Hi!
There has been a lot going on this week that has made me first, not be able to write until today, and second think a lot about what really matters the most during this approaching holiday season. The title of this week's post says it all..being present, the Best Present.
I have been thinking a lot this week about what matters the most, at least to me, and I would assume to most parents and families. What matters the most to me is the people I love. My family has had the opportunity to assess just that this week, as one of our most loved members received bad news from the doctor. I think when that kind of thing occurs, it makes us all take stock of the things in our lives that really are important. For me, that is my family. My husband, my children, my mother, my brothers, my husband's parents, and the whole of the extended family. It causes me, at least, to think about how I choose to spend my time and what brings the greatest joy.
As the holidays are rapidly approaching, take time to think about what is important. Important to you and to the specific goals you have for your children and the quality of your family. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Christmas, which is the next special holiday for my family, is fast approaching. As I think about what really matters through all the "stuff" that we do during this time of year specifically, I ask all parents to consider what is the most precious gift they can give their children. My answer to that would be the gift of yourself. The gift of "being present" being available, the gift of time uninterrupted with your children.
My partner in crime at school (aka my teaching partner) was lamenting what she had noticed frequently in the past week while she was out and about within our community. She was noticing all sorts of Moms very engaged with their cell phones and not engaged with their children. Now I know everyone has lots to do and that in this age of endless communication it can be quite tempting and maybe even addictive to have to answer every phone call and be on top of all that is going on in one's life. But I ask this, to what end are we each working towards? Do we want to send the message to our children that they are secondary to all the other"stuff' we have going on in our lives? Or, is better to take care of your children first, and the rest of the "stuff" second? I am not trying to nag or preach here. I remember what it was like trying to do all the things required to work and run a family and take care of a household. It is time consuming and exhausting! But, and here is the but...can we all be mindful and choose to take the time, especially now during this time of year, to spend time? To be present, to talk with your kids in the car, to sit down and ask how school was, to go out to lunch and just listen to your child?
So, as this season of "craziness" is about to take off as evidenced by all the ads and emails and special offers presented to us constantly, I ask each of us to consider what is the most priceless gift we can give our children. I would argue it is the gift of ourselves. The gift of being present, of being in the moment with your children. Spend time. Fill up your children's buckets with gifts of time, and experiences and of being available to them physically, emotionally and mentally. That, I would argue is the best gift of all.
So, consider giving your children the best present of all this year. Give them the gift of yourself. Be present; THAT is the Best Present of all!
Until next time! Happy Thanksgiving!
Pam
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Evolving
Hi!
It's Tuesday and I have been thinking a lot about what to write this week.
This past week at school I watched a young Mom struggle with what to do. The class was meeting outside and the kids were running around playing. Her daughter was having a hard time staying at school that day, and I could see this Mom wrestling with herself about what was right...right for her and right for her daughter. I decided to step in and suggest that it would be better for this lovely little girl if her Mom left her. The Mom handed her child immediately to me and left. Within a matter of seconds the little girl stopped crying, I put her down, and she began to giggle and run with the other children.
When we were done outside and entered the building to begin our day, the school secretary approached me and said the little girl's Mom had called and needed and wanted to know how she was doing. I relayed the information about how quickly she had stopped crying and how well she was doing. We proceeded with our day and when this little girl's Mom came to pick her up, she shared with me how difficult it had been to leave her daughter and that she had cried all the way home.
Later that day, as I was at home, I thought about what a great thing that Mom had done. She had taken the time to decide what was best for her child, listen to another idea and then do what was hard for her, but good for her daughter. She Evolved!
I had a wonderful therapist I would talk to from time to time while I was deep in the throws of raising my 3 children. I figured I could use all the help I could get! This parenting stuff gets really hard at times! From leaving your little ones, to helping them navigate the early years of elementary school, onto the really scary times of adolescence and awkwardness and finally the truly terrifying time .....TEENAGERS! She helped me a lot! One of the best types of advice she gave me was to evolve. Just as your children evolve through all the stages of growth while growing up, good parents evolve too. Good parents evolve through all the parenting stages and grow as parents.
When you bring that first baby home you have NO IDEA! I mean that literally. You have absolutely no idea what you are doing. You may think you do because you've read all the books about parenting you can get your hands on, but until you actually have to parent, you have no idea what to do. When we brought our first child home, it took my husband and myself all night to figure out that it was a really bad idea to change our daughter on our bed. She would pee each time all over our bed, because of course we had no idea that maybe it would be better to change her on a towel! With each stage as your child grows, you grow too. You know what to do for you baby, then you know what to do for your toddler, then you know what to do for your elementary school child, then you know what to do for your young adolescent, and then....well..no..NO ONE knows what to do with their teenager! That is an art all it's own! Whew, it's a good thing we grow into parenting. I thought I knew a lot about my children, but I could tell you some stories about my kids as teenagers that would make your hair stand up!
The point is this. Evolve. Grow as a parent through each stage of your child's life. There will be different requirements for each and every stage. Be aware, be informed, be willing to grow and change and adapt to every new phase of your child's life.
Don't expect your child to act the same through each growth phase. Don't expect yourself to act the same or be the same through each of your child's growth phases. Be able to evolve and do what's necessary at each time. Do what the lovely young Mom did. She let her daughter grow, and in the process, she grew too. She evolved. She cried, but she evolved.
As my now 21 year old son told me the other day, "Mom, you and Dad are the Executive Producers." We are at the stage where our job is to provide the encouragement and resources to help him find his way professionally. He is a senior in college, ready to graduate, ready to begin making his own movies, ready to begin his own adult life.
Our job now is to evolve once again. Evolve into great cheerleaders. Cheering him onto his own. What a great feeling that is!
Until next time,
Pam
It's Tuesday and I have been thinking a lot about what to write this week.
This past week at school I watched a young Mom struggle with what to do. The class was meeting outside and the kids were running around playing. Her daughter was having a hard time staying at school that day, and I could see this Mom wrestling with herself about what was right...right for her and right for her daughter. I decided to step in and suggest that it would be better for this lovely little girl if her Mom left her. The Mom handed her child immediately to me and left. Within a matter of seconds the little girl stopped crying, I put her down, and she began to giggle and run with the other children.
When we were done outside and entered the building to begin our day, the school secretary approached me and said the little girl's Mom had called and needed and wanted to know how she was doing. I relayed the information about how quickly she had stopped crying and how well she was doing. We proceeded with our day and when this little girl's Mom came to pick her up, she shared with me how difficult it had been to leave her daughter and that she had cried all the way home.
Later that day, as I was at home, I thought about what a great thing that Mom had done. She had taken the time to decide what was best for her child, listen to another idea and then do what was hard for her, but good for her daughter. She Evolved!
I had a wonderful therapist I would talk to from time to time while I was deep in the throws of raising my 3 children. I figured I could use all the help I could get! This parenting stuff gets really hard at times! From leaving your little ones, to helping them navigate the early years of elementary school, onto the really scary times of adolescence and awkwardness and finally the truly terrifying time .....TEENAGERS! She helped me a lot! One of the best types of advice she gave me was to evolve. Just as your children evolve through all the stages of growth while growing up, good parents evolve too. Good parents evolve through all the parenting stages and grow as parents.
When you bring that first baby home you have NO IDEA! I mean that literally. You have absolutely no idea what you are doing. You may think you do because you've read all the books about parenting you can get your hands on, but until you actually have to parent, you have no idea what to do. When we brought our first child home, it took my husband and myself all night to figure out that it was a really bad idea to change our daughter on our bed. She would pee each time all over our bed, because of course we had no idea that maybe it would be better to change her on a towel! With each stage as your child grows, you grow too. You know what to do for you baby, then you know what to do for your toddler, then you know what to do for your elementary school child, then you know what to do for your young adolescent, and then....well..no..NO ONE knows what to do with their teenager! That is an art all it's own! Whew, it's a good thing we grow into parenting. I thought I knew a lot about my children, but I could tell you some stories about my kids as teenagers that would make your hair stand up!
The point is this. Evolve. Grow as a parent through each stage of your child's life. There will be different requirements for each and every stage. Be aware, be informed, be willing to grow and change and adapt to every new phase of your child's life.
Don't expect your child to act the same through each growth phase. Don't expect yourself to act the same or be the same through each of your child's growth phases. Be able to evolve and do what's necessary at each time. Do what the lovely young Mom did. She let her daughter grow, and in the process, she grew too. She evolved. She cried, but she evolved.
As my now 21 year old son told me the other day, "Mom, you and Dad are the Executive Producers." We are at the stage where our job is to provide the encouragement and resources to help him find his way professionally. He is a senior in college, ready to graduate, ready to begin making his own movies, ready to begin his own adult life.
Our job now is to evolve once again. Evolve into great cheerleaders. Cheering him onto his own. What a great feeling that is!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Playing for Keeps!
Hi!
It's Wednesday and oh what a beautiful day it is! I am writing today because I have been out "playing" myself!
I have been thinking a lot about play and how it can be such a positive way to send messages to our children. When we play with our kids it shows them that we value them and want to spend time with them. It shows them we like them and enjoy them. It shows them they are important and someone we choose to be with. It shows them we like what is important to them. It shows them that we pick spending time, doing something joyful with them, instead of something else (like cleaning or paperwork, or phone calls...)! It sends a message that they are valued.
I had the opportunity this Monday to learn something new. At a professional meeting I was at, we were discussing learning and how children learn best. One of the most interesting points presented, was that children learn to value what they see valued. AH HA (I thought)! When we play with our children, take the time to do that, we are demonstrating powerfully, I would argue, that we value them!
I have the opportunity to watch lots of young parents through my job. Just last week, one young father came in with his son, this father is the primary caretaker for their family. He brought his son into the classroom and they went to look at all that was planned for the day. He took the time to see what Russell would be doing that day. It so happened that we had the marble works out, which is a game where kids build the ramps and structure and then race the marbles down. Well, this game is one of Russell's favorite things to do! He and his Dad sat down on the rug and began to put the structure together. Russell was literally gleeful, jumping and screeching (in the best of ways) and laughing with his Dad as they raced their marbles down the track. This fabulous father sat for a few minutes laughing and enjoying his son. He did not try to rush out the door and get onto his day.. he sat and played and sent a wonderful message to his son. He sent the message that he valued him through the time they took just to play.
I see all sorts of parents and styles of parenting. Each type of person and parent is different, but play is universal! Everyone can play! All kids love to play. Just watch them. Kids make up games out of almost anything. Yesterday I watched a group of children pick up pieces of old cement and play with it. They made a pretend campfire and invited me to roast marshmallows with them..they were fabulous I must say! The best marshmallows I ever had! :)
My point it this: Play is the way children learn. When we play with them, we demonstrate that what is important to them is important to us. We demonstrate value. Children learn to value what they see valued. Do you think you help them learn to value themselves if you play with them?? I say a resounding "YES"! By taking the time to play and enjoy and laugh with your children, you show them they are valued . When you show them they are valued they learn to value themselves.
How much better does it get than that? Isn't that the point of parenting? To raise and create a person who is strong and capable and able all on his own? Someone who values himself. Someone who knows that he has worth. Someone who feels valued. Someone who knows they matter. By doing that, we help create adults who can do anything, because they inherently know they are valuable. We helped them realize that because we took the time to value them. We took the time out of our busy day, because everyone is busy, just to play!
When you play with your kids you build a relationship with them. A relationship that is built on value and respect and trust, because you took time to do what your kids liked and what they needed. All children learn best through play...actually maybe all people do too!
So go ahead..Play! When you do, you send the message that your children are valued and valuable. A message that sets up a great foundation for a wonderful life long relationship with your children. A message of value, respect, trust and love.
As a matter of fact, I was doing just that this past weekend. Playing with my adult children and oh what fun we had!!
Until next time,
Pam
It's Wednesday and oh what a beautiful day it is! I am writing today because I have been out "playing" myself!
I have been thinking a lot about play and how it can be such a positive way to send messages to our children. When we play with our kids it shows them that we value them and want to spend time with them. It shows them we like them and enjoy them. It shows them they are important and someone we choose to be with. It shows them we like what is important to them. It shows them that we pick spending time, doing something joyful with them, instead of something else (like cleaning or paperwork, or phone calls...)! It sends a message that they are valued.
I had the opportunity this Monday to learn something new. At a professional meeting I was at, we were discussing learning and how children learn best. One of the most interesting points presented, was that children learn to value what they see valued. AH HA (I thought)! When we play with our children, take the time to do that, we are demonstrating powerfully, I would argue, that we value them!
I have the opportunity to watch lots of young parents through my job. Just last week, one young father came in with his son, this father is the primary caretaker for their family. He brought his son into the classroom and they went to look at all that was planned for the day. He took the time to see what Russell would be doing that day. It so happened that we had the marble works out, which is a game where kids build the ramps and structure and then race the marbles down. Well, this game is one of Russell's favorite things to do! He and his Dad sat down on the rug and began to put the structure together. Russell was literally gleeful, jumping and screeching (in the best of ways) and laughing with his Dad as they raced their marbles down the track. This fabulous father sat for a few minutes laughing and enjoying his son. He did not try to rush out the door and get onto his day.. he sat and played and sent a wonderful message to his son. He sent the message that he valued him through the time they took just to play.
I see all sorts of parents and styles of parenting. Each type of person and parent is different, but play is universal! Everyone can play! All kids love to play. Just watch them. Kids make up games out of almost anything. Yesterday I watched a group of children pick up pieces of old cement and play with it. They made a pretend campfire and invited me to roast marshmallows with them..they were fabulous I must say! The best marshmallows I ever had! :)
My point it this: Play is the way children learn. When we play with them, we demonstrate that what is important to them is important to us. We demonstrate value. Children learn to value what they see valued. Do you think you help them learn to value themselves if you play with them?? I say a resounding "YES"! By taking the time to play and enjoy and laugh with your children, you show them they are valued . When you show them they are valued they learn to value themselves.
How much better does it get than that? Isn't that the point of parenting? To raise and create a person who is strong and capable and able all on his own? Someone who values himself. Someone who knows that he has worth. Someone who feels valued. Someone who knows they matter. By doing that, we help create adults who can do anything, because they inherently know they are valuable. We helped them realize that because we took the time to value them. We took the time out of our busy day, because everyone is busy, just to play!
When you play with your kids you build a relationship with them. A relationship that is built on value and respect and trust, because you took time to do what your kids liked and what they needed. All children learn best through play...actually maybe all people do too!
So go ahead..Play! When you do, you send the message that your children are valued and valuable. A message that sets up a great foundation for a wonderful life long relationship with your children. A message of value, respect, trust and love.
As a matter of fact, I was doing just that this past weekend. Playing with my adult children and oh what fun we had!!
Until next time,
Pam
Friday, November 6, 2009
Editing...still a work in progress!
Hi all...as I read over the newer posts I see my editing is still a work in progress!
I'll keep working on it!
See you next week!
Pam
I'll keep working on it!
See you next week!
Pam
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Squeezing too hard..
Hello!
I have a question for you to begin today's blog..By squeezing too hard are we actually doing harm?
O.K. There's the question!
Last night I had the chance to be with a lovely bunch of woman who are well my juniors...( hard to swallow, but true)! They are a committed group of young mothers that I have the opportunity to be involved with on a professional level. This group of young woman send their children to a school I teach at.
As the evening and the meeting progressed, I began to think about being a good parent and what that involves. I guess, of course that the label "Good Parent" is subjective. Anyone can make their own judgement about what that label entails. Unlike DCFS, or the FDA, or the CDC...we do not have to comply with any set of rules predetermined by a governmental agency to be a parent.
I listened to these woman, all well educated and well intentioned, discuss their children and what kind of involvement they as parents have in their children's lives. I began to think that the concept of Do No Harm is a tricky one!! I was originally thinking of Do No Harm as the concept of neglect or abuse, but as I listened to these parents I wondered if Do No Harm can also mean something else.
These particular parents are uber involved with their children and the kinds of situations they choose to have their children participate in. As a qualifier, most of these parents have young children, ranging in age from 2-12. But, as I thought and listened to their concerns and their goals for their kids I was wondering if being too involved is equally as harmful as not being involved enough.
Yes, I know that this world is indeed a scary place, and I was probably guilty of some of the same behaviors as these young mothers. Yet, is it a good thing for our children if we as parents are wound too tight or are too worried or too careful? I think back to the times when my kids were young. It can be just as hard to let go of children appropriately as it is to care for them well. I have a card on my desk that says "Good Parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them". One of my now adult children, well, actually probably all 3 of them, tease me about this card, because I bought it for myself. At the times it was hard to let my children go, I would remind myself of this phrase. I may not, of course, always been successful at accomplishing this goal, but I was mindful of both responsibilities of parenting; loving well and letting go well. ( I think I was probably better at the loving well)!
So, I ask us to consider what is best for our children. Sometimes I know it is easier to do what is best for us. We do need to love our children well. We do need to care for them and protect them well. We do need to be mindful of the types of situations and groups and places that we allow our children to be in. BUT, and this may be the hard part, we also owe them the opportunity to be allowed out. Allowed out without us! Allowed to visit at a new friend's house, of course with the appropriate amount of parental supervision. Allowed to meet new people. Allowed to try new things. Allowed to go to new places. Allowed to explore and discover what excites them, not just what excites us or makes us, as parents feel comfortable.
That is the hard part. The balance between loving and letting go. Doing No Harm.
I suggest that Good Parents work hard to achieve that excellent balance. Balance loving well and letting go well. Become your own Maestro. Know how to hold onto your child, like the Maestro knows when and how to hold onto a note, and know how to let your child go, like the Maestro knows how and when to release the note for that perfect effect. Become the greatest conductor of your children's lives. Help your children find the balance they need to grow and become their own version of a perfect symphony!
Balance is key!
Until next time,
Pam
I have a question for you to begin today's blog..By squeezing too hard are we actually doing harm?
O.K. There's the question!
Last night I had the chance to be with a lovely bunch of woman who are well my juniors...( hard to swallow, but true)! They are a committed group of young mothers that I have the opportunity to be involved with on a professional level. This group of young woman send their children to a school I teach at.
As the evening and the meeting progressed, I began to think about being a good parent and what that involves. I guess, of course that the label "Good Parent" is subjective. Anyone can make their own judgement about what that label entails. Unlike DCFS, or the FDA, or the CDC...we do not have to comply with any set of rules predetermined by a governmental agency to be a parent.
I listened to these woman, all well educated and well intentioned, discuss their children and what kind of involvement they as parents have in their children's lives. I began to think that the concept of Do No Harm is a tricky one!! I was originally thinking of Do No Harm as the concept of neglect or abuse, but as I listened to these parents I wondered if Do No Harm can also mean something else.
These particular parents are uber involved with their children and the kinds of situations they choose to have their children participate in. As a qualifier, most of these parents have young children, ranging in age from 2-12. But, as I thought and listened to their concerns and their goals for their kids I was wondering if being too involved is equally as harmful as not being involved enough.
Yes, I know that this world is indeed a scary place, and I was probably guilty of some of the same behaviors as these young mothers. Yet, is it a good thing for our children if we as parents are wound too tight or are too worried or too careful? I think back to the times when my kids were young. It can be just as hard to let go of children appropriately as it is to care for them well. I have a card on my desk that says "Good Parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them". One of my now adult children, well, actually probably all 3 of them, tease me about this card, because I bought it for myself. At the times it was hard to let my children go, I would remind myself of this phrase. I may not, of course, always been successful at accomplishing this goal, but I was mindful of both responsibilities of parenting; loving well and letting go well. ( I think I was probably better at the loving well)!
So, I ask us to consider what is best for our children. Sometimes I know it is easier to do what is best for us. We do need to love our children well. We do need to care for them and protect them well. We do need to be mindful of the types of situations and groups and places that we allow our children to be in. BUT, and this may be the hard part, we also owe them the opportunity to be allowed out. Allowed out without us! Allowed to visit at a new friend's house, of course with the appropriate amount of parental supervision. Allowed to meet new people. Allowed to try new things. Allowed to go to new places. Allowed to explore and discover what excites them, not just what excites us or makes us, as parents feel comfortable.
That is the hard part. The balance between loving and letting go. Doing No Harm.
I suggest that Good Parents work hard to achieve that excellent balance. Balance loving well and letting go well. Become your own Maestro. Know how to hold onto your child, like the Maestro knows when and how to hold onto a note, and know how to let your child go, like the Maestro knows how and when to release the note for that perfect effect. Become the greatest conductor of your children's lives. Help your children find the balance they need to grow and become their own version of a perfect symphony!
Balance is key!
Until next time,
Pam
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