Hello...
Well...yes, it has been while since I wrote anything..
Life and it's stuff...you know we all go through stuff. I know that sounds random and maybe even a bit goofy, but it is a very true statement.
I used to think that as we got older life would sort of even out, it would be more calm, and more predictable...HA! What a ruse that was. Don't get me wrong here, I am not using this forum to complain or do any kind of "baby whiner" stuff here...just saying. Life...it is full...full of a lot of "stuff".
To illustrate my point. I was honored yesterday by a lovely group of women who took it upon themselves to throw a retirement party and celebration for myself, and my teaching partner. We have both chosen to step out of that role, and move onto another adventure in life. I had a lovely time, it was so kind and thoughtful of this group of younger women to do this for me. However, (remember I am going to try hard and not use the word but....) it was also sort of an out of body experience. Here I am, at a new point in life, yes I am happy with my decision, but the very word "retirement" makes me think WHAT??? Not that I have not given this a lot of thought, I have, but it is quite crazy to me that I am already at that point in my life. I am of course going to sound so cliche here, but oh well, when I say that I can hardly believe that I am ready and at that stage and age ....already...
So, what does this mean? I truly do not know. I have some vague idea of what I think I would like to do next, and how I would like to have this next phase in life evolve. I would even like to think that I am brave enough to say that I have it all figured out, but alas, that would be a big fat lie. There we have it, back to the title...Life and stuff.
I have been lucky enough to have reached this point in life, and have hopefully tried to live it well, with meaning and integrity and purpose. However, ( see I am sticking to my rule) I may be deluding myself. Who knows if that is truly the case? I hope it is, I would like to think it is. I do know that one of my greatest qualities, and maybe also biggest flaws, is that I truly do think a lot! I like to ponder and assess and evaluate and then decide. Sometimes it makes my head hurt. This gets in to the true crux of "Life and Stuff".
We all set out with a plan I think. An idea in our heads of what our life will be, and of course how we want it to evolve. I am truly blessed. My life so far, is quite lovely. Of course there have been less than stellar times along the way, and that is the "stuff" that happens. I also think that as my husband and I raised our kids, we were pretty blessed with the quality and type of relationship we had with our kids. Of course, we put a lot of time and energy into it. I know that at times I would even say I was a bit obsessive about trying hard to provide the exact quality parenting that would make my children have the type and kind of life I felt they deserved.....AND there we have more "stuff".
In the last few weeks I have had conversations with all three of my adult kids, well actually I talk with them quite a lot. Now this may surprise you, but I do not get to be in charge of ANYTHING that happens in their lives. That is a fact and also part of the
"stuff" in life. I had a delusion that if my husband and I did our job well, our kids lives would be perfect. Of course I am kidding when I say that, but one can hope, right? I actually have to admit that at times I even felt quite smug that I knew we were doing so many things right in our parenting, that our kids would be spared the big hurts of life. And...all of you smart people out there, know how wrong and misguided that thought was. Maybe I needed to think that because I really know that it does matter how much time and effort you put into guiding and helping your kids grow. Here it is though, more "stuff". Unfortunately, that is not how life works.
I do know that the longer I am around, I do feel like I am gaining wisdom. I do know that the phrase "this too shall pass" is true, but it actually does suck, (bad word) when you are in the middle of waiting for some thing to pass. I have had that experience myself in the last 6 weeks...a health thing, as of course many of us do throughout life, and yes it has passed and I am grateful.. Now onto my kids...
When your kids are hurting, or going through a time of challenge and growth, I do not care how old they are, you want to help fix it. The part that is hard, is that I can't do that. As much as I would like to, I can not solve or fix or change the situations in my kids lives that are hard, and cause them pain. I can add a measure of aid and wisdom I hope, but somehow that seems trivial...
When our kids are little, we can usually be their champion, their hero, their problem solver. When they are adults, we can not. I would like to say it is enough to provide good council, but honestly, for me it isn't. Just saying.... I would still like to be able to solve their hurts, and their worries, and the parts of their lives that are harder. Yet, I guess that "stuff" of life is theirs, and ultimately my ability to solve the problem would diminish their own self discovery. Yes, more "stuff". Each of us has the right and the challenge, and ultimately the joy of learning and growing and evolving on our own. I actually hate that part sometimes. No matter what I would like to think, that is how "life and stuff" works.
So, as I sit here at 11:21 at night in my p.j.s thinking about all this. I admit it. I do not know all the answers. I do not have the ability to see through a crystal ball and know what will happen and how all of "life and stuff" will turn out. I do know though that if I wait long enough, life will show the way. That is just how it is. I don't know if I will ever be able to completely give up the idea that I can affect change and outcomes though, somehow that would just seem wrong. As a Mom, I have to at least think I can help....right?
Until next time,
Pam
