Today is Giving Tuesday... So????

Hi!

So... Maybe on Giving Tuesday make a list with your kids of all the people they would like to give something to during the Holidays.... then... decide... if they will make it, or bake it, or buy it, or color it, or just spend time...

And...then... have fun acting on your list and all the ideas they come up with!!!


Until next time,

Pam

Being Thankful and Giving...

Hi,

This next week is Thanksgiving and I am thinking it's a great chance to model what "thankful" and "giving" mean to our kids.

So, instead of getting all caught up in only

the food part, maybe it would be a great time to do something for another family, start a new tradition, give to someone else, or just express what you are thankful for.

Maybe you and your kids can pick something you are thankful for and pay that forward to someone else...

Maybe your kids could help and give of their time to someone who needs it... let's say an older neighbor or family member that might be having a hard time...a friend who may need some help...

Maybe you can make a list of all that each family member is thankful for, and read it before dinner on Thursday...

Or, maybe it is as simple as telling your kids how great they are, (sure not all the time) how thankful you are for them, how much you appreciate how unique and different each of them are ( if you have more than one) and then tell them they are the best part of your life.

I bet if each of us take time to really be thankful and give of ourselves, Thanks and Giving could be revolutionized... in a really meaningful way!

Have a great holiday!

Until next time,

Pam

Dream Chasers...

Hello..

In New York it seems you can do just about anything!

My husband and I are in New York for a week.  Our kids are all here as are our two grandchildren... so that is a great draw to this city... 

"Dream Chasers" is the title to this post as I think about what our kids are doing, and all that the two little ones are doing, the tiniest, Miss Josie, I think her dreams are simple, milk and hugging...she loves to be held and I of course indulge!

All of our children chose New York which was interesting for us,  Anne first, Meg second, one time 8 years ago and now, and Bill four years ago.

I wonder if this city is a life force of it's own that draws people in, because as the song says, "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere..."

As our kids were growing up, we set the idea in motion that life, their lives, were theirs to design.   We expected them to do well in school, be responsible, be kind and empathetic human beings, do the right thing and give back to the world.  We also expected them to follow their own paths, choose their own dreams and work hard to make them a reality.  

They all have... and continue to.

In all the discussion on families and parenting today, I continue to believe that helping your kids find their own way, providing opportunities for them to find the paths that interest and inspire them, will lead them to a life with meaning and joy.  Sure, no one's life is perfect or great all the time, but if we help our kids find the dreams that inspire them, and the ways to achieve them, I believe we will have done our children a great service.

So, when you kiss your kids goodnight tonight... just ask.. "Hey...what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Our son, Bill, wanted to make movies from the time he was 5 years old. Today we helped him design  a business plan for his next steps.  He is planning to be a Steady Cam Operator...

Dreams... they are worth chasing!

Until next time,

Pam

Remember... You're the Boss!!

Hi!

Quick thought...was at lunch with a younger friend of mine yesterday...we were watching all sorts of kids and Moms navigate the lunch crowd at a local sandwich shop

Some kids and Moms were doing well... and others not so.  Brie and I shared the thought that it is ok to tell your kids no, and expect them to have manners and behave in public...

Just saying... it is o.k. and good to be the boss... that's how your kids learn rules of decorum!

Until next time,

Pam

Successful parenting.... Kudos to you M and P!

Hello!

This week I have the fun and wonderful chance to spend time in my favorite place, Islamorada Florida.

Bill and I have a home here, and for that alone I am grateful!  This week we are spending time with some of our best friends and their two boys.  Their boys are grown, yet because they have Autism, they are still living with them.

Each and every time I get the opportunity to spend time with the boys and our friends, I am humbled and awed at their commitment, expertise, love, and shared parenting.  The boys are almost 27 and because of our friends, their lives are filled with opportunity, travel and an abundance of love!

If ever I think parenting is hard, all I have to do is look to them and the example they set..

We, Bill and I and our whole family, are blessed to have them in our lives, and call them our friends!

Kudos M and P!!!!

Until next time,

Pam

Delayed adulthood...

Hello!

Recently I read an article in the New York Times.  The title of the article was "The Case for Delayed Adulthood." It made me think...

If you are any kind of neurotic parent ( I would argue that includes all of us)  you have stressed from time to time about how to help your kids grow up well and become competent, non-f*@ked up adults.  I think that is the ultimate goal in procreating! So, when I read this article I wish I would have had this information earlier, although to be honest, I think Bill and I did do some of things mentioned in it.  I am sure you can find it in the Times archives if you are interested.  The publication date was September 21, 2014.

What struck me the most, was the quote "Taking longer to grow up and settle down may be better for a young person's brain."  The thought is that prolonged adolescence can actually" foster novelty-seeking and the acquisition of new skills".  This intrigues me...

Along with helping our kids achieve the basic requirements of person-hood, what about also giving them space to investigate and discover along the way.  School is a good place for learning, but perhaps not the ideal place for creative thinking, unless you are in a great educational setting that seeks to expand thought, not just knowledge, and as we all know, sometimes we are parental victims of the school district we live in, unless you have a great froward thinking school, or are able to find exactly the right setting for your kids.

What I took from this article, is that intellectual and creative stimulation has great benefit in long term health and development.  When kids, and adults, are seeking, learning, challenging, and looking for stimulating experiences, their brain expands, becomes more open and able to adapt to change.  Ultimately, people then are more able to find their way through life and it's challenges.

I would suggest that while we raise our kids to become competent adults, we should evaluate what that looks like, in terms of time.  There is no set age when an "adult" merges... maybe by allowing and encouraging growth, creativity, exposure to travel, adventure and novel experiences we help create even more competent, less stressed and happy adults.

The final paragraph of the article is:

"If brain plasticity is maintained by staying engaged in new, demanding and cognitively stimulating activity, and if entering into the repetitive and less exiting roles of worker and spouse helps close the window of plasticity, delaying adulthood is not only O.K.; it can be a boon."

So, don't worry.  If your kids need more time to find their way, like one of my favorite kids books "Leo the Late Bloomer" it may actually be better for them in the marathon that is life!

Hmmmm...worth thinking about!

Until next,

Pam

What would Bear think?

Hi!

I have been thinking about what Bear would think about all this hype. He was actually just hanging around minding his own business being Max's buddy, before this book came along!

It's funny, when Max sees a copy of the the book he looks at the front cover and says "Dada Bear!"  That's his affectionate name for his beloved pal... and beloved Bear is!  He has a steady place right next to Max throughout the day.  If he is gone for long, or left in another part of the house, soon Max is actively calling for him and looking for him.  I have been asked many a time to help find "Dada Bear."   

I believe that Bear is quite happy about this development, because as you know, he had to wait for some time to have Max find him and realize just how great he is!  And realize that, Max has!

I am certain that Bear is feeling quite pleased with himself.  Bear has been Max's trusted companion as he's learned to navigate this recent "big brother" thing.   Thanks to Bear, Max has someone he can hug, love, transport in his mouth like a mother cat, give baths in the toilet, give dog bowl baths, accompany him to the park, and most importantly take to bed with him.  

I bet the stories they share at night, just the two of them, are quite spectacular!

Maybe that is why Bear always looks to me, like he knows something none of the rest of us do!

Just wondering...

Until next time,

Pam

Close.. Closer.. Closest...

Hi All!


As I am exploring and learning this whole publishing process, and hoping to hone my skills, I have been asked to write about a number of topics.  Today the topic is how to bring your family together and create closeness between your children.  The real answer is make sure and threaten that you will come back from the dead and haunt them if they aren't!

Seriously though, and yes I seriously did tell them that and continue to just for insurance, what my husband and I did was spend time.  I think time, as a love language, is so valuable.  When you spend time you create a sense of belonging, and community.  Kids need to know that they really matter.

I think it starts early.  I believe it is important to foster independence and individuality in each of your kids, and celebrate that.  We tried to do that by seeing what interested each of them, and encouraging them to explore.  Of course, when one of them did something cool, often the other child would want to try too. We usually let that happen.  Kids learn from and emulate each other, especially the younger ones to the older ones.  It builds a shared bond when they share interests, or areas of shared interest.

All of our kids liked some sort of athletic activity.  We would support them, and also insisted that they come support each other.  We spent many, many hours at games, meets, and competitions.  By the time it was our son Bill's turn, his sisters would groan, but we told them he got dragged to all their events.  Both Anne and Megan participated in day long events, Anne enjoyed Track and Field, and Meg rode horses competitively... Bill, because he was the youngest always had to come. Luckily he had a great friend who went with him to many Horse Shows!

Siblings, although from the same parents, are always unique and different, and or course fight.  We tried to help them figure out how to do that without killing each other, and work through their anger.  Everyone is allowed to be angry, it's what you do with it, that matters.  One afternoon, I came home to find Bill dropping a shoe on Megan's head while she was resting on the couch below the balcony.  She was 14, he was 9... we had to chat about that technique!

There really is no magic formula, and most of what you do is based on instinct, trusting your gut, and love.  When you work from a point of love, and also let's add respect to that, you set up a good base to establish the kind of relationships that are rich, deep, and long lasting.  We told our kids that no one would have their back like their sister or brother would.   We have witnessed that now that they are all adults.  Recently Anne had a lovely little baby girl who arrived early.  Bill after a 16 hour day, went straight to the hospital, Meg took off early from a vacation to drive 2 days to get to her sister.  My husband and I could not have been more proud.

So, really the best thoughts I can give are to love well, create respect, create trust, and use a great deal of humor!  None of us are perfect, and that doesn't matter...

Remember, if all else fails employ my technique... threaten that you will come back from the dead and haunt them for the rest of their lives!!!

Until next time,

Pam

My Bear was a doll named Sister Bell....

Hello!

I was thinking about his whole kid attachment to special objects, toys, blankets, things they love.  Someone asked me if I had something special, I actually had two; my blanket that I remember was soft and warm, and a special doll named Sister Bell!

For those of you who are close to my age (not quite old as dirt....yet) there were two dolls that I remember causing a fuss... the "it" items to have.  One was a really beautiful doll called Chatty Kathy, and the other was a cloth doll with a porcelain head named Sister Bell... I think the head was porcelain, maybe it was harder plastic.  I really wanted the one named Sister Bell for Christmas.  Both dolls were too cool for their time... late 1950's early 1960's, because they talked!  

A few of my friends had Chatty Kathy... she was prettier than Sister Bell, but I did not think she was as cool and as cuddly... Chatty Kathy was all plastic, the kind with the natural sitting position of the legs straight out!  Sister Bell had great big blue eyes and a big smile.  I liked her yellow yarn hair and loved pulling on her pony tail when I was falling asleep... we would have chatted a lot before that, and my Mom may have asked me to stop talking.  I remember that I never felt alone when she and I were together... and that was the best part.

Anne, Max's Mom, had a great big teddy bear that she called "B-Bear" and a blanket that she called her "bunny blanket."   Bill and I would haul this big bear around when we traveled.. he was the kind that you win at fairs.  The irony of the whole bear situation, was that my brother had won him for my husband's sister when they dated a brief time in high school.  Bear had lived at my in-laws house and Anne fell in love with him on one visit.  He still lives on Anne's bed in our house in Libertyville.   Bear is now pretty bald, because what Anne used to do while she was falling asleep was pull all the fuzzy hair out of him!

Megan, our youngest daughter, had a crochet blanket that she used to love to stick her fingers and toes in, and then cover her whole little self up... I guess she used the toes and fingers for anchors!  The blanket, although different in size now, because my husband helped Megan pull a loose string on it and made a big hole, still lives on... at her new apartment in New York.

Our son, Bill, had a blanket too... but the thing he loved most was pacifiers... he would carry anywhere from 2-4 of them around with him, and got really good at talking while he still had one in his mouth to suck on... just in case!  I remember going on a business trip with my husband and when we got back, my Mom had decided that the "binkies" had to go and threw them out.... I think Bill was upset for quite a while!

So, the point here is that when I was writing Max and Bear, and noticing how much Max loved Bear, I thought about the comfort and security that a child gains from their own special "lovey" whatever that may be.  I remembered my very own dear Sister Bell with a smile and thought about my own children, and the comfort and love they all received from the special items they were attached to. It's a good thing... feeling loved and feeling comforted!

You know, maybe if we were allowed to carry something comforting around with us as adults, we might all be less neurotic!

Just a thought.....

Until next time,

Pam

From another lens....

Hello All!

I have been thinking about how fast time goes... maybe that's because yesterday was my birthday!

One of the first calls I received was from my oldest daughter, Anne.  She is the mommy of my muse, Max, and now a beautiful little girl, Josie. As we were chatting, and I do pride myself and Anne on the fact that our tech selves (actually we are not that tech...we keep trying) figured out how to video chat while Anne was breastfeeding Josie, Max was trying to sit on her lap, and she was adjusting the computer screen!

I was very impressed that all of that happened simultaneously and that no one was injured in the process... Not Anne, Not Max, Not Josie... of course not me, because I was in front of a computer many thousands of miles away!

As Anne and I talked (and of course Max too)... I thought about all that Mom's juggle.  Whether you are a working Mom like Anne is, she owns her own business, or a stay at home Mom, or a part-time working Mom, like I was, there is a lot women take care of each day!  Men too, for that matter because it seems like more and more families have Dads who stay at home, or juggle both parenting and work as well.

In all of that juggling I have noticed that most parents do a great job of keeping all the balls in the air.   OK, they probably crash down once in a while, but occasional chaos is not all bad.  It keeps us honest, and hopefully laughing!

So kudos to all of you out there doing the parenting of young children thing!  Keep Juggling!

Trust yourself, you'll always figure it out.

Hey like I said, no one got hurt during our video call yesterday!

Until next time,

Pam

Inspiration

Hello All!


Someone asked me what my inspiration was for writing a children's book, and for writing Max and Bear specifically.

I have talked periodically on this blog, about how I believe a really good parent helps their kids find their way, and then supports around that. One thing I think about, a lot, is that being an effective parent is also modeling behavior that demonstrates how to put your "money where your mouth is."

When you have kids, at first you are clueless as to what to do.  I remember bringing Anne home from the hospital and it took Bill and I most of that first night to realize we should not change her on our bed, unless we put a towel down first!  All of parenting is like that.... you figure out what works through trial and error and intelligent thinking! At least eventually.

I have watched my now adult children become who they are, and have championed their right and desire to find the path that works best for them in their lives.  Each of our children got to hear the message from us, that they should listen to their hearts, and their heads and follow the path that inspired and excited them.  That guidance led to each of them finding satisfaction in what they now do.  Of course we all know that no one is completely happy every day with what they do, but if you can say you love what you do most of the time, you are blessed!

So, I figured everyone was off doing what worked for them, and now it was and is my turn!

In the whole process of evolving and demonstrating how not to be a F*@ked adult, it is important as I said previously, to put your money where your mouth is and evolve too!

To that end, I have been thinking about, and dreaming about writing my own children's book.  I have been working on this for about 5 years, and in that time continued to try and find the right words and story.

Last fall I had the opportunity to accompany Anne and her little son Max, who is the inspiration for this book, on a trip to Europe!  What a time that was and what an amazing experience...

During our trip, I watched Max and his little Angel dear blankie Bear. Max always looked to Bear for comfort and security while he was falling asleep, and when we were out traveling.  Of course Max looked to his Mommy first, yet Bear was always right there.

I observed how Max seemed to actually have his own language with Bear,  and I delighted in the comfort I saw this stuffed lovey give Max! From all of this I had an "AH-HA" moment and, as the saying goes, "The rest is history"!

So, why not go out each day and evolve and grow!  Demonstrate that doing what you love is valuable, important, and a goal to constantly seek, not just for the children we love and support, but for ourselves as well!

Until next time,

Pam

Time for school!

Hello All!

I noticed today, while I was at lunch with my husband, a general sigh in our local park.  All sorts of young Moms were out with their little ones enjoying the fact that school is back in session!

This time of year is exciting and overwhelming for kids, Moms, and Dads.  If your kids are older, you are probably happy to have your day back, and if you are sending your kids off to school for the first time you probably have mixed feelings!

Over the next few days, take time to help establish a good new routine, and then at the end of the week, celebrate!

Ice cream and cookies for kids?  A fun trip to the library?

Wine?  Always a good choice for Moms and Dads!

Until next time,
Pam

Joy....part two

Hello All!


This past Saturday our family was finally able to bring our newest member home.

Miss Josie Rose Martins... tiny and mighty!

She came into the world on July 30th, and needed some help from the excellent NICU staff at NYU Medical facility in Manhattan New York. These people are heroes in my book.  It is amazing and joyful to watch all that this staff does for the tiniest citizens in our community.  The love, joy and medical expertise they provide to the families they help is beyond explanation. Thanks NYU!!!

So, today be joyful and celebrate the youngest members of your families and celebrate the true gift that they are!  We are gleeful!

Hey... just thinking... Josie the Great???

HMMMM...maybe a new book!

Until next time
Pam

P.G. or... aka personal growth

Hello!


I had lunch with a good friend last week. We were catching up.

I value this relationship.  She and I have had very different paths.  She was in the corporate world and quite successful, and I was in the educational / service world and would argue that I did a good job there.

The point of today is, that from the time we bring our babies home, from the time our parents brought us as their babies home, is to grow.  Growth in all ways. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, experiential, educational, professional, and relational. I may have left some areas out!  That means I have to grow more.

What does this all mean?  I am thinking I'm clever, because PG means parental guidance in the movie rating industry.  I guess, for me and Bill, my husband, that meant and still means, help our children, now adults, continue to evolve as people.  And, that goes for the two of us as well.

As young parents, I believe the greatest task at hand, is first to keep your kids safe.  And, that is no easy job!  Yikes... I have lost weight chasing young Max, our grandson, around.  First is this task, and that alone is hard.  Then, comes providing opportunities and experiences for mental and educational and experiential growth.  This is the fun part!  Outings, excursions, play, and just about anything you, as parents can think of, that will help your kids see the world and themselves differently.  Emotional growth, well this is a HUGE one, in my book!  To love your children well, and through that give them the skills to love others well, first and foremost themselves.  By providing the right experiences for your children to feel and receive love, you do one of the most important things in creating a wonderful human being, one that has the capacity to give back to others, and to the world at large.

As our children grow and age, we then have some of the bigger tasks of helping them find the right educational settings for their cognitive and intellectual development.  Arguably in the right school setting, kids will have opportunities to grow in all the categories.. and as each of us knows, making it through junior high is no easy task! :)  The educational setting and settings we are able to provide for our children do not need to be financially daunting to be good.  The idea is to be involved to care, to help and to guide.

To guide.. ultimately this is the task throughout life.  To guide our children in all ways, and through all the stages of growth to become their best self.  And, that is our own goal too.  To be a guiding force through how we handle our own lives.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. What we do sets an example for our kids, and to do that does not require perfection.. just honesty.  Actually, our kids learn more from watching how we handle adversity I think.  What we do matters, as well as what we say.

So... today, go ahead and grow... you and your kids!  I guarantee it will be interesting and fun.  Your kids may even teach you a thing or two if you are open to it!

My lunch friend is going to plan a trip to a new place she has never been.  I am planning for my very first video shoot this Saturday for my author profile.....

What are you going to do?

Until next time,

Pam

New Website!

Hi!!


Thanks to someone far far younger than I... I now have a new website...


maxandbear.squarespace.com

Thank you Matt Yates!!  To scare everyone... I actually taught Mr. Matt Yates when he was 3 years old!  Now he is off to college. :)


Until next time!

Pam

Joy...

Hello!

I am sitting in my local Starbucks watching a young couple and their new daughter.  She is about 3-4 months old.  They are mesmerized by her!  She is talking and cooing and they are in complete love with her. She is perched on the table like a trophy.

When I got here, I was attempting to read about how to write my business plan for Max and Bear.  But honestly, I have been just watching this family.

I am always fascinated by the joy a baby brings.  I know that throughout all of history, having a baby is not news.  But, it strikes me that if that baby is yours, or someone you love, it is always miraculous.  

It's summertime, and families have their kids around more, usually.  So, if it is one of those days when you aren't sure what to do, just enjoy.  Kids change and evolve and become someone new each day!

Celebrate and experience the joy that comes from watching the person or persons you have made.

If however, they are being terribly grouchy or challenging, you can always do what I did during those times and say they are "My husband's children."

Until next time,

Pam

Taking a Risk...and shameless promotion....

Hello!

One thing I have talked about is taking a risk, the right one, at the right time.

So, here goes!

I have taken the risk, for myself, and completed my first children's book.  It is called
"Max and Bear" and is now ready and is out in the land of online ordering!

Anyone who would like to take a look, or buy one... :)

It is on :

Amazon.com  and Barnes and Noble.com....

Amazon Listing

Barnes and Noble Listing

Thanks!!!

Shameless promotion...yes!!

Until next time,
Here's to taking risks!

Pam

" More Kids are Better..."

Hi,

This morning while I was waiting for a car in Brooklyn to go help Anne with Max, a young couple walked by with their child in a stroller.  The Mom was explaining to the Dad that she had heard more kids are better.  Her exact words were, " I heard that more kids are better.  If you have more, you can not focus and pick on all the small stuff.  You just worry about the big stuff.  They will be less neurotic."

Well....

What do you think?

Thought for the day!

Until next time,

Pam

Ideas...

Hello!

This morning while I was driving with my youngest daughter, she and I were talking about new ideas for this blog.  She has some young friends who are now mothers.  Her idea, and that of the young women she has spoken to, is to have some of these posts be of the problem solving or helpful idea mode.  Maybe, for those of you who live in Chicago, the Lou Manfredini of parenting

I have been thinking about this of and on today and am honored, in the sense that people think I may be able to offer sound advice!  A lot of the posts I have written are more anecdotal and after the fact.  Maybe here, I can try to head things off at the pass... like today on getting some questions from my oldest daughter.  She has a toddler.

Many of you know, I like to share stories that are real, from my family and from experiences that I have either had or witnessed.  I guess my thought is that observation can be relevant, and that having already been there, it may help to get some ideas and strategies before hand.

Having said all of that,  I do want to always add the disclaimer that all of this, is my opinion.  I will say that Bill and I have some sort of reasonable track record, given that our kids are competent, effective and functioning adults.

Yesterday I received a phone call about what to do with an 18 month old who is just trying to figure out how to talk and get his needs met and is also periodically demanding.  I thought for a few minutes and then just fired away.  

I am a long way removed from the 18 month old!   Yet, I do know that most kids have a spiraling development process.  Just when you think you have things figured out, they change.  There are periods of calm, and periods of evolution and change.  No one stays static, and kids are the same.  I read a good development book when I was a young Mom by Ames and Ilg.  I tried to find a copy for my daughter, but because that was 30 years ago, it is out of print.  The premise was that kids have 6 good months, where they feel calm and comfortable in their own skin, and then 6 months of change and development.   Time to shift, evolve and reach that next developmental  milestone.  Yes, it is true.  Just when you think you have things figured out, they change.  Maybe that is the whole plan.  The chance to understand that life is a constant state of change.

I shared with my daughter that little kids can not truly tell you what they need, and they can't really function too independently until maybe they are 2-3.  Most two year olds still need a lot of supervision and direct play, and then by the time kids are 3, they can spend more time independently playing and occupying themselves.  Young children truly do need you A LOT!   Of course, some personalities require less, and each child is different.  

To that end, although it can be frustrating at times because parents have a lot to do, try hard to savor and enjoy and do your stuff when the kids are napping.  Oh, and it truly is O.K. to use the "evil TV".  Some good kids TV is out there, and you do not have to be a saint.  Sesame Street has won lots and lots of awards!

So, relax, trust yourself and enjoy as best you can.  Play, spend time, and also set boundaries.  Being a good parent does not mean you have to sacrifice all that you want to do.  It just means having to balance and be flexible. 

Until next time,

Lou... oh, I mean Pam

You Can't Drive the Bus...revisited

Hello!

Last weekend I was in New York.  One of my daughter's friends had a baby shower for her, and we were helping Anne, and her husband Patrick, pack up their apartment. They are moving to a new place next week.

While I was there, I was trying to be helpful.  All of us were, my husband, my daughters' Megan, and my son Bill.  Anne has lived in this current apartment for 10 years and she and Patrick have lived there for 4 years.  There was a lot of stuff to pack!

As the weekend progressed and time was spent helping, I had to remind myself that in this scenario, I was an assist, not the captain or co-captain.  Those jobs were already taken.  Anne and Patrick were the co-captains, and Max, of course, was the captain!  Max is their 18 month old son.  I took it upon myself to spend most of my time helping with the captain!

While Max and I were at the park, and later when my husband Bill joined us, I thought the job we were there to do, was provide support.  Support and fun for Max so that he would not be in the middle of all the packing craziness, and support, maybe even relief, for Anne and Patrick so that they did not have to worry about Max.

Hey!  Maybe that is an accurate description of what I was trying to do.  I was trying to be a good relief pitcher!

As our kids get older, and as you ride the bus with them, remember that you are ultimately working towards making yourself obsolete as the driver.  It is hard sometimes to not want to say, pack a box a certain way, or organize a closet, or "suggest" what your kids might do in any number of scenarios! Try hard though, not to.

So at every stage along the way, when the time is right, step out of the driver's seat, trust that you have done a good job and enjoy the ride!

Relief pitchers get lots of glory when they do their job well!

Until next time,

Pam

And then this.....

Hello!


I forget when I wrote my piece about the "Tiger Mom."   I know it was whenever the big hullaballoo came out about the book and after I saw an interview with the author.

This past weekend I was reading the weekly periodical called "The Week."  I enjoy the magazine because it is a quick and thorough publication that highlights all the recent news, and offers commentary on timely topics.

While I was perusing this past edition, I was delighted to see the article "A tiger mom's angry offspring."   In this piece a young woman spoke about her upbringing by a tiger mom.  She talked about how her mother would hit her, and make her kowtow to her, and grovel on her knees to show submission.   She also said that these tactics made her become amazingly successful in her field and a very wealthy, accomplished musician.  So, I guess if those are the results you are looking for in raising kids, have at this method!

Now, "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used as his byline...

The article concludes by saying that when this young woman turned 21, she fired her Mom, got a new manger and has not talked to her Mom since... Oh, and she also has decided that although she is an accomplished educated professional, the one thing she will never choose to take on, is Motherhood. She felt that she would sadly, probably do the same thing her Mom had to her, and so will pass on the whole Mom thing...

Hmmmmm......

Until next time,

A not so tiger Mom,

Pam

Mother's Day

Hello All!


For each and everyone of us women that are Mother's, Mother's to be and women who help in every way...

Celebrate yourself, the women that came before you, the women that will come after you and honor all that a Mom does...each and every day!

Happy Day!

Until next time,

Pam

Hold on!

Hello All!


This morning I am sitting in our living room contemplating the fact that I (well actually we) have three grown children... How did that happen?

Yesterday Bill and I were out doing regular Saturday chores, the excitement of groceries and car washing.  When we were at the car wash, I wondered where Bill was, then saw that he was talking to and playing with a little girl that was being held by her Dad.  Bill and he struck up a conversation and I heard him comment on "It goes really really fast!"  I smiled.... It does.

Two weeks ago Bill and I got the opportunity to go to Houston, Texas for Easter with our son, his wife and her lovely family.  While Bill and I were driving over to the hotel,  I realized that 31 years ago, well I actually already knew that, but to put that number of 31 on the realization was fascinating!   31 years ago Bill and I and baby Anne lived in Houston, then we added our daughter Megan, she was born there. Now 31 years later we are going to our son's in-laws right in the very same place we had two baby girls and Billy was not even part of the equation.  O.K.  I am staring to annoy myself at this whole nostalgia thing...

But... here it is...

HOLD ON!!  HOLD ON!!  HOLD ON!!

Hold on, enjoy every bit of time with your kids even when they are bugging you.  Before you even know it, you will be the crazy Mom like me commenting on how in the world did your kids get to be grownups?


Until next time,
Nostalgia photo included....

Pam

Guilty...

Hello!

This morning I had a conversation that reminded me being a parent is rife with Guilt!  (I capitalized the word Guilt because it is a bugger.)   Of course I already knew that, having been a parent myself for going on 34 years.  I had to smile and empathize while trying hard to listen and offer counsel, that I hope was wise.

So many times we as parents expect ourselves to be super- human.  We want to be the best Mom, the best business woman, the best partner, the best friend, the best....OK... you get it.  We Mom's can try hard to "best" ourselves right into the ground!  ( I am purposefully leaving Dads out of this for now, because I think women have the market on guilt...)

Maybe it's time we all take a moment to pause, and accept the fact that not a one of us is going to do this whole parenting thing perfectly, and give ourselves a break.

Next time you have a conversation with a friend who's beating herself up about something she did or did not do for or to

her kids, suggest she cut herself some slack.   Perfect is boring anyways.

Kids don't want us to be perfect.  Our kids want us to be present, to show up, to listen to them, to love them, to play with them, and to help them become their own imperfect selves!

So, forget about perfect and move on.

Until next time,

An imperfect Pam

The Equality Issue....

 Hello!


I wanted to write today, but did not have the inspiration I was searching for.  Luckily I had a fun morning conversation with my friend Eileen.

We were chatting about our kids and where they're at in life.  Eileen has three grown children as well, and we were talking about how even though they are all grown up, we still think about how to make sure that each one gets treated equally.  We came to the conclusion that equal is really not possible, but equitable is!

From the time you have more than one child, at least I did, you think about how to make sure everyone's needs are met and met in a way that demonstrates equality for all.  Unlike having a favorite child, I think you need to have a favorite part, quality, personality trait, in each and every child you have.  I would guess there is already plenty in Literature about how someone got "the shaft" because they were not treated well or equitably by their parents.  Oh yeah!  There already is at least one famous story out there... Cinderella!

My three adult children are all different, and to that end, what each of them needs, desires and aspires to is quite different.  I think the goal of an effective, dare I even say good parent, is to figure out how to play to those parts.  See what each child needs, don't concentrate on equal, concentrate on meeting needs.  And honestly, even though we may want to give our children all that they want, that is probably not the best idea for their long term development.  I think the Rolling Stones say it best in the line "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes well you might find you get what you need."

How that looks is different for everyone.  It may mean you help your adult kids with a home purchase, or your new teacher with a car, or your son with his next quest to be a Steady-Cam operator.  In reality, it has nothing to do with money at all.  Actually, it is probably best demonstrated by my friend Eileen's story about Easter with her three daughters years ago.  She made sure that each child's basket had equal amounts of candy and fluff and fun.  I am going to go out on a limb here though, and bet that in each of those baskets the bunnies were different.... I  bet there was a yellow one, a purple one and a pink one... depending on what each child's favorite color was... just sayin'.

So, here's to embracing our kids, celebrating their uniqueness and striving always to help them become who they truly are.

 

                                                 I love this picture.....

 Until next time,

Pam

Remember

O.K.

Remember to celebrate each day and take good care of the ones you love!!!!!!

That is it......


Until next time,

Pam

A Sense of Humour

Hello....


One of my favorite books that I used to read when I was teaching preschool was "My Mom Hates Me In January".   I used to love to read this to the kids that were 3 and 4 and see what they thought.  If, by chance they were aware that when you live in a cold and snowy winter climate, that sometimes their parents weren't
quite as excited about those continuing snowy and cold days...

Maybe the answer is ....It depends.

So, even though today is actually March 13th and it truly is still cold and though not snowing, there is an ample amount of snow on the ground...and I am listening to Al Roker predict another big snow event on it's way to the East Coast....have fun today!

Go out... play in the snow with your kids, do something fun, enjoy the whole kid thing, act like a big one yourself today!

What a great example that is!  You may even laugh a lot or be surprised.

Who knows, you could be surprised like my daughter Megan was. She was given  Hot Chocolate with Whisky from her Cleveland neighbor, after Megan chose to play in the snow with her snowblower and cleared off her neighbor's driveway. That will make you smile!

Have fun today....Be a Big Kid!

Until next time,

Pam

Taking a Risk.....

Hello All!


Last time I wrote I talked about different mindsets and shared the book I have been reading.
I have read more of it.  "mindset" is the title.

I think part of being a good parent, well maybe effective parent or mindful parent may be a better way to define this behavior, is to try and be a good example of all the things we tell our kids to do.  Part of the continuing process of growing in life, for our kids, for us, for families, is to learn how to take risks that are purposeful and that demonstrate growth.  By putting ourselves out there and taking mindful risks, we demonstrate that "our talk and our walk" match and are consistent.

So, to that end, I have taken a new risk.  We will see how it plays out.

One of the goals I have shared with my family is to write a Children's Book.  I have been thinking about it and working on ideas for a couple of years, and now have completed a manuscript.    10 days ago I decided to take a risk and signed on with a self publisher.  

Do I hope the project is wildly successful?  Yes, I do.  Is that the main goal?  Nope, the purpose is to "just do it".

Ok... here's to risking it!


Until next time,

Pam

Growth Mindset

Hi All!

I can not take credit for the title today....

Just wanted to suggest that the whole purpose of parenting is to help our kids grow into healthy competent people.

Also, we want to continue to grow and set a good example and love ourselves well, so that our kids can see how to evolve throughout all of life.

So, to that end, I want to share a book.  My daughter, Megan, who I believe is an educator and person extraordinaire, suggested this title to me.

Last weekend we, as a family, spent a lot of time talking.  Members of our family were waiting on some news, and it was a long weekend.  I can say that thankfully, all is well and I am extremely grateful!  Through the process of waiting and not being able to do anything except talk and in our case, pray, Megan shared this book.  I highly recommend it.

All of us struggle I think, at times and to that end, I found this so helpful and educational and growth oriented, because that is what we all strive for... to become.  For our kids to become the people they are meant to be, and for us to both help them get there, and evolve well ourselves.

The book is "mindset"  by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D


Happy growing...


Until next time,
Pam

Love

Hello,


I just need to say that when you are a parent, love is all they need.

When you love your children well, you can not make the world perfect for them, no matter how much you hoped you could.   You can, though always let them know they are never alone.  You are there, always.

Happy Valentines...

Until next time,
Pam

R words... Resolutions, Rebalancing, Rebooting

Hello All!

It has been a while.  I have been carrying a notebook around in case I had any ideas or notions of what to write about.

In the last month we all started a new year.  A time of new beginnings, new opportunities, and new challenges.  I like to think that most of what life presents are opportunities, some better than others. That is where the title comes in, and is what I am working on.

At the beginning of any new year, we hear about all sorts of New Year's resolutions.  It has become a constant in society, lots of talk around the start of each new calendar year.   People make resolutions, plans on how to change and improve their lives.  I do too.  I try to sit down somewhere near the beginning of the year and think about how I want to evolve.  I like the word evolve.  It is a verb that means to" develop gradually and naturally; devise; unfold, open out".

I went to a conference in November, and had the chance to see an educator and presenter that I admire. She spoke to the fact, that although she loved what she had been doing, it was now time to "reboot".  She said she came up with that idea, instead of retiring.  Retiring sounded too staid and old to her, and I have to say I grabbed onto the idea.

If we are lucky enough to hang around a long time, we will get a lot of chances to "reboot".  At the place I am at in life, I am now more of an advisor and hopefully role model to my/our children.  As I have said, they are all grown and live on their own and have their own lives.

Recently I had the chance to reconnect with a person I  had not seen for a while. She chose to share with me all the challenges, changes and new opportunities she had and is experiencing in her own life.  I was honored and thrilled that she shared her ideas and thoughts with me.  She is an example of a woman who is rebalancing and rebooting and evolving on terms that matter to her, even if her Mom is not able to support her at this time.  I thought a lot about that.

Each of us, no matter where we are along the spectrum of life, want to be accepted and validated and truly loved unconditionally by our parents.  I know that for some people that is easier than for others.  I guess the conundrum of parenting is that we truly have to demonstrate that our love is  unconditional.   I like the older version of the movie "Dirty Dancing" with Jennifer Grey.  She has a falling out with her father at one point in the movie, and she says to him "If you love me, you have to love all of me", and also says something to the effect that he can not just love her for the parts he likes, but also for the parts he does not.

A few years ago, when I began my first attempts at writing this blog, I proposed that unconditional love was one of the tenets of good parenting.  I have to say I believe that even more today.

This past weekend, we had the chance to attend a wedding in Los Angeles (why I came back to Chicago is beyond me with all this cold!)  While we were there, we got to spend time with our kids, and Max and our nephew and many of Anne's friends.  During that time, we heard about what they were all doing, and how their lives were evolving.  We got to listen.

After Bill and I got back, we were talking about how interesting it is to see what people evolve into and how they design their lives.  Honestly, it is hard to not want to tell your kids what to do, but I guess that is just it.  We have to take the opportunity to evolve and continually try to give our kids, no matter what age they are, the gift of unconditional love.  I think it pays off....

When we landed and I turned my phone on, I had 3 great messages, one from each of our kids.  They were thanking us for just that, loving them well enough to allow,  support and encourage them to be who they need to be.

O.K. !

So far, so good.  I am working hard on this whole rebooting thing. Knowing that my goal now is to love my kids unconditionally enough to let them be.  Let them be, so they can become more of their own true selves each year.  It's hard!  So, I am being thoughtful about resolutions, and rebalancing and continually "rebooting".

Happy evolving!

Until next time,

Pam