Hello all...
I am going to be traveling for the holidays...so I will look forward to writing more in 2010!
Wow, a new year. Have a wonderful holiday season.
Until next year!
Pam
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Reflections
Hello!
A new day to post, Thursday, which is a reflection of how crazy busy this time of year gets!
As I was thinking what to write about this week I had a whole bunch of ideas running around in this head of mine, and thought I would try to incorporate some of them into a coherent piece...let's see if I am successful at it!
The thing I have been thinking about the most is that children are a reflection of us. They learn what they live. I see that every day in the opportunity I have to observe lots of parents in action. I have my own petrie dish, so to speak, of human behaviors to watch and observe. I told my sister-in-law that at this time of year I was thinking that it would be wise to spray each of the kids with Lysol before they entered the room because of all the germs that are being thrown around, but truly, I am wondering if that would work to also eliminate parenting "viruses"! (just kidding about spraying kids with Lysol...although sometimes it really does seem like a good idea) parenting that is "ill advised" and needs help!
This year I have a wide variety of parenting styles to observe. My co teacher and I remark that every couple of years we have an interesting mix of kids and parents, and this is one of those years. I have some parents who really seem to get it, the right balance of hands on and hands off. I also have some parents, well actually one that is way too hands on, in my opinion, and a few that are in between. It is such an art to find that right balance of parenting. I am sure that all the people I get to observe really love their children. I wonder, though, what makes some parents more effective than others. I was thinking out loud about this as my director and I were talking and she validated what I was thinking. That kids are a reflection of their parents. It is true, at least from what I am observing this year. Each of my group of "little individuals" does reflect what I see in their parents. One little guy's Dad is very balanced and measured in his approach, and thus so is his son. One little girl's Mom is helping her become more independent and is teaching her how to take care of her own clothing, and I am watching this little girl go around and try to teach the other kids how to do new things. One little girl's Mom is a bit too involved and I watch her daughter look to others to get validation and help her make decisions throughout the day. She seems to need extra reassurance that she is capable on her own. Lastly, one little guy's Mom isn't sure at all about what to do with him, and thus he seems to be often out of control in his own behavior. So.. I say to myself, self what does this say about children and parents? I think it says that all parents need to mindful of what they do and say and who they are themselves. I do not believe that any of us need to be or are perfect people or parents. I do think that parents need to constantly check themselves and change and evolve with each stage of parenting. I think some parents probably obsess too much about parenting and some don't think about how to do a good job enough. It is exhausting this whole parenting thing, but also so very lovely and rewarding. I ask each of us who is a parent to think again about the type of messages we want to send to our kids. What do you want to say and do each day that tells your kids what you think about them and what you think about yourself? Think..I guess that is the key word. Think well and wisely about what you want to demonstrate to your kids and the examples that you set. Try, I would ask to be the best possible person you can be, and I think that will teach your children well.
In summary, try to do and be an example of someone your kids can be proud of, someone they can learn well from, someone they will be proud to call Mom or Dad.
Who knows, you could get the wonderful opportunity to be asked to be the guest cohost on your own child's radio show!
Until next time,
Pam
A new day to post, Thursday, which is a reflection of how crazy busy this time of year gets!
As I was thinking what to write about this week I had a whole bunch of ideas running around in this head of mine, and thought I would try to incorporate some of them into a coherent piece...let's see if I am successful at it!
The thing I have been thinking about the most is that children are a reflection of us. They learn what they live. I see that every day in the opportunity I have to observe lots of parents in action. I have my own petrie dish, so to speak, of human behaviors to watch and observe. I told my sister-in-law that at this time of year I was thinking that it would be wise to spray each of the kids with Lysol before they entered the room because of all the germs that are being thrown around, but truly, I am wondering if that would work to also eliminate parenting "viruses"! (just kidding about spraying kids with Lysol...although sometimes it really does seem like a good idea) parenting that is "ill advised" and needs help!
This year I have a wide variety of parenting styles to observe. My co teacher and I remark that every couple of years we have an interesting mix of kids and parents, and this is one of those years. I have some parents who really seem to get it, the right balance of hands on and hands off. I also have some parents, well actually one that is way too hands on, in my opinion, and a few that are in between. It is such an art to find that right balance of parenting. I am sure that all the people I get to observe really love their children. I wonder, though, what makes some parents more effective than others. I was thinking out loud about this as my director and I were talking and she validated what I was thinking. That kids are a reflection of their parents. It is true, at least from what I am observing this year. Each of my group of "little individuals" does reflect what I see in their parents. One little guy's Dad is very balanced and measured in his approach, and thus so is his son. One little girl's Mom is helping her become more independent and is teaching her how to take care of her own clothing, and I am watching this little girl go around and try to teach the other kids how to do new things. One little girl's Mom is a bit too involved and I watch her daughter look to others to get validation and help her make decisions throughout the day. She seems to need extra reassurance that she is capable on her own. Lastly, one little guy's Mom isn't sure at all about what to do with him, and thus he seems to be often out of control in his own behavior. So.. I say to myself, self what does this say about children and parents? I think it says that all parents need to mindful of what they do and say and who they are themselves. I do not believe that any of us need to be or are perfect people or parents. I do think that parents need to constantly check themselves and change and evolve with each stage of parenting. I think some parents probably obsess too much about parenting and some don't think about how to do a good job enough. It is exhausting this whole parenting thing, but also so very lovely and rewarding. I ask each of us who is a parent to think again about the type of messages we want to send to our kids. What do you want to say and do each day that tells your kids what you think about them and what you think about yourself? Think..I guess that is the key word. Think well and wisely about what you want to demonstrate to your kids and the examples that you set. Try, I would ask to be the best possible person you can be, and I think that will teach your children well.
In summary, try to do and be an example of someone your kids can be proud of, someone they can learn well from, someone they will be proud to call Mom or Dad.
Who knows, you could get the wonderful opportunity to be asked to be the guest cohost on your own child's radio show!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Unconditional love
Hi....
This week I had the sobering experience of attending a funeral for a young man. A friend of mine lost her son, he was just 23 years old.
As I sat at the service I thought about children and parents and the complicated relationship between these two groups. All the adults, the people in my peer group, were devastated for this family who were grieving the loss of such a young life. Perhaps thinking about each of their own children with an even greater intensity and love. I know that I was.
I looked at all the young people in the church who were equally devastated by the loss of a friend, a reality that is so hard at any age to comprehend, but even more so when you are young. You don't' think about death as something that will touch you so soon, and it is hard to make sense of. A young person, who's whole life lay ahead of him.
All of this made me reflect.
I had the opportunity throughout the years, to have had a number of conversations with my friend as her son grew. We are not best friends, or perhaps even close friends, but as mothers we shared conversation about this lovely young man, and all that he dealt with in his life. My friend and I had shared challenges we encountered in raising our children, and about our attempts to help them each find their way. I know that this mother was deeply involved with her son and all that he needed. I know that she spent a great deal of time trying to help him find his way. I know that she agonized over the right things to do for him and how to help him. I know that even when it was hard, she always tried to do what she believed was best for her son. We often ran into each other in the grocery store, which proved to be our place to have in depth conversations about our children. It is here that she would share with me all that she was doing or trying, to help her son find his way. I know that the path for this young man was harder than it is for many. Through all the times we talked, my friend always spoke about her son with such love..love that was unconditional and accepting, and never ending.
At this time of year, having to witness this tragedy, it makes me want to ask each and every one of us that is a parent to take time, pause, throughout all the busyness and cherish your children. Cherish them for who they are, not for what you may want them to be. Cherish time with them,even if they are driving you a bit batty! Notice how wonderful and special each of them are and let them know that. Don't miss an opportunity to catch them doing things right! Hug and kiss them abundantly. Tell them you love them until they roll their eyes at you!
We never know what life will present. Children are a gift to us, a gift to be celebrated, cherished and loved. They are not ours to own. They are leant to us.
Love your children well. Love them unconditionally.
Until next time,
Pam
This week I had the sobering experience of attending a funeral for a young man. A friend of mine lost her son, he was just 23 years old.
As I sat at the service I thought about children and parents and the complicated relationship between these two groups. All the adults, the people in my peer group, were devastated for this family who were grieving the loss of such a young life. Perhaps thinking about each of their own children with an even greater intensity and love. I know that I was.
I looked at all the young people in the church who were equally devastated by the loss of a friend, a reality that is so hard at any age to comprehend, but even more so when you are young. You don't' think about death as something that will touch you so soon, and it is hard to make sense of. A young person, who's whole life lay ahead of him.
All of this made me reflect.
I had the opportunity throughout the years, to have had a number of conversations with my friend as her son grew. We are not best friends, or perhaps even close friends, but as mothers we shared conversation about this lovely young man, and all that he dealt with in his life. My friend and I had shared challenges we encountered in raising our children, and about our attempts to help them each find their way. I know that this mother was deeply involved with her son and all that he needed. I know that she spent a great deal of time trying to help him find his way. I know that she agonized over the right things to do for him and how to help him. I know that even when it was hard, she always tried to do what she believed was best for her son. We often ran into each other in the grocery store, which proved to be our place to have in depth conversations about our children. It is here that she would share with me all that she was doing or trying, to help her son find his way. I know that the path for this young man was harder than it is for many. Through all the times we talked, my friend always spoke about her son with such love..love that was unconditional and accepting, and never ending.
At this time of year, having to witness this tragedy, it makes me want to ask each and every one of us that is a parent to take time, pause, throughout all the busyness and cherish your children. Cherish them for who they are, not for what you may want them to be. Cherish time with them,even if they are driving you a bit batty! Notice how wonderful and special each of them are and let them know that. Don't miss an opportunity to catch them doing things right! Hug and kiss them abundantly. Tell them you love them until they roll their eyes at you!
We never know what life will present. Children are a gift to us, a gift to be celebrated, cherished and loved. They are not ours to own. They are leant to us.
Love your children well. Love them unconditionally.
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Mother's Know Best....or do they?
Hello!
This week I am thinking about mothers and the saying "Mother's Know Best." I have decided that maybe that is not always the case. Perhaps some mothers are more like Mommie Dearest, rather than Donna Reed or Mrs. Cleaver of the 50's and 60's sitcoms. Perhaps some mothers act more like "smotherers' than mothers.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to see one mother in action and hear a scary story of another older mother, that made me think of the title I selected for this week's post. I have to of course admit that no mother is perfect, myself included. I have shared this with my children who are now all adults and told them any problem that occurs in their life I accept is probably my fault, the fault of the mother (it always is in the movies ) and I accept that fact. I told them I tried to do the best job that I could and that I am perfectly fine with them talking about me with a good therapist! Seriously though, let me tell you what happened.
I work with young children and get the chance to see lots of parents. I have one young mother this year that troubles me. I do think she believes that she is behaving in the best interest of her daughter, but I wonder if she is. I also wonder if she can recognize what she is doing, and if her training as a social worker makes it harder to see what is happening. Each day she drops her daughter off at school and we go through the whole separation trauma. It begins with the mother asking her daughter if she wants to be at school, then asking her daughter if she is o.k., then walking her into school, then hanging around and asking her again if she is o.k. then finally, after at least 3-4 hugs, and more questions she leaves, at which point the daughter is usually upset until her mother walks out the door. After the mother finally leaves, the daughter is fine! Ah Ha ( I say to myself) Is the daughter upset about leaving her mother...OR is the mother upset about leaving her daughter? Is this mother through her behavior actually sending the message to her daughter that she wants to send, or is she sending the message to her daughter that she needs her mom to function well? I bet that is not what the mom wants. We all want to be loved and valued as parents, but by making our children overly reliant on us do we do them a disservice? Isn't the whole point of parenting to help our children become capable functioning adults in their own right?
Round two. I had lunch with a colleague of mine yesterday. I was talking with her about the situation I just described and wondered about how we as parents send the right message to our children. The message that we love them, that they are capable and that they can succeed on their own. She shared a story with me about a mother we both know that I had never heard before. This is an extreme example! This mother actually had a time table, a life plan she designed for her daughter! She had decided that her daughter needed to be married by 24 and pregnant with her first child by the time she was 27! YIKES!!! Even scarier than the plan itself, is that the daughter is actually living it! And, yes, by the way, this mother even helped pick out who her daughter's husband is!!
A recent "Times" magazine had the title "The Case against Over Parenting". I think both of these mothers fall into that category, one of course, much more extreme than the other, but by sending a message like the first mother did to our young children do we limit their ability to be able to think for themselves, to be able to trust their own judgement as they grow, to undermine their own abilities to problem solve or make decisions on their own because parents have made all of them for them or send the subtle message through what we do or did that we don't think they are capable? Is that what being a good parent is? Is that how you raise capable nonf*@ked up adults? NO NO NO!! Our job as parents is to help each and every child find their own way, fill up their own life buckets with good stuff, not squeeze too hard and let them go...as hard as that is.
So love your children well. Try really hard not to design a life plan for them! Let them know through what you do and what you say that they can figure things out on their own and that you believe in them.
Until next time!
Pam
This week I am thinking about mothers and the saying "Mother's Know Best." I have decided that maybe that is not always the case. Perhaps some mothers are more like Mommie Dearest, rather than Donna Reed or Mrs. Cleaver of the 50's and 60's sitcoms. Perhaps some mothers act more like "smotherers' than mothers.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to see one mother in action and hear a scary story of another older mother, that made me think of the title I selected for this week's post. I have to of course admit that no mother is perfect, myself included. I have shared this with my children who are now all adults and told them any problem that occurs in their life I accept is probably my fault, the fault of the mother (it always is in the movies ) and I accept that fact. I told them I tried to do the best job that I could and that I am perfectly fine with them talking about me with a good therapist! Seriously though, let me tell you what happened.
I work with young children and get the chance to see lots of parents. I have one young mother this year that troubles me. I do think she believes that she is behaving in the best interest of her daughter, but I wonder if she is. I also wonder if she can recognize what she is doing, and if her training as a social worker makes it harder to see what is happening. Each day she drops her daughter off at school and we go through the whole separation trauma. It begins with the mother asking her daughter if she wants to be at school, then asking her daughter if she is o.k., then walking her into school, then hanging around and asking her again if she is o.k. then finally, after at least 3-4 hugs, and more questions she leaves, at which point the daughter is usually upset until her mother walks out the door. After the mother finally leaves, the daughter is fine! Ah Ha ( I say to myself) Is the daughter upset about leaving her mother...OR is the mother upset about leaving her daughter? Is this mother through her behavior actually sending the message to her daughter that she wants to send, or is she sending the message to her daughter that she needs her mom to function well? I bet that is not what the mom wants. We all want to be loved and valued as parents, but by making our children overly reliant on us do we do them a disservice? Isn't the whole point of parenting to help our children become capable functioning adults in their own right?
Round two. I had lunch with a colleague of mine yesterday. I was talking with her about the situation I just described and wondered about how we as parents send the right message to our children. The message that we love them, that they are capable and that they can succeed on their own. She shared a story with me about a mother we both know that I had never heard before. This is an extreme example! This mother actually had a time table, a life plan she designed for her daughter! She had decided that her daughter needed to be married by 24 and pregnant with her first child by the time she was 27! YIKES!!! Even scarier than the plan itself, is that the daughter is actually living it! And, yes, by the way, this mother even helped pick out who her daughter's husband is!!
A recent "Times" magazine had the title "The Case against Over Parenting". I think both of these mothers fall into that category, one of course, much more extreme than the other, but by sending a message like the first mother did to our young children do we limit their ability to be able to think for themselves, to be able to trust their own judgement as they grow, to undermine their own abilities to problem solve or make decisions on their own because parents have made all of them for them or send the subtle message through what we do or did that we don't think they are capable? Is that what being a good parent is? Is that how you raise capable nonf*@ked up adults? NO NO NO!! Our job as parents is to help each and every child find their own way, fill up their own life buckets with good stuff, not squeeze too hard and let them go...as hard as that is.
So love your children well. Try really hard not to design a life plan for them! Let them know through what you do and what you say that they can figure things out on their own and that you believe in them.
Until next time!
Pam
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