Part two of this week...Confessions...

Hello!

Today I had the chance to have lunch with a friend of both mine and my Mom's.  My Mom, God bless her, was a complicated person.  I miss her daily, and also know that when she was here, I periodically wanted to take a shot at her!

Ok... I am not a perfect person, and so when I had lunch with this friend today, she and I shared stories about my Mom.  My Mom, being who she was, had a tendency to see the world and her life through a series of rose colored glasses.  I guess that is a nice way of saying she would make sh*t up!

As lunch progressed and we talked more, it was clear to me that Sandy had been told stories that I knew and was actually involved in.  The version she had been told was quite different from what had actually happened.

Here is the confession part.   Family.   Family is complicated and challenging and lovely all at the same time.   I know I want to think that my family, the one Bill and I created, will be fabulous, supportive, healthy and

perfect all the time.  But, alas, as any sane person knows, that will not be the truth.

What I do know, is that when you are all in, and I think most families are, the good, the bad and the periodic ugly are part of it all!  I really don't think anyone escapes.  I have said that each of us have some level of dysfunction in family life.  If you don't I think you are either lying or delusional!

So, if you have any family gatherings this holiday season, figure some of it will be great, some of it will be bad, and some of it will be in the middle.   Personally, I am hoping for more of it to be great!

Like I told my kids, I do believe I have done the best I could.  If there are any complaints, I am going to suggest they blame it on their Dad!

Oh, and yes, I do miss my Mom, in spite of and because of it all.

Until next time,

Happy Holidays, Pam

Sparkle!

Hello!

Today when I was at one of our local malls finishing up some shopping, I met this beautiful little girl.
She was 14 months old, according to her speaker, her Mom.  She was dressed from head to toe in red, white and sparkle.   She had silver sparkle shoes, a red jumper with sparkles, a white turtle neck with sparkles, and red hair bows with added silver sparkle...just for emphasis.  She was there to see Santa.  Her Mom said they were early, Santa did not return from lunch for about 30 minutes.  Their plan was to try and have her stay clean and sparkly while they let her run around as they passed the time.  All of them had huge happy smiles on their faces.  They sparkled!

Here's to sparkling!

Hope you all find yours during the Holidays.

Until next time,

Pam

Just do it....anyway

Hello!


I thought I had better add a twist to the whole "Just Do It"  slogan so that I would not get in trouble for stealing someone else's idea.

I was busy watching a whole bunch of stuff on You Tube that a friend suggested.  So, as I was watching said info, a piece popped up called "Why would you want to bring kids into the world as it is now?" I was intrigued.  I clicked the watch button.

The piece was compelling.  It was a video of expectant parents of all races and ethnicities.  It showed these soon to be parents, watching videos on the television monitor of a whole variety of horrible afflictions, events and disasters throughout the world.   Of course, many of the parents were tearing up, both expectant Moms and Dads.  ( Me too! Even though I am most definitely not expecting!)

I generally think of myself as a positive person, unless it is one of those times when I go off the ranch  and decide to worry about a whole plethora of things, most of which I have no control over anyway.  So, I was annoyed that someone would dedicate their creativity to this sort of idea.  Then, I saw the point.

After seeing all of these negative images there was a brief interlude, and then... images of lovely newborn babies interspersed with historical figures that changed the world began to stream across the video monitor.   People.  People who became important for ideas, inventions, diplomacy, music, art.  People who changed the world through their very presence, their very being.  As an irony, as I am sitting here writing, an inspirational message from an app I have on my phone popped up.  It was from Albert Einstein.

Being a parent is a scary, daunting, exhausting challenging task.  Parenting, as a verb, requires endless hours of blood sweat and tears, and there are no guarantees that your hard work will pay off.  There are no guarantees that your children will not suffer or have hard times in their lives.  Yet, I do believe parenting provides the opportunity to make a difference, to change the world through the people we mold.

So, having said all that, just do it anyway. Why bring kids into this world?  Because.

Who knows?

Maybe you are nurturing the next Albert Einstein...


Until next time,

Pam

It always matters....

Hello,


I want to say that in this short but succinct post, parenting never ends.  It matters not what age your children are.  They are always your children.  You continually want the best for them, however that looks.  You want them to find their own way well, and you want them to find all the pieces of life that truly matter....  Life, Health, Meaningful Work, Friendship and Love.

That's it.....

Until next time,
Pam

A Conundrum

Hello...


A Conundrum.   I looked up the definition of the word.  I wanted to make sure that if I put myself out there I had it right.  I did.  The word conundrum is a noun.  It means "riddle or hard question".  Here goes.

This morning I was sitting thinking about my kids, well actually our kids, but for the sake of this effort, my kids.  Our youngest daughter had been in for the weekend.  One of her best friends got married on Saturday.  She was in the wedding and we were invited to be part of the celebration.  ( First, that is a conundrum itself...how did Bill and I get to be friends of the parents?????)  We had a really nice time.  I got to have her all to myself for a bit on Friday afternoon before her duties and obligations as Maid of Honor began, and before all of the wedding festivities.   The wedding was lovely and fun.  Bill and I got to see some of Megan's best friends and spend time with them as well.   It was nice to be included and even complimented that Megan's friends enjoy our company.   Then it was Sunday.  I had to give Meg a hug and put her on a plane back to her life in Cleveland.  A Conundrum.

After Bill and I dropped Megan off we decided to Face Time our oldest daughter Anne.  She answered the call and we got to chat for a few minutes with her and her husband, Patrick.   We got to see Max, our grandson, chatting and playing and rolling around.  It was fun to see all of that....BUT it was on the phone.  A second Conundrum.

This morning, Monday, I texted our youngest.  I have not talked live with him for two weeks.  I did the Mom thing, I used guilt!  I said texting and all of that was fine, but I needed to have a conversation.  A real live voice on the phone, a sharing of experiences and ideas.  My guilting him worked.  We had a lovely conversation and got caught up on what has been happening in his and our new Megan Saxelby's lives.

  A third Conundrum.

I am pretty sure that if we had more kids, I would have more conundrums.

So, why the conundrum?  I went back and re-read the six premises I originally suggested about my philosophy on parenting 4 years ago.  Here is the list:

First,  Love unconditionally.  Well, that is all well and good, but how about the fact that sometimes I would like to have them conditionally...like live closer, and have weekly dinners and chat every day?

Second, Be the Parent.   Well, except when I want what I want, like spending more time live and chatting live and not putting people on planes.

Third, Use the Scary Word "No".  Ok,

except don't use that word on me.  

Fourth,  Do not try to create the child in your image.   Except when I want them to know exactly what I want and hope they have ESP and call me because I miss them.

Five,  Help them find their way.   I agree, but sometimes I don't like it!

Six,  Do No Harm.   Does guilt count?


There.   That is my Conundrum.  I admit openly and clearly and honestly that I really do think all six of those ideas are important and have merit.

Just maybe not on a dreary Monday when I would love to have coffee with Anne and hug Max, and meet Billy for a beer, and have Megan over for dinner, well actually have Anne, Patrick, Max, Billy, Megan and Megan over for dinner.

Just sayin.....


Until next time,

A partial impostor

Pam

Two Women a Baby and a Bug....

Hello!


Last time I wrote anything, I was anticipating great adventures.  Three generations crossing the Atlantic.  A quest to the great International Cheese Festival in Bra, Italy, not actually the Holy Grail, but close!

I was not sure what to expect!  I did know that there were two grownups and one baby and that the odds were in our favor!  I also knew that my daughter was and is fearless, that she was excited about the chance to take Max to new places.  I knew we would meet new people and experience new things, that Max loved people and loved being with his Mommy and I loved being with them, so we would be good.

When we arrived, after an overnight flight, which Max slept through, but we did not, we found our guide, she guided us to our rental car, we figured out the navigation system (by we I mean Anne) and took off.  We did not know that we actually should have gotten some Euros at the airport because even though we had American dollars and American credit cards, we did not have what we needed to pay the tolls on the toll roads, of which we encountered our first one very quickly.  We pulled up, tried our best to pay the toll, and then honked our horn a lot until a man appeared out of a tunnel and asked us what the #$% was wrong with us?  We talked to him ( and again by we I mean Anne) in fluent French and explained that we were sorry but we only had American money and American credit cards.  I think he may have thought bad things about us, but thankfully Anne is cute and we had a cute baby and she spoke French.  He gave us Euros to pay the toll, more Euros for the next one, and then told us where to get off to find an ATM so we could actually get our own Euros...whew...first problem averted. Onward!

We found our way to the ATM, enjoyed a beautiful drive down the mountain, got our own Euros and drove back up the mountain to our first destination, Verduno, which was our home base while in Italy.  We thought the drive would be about two hours, three and a half hours later, we arrived.   The site for our stay, this lovely little village, was in the vineyards and hilltops ten minutes outside of Bra where the cheese festival was held.  We were grateful to have arrived, solved a few more problems, like the fact that neither of our cell phones worked, even after numerous calls to the provider of paid for cell service, which shall remained unnamed, cause who knows who actually reads this stuff that I write, and were able to let all interested parties know we had found our way, and were not lost somewhere along the Mediterranean Sea.  We then proceeded to get food that we would all like, given that Max had decided that baby food was passe, gave Max his first Italian sink bath, and passed out.   We crossed our fingers that Max would sleep thru the night..... AND he did!

That was just the beginning of adventures and fun and exploration.  We took Max everywhere, as I said Anne is fearless, I was the doubter at times, like the night we took him into a fancy hotel restaurant.  As we entered the dining room, the head waiter and his staff all gave us the stink eye as we asked to be seated for dinner, I am pretty sure I was sweating by that point, BUT  Max was a trooper, better than a trooper he charmed everyone.  The dinner was lovely, the staff loved Max and Anne and I got to even enjoy a glass of wine!  See, Mommies know their babies....Grammies only have opinions until they are in the fancy restaurant and get to watch their grandchild in action!  We had many lovely nights like that.  Two women and a baby on great adventures, lunches out, villages to explore, and lovely sites to be seen.  We even managed when between the two said grownups we forgot the stroller and Anne carried Max all around the village of Barolo!

As for the Cheese Festival, Max charmed everyone.  Anne met people she loves and spent time learning and exploring and anticipating ways to make Saxelby Cheese even more dynamic and current and interesting, along with providing excellent and new product.  What fun to watch her in her element!  This Mommy also knows her child.  She is a force, a delight and such fun to watch.  As our kids become adults and explore and create their lives, it is a gift to participate, and be invited into their worlds.

Helping our children be who they are supposed to be.  Two woman and a baby on adventures through Europe.  Me helping Anne be able to take the trip and provide support.  Anne learning and exploring and designing new ways for her business.  Anne with the added gift of her baby son along to enjoy and expose to life.... in all sorts of new forms and ways and places.  Watching Max learn and become and be new each day!  Wow...

What an opportunity!

So, I say, seize the opportunities and adventures and times of life to be fully engaged.  Evolve, help your kids evolve, grow and learn.

I know these two women and a baby did just that!

Oh... as for the bug part, Anne and I got sick as dogs after we got back...

As for the baby...he is made of kryptonite and was just fine.  Whew!

Until next time...

Pam....aka one of the two women

coming soon....2 woman a baby and a bug...

A dirty little secret.....

Hello!


After caring for my lovely grandson Max last week,  I found myself sitting in my chiropractors office this morning.  While I was waiting for my turn, I picked up a copy of the Ladies Home Journal. I could have chosen Science Magazine, People, or Rifle Monthly, but I was in a Ladies Home Journal mood.  Besides all of the articles that talk about how to find your best self, and the really important ones about what not to wear, and then of course, what to wear :), I found an essay section written by outside sources and submitted to the magazine. The winning articles were published.  The article I chose, was written by a woman who was discussing that the "Empty Nest Syndrome" can be harder than people think.  I read along, because I was interested, and when I got to the part where she admitted that she wondered "is this the end of my real life?" I looked around to see if anyone else noticed my mouth gapping stare.  After trying to nonchalantly gaze around the waiting room to see if anyone had noticed my strange expression, I thought someone else knows my dirty little secret!

Ok, of course life does not end after your kids grow and go off to college and their own worlds beyond that.  Because, honestly, that is what we are suppose to do!  Helping our children become who they are suppose to become is the goal and mantra, in my opinion, of parenting done well.  After all, how many times have I talked about creating kids who know who they are and what they want and follow their paths, not the ones we may have designed for them.  Yet, as I read the article this morning, it made me realize that in the process of trying our best to parent well, at least for me, there is a Catch-22 component.

When you spend 20+ years, at least, and many more if you have more than one child, thinking about someone else and doing your best to meet their needs, you can rightly and without intent, loose parts of yourself in the process.  I think this is true for men and for women, yet I wonder if it is more of a female issue than male.  Now that both genders choose to stay home with their kids, or become the primary caretaker, this idea may apply to all people who are parents.

So, I am thinking that this part of the story can be a cautionary tale!  While loving your kids well, and spending all the time needed to help them become great people, remember to take good good care of yourself along the way.  I know at times that is hard, and it is not an all or nothing process.  We don't have to give our kids everything of ourselves all the time in order for them to turn out well.  We actually serve them even better by making sure we evolve well.

 Figure out what you need along the way, and nurture that part too.  If you do, than maybe everyone will need less therapy!

Today, celebrate who you are and go out and do something really nice for yourself.  It is not selfish to take care of you and remember who you are, or design new parts of yourself.   As your kids grow, you can too.

Help them find them and help you find you....

My father in law use to say "reach back grab your ass, you've found yourself"!  Obviously he was not into brooding over the whole "Who am I" question.

Today, grab something, or someone, or some new idea, experience or adventure.  Do it just for yourself!

Go for it!  You will love yourself for it and so will your kids.


Until next time,

Pam

clarification...

NO disrespect intended in any way shape or form to outside help or childcare!

Whew....

Pam

civilizing addendum...

One more thought....


I wonder in the whole civilizing process how much nature and nurture come into play...
I am in New York with the lovely Max, and watching all of Brooklyn go by.  There are a whole bunch of kids who's daily care is also provided by Nannys....

Can kids be civilized by society as much as by their parents?  I wonder if kids who have hard circumstances can find their way through outside sources?

Just wondering....


Until another thought....

Pam

The Civilizing Process...

Hello!


I have been thinking about this post idea ever since my daughter, Megan, graduated from her Master's Program in July.  During her graduation week, one of the events involved professors talking about the difference each student had made, and what they would take away from their experience with that individual.   The commentary shared about Megan, was that her work with junior high kids involved a lot of time teaching them how to be civilized.  I liked that thought!

The civilizing process can be daunting!  How as parents, do we help kids become people you would like to meet, and know, and be friends with?  People who keep evolving and growing and becoming the type of person they want to be?  Someone that is likable and able.

I think it must start right from the earliest elements of parenting.  We teach our kids to trust by being there for them when they cry and try to meet their needs.  We teach our kids to love by loving them in a way that is unconditional and constant.  We teach our kids to be people by showing them and teaching them rules of decorum ( this can be hard, even on the best parents....when our kids were teenagers they actually got into a fight and threw a shoe across a restaurant...Yikes....we had to keep working on that :).  We teach our kids how to care for others by caring for people we love well.  We teach our kids how to take risks and grow by demonstrating our own ability to do that.  We teach our kids....well, bottom line, our kids learn what they live.  Each day, we their parents are their best teachers, no matter how old our children are.

I just had a great conversation with one of my kids.  We shared what each of us felt, and talked about what we needed, in a way that I believe was respectful and honest.  Hmmm... we must have practiced that before!

Sometimes I think it is hard to do the right thing and be the parent, even when your kids are adults, but we must.  We signed onto that agreement the minute our kids were born!  It can be the best and hardest part of life, trying to be a good parent, trying to demonstrate how to evolve, and how to be a person.  A person who is civilized enough to know they do not know everything and keep working on it.  That is the whole point.

I know I am far from perfect, but damn if I am not going to keep trying!

OK...I guess not perfection, cause that would be CRAZY talk....but how about GREAT?

That is pretty civilized.

Until next time,

Pam

It matters...

OK...

Just saying, time spent with your kids, no matter what age, matters.

That's it.

Pam

Joyful celebration....

Hi!

Ok, my thought for today is that school is starting.  All kids go back to school soon, if they haven't already.

As you send them back, be joyful and celebrate.  Celebrate all that you have helped them achieve and be to this point!  Then, go out and celebrate yourself.

I am in Cleveland doing just that.  My 30 year old started her first day back at school today.  Of course, she is the teacher now.  How did that happen???


Until next time,

Pam

just saying...WOMEN

OK....

proof reading...still a challenge!

Going out there....

Hello!


As  I sit here Friday morning, I am thinking about a conversation I have been having with a friend of mine. It is about how we woman define ourselves.  I bet men get caught up in this too, yet I am sure they do not talk about it as much. It must go along with that Men are from Mars and woman are from Venus thing....

So here goes....

I think woman and men should define themselves with integrity, intelligence, bravery and curiosity. And, if we have children, I think our primary job should be to figure out how to be real and evolving and a role model.  A role model that is not afraid to show our kids all the parts of life that are out there, the good, the hard and the sad, and how to deal with, manage and change as needed.  Because if we do that, we will give our kids a pretty good road map to help guide them along the way, kind of like parent GPS.

 "How to Be" is the name of a great children's book by Lisa Brown.   You should get a copy even if you don't have small children.  It could be the life guide for everyone.  I especially like the short chapter on "How to be a Person" here it is:

"Be brave, curious, patient, charming, creative, and friendly...Be yourself."

I would also add, dare greatly....

Now, if we could all actually do that and model that for our kids it could be great.  I am continually working on it!


Until next time...

Just Be....Pam

Question....

OK...

Question....  Blog title good? Bad? Too Angry?? ... or as it is meant to be, tongue in cheek?

Comments welcomed!

Pam

On the Road to Hell.....

Hello!


Last week, as you know, I was in Madison with my daughter and her baby son.
While we were there we got to meet a whole bunch of people, and THAT kid.


We have all met THAT kid.  Sometimes it is while we are out and about in the world at large, sometimes it is within the school community our kids are part of, sometimes it, as has happened in my life, is a child in your class, and sometimes it can even be a member of your extended family. If THAT kid is part of your extended fam....YIKES, cause there is no escape.

This time, however, THAT kid was someone I met out and about in the world at large, through shared experience and shared social contacts.....

As I watched and listened to the interaction between said kid and his parents, it was hard not to want to offer advice.  We all know that kids become what they learn and live, and that part of the biggest responsibility of being a parent is setting clear and cohesive limits and boundaries, without that kids become free range children.  By free range children, I mean all of those kids we have met whose parents work hard at letting them "be" asking them if they are happy and if they are making 'good choices", when they are toddlers.  I am sorry, but the only choices young children should have are maybe what they want to wear, when it is appropriate, and what they may want to have as a snack, if you are up for that.  Beyond that, we do our kids a disservice if we don't set up clear and precise boundaries for them.  No one learns without trial and error.  Kids need to know what they can and can not do, what is and is not appropriate and how to be out in the world without causing terror!

I have spoken to this point before. Beyond unconditional love, the most important part of a parents job is to set clear limits and boundaries for your kids during every stage of their development.  What is necessary is to know what those limits are and how the boundaries look.   Help your kids become competent people.  In order to do that, you have to show up and be willing to do the dirty work and that work requires you being the bad guy from time to time and using that scary word "NO"!

I was relaying my experience today with my Mother in Law, and I have to credit her with the title of this post... She said "Wow Honey, if those parents don't start setting limits and boundaries for their child, they are on the road to hell!"

And....there we have it!

Choose to be the parent.  Do your job with love and deep responsibility.  Free Range is for chickens, eggs, and turkeys, not kids, unless they are baby goats!

Until next thought....

Pam

Quick thought

Hi!

Just sharing the thought that life is like a speeding bullet train...

How did I get from attending the University of Wisconsin Madison to caring for my grandson while my  grown daughter attends The American Cheese Society Conference??

Sue...you know who you are....can you believe that I am in Madison....as a Gramma?? :)

Until next time,
Pam

Remembering...

Hi...


So, I contemplated if I wanted to write this or not, and have decided that yes,  I will.

Last year on this date, I was in a very different place.  I was in the hospital with my Mom after she had a life ending brain aneurysm, so quick and so unexpected.  A tumultuous day.

Today, I got to go to the park and have coffee with Anne and Max and her friend Nicole and her new baby girl Charlotte.....

I think Mom was there too, she never missed a moment.

We should try not to either.

Until next time,

Pam

You forget the way it was...

Ok...

So I am sitting in our New York apartment waiting for the man who told me he would be here, to install an air conditioner.  He has called and said he was coming...yet I am getting suspect of his time frames...

So, as I am sitting here, and the reason we even have an apartment in New York, is because we now have a grandson, I decided to write. What a delight it is to have a new member of the family.  I am just in the beginning phases of figuring this new role out. Because we have raised 3 grown children,  thought it would mean that I know something, but I know nothing about being a grammie, except that I want to do it right and well.  I plan to keep working on that.

Yesterday, we were invited to go to brunch at one of our daughter's friend's home.  They have a new baby, it is their second.  As we were sitting and conversing the new Mom  commented on how hard it was to now have two kids.  The jump from one to two was monumental and exponential, and she really is thinking hard about how not to mess them up.  She has been struggling with the notion that she wants to do this whole parenting thing differently than her parents did.  She complimented my husband and myself on how well she thinks we did, and I was honored.  Yet, I told her it was all done with smoke and mirrors..!  Actually, I did not say that.  What I did say was that we tried to be mindful and adjust and evolve with each child.  I also told her that it's ok to not want to repeat the things that your parents did wrong, or wrong at least to you.   I told her to be mindful daily, as best you can, and think about what you want your kids to be.

I think Bill and I have done a pretty good job.  I told her she would too, and to trust herself and adjust accordingly.  The goal is to help each child become who they are suppose to be, not what we think they should be.  If you keep thinking about that, I think it usually works out pretty well!

If that does not work, I told her I shared with my 3 kids that I had really tried to do the best I could for them, and that if they needed any help to please find a good therapist...



Until next time!

Pam

Unconditional Love...revisited

Hello!

This morning as I am attempting to wake up, my husband has this thing called a job, so he gets up early, I grabbed a cup of nice strong coffee and also a book that our daughter Megan, who is a teacher and scholar,  left on the counter.  It is called "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness".  I took both the coffee and the book outside and began to enjoy them.

I was not sure what to expect from the book, but the title intrigued me.  I know that in the very first blog I wrote, I listed what I think are the most important ideas to consider as a parent if you want to try and raise children who become  competent and fully cooked adults with the least amount of baggage and strife in their lives.  I am fairly certain that "unconditional love" was one of the first things I mentioned, if not the very first.  I would like to think that my brain would remember accurately, but all of us over 50 know that can be iffy!  As I sipped my coffee and began to peruse the book, I  was reminded of what my basic thought about raising kids has and will always be.  Unconditional love is the best gift we can give them.  

The author of the book, Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., talked about how to help children have a connected life.  Through his research and study, he has determined that unconditional love is one of the biggest predictors in raising kids who become adults that are "fully cooked" this is my phrase, not his.   Adults who are able to navigate the world and their life with the feelings of security, basic trust, courage, optimism, love of life, and the ability to deal with adversity.   These qualities, in his educated opinion, are what lead to strong capable adults.  Adults who can navigate life well, all the parts...the good the bad and the ugly, because we all know life can have all of those dimensions. 

What was fascinating to me at the ripe old age of 56, is that I still search for answers about why I think the way I do, and have and do believe that a lot of our emotional baggage comes from the messages we received as children.  I believe that my parents did the best they were able to, and I did feel loved...yet at times growing up there were caveats  attached to that loved feeling...did I do something well, did I mess up, was I perfect enough.  I am not at all trying to make this about me, I am on the contrary trying to provide an observation, that even at 56 I am aware of these thoughts.

Unconditional love given from parents to children is the way children feel connected to the world. It gives kids the opportunity to develop basic feelings of security and trust, those underlying layers of personal self confidence.  Maybe instead of worrying about too many things as a parent, we start right there, or revisit or renew our efforts in loving our kids unconditionally, no matter what!  I think that message throughout all of life and every stage of parenting is an important one.

O.K.  Just as I am contemplating how to finish this post, I received a phone call from a dear friend, a Mommy of adult children who are leading their own lives. We had to talk about remembering the whole premise of loving our kids unconditionally.  Sometimes they make it harder than other times...

Just saying.....

Until next time,

Pam

Woo Hoo!

Hi All...


Woo Hoo to my youngest daughter as she drives cross country ....by herself!

Woo Hoo to all parents who in spite of their own need to control things :) (like me)...
embrace their children's  (even when they are grown ups and you can at best have an opinion)
goals and aspirations and plans.

Until my next thought,

Pam

Reaping the Rewards...

Hello!

Last weekend I got to watch the fruits of our efforts pay off....I've always told our kids, as did my husband, that they have to take good care of each other.   I have also told them that if they don't, I will figure out how to come back from the grave at the appropriate time :) and haunt them mercilessly if they do not.  Just saying.....

So...they listened!

Megan, our youngest daughter moved last weekend from one home to another in the Cleveland area and as we were helping her, her brother and his wife surprised her ( they had driven 8 hours from New York)  and showed up at her new home just in time to help with lots of "grunt" work.   The lovely look of joy and sheer glee on her face when they arrived, was spectacular!

So....just saying... after you do alllllll the work required while raising your kids, it is a blast to watch and enjoy and share in the fun!

If it is one of those days with your kids, just know that by putting in the time when they are young, it pays off!

Until next time,

Pam

Have they lost their minds? Just saying

Goodmorning!

This will be short.

I am listening to the Today show and the next segment is about "No Punishment Parenting" which has made me think that maybe I am getting cranky, or people have lost their minds.

Call me crazy, but I think parents have to be able to set limits and boundaries for their kids.  It is one of the most important jobs we have.  They can't do it on their own.

That's it!

Until next time,

Pam

It's not complicated....And, yes it really is

Hello All,


I first tried to write this entry after I came back from sitting on a bench in Brooklyn New York. That was two weeks ago.  My first attempt began as I was sitting in the apartment that my husband and I have rented in Brooklyn, on my I-Pad, and it was annoying.  I could get the typing portion of my I-Pad to work only when I put the title in, maybe it was trying to tell me it was a bad title because I have changed it here.  I started with the idea that parenting and life could be uncomplicated if we allowed it, and then realized that there may be some people far more than me, but I think for most of us, even if we practice Zen like thinking and advanced Yoga, that life and parenting are often QUITE  complicated.

The idea for this post began, like I said, while I was sitting on a bench two blocks from our New York apartment eating a muffin and enjoying coffee early one morning.  I was watching all the life beginning to emerge around me.  At first it was lovely and quiet and then the pace picked up.  I started seeing the day begin, for real.  In the section of Brooklyn that we rent in, there are many families and lots of them with young children. I observed Moms and Dads taking their kids to school.  Many stopped at the same place I was at to get a morning treat and beverage.  The kids all looked pretty excited because I was sitting outside a bakery.  Actually, the complicated part probably started right there....healthy breakfast items??? Hmmmm...that is not why I was there.

It was fun and entertaining and actually sociologically informative watching all these groups and sets of people.  Some Parents were very engaged with their kids, some were very distracted and one was outright frazzled.  I myself have been in all of these states with my children during that early part of their lives, and maybe I even am at some points these days!  Watching all these people made me think that truly, every parent wants the same things.  They want their children to be healthy and well, smart, socially adjusted, good people, successful at life.  That is probably where the uncomplicated piece stops....cause we all know how we get to that point, and how our children (hopefully) get to that point, is the complicated part.

As my observing continued, one Mom sat down and shared my bench.  You guys know me, I am nice, for the most part, and offered her a place....she was the frazzled Mom.  She had just gotten her daughter a muffin and raced her off to school, preshool...so of course we talked about that, and then came back with her young son and got him a muffin, herself a BIG coffee and sat down on the lovely bench we shared.  Conversation began, and she told me her son had just been so sick, and she had to get her daughter to school and was happy to sit down for a minute or two.  She had not been able to even take a shower yet, and was just glad her son was better.  He had had a bad upper-respiratory infection and even had to have a brief stint in the hospital. So naturally, of course, she was still recovering as well.  And that is how life and parenting gets complicated.  You just never know what will be.

So, today when the complication arises, or if it happens to be one of the lovely days ZERO complications arise, go with it.  Know that you will take care of anything you have to, that you can do it, that love will guide you, and when as the old saying goes "this too shall pass" and it has, have a large coffee, sit on a nice bench and enjoy life.  Celebrate all the small, common, every day parts of life and smile.  It will fortify you for "the next time"!

Life must be pretty complicated for me today, cause I still haven't taken a shower! :)

Until next time.

Pam

Periodically crazy

Hello All!


I do not know about any of you, but periodically I am sure that I am certifiable!

As my kids were growing up, I wanted to teach them by being a good example.  I subscribe to the thought that my kids should see me as someone they could emulate.  My Dad use to say "Do as I say, not as I do."  I think that can work out o.k. for the most part, yet I am really striving to be the "Do as I Do" person.

Last time I was in New York visiting out oldest daughter and my new grandson and her husband, I was really thinking about trying to be laid back and follow their lead, and hope that I was cool...I think I did that.  One night I had the chance to just be with my daughter, and the lovely Max, who soon went to bed.  She asked me what I would change about myself.... and AH HA...there you have it.  I had to reveal what my "crazy" is, and of course she already knew it.   I am neurotic about health issues.  I always think the worst, and so have a hard time not imagining the absolute worst...( of course last year I got whacked a bit along those lines, but it all got resolved) and I told her, I wish that I could change how I think, and that I am constantly working on that!!  Trying to stop the crazy voice in my own head!

You know, each and every one of us is flawed.  Even me... :)

So, if you take anything away from these posts, I would hope that you appreciate that by trying hard and being real and working at being a good parent, your adult daughter (adult children) will love you always and respect what is important.  She will know you and appreciate the fact that even when she outs you by naming the crazy part of you....she knows you have tried hard and will continue to, to be the parent that is attempting to be wise, helpful, real and evolving throughout each and every part of life!

We parents don't have to be perfect.  We just have to try!

I guess THAT is a good lesson in itself!

Until next time,
Pam

Family Style

Hello All!

So, by family style I don't mean buffet!

Last night we were at a family birthday dinner for our oldest daughter, Anne.  She had invited a good friend of hers along.  We were enjoying dinner, and celebrating.  We laughed a lot and told stories about our family and my daughter's husband's family and my daughter in law Megan's family and then... we got to the part of the evening where it was coffee time.

My husband likes his coffee super sweet...and we keep trying to have him give up Sweet and Low, (not with much success) so Anne's mother in law pulled out a container of small pills that are a sweetener she carries from Europe.  She passed the container over to Bill ( my husband) and this is where it got interesting.  Anne commented that it looked like we were passing small drugs out... and then she proceeded to share with her friend, Katlyn, ( sorry Caitlin?) the story of her brother's run in with me, his mother about an hysterical misunderstanding that happened in his senior year of high school. Surmise it to say that I accused him of all sorts of things due to circumstantial evidence, and really put his feet to the fire...not literally of course, I do pride myself on being a good Mom!  The story involved police and hospitals and lots and lots of me yelling at our son, Bill.

Katlyn, at this point, was in hysterics.  She said that at her house, if this would have happened, her Mom or Dad or someone would have thrown all the contraband out, and that would have been it.  They never would have taken it to the level that I chose to...AND there we go!  Family Styles!

I like to pride myself on that fact that my husband and I have succeeded at raising 3 competent, smart, caring and quality individuals.  Yes, of course that is my opinion, but here, it is the only one that counts!  (I have though, received independent collaboration) Here is the point:  I truly believe that kids need all they can get from us in terms of guidance and clear vision and accountability. I guess some kids will turn out fine without that, and maybe they are genetically wired to be successful no matter what, but I think (yes I used the crazy word "but") without parents who hold their kids accountable and set limits and boundaries and actually discipline them, society would be complete anarchy!

So, today if your kid does something bad, or you are not sure if he has done something bad, or you are thinking her may have done something bad....BUST HIM!   Kids need us to show them the way to be.  The way to be responsible and accountable.  They have plenty of friends, and only 1 set of parents.

Be the bad guy when you should!!

You'll have great stories to share later!

Until next time,

Pam

Tonight

Hello!

I sit here tonight thinking about going to New York tomorrow to visit with the lovely Max, our grandson and I wonder....how does life go so very fast?  I think of my grandmother who used to say that time went faster the older you became.... Well, I think she was right!

Here's to enjoying and participating and being present in every minute, even the ones we would like to forget!

Enjoy!

Pam

Quick thought

Hello!

Celebrate your kids today for the people they are, congratulate yourself on helping them become those people and forgive yourself any and all imperfections you have as a parent.  After all, perfect is boring!

:) Pam

Friday...

Hello!

I was trying to think of something clever to write about today.  I started by looking at the photos on my i photo.  I realized that they tell a great story.  I of course only know how to work part of that whole i photo thing.... I have at least advanced to being able to open it and actually send files!  That for me is a great triumph, baby steps yes, but for me great!

So, as I looked at the latest import, I realized that all my photos are about family and places and events we have all been at together.  There are photos of trips and travels and graduations and birthdays and weddings and now....BABIES!  Actual new little people that are the next generation in this family.

What a cool thing...family!  Yes, I know we all have those stories and events that make us want to pull our hair out, and even in my case there are some people that make me want to pull a lot of my hair out.  I would be funny looking and maybe just accepting that we don't get to pick our family, is a better idea.  I was talking with my brother yesterday and we used that age old line " You can pick your friends and your nose, but you can not pick your family."  And, maybe that is exactly how it should be.  The whole big jumbled mess of love and angst and triumph that means family.

So, maybe on this Friday, pause and celebrate and enjoy even those most annoying family members and know that family is what life is all about.  

Happy weekend!

Until next time,

Pam

Just how it is...

Hello!

Short thought today....

When we were in Austin for our son's wedding....and I was looking at him and he was so obviously happy it made me happy....and Anne, our oldest said she was really happy, and that when her new baby son was happy, she was happy....I thought....and THAT is how it goes.

It starts the minute children are born....when they are happy, we are happy....and that is just how it is.


Happy weekend! (At least until someone is not :))

Pam

Right there...

Hello All!


This morning, as I was trying to get myself motivated to exercise on our treadmill, I put in an old VCR tape of the Whoopie Goldberg  movie Sister Act Two, yes we actually still have an old TV with a built in VCR!  I needed motivation and something fun to watch while walking on the treadmill.  The movie is one that I hadn't watched for quite awhile.  It was fun and got me thinking.

Sister Act Two is not a deep movie, yet some scenes had me running around looking for a pen to write down thoughts.  In the film, there is a young girl who really just wants to sing.  Her mom is against it, and of course, that is often a theme in movies about teenagers.  The Ying and the Yang between parent and child....what we want for them and what they want, our desire to protect, and guide and shelter them from what our life experience tells us, and the harder parts of life.  I am sure most parents can relate to that kind of thought process.

I am a new Grandma.  Most of you know that.  I was talking with Anne last night and listening to her as she is in the earliest of stages of trying to figure out what is good for her son, Max, and why.  I listened to all that she was saying, and I am trying to be a good listener and not give opinions unless asked.  As I was thinking this morning about all that she and I talked about, and as I watched this silly movie, I decided again that what good parents do best is think about what they want for their kids, watch and listen and learn about their kids, learn what their children want, and then meld the two.  It is a balancing act.  Figuring out how at each stage of your and your child's life to balance your fears as a parent with the desires and dreams of your children.  The ultimate goal is to help our children be who they are meant to become, not what we want them to be.

It is the never ending part of parenting.  Trying always to encourage and guide and help our children become all that they are meant to be and keep them safe and well through the process.

On to Part Two... can't wait to see all that baby Max becomes.  Of course right now he is working on smiling and holding his head up.  His parents, Anne and Patrick, are encouraging him every step of the way!

Hey we all started right there...

Until next time,

Pam