Oh Come On!

Hello!

So..there have been some ideas percolating around in this head of mine. My first thoughts about writing this blog began about a month ago when I was sitting in my chiropractors office( because yes, I am of that certain age where I am attempting to keep everything working well) and picked up the Time magazine that was next to me on one of the office tables. It caught my attention because there was a young beautiful, very pregnant, naked woman on the cover. The cover was of course, tastefully done, she was covering all the sensitive areas, but she was also in great shape! (Hmm...I wonder how she will look AFTER the baby:) ) The picture of course, is why I picked up the magazine because it attracted my attention, but looking further, the article it introduced was what then caused me to ruminate....

The article accompanying this photo, was theorizing that what our children become, starts at the very beginning of their lives, as early as their first days in the womb. I was intrigued, and read on. As I was reading, my mouth began to open, which of course is not an attractive pose to continue for any length of time. Reading on, the article began to lay out the idea that all that our children will be and can become begins much earlier than previously thought. I was fascinated and appalled, and then depressed.

All of us mothers can attest to the fact that we think a lot about our kids. We think about what they need, and how to help them, and how to make them happy and how to make sure they are growing fine and well. Mothers think about how to help their kids do well in school and have friends and how to navigate the world in general. This article made me feel mother guilt on steroids! If I am to believe this article, what I did, yes me, not their Dad, did from the moment they began to evolve inside my womb has affected who and what they are. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It was way too early for wine when I read this.

I have enough guilt about anything that has happened in their lives! I know that from the time I realized I was pregnant I truly did my best to take good care of myself, because of course now I was taking care of two people. One of us had a choice, the other one was just along for the ride. But, come on! I don't want to know that every single thing I did, or thought or did not do or did not think, made a difference that far back! I made all the conscious decisions I could to do the right thing for my unborn child. I don't want to know that anything I did even before I knew I was pregnant contributed to the type of person my kids ultimately became. I have enough mother guilt already. I do not need more!

Then, my daughter, Megan went to a seminar this past month. She brought home a book for me. I appreciated her gift, she thought this book would be interesting and provide some research for me as I look to write each of my blogs. Well, it did just that. The title of the book is "I Just Want My Kids to be Happy". Then, the subtitles say " Why You Shouldn't Say It", "Why You Shouldn't Think It", and last "What You Should Embrace Instead". Well, I couldn't get past the first title and two subtitles to even think about what to embrace instead. I have spent countless hours thinking about what to do, and what to provide to help my children find the happiness that is important to them in their lives. I have spoke about that in this format, I have even advocated that sometimes we, as parents, need to put aside what we may want for the good and ultimate happiness of our children. Now, I have a whole book suggesting something else! Yikes!!

My husband and I listened to some radio program where the commentators where talking about how each Sunday they call their kids, and by the end of the day, they are only as happy as their least happy child. Bill, my husband, and I embrace that thought! We continually comment on how we are good if our kids are good! Now, of course, we realize that that is not the only defining factor in the quality of our lives, but it is a big one! Just last night my husband had received some great news about an extremely important initiative at his company, and he was truly excited and quite happy. Yet, as we talked, he told me as good as that news was, the news he got from our son, and our youngest daughter was even. better. They had each had a conversation with their Dad about what was going on in their lives and how excited they were, and that they were truly feeling good about the direction their lives were going. They were in fact, happy. He smiled and said that news mattered most!

In ruminating over all this stuff, and thinking about what really matters, cause as you know, that is what I try hard to think about and put words to in this venue, I am going to say that helping your kids find their lives and what makes them happy, is valid and necessary to help them become who they need to be and are suppose to become. If, in doing that, I have focused too hard on trying to help them find that, and focused too hard on what I think they might need, so be it! I truly believe that our most important job as a parent is to help our kids become the best version of themselves they can be. I have to think that involves happiness.

Having said all that, I am not going to waste a minute thinking about that Time article and all that I did not know about when I was pregnant! I did the best I could taking care of myself so that my kids would arrive healthy. I have enough mother guilt without adding those extra few months in, where I had no idea what I was doing or how to be a parent. That did not start until the baby showed up! And, as for focusing my mom energy on helping my kids be happy and find their way to the happiness that works for them, sue me! Dr. Aaron Cooper, author of the above mentioned book, I know that you have thought a lot about what you wanted to say in your book, and you probably have valid points. However, I am going for the happiness factor, I feel good when my kids are happy! I like to think that I may even have had a hand in helping them figure that out!


No mother guilt for me here. Come on, we do that to ourselves enough! Celebrate when your kids are happy! I am pretty darn sure that you good parents have worked hard to help them get there!

I know last night I felt a whole bunch of satisfaction knowing that my grownup kids were doing well. For that, I am happy. Forget about feeling badly if you help your kids feel happy! They have enough to make them feel badly, if we help them find their way to happiness, good for us!

I will feel guilty again I am sure. It comes with Motherhood. Today, however, I am not going there, no matter what anybody writes or suggests!

Until next time,

Pam

Uh Oh!!!

Hello!

So today is Monday November 8th, 2010, and I am having to think about living the advice that I give!

My youngest daughter was home this weekend. It was so lovely to have her here! I got to do the Mom thing and enjoy her company and listen to what is on her mind, and share ideas with her about the conference she attended this week about education, and how to be an even better teacher. It was great!!! I got to make her a lovely dinner (well I think it was lovely) and make her her favorite breakfast Sunday morning. We took a lovely long walk. My husband and I got to converse with her about all that she has done these last few weeks, all that she has learned, and even play with her great dog, Gus. And.....then she left! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

There you have it! My conundrum! I talk all the time on this blog about doing what is necessary and important to create fully functioning adults. People, people who are competent and able. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I believe is important to kids in the process of parenting. I think about what makes good and successful people. I hope that people listen to what I am saying, or appreciate what I am writing and sharing. Now, I have to admit, that even though I think we have done all that with our grown up kids.....I MISS THEM!

Plain and simple if you do your job right and well your kids leave! They are suppose to leave, but in the reality of that, and the exhaustion that can accompany all that you do to make that happen, you actually have to let them go. That is where I have realized that in all reality I am a weeny!!!! I tell you what is necessary to help kids grow well, what type of time and energy is important for parents to invest in their kids. I comment on filling up their buckets, loving them well, providing a good example and cherishing them for who they are and who they need to become, not for what we may want them to be. All of that is great! However, in the process of doing all that hopefully well, you do accomplish the goal of creating fully independent functioning adults. Yes, no one is perfect, that would be boring. We don't want to create perfect people, as that is actually an oxymoron!! I just know that today, Monday November 8th, my pretty fully functioning kids are now all off doing their own thing! Yay to me and my husband, I guess, ...but, crap! Now they all actually live in other cities and have that thing called "their own life."

So, why am I whining in this blog-o-sphere? I am whining because I realize that I am human too. Somewhere in the process of having these children and loving these children and guiding these children, I fell in love with each and every one of them. Actually, I think you fall in love with your children as soon as they are born, and that just reinforces itself with time and sweat equity! So, what do you do with that once they are gone????????

I read an article recently about Julie Bowen, the actress on Modern Family, which is in my opinion, a hilarious show and fun commentary on what makes family. She said that while she was pregnant with her twins, one of her doctors told her to give her children 75% of herself, and save the other 25% for herself and her life. I think that is actually a brilliant idea! Now that I am sitting here confessing that I miss my grown up kids. Of course, in the process of parenting and raising this family, I have tried to be a good example and done other things than be a Mom. I am a woman, a wife, an educator, a part time counselor , a daughter, and hopefully a good friend to many, and now attempting to become a writer...hmmm. I think that I am trying to evolve. Maybe that is why I am even writing this piece today, an attempt to evolve..admit my own short comings, tell all of you that I do not know it all! Yikes!

So, what do I do from here? I thought about that this morning before I came over to Starbucks to write. I am taking advantage of their free wi-fi and not sitting in my house. Our house has way too many pictures of my kids for me not to feel that I want to pick up the phone and do that obsessive compulsive thing I have been known to do ....call them until they pick up! I am here, writing, thinking, trying to say something useful and maybe even helpful to other parents out there. Last night I was at a an event for a local charity and was heartened by comments from parents that were there also, of kids I had in my class over the years. It felt good to hear them say that what I had done mattered, and that a few even take the time to read this blog...thanks!

The mature grown up part of me is trying to balance out the weeny part of me. Maybe that is not actually fair, or even right. Maybe the weeny part of all good moms and dads is that extra "It" factor that makes us good parents. Maybe it is the emotional part of us that allows us to give all that is necessary to create excellent adults. Maybe that is the part that lets a good mom stay home from a fun vacation offer because her son cried when she mentioned that if she went, she would be missing his concert at school, and yes there will be other concerts, but he cried...THAT matters! So this mom, in my opinion, is doing the right thing and embracing her inner weeny and staying home..there will be other vacations, but this is his only 8 year old concert. I applaud her decision!

Maybe that is the point of all my ramblings today. Maybe the point I am making is that when you fall in love with your kids, which I hope all parents do, is that you know your full time job has an expiration date on it, and that you embrace that! Do all that is necessary to create great adults, love them completely and without exception. Then, go one extra step, and show then also how to be a great adult example through what you do. Be whole and human and real and keep evolving yourself. The process of parenting becomes part time as our kids become adults, but is always full time in your hearts. That's a given. But, acknowledging that, keep growing and evolving yourself. Our kids learn volumes from that too!

O.K!!! That is what I am trying to do today! Evolve. Maybe if I sit here long enough a publisher will magically swoop in and ask me what I am writing about and love it! Who knows? It could happen.... :)


Until, next time

Pam

Your worst nightmare

Hello,


This is a sobering piece for me to attempt to write today. Yesterday my Husband and I attended a wake for a very young person. A young man who died tragically, unexpectedly and altogether way too young. He was in college, loving life, thinking of all the possibilities out there for him, and now he is gone.

I know many of you will have seen the story on the news about the young man who died while taping the Notre Dame football practice, he is this young man.

I did not have the privilege of knowing this young man. We did, however, know his father when we were not much younger than this young man was. My husband knew his father well while he was in grade school and high school, and I got to meet him as the girlfriend of the friend. Much time has passed since then, people don't see each other much, but the connection alone, was reason enough to go pay our respects. We have children near the same age, and our hearts are breaking for this family.

We arrived at the funeral home and waited for 3 hours to pay our respects to his parents. After we did, there were still people waiting in line, probably for another 3 hours,such was the enormous outpouring of support from people who were and are somehow connected to this family. A family that now has changed.

As my husband and I drove back home, we were quiet at first, and then sighed. What a terrible waste. Although we could attempt to imagine the horrific pain that family is in, I am sure we have no idea what is actually going on. We took that moment to call each of our children and tell them how much we love them. How much they matter to us.

I spend a lot of time on this blog writing about what I think matters most in the process of being a good parent. I am truly passionate about parenting and all that makes someone a good parent. I think about what I want to say. I hope to try and make a difference in people's minds as they make the choices and decisions involved with raising children. Today, I am going to say what truly matters most of all.....LOVE!

We spend time thinking about all the nuances of daily family life. The shopping, the cooking, the laundry, the running around, the balancing of career and family, the money we spend and make, yet I would bet my whole life on the fact that today, November 1st 2010, the family that just lost their son, doesn't care one bit about any of that stuff.

What matters is that we take the time to love. To let our children always know they are loved. To make the phone call to someone away at college, to hug your child who is close, to spend some extra time at dinner telling your kids what special people they are, and that you love them more than you can find words to express.

Love, that is all that matters. Not accomplishments, not grades, not sports, not popularity; nothing except love.


Love your children, and never ever pass up a chance to tell them that.
Go find your kids, big and small, and love them.


Until next time,

Pam

Mean Girls, Mean Boys, Mean People.

Hello!

This week's blog will be a bit different.

In the past two weeks or so, I have been appalled at the number of horrific stories both on TV and in print about bullying. Bullying to the max, bullying to the point of death. Death to a number of young people who have decided that rather than continue on with their very young lives, that the only way to feel better is to commit suicide! Wow! How very sad. What caused them to feel this way? How did they get to that point?

My research began when I heard a story on TV about a high school in Ohio that has had an alarming increase in the number of teen suicides caused by bullying of young people who were deemed different, ridiculed and ostracized by their classmates. Two of the young people were gay, one was handicapped and one was new to the school and the country, from Europe. After that, I read and heard the horrific story of a young gay man at Rutgers University who's roommate webcammed him while he was with another man and published the photos all over the school and the internet. The young man jumped off the George Washington Bridge, so traumatized was he by the insensitivity of what his roommate chose to do. Lastly, my friend Erika, gave me an article that was in the October 10th New York Times titled "The Playground Gets Even Tougher." The article is a commentary on how young children are beginning to experience bullying and taunting and meanness that usually wouldn't begin until adolescence.

O.K. ...here goes. I am appalled at this information! I realize that to a certain percent, growing up involves the often painful process of navigating childhood and adolescence. Kids can be quite mean. I know that. I also know that parents can not be with their children 24/7. I know that as children grow they will have to meet and solve the challenges that present. I know that adults are not always able to know what their children are up to. I know that all children have a mind of their own, BUT I would argue that one of the main things children absorb as they are growing up, is the behavior they see exhibited around them from the people who are most influential in their development...ie..parents.

It is truly challenging in this day and age I would think to raise your children. From all the things kids are exposed to on TV, reality shows, prime time soap operas, even Hannah Montana, magazines, newspaper photos, and the internet it has to be hard to keep a handle on what kids are seeing and what they are able to have access to. However, kids still are kids and the biggest influence in their lives, no matter what, is the parents that raise them. Moms and Dads, you are responsible for the behavior your kids demonstrate. You are their primary source of information on how the world works and what should be done in it.

In the article titled "The Playground Gets Even Tougher" a number of the people from psychologists, to teachers, to associate principals point to the behavior of the parents of the kids who are the "mean girls" the kids who are treating others poorly. It seems that the kids doing the bullying, the ostracizing, the terrorizing of others learn this behavior from the people who are suppose to be teaching them the proper rules of social conduct. Their parents. The article talks about mothers who are proud that their daughters are the popular ones and are complicit in the process of demeaning and mistreating girls who are not part of the " in group". Why is this? Is it possible that these parents didn't get what they needed when they were growing up? Did they learn to feel better about themselves by putting others down? Is that what they learned? I bet it is.

Being a good parent is hard. It is the hardest job on earth to do well. I know that all good parents love their children and want them to do well in life, to be able to have friends, succeed in school and become competent adults. To that end, come on parents!! Do the right thing. Give your kids the right examples of how to live and how to behave. Show them how to be kind, how to be accepting of others. Demonstrate tolerance, demonstrate acceptance. Be the kind of parent that is a good role model. Help your kids learn how to become kind, loving people through your words and actions every day. Give your children what they need so that they will be able to resist becoming part of this growing problem of bullying and meanness. I think that if we as parents take the time to care for each of our children well, fill up their buckets with good stuff, like love and time, they won't need to undermine or bully others. Even take the time to do the unfun stuff of correcting bad behavior. Joan Cusack had a funny line in a movie I like called, "Raising Helen", where she disciplines a young teenager, yet tells him he isn't a bad person he is just behaving very badly! Do all that, even the hard stuff, and kids will be confident enough in themselves to accept different, to be tolerant, to befriend others because they know who they are. They will have had parents who have taught them well. Parents who have given them the ability to love themselves enough so that they don't need to undermine others in order to feel good.

Doing the right thing is often not the easy thing...but come on Good Parents!!! Hang in there, do the right thing, teach your children well. Before you know it they will be all grown up! Hang in there, so when they are, you can pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Who knows...if you do that, you might even have the pleasure of your grown up children asking you how you did it! Now, that's worth it!

Until next time,

Pam

Football and parenting?

Hello!

I am back sooner this time. My motivation comes again from my daughter and her words of wisdom sent back to me yesterday during our afternoon phone conversation. Actually, her words of wisdom were directed to me through her father as they were chatting and in good fun, teasing me. I have become a quasi crazy Texas Longhorns football fan. I like basketball also, but to the amusement of most of my family, I am truly a committed Longhorn football fan. I would guess that even my son, who actually went to The University of Texas, and is a texas graduate, is amused by the level of fan-hood I have achieved!
My husband actually says he believes I would run off with Mack Brown, Texas' head football coach, if the opportunity presented itself. Not true, but entertaining.

Thus, it is time for my story. On Saturday the Texas Longhorns lost their second game of the season. That is not good! I have been conditioned over the past 4 year when my son attended UT, to expect them to win, and win well every time, even in close hard games. Well, this year it seems, is not going to be like that. In Sports terms, this is a "rebuilding year." So, why am I even talking about all of this???? What does this even have to do with the concept of parents and parenting??? Here is the connection. As my daughter, Megan, and I were talking I was lamenting, well actually whining about the state of this year's Longhorn football team and it's struggles. Megan, through her father, asked him to remind me of this, "Mom, cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." AH HA! She used one of my own lines back on me. Now, of course the Texas Longhorn football players are not my children, but, to me the crazed fan, I laughed! Of course perspective is always necessary!

So I started thinking. When you love something, or someone, it is hard to accept struggles and struggling. You want to fix it you want to offer advice you want to provide solutions. Thus my Texas Longhorns and parenting. A lesson again to think about. As we become parents and experience all that happens because of it, we although most often well intentioned, may loose sight of what is the end goal in this whole parenting and being a parent thing. Along the way it can be easy to get lost in the ideas, dreams, and goals we have for our kids. These well meaning and well intentioned thoughts, can actually become a problem in the process if we forget what the whole goal is. I think one of the most important goals of good parenting is to of course, "Cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." (As Megan well reminded me of ... in my love for the Longhorns!)

The ability to take yourself out of the design process of parenting is hard, but necessary in order to help your children become who they are suppose to be and who I truly believe, they are meant to be. In the process of bringing home baby, raising toddlers, moving onto elementary school, junior high, high school, college and beyond, it is the fully formed parent that can remove themselves from the identity of their children. I, honestly, keep working on that! It is of course fabulous and wonderful when your kids do well, and become accomplished adults. We want to congratulate ourselves and be proud of who are children have become! I think all of that is right, and good, and even justified, but...always remember that our ultimate job as parents is to provide the right type of environment and setting that encourages and embraces what is important and fulfilling to our children. Children, although always part of us, are not meant to be created in our image. Good parents need to always be thinking about what their kids need in order to become the best example of themselves. It is the wise and intelligent parent who can continue to evolve and adjust through each stage of their child's development. The parent who can see what is needed at each stage, and sometimes even find the right resource to help them do that. I have said in the past that I have a wise psychologist that I have the pleasure of consulting in my own path of evolving as a parent. Her advice is the same for every stage of parenting. Know your children, see what is needed, adjust and evolve accordingly!

Well, there you have it. My words of my perceived wisdom this week! A lesson to myself via my daughter. Remember to always cherish your children for who they are, not for what you want them to be. Loving someone unconditionally requires that. I guess that may even have to apply to my loved, yet struggling Texas Longhons!!

Until next time!

Pam

Driven+Neurotic=Success!

Hello!!


During the past few weeks I have been traveling and goofing off! Now, it is time to get back down to the business of writing blogs..well, we will see how that goes!

I owe the title of today's blog to my husband. The concept originated from an incident with one of my daughters, who is of course a grown up. We had been talking on the phone when she had to go take another call. She was driving home from work and said she would call me back in few minutes. Well...she did not, AND that precipitated a variety of neurotic behaviors from me! I will tell you the tale.

The evening of this event, my husband and I had decided to enjoy a nice dinner at home, maybe even share a bottle of wine, and relax...well that is not exactly how our evening evolved. After not hearing from Megan, my daughter, I proceeded to see if I could contact her, figuring she just forgotten to call or maybe lost track of time, or maybe got busy doing something else. I began the process innocently enough, and with clear thought, but, as time passed and I could not get ahold of her, my mom mind began doing its tricks...you see I think mom minds can be quite challenging to live in! My husband, god bless him, has lived with me a long time...31 years to be exact, and so I could see him begin to sigh because he knew what was about to happen. I started with one phone call and a message that was intelligent and loving...then another call, still no answer. I tried hard to go on about my business of making dinner and enjoying a nice evening, I truly did, but then tried reaching Megan again, and still no luck. By this time a few hours had passed and I was beginning to be less sane. I thought rationally about all the reasons why Meg had not called...I really did. But, and here is the part that starts to create a whole landscape of it's own, my mom mind started to also envision all the other possibilities of why I could not reach Megan and the what "may" have happened events. So, most of you Moms out there will understand it when I say the night was beginning to unravel. No relaxed nice dinner now!

After I abandoned the idea that my husband and I would actually continue to create this lovely meal, well actually my husband kept trying, but am sure he was sadly realizing that I was out of reach for dinner completion until I could accomplish my mom goal of talking to my daughter! I was now in full problem solving, mom detective mode. I left her a whole bunch of phone messages, I texted and of course emailed...to no avail! I was starting to rethink my approach (DA!) and thought maybe I just had to wait and hope for the best...but did try one last thing...gmail...and VOILA! Megan was online. She of course saw that I was emailing and said "UH OH"...she having lived with me as her mother for 27 years knew what was happening, and what in all likelihood had occurred before we talked. She said online.."Oh hi Mom!...so sorry I just realized I didn't get back to you...I will call you in a minute." Well, she did call me in a minute, and of course saw that she had 12 missed calls in the last few hours while her phone was on silent because she forgot to turn the ringer on. She really did not have to look to see who the 12 missed calls were from. My husband of course was overjoyed when she and I began conversing because now he knew he would get to have what was left of a nice evening and I might even complete the lovely meal we had begun making. Megan and I had a wonderful chat that opened with her saying.." Oops, sorry Mom..did your mom mind kick in?"...again..DA..."OF COURSE IT DID!" We laughed and thankfully all was right with the world that is most important to me...my family.

Yes, I know this story is goofy and some of you may read this and say I need great psychological help. I will tell you that I already got that! I am driven most likely to a fault when it comes to my children, who no matter how old they are, are still my children. And..yes, they are all grown up and all able to take care of themselves extremely well. The bottom line though, is that when you are a parent that unnatural neurotic worry just comes with the job! I did not ask for it, I don't even want it, but it just is!

When you become a parent something happens to you. You realize that now someone else is counting on you...someone else needs you. I would hope that for most of us when we become parents we are able to make that last big step to adulthood. The step that asks us to do the right things for our kids, to try our best to love well, care for well, and teach them well. To be present and available, to demonstrate how much we love them and how very valuable they are to us throughout their lives. I continue to think that if parents take the time to try their best to consistently show their children just how valued they are, that our kids will be able to go out and conquer their own worlds. Their worlds where they move, for example, to another state, take a new job and commit to making a difference in kids lives by being a quality teacher of the best type! And, hopefully haven been given all that, they even have enough to survive 12 missed phone calls, because that just continues to demonstrate how very much they are loved!

Until next time,

Pam

TIME

Hello All!


Time...what an interesting concept. I have been thinking a lot about this idea in the last week or two. Since I sat down last to write, a bit of time has passed. What do we do with our time? How do we spend it? Does it make a difference what we do with it and how we choose to spend it or use it? Does it cause a change in outcome if we spend our time one way or another? I think it does.

As parents how we spend our time matters. I would like to propose that how we spend our time makes a big difference in the type of lives we give to our children and the type of people they become. I have some experience in this area. Our youngest son has finished his time at college, has graduated and is in the process of moving to New York city with a young woman he cares deeply for. It is their time. Their time now to create their lives and their plan. It has taken my husband and I a lot of time to help him get to this point. To this time in his life where he gets to decide what, where and how his life will look. The time now as my husband has shared with him is to, and I quote "It's time to pack up your shit, move to New York and get a job." Now, that is a pretty clear directive and comment on what time of life our son is in! My husband and I invested the time to help him get to this point. Time spent guiding, directing, redirecting when necessary, and lots of time spent encouraging and most importantly loving him for who he is , for what he wants, for what his dreams are. He is off to begin his life now. It is time, he is ready and the time is his now to design. He is using his time to begin his career in filmmaking.

What really matters during all the time we spend parenting? Of course all parents, good ones, have to spend time thinking about the basics that our kids need. Time spent providing a place to live, food to eat and clothes to wear. After those basics are met, what kind of time will make the greatest difference in helping our kids become competent, confident, moral, able people? Is it important to spend time cooking, cleaning, doing household chores, paying bills, going to work? Yes, because that time demonstrates how to be a responsible grown up. But, after that, what kind of time really makes a difference in determining how your child evolves and grows? I would like to suggest that time, just that, makes a big difference.

I watched the Today show the other morning and their medical correspondent, Dr. Nancy Schneiderman, was on talking about young girls and the upsetting mental illness of anorexia and bulimia. She talked about the importance of family time. The importance of time spent in simple activities like eating dinner together, having an evening conversation as a family. She spoke to the idea that kids need time with us, moments, hours to have us there to listen, to talk,to tuck them in at night. Hours, she said, hours of time given to our children to help them become whole, know their value, know we love them.

There is a new show on TV called "The Big C". This show is about a woman finding out that she has stage four melanoma. The whole premise of this show is how we choose to spend time. What would you do if you knew your time was limited, if you knew your life was going to be shorter rather than longer. How would you spend your time? What would matter, what would you do?

I would suggest that each of us as parents take the time, make the time, spend the time being present in our children's lives. Demonstrate from the very earliest stages of our their lives that they are important to us, so valuable that we choose to give them our most precious resource, time. Time to help them know they are loved, know that we believe in them. Time to help them become all that they are supposed to be and meant to be.

Who knows, when we choose to give our children the time they need to discover who they are, and support them in all they do, maybe one of them might just be in TIME magazine. Recognized as an expert in her field. Someone who has used her time to become a cheesemonger of great renown! Way to go Anne!

Until next time,

Pam

Passages

Hello!

It of course has been a bit since my last post! I seem to be in that kind of pattern these days, and maybe that actually works better 'cause then I may have more to say that is of some value, at least I hope so.

I decided to call this post "passages" because I am sitting in my daughter's condo supervising her move to Cleveland, Ohio. She is studying for the summer in Oxford, England. She is a teacher and is working towards her masters degree in literature, so that she can be an even more effective instructor to this new group of kids she will be in charge of this coming school year. That in itself is a passage!

Passages are interesting. They are actually an ongoing part of life, kind of like the ebb and flow of tides. As with the tidal change, kids change, parents change and families change. Sitting here, of course I am thinking about change. A big change is in progress right now! Our youngest daughter, having accepted a new job in a different state, is making a big change. She is moving to a new area, Cleveland Ohio. She has been there only a few times. She went for the interview, found a new place to live and now is taking that next step to relocate. Move, change begin anew. As her new passage begins, so does one for my husband and myself. We now have all 3 of our children living in different states!

In an earlier post I spoke to a question I was asked by a merchant in our small town who knows all of my children and what they are up to. He had asked didn't I miss my children when they were not geographically nearby? I of course said yes! But, here is the thing, I have had and am continuing to have the opportunity to design my life, on my terms. I owe that same courtesy and opportunity to my children.

My husband and I have guided our children through the passages of infancy, childhood, adolescence, the teen years, college and early adulthood. Looking back, it is amazing to be at this place, this passage, this time to realize that all 3 of our kids are grown ups...architects of their own lives.

I have the pleasure of working with young parents in my job as a preschool teacher, and get the chance each year to watch these parents grow, evolve and move through a passage in their parenting as they launch their children into the world of organized "school". I love this opportunity! I really love what I do, working with the parents as well as their lovely children. I think that part of my job is to see if I can help these young parents navigate their own passage through this phase of parenting. The letting go, the trusting of their children to someone else. Allowing their children room to discover and become more independent, self aware, and self confident. The very beginnings of letting go, which will continue throughout their life as their children grow. The start of cultivating, encouraging, supporting children in their attempts to design their own lives. A life that plays to each child discovering and embracing their interests, their strengths, their desires. One of the basic tenets of good parenting; help children become the best possible version of themselves, a version created in their image, not yours!

So, as I sit here and reflect on this passage of ours, my daughters, my husbands and mine, I think to what I hope is each parent's wish. The ability to help your children become who they are meant to be. The ability to give your children all that they need throughout each passage of their lives. To "fill up their buckets" to be present in their lives, to be aware, to love unconditionally. After all that, then take the time to celebrate when they move forward, move on and even move to Cleveland Ohio to being their own next chapter. A chapter I can not wait to read!

Until next time,

Pam

p.s. coming soon...part 2, next up a move to New York!

Never say Never!

Hello!

This past weekend I got the chance to spend time with my sister in law, and her kids. I told her that I was going to use her story as inspiration for this blog...so L you have been warned! :)

My sister in law and brother in law have kids quite a bit younger than my husband and I. It is kind of like having the chance to be grandparents a bit, without the official title. Our kids are all grown now and with that, as I have said, there are opportunities for different kinds of parenting. My husband and I are now on the "on call" basis, our kids call when they need help or advice. L on the other hand, is right in the throws of parenting, as her kids are all 11 or younger. We all know that means a lot more hands on and day to day action!

The reason I decided to use my sister in law as inspiration today, is because, as I teased her, she got a dog for the family. Now this is really not a huge deal, but really it is, since L has not been keen on getting a dog, and was really against it for a long time. However, as her kids grew and the family changed and she thought about a dog, for her kids, she changed her mind. And...that is the key!! Parenting is an evolving, inexact art that always requires us to be flexible, bend and change and see how each new stage develops and what is required for the age our kids are at now.

I really admire L, she is a fabulous Mom! She is always thinking about what to do, how to do it, and what each of her kids need. She has 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl, and you know those kids are truly lucky! She puts hours of thought, energy and time into helping each of them. We have lately had a conversation about what books would be good to read for the next challenges to come as her kids enter new and exciting phases of life. I think that is always a good idea. Taking the time to try and prepare yourself as much as possible for what may be coming! Sometimes it even helps!

Having said all that, I guess what I really think is that good parents always are aware and involved and thinking about their kids. I know that trying to make sure that children's lives are perfect is impossible, and really not even healthy, but it is wise I think, to try and always be mindful. Be aware of what you are doing and saying, be aware of how your actions and words affect your kids. I have said before that my Dad used to say "do as I say and not as I do", and although I loved him dearly, I do not agree with that. What we do actually says more to our kids than what we say, and by demonstrating, like L did that ideas can change, and plans can be altered, we show our kids how to be real people. Life is ever changing. Helping our kids see that we can be flexible and adjust to new situations and realities of life, helps kids learn a lot. They see us demonstrating how to make choices, and how to evaluate situations throughout different parts of life. Life changes constantly, and by being flexible I think we show our kids how to become flexible themselves. Our actions always speak much louder than our words!

So, be like Gumby, the old fashioned bend and flex toy that dates me. Bend, flex, change as each part of your child's life does. Demonstrate how to do that and I bet they learn a lot from watching you. The only constant in life is change, so never say never and...Hey, you may get a call from your 27 year old who was not always comfortable trying new things and new adventures, tell you about her trip to Paris where she met new people, did new and wonderful things and is thrilled to have experienced it!

Until next time,

Pam

Functionality

Hello!

It has been a few weeks again since I have had anything to say. And, during that time, I was taking the time to think and read a book called "Bad Mother". The title of course is quite catchy and as I was walking through an airport it caught my attention. I love to stop at the book stores inside airports since they always seem to have a whole variety of reading materials to choose from. On this particular stop, I of course stopped to get the latest new semi-trashy book to read on the plane and on the trip. But, while I was in the store, I decided to look at the parenting and self help section for grins. Immediately this book caught my eye! I had to buy it.

Since that time, I have read a lot of the book, but truthfully not all of it. I read enough to laugh and understand that this was a sane person writing about all that goes on with motherhood and actually parenthood, she just of course is a mom and had to write from her perspective. I would recommend it to all of you mothers out there who really are trying your hardest to do a good job. The author is Ayelet Waldman. Of course this is not a scholarly book, but sure is fun to read and laugh with and at, and might even let you give yourself a pat on the back.

This book made me think about the idea of functionality. Isn't that really what the point of parenting is?? To raise competent children who grow into competent adults. Now, the hard part is how to do that and of course do it well. Lately I have had the opportunity to think about families I know and families I know of and look at how their kids are doing. A lot of the people I spend time with think about their kids a lot. Some of course, seem to be doing better than others, kids I mean, and some are of course struggling a bit. Most of our friends have kids that are young adults and the youngest have just graduated from college. Last night my husband and I had dinner with friends of ours who's children are at the same age and stage. Honestly, at this point they are all doing well, of course with life issues of jobs and job searches for some, but in total they are all functioning well. We were discussing what they are all up to and agreed that we are lucky and thankful. Yet, as the conversation progressed, we did stop a moment and realize that we have jointly, both families, put in a LOT of time. I have to admit, that we did take the time to congratulate ourselves on the fact that we put the time in, did the work, chose to try hard. I am pretty sure that is why all 6 of the kids in our two families are doing well.

Being a parent is hard work. I know lots of people struggle with the balancing act of juggling family, kids, self and work. Yet, isn't it the best when you know that your kids are good, that they are well, that they make themselves and you proud? Ayelet Waldman makes fun of herself and her husband in the book "Bad Mother." She points out all the pit falls we all can encounter along the path of the parenting road, yet, in the end I think she shares her story to let people know that being a good parent does not require perfection, or millions of dollars, or knowing always what to do. Being a good parent requires being present, adjusting as needed to do what your kids need, taking the time, doing the work. Creating fully functioning adults does not mean you always did or do the right thing or even always know the best thing to do. It does mean that you always take the time, adjust as needed, be present and always, always do the work!

I would like to think that if you choose to do the work and take the time, you may get to have all your grown up kids excited about traveling to London to see their sister who's studying there, celebrate family, invite their significant others, and even create ridiculous shirts that say "Saxelby Family Pilgrimage to the Homeland".

Now I argue, that's functionality...crazy perhaps, but functioning!!

Until next time,

Pam

All you don't know!!

Hello!

It has been a bit of time since my last post! There have been graduations and travel and family and Father's day and today an anniversary!

Today is my husband and my 31st wedding anniversary and I am proud of it! We have worked hard to get to this point and it made me think about the title of this post....."All you don't know!"

As I was thinking about what to write, it made me ponder the beginning of our marriage. My husband and I were babies when we began our adventure. We got married at the young old age of 22 and really did think we were grown ups at the time. We knew we were ready to begin a new phase and get on with the adult stuff of life! HA! All that we did not know!

My husband and I had known each other a long time before we got married. We were the proverbial high school sweethearts, of course there were bumps along the way, and we were not together during all of that time, but for the most part we were. So, when the time came and it was our first wedding anniversary, we decided we were ready to begin this whole parenting thing. We wanted to be young parents so that we could have the energy and the physical ability to run around with our kids and enjoy their growing up. We were quite lucky I now realize, because we were pregnant right away! Our oldest daughter, Anne was born when we were 24, our second daughter, Megan, was born when we were 26 and our son, Bill, was born right after I turned 31...my husband is a mere baby and he was still 30! I always complimented him on his wisdom of marrying an older woman! So, there we have it. In a short period of time we were parents with a gusto!

Before my husband and I had our children we spent a great deal of time talking about what we thought our parenting style would be and how we wanted to raise our children. I do believe that exercise was important, but to be honest, part of that has to go out the window when the reality of parenting is at hand! I know in my first post I wrote what I thought were the tenets of good parenting; 1. Love unconditionally 2. Be the PARENT 3. Use the scary word "No" 4. Do not try to create the child in your image 5. Help each child find their own way and, 6. DO NO HARM

Upon review, I think those ideas are pretty good! I do not know that my husband and I consciously tried to practice all these tenets each and every day or even knew we were trying to accomplish those ideas. I do know that we were always trying hard to be mindful of what each day brought and how we interacted and reacted to and with our kids. Some times of course were lovely and some times were the EXACT opposite. I know that when we were all starry eyed and brought our first daughter, Anne, home that we had absolutely no idea what to do. I do not care how many parenting classes you take, you have NO idea what you are doing when you bring your first child home. I will give you this example. When Anne needed to be changed that first night she was in our exclusive care, we changed her on our bed and it took her peeing all over it 4 times before we got the idea, that "AH HA" that is not the best plan. Or course we did then put a towel down and that eliminated that problem. But of course, that was a relatively easy problem to solve and so off we went from there into the realm of parents and parenting.

As time has passed of course my husband and I have gotten much better at problem solving as parents then we were that first night. I would like to think we do not need 4 chances to get it right at this juncture! I will say that with the time we have spent parenting I do believe we have been able to do a lot well. We have put in the time and the work. I think that is the most important thing good parents do.

This past weekend, as it was Father's day, there was a letter to the editor in the Chicago Tribune that a son wrote about his father. The basic premise of the article was that this person, this son, came from a family of somewhat modest means and a family where the father had to work odd hours and sometimes 2 jobs. The mom had to work also, so the parents were quite busy making ends meet in all ways for their family. The subject of the article was about what really mattered to this man as he reflected on father's day and about his parents. His conclusion was that being present, being there, taking time was the most important gift his father gave to him. As this was a reflection on father's day the article specifically talked to an incident where this man remembered an important event in his growing up. He had a presentation to give and had asked his parents to please be there. His mom said she was sorry but his younger brother was ill and she had to attend to him. His father reminded his son that unfortunately he had to work different hours that day and would not be able to attend either. The son accepted that, but was of course sad. This man shared that as he was finishing his presentation, he looked up and saw that his Dad was standing right there in the audience, smiling at him and clapped furiously when his presentation was over. All these years later, that is what this man remembers. He remembers that his father somehow made it to this event that was so important to him. His father took the time, he made sure he was there. He was present.

So, in all that we often do not know as parents and for all that we can constantly learn and improve upon as parents, maybe the most important lesson is to just "Be there." Everyone can know that. Be there, be present, take the time. I would argue that is the most important part of parenting well. Although scheduling can be tricky, there is nothing hard about being present and being there. Take the time, be there for your children.

You never know, you may get asked to go on a road trip to Ohio to be there to help your daughter find a new place to live as she begins the next phase of her adult life and starts a new job and a new journey!

Until next time,

Pam

A continuum

Hello!!


It has been a few weeks since I last sat down to write what goes around in this brain of mine! Since that time we have had the opportunity to watch our youngest son graduate from college, our youngest daughter be offered a new job in a different state and our oldest daughter make the giant leap of cohabitation! Now.... that is a lot!

I have also had a bit of feedback from those of you that look to accommodate me and read this blog every once in a while. Thanks for all the comments. I truly appreciate it! Life is an interesting process that we all participate in!

In thinking about all that has happened in the last few weeks, I have to say ..YEAH!!!!! Yeah to all my kids, yeah to all that we celebrated and yeah to each of them for figuring out what works for them and taking the steps to get there. I have to say that it is a weird, yet also wonderful feeling having our last child graduate from college. I have to admit that I have spent a bit of time looking in the mirror and saying "What?? Is that me??" The cliche works here, it seems that your kids grow and evolve and you don't seem to notice the time that has passed. Gary Meir (not sure about the spelling) on WGN says that once you reach 50 it seems that you are having breakfast every 15 minutes. I think he's onto something!

It is the ultimate pleasure of parenting and being a parent to watch your kids find their way. It is also gut wrenching at times as they go through the struggles that each one of them has to figure out. I ran into a woman that I have not had the pleasure of seeing for a while, and we were catching up on where each of our kids are. Her youngest son is the age of our oldest daughter. She was sharing with me the thought that she wished her mom would have "manned up" and told her the secret that parenting does not get easier after 18. You are not done being a parent once you have sent your kids off to college or into the world to pursue a career...you are just truly starting with the really hard stuff! Once your kids are grown and able to care for themselves, the big problems or if you are a positive thinker at heart, "opportunities" start! Your children now have to be grownups on their own and solve and decide what works in their lives, and what doesn't. The kicker here is that you can not put a bandaide on and make it all better...they have to figure it all out themselves. Now, that does not mean that you are not a player in these scenarios... the difference is that you do not get to fix whatever "ails" them. You have to be a good coach. Know when to talk, know when to listen and just know when to shut up! I have to admit that for me, the part about shutting up is the hardest. I hope that I will be able to continue to evolve and ask the question.."Do you want my opinion?" However, no matter what the answer to that question is, they still are the drivers , you are just a bystander, of course a very interested bystander, but still a bystander.

Each one of our children needs something different from us as they become adults. Some personalities want more involvement, some want less and some will probably be a hybrid of the two. I think the key to continuing to be an effective and helpful person in your child's life, no matter how old they are, is to be able to discern what is the best role for you to play and how to best help them. I talked recently with a psychologist that I respect about how to evolve as children grow. She used the term "transformative parenting". Her definition of that meant that as children grow our job is to transform from hands on to hands off. Become a good advisor, even when it is killing you....don't think your job is to solve the problem your child is facing. Your job is to provide advice, if asked for and be there. That is it! Our job as kids grow each year is to be less hands on and more hands off....be the good coach.

So, as I look to where each of our children are now, I have to say that being the part of the "good coach" is what I am continuing to strive for. And, as each of them meets the challenges and "opportunities" that life presents I am thrilled to be right there on the sideline cheering them on and even occasionally yelling "WAY TO GO!!!!!!""

I do have to admit that that is the good stuff. Being right there to celebrate our son's graduation from college, our daughter's job offer, and our daughter's choice to take the next step with a good man she loves...so here goes.....


"WAY TO GO GUYS"!!!!!!!


Until next time,


Pam

Oh the Places they may go....continue

Hello All!


So today is the beginning of the next phase of one of my children's lives! We are traveling down to Austin Texas today. Our son is a senior at the University of Texas and tomorrow we get to be part of the viewing audience of his film for his senior project. His culmination of 4 years worth of work and study.

Lat night I got a chance to have a conversation with him as he was on his way home after spending the better part of these last few days locked up in a variety of editing labs. He sounded exhausted of course, but also exhilarated! What could be better than that? He is finishing up one part of his life and will soon start the next. We talked about the fact that he graduates next week and within a short period of time, will start planning for his move to New York city.

From the time this child of ours was tiny, (well actually he was never tiny because he is 6'8" tall) we watched him manipulate cameras and army men and props, and even his friends into mini films. We watched all of this unfold, and encouraged and supported him to pursue what excited him. Now, tomorrow, we get to see a new amazing phase in this process. His film will be on the "big screen" in Austin Texas. I knew this would happen...I just didn't know where.

Today I was listening to the radio and the commentator was presenting his views on what kids should do as they contemplate college. It is of course graduation time and that lends itself to this kind of conversation. His daughter, I gathered was graduating high school, and he was discussing what type of advice he has given her. He has told her that she should choose a major that will provide her with the type of monetary future she would like. This is is his opinion, which is just that, and of course all well and good, but I say NO NO NO!!!

Life is too darn short to spend your time just making money. I believe that parents want always, what is best for their kids, at least the parents who I am talking about here, but isn't it a whole lot better to tell them to follow their dreams, do what excites them, pursue their passions? How great it is to spend your life doing what excites you...the money will follow. Now, of course if we are talking making millions, that is another story, but how many successful people do you read about do what they hate?
Hello! No One!!!!!

I talked last weekend with a business owner in the town we live. He know all of my kids and always asks about them. He asked where they all were and what they were doing. I shared with him that our son is going out east, that our youngest daughter is looking at jobs all over the country and that our oldest is still happily ensconced in New York City. He asked me didn't I miss them when they move, and do not live nearby? I told him of course I do, but and here is the big BUT...it is not up to me to design their lives. They get to do that. They have earned that right and that respect from me and their Dad. Our goal has never been to create our children in our image. Our goal has been, and still is, to help them find their own voice, their own design, their own way.

So, Good Parents, help your children find their own way; not the safe way, not the way you think works best, but their way. Help them cut the cord and find the life they are meant to lead! You never know where that will lead them.

Our sons plan led him to Austin, Texas. I know I am going to relish the opportunity to see our sons film, his vision on the movie screen this weekend! I can't wait to go! I did of course, tell him I won't wear a long gown, this time...

I will reserve that for his Hollywood premier!


Until next time,

Pam

Cutting the Cord

Hello!

Since the last post I have been thinking a lot about how to cut the cord, cut the strings, fly the kite, let the kite soar, all those sort of descriptions for letting your kids fly on their own.

I have 3 adult children. It does not mean that I am done parenting. When you have adult children you are on an" as need basis" versus parenting younger children where you have daily contact and responsibility. I have talked in some of my earlier posts about parents and style of parenting. I have commented on squeezing too hard and knowing how and when to let go. Well, I have decided that those decisions never end!

When you kids are little the decision of how to and when to step out and let your children navigate on their own is based primarily on safety and judgement issues. Little kids need specific instruction, monitoring and help making the right choices for themselves. Our job I think then is to let the line out a little at a time as kids demonstrate their ability to make good and healthy choices and move forward well. As our kids grow each age requires us to let the line out more and more until inevitably the line is let all the way out. The decision parents have to make then, is to see how well each child is doing handling all that freedom. Some kids can handle a lot at an earlier age and seem to be able to fly pretty well, and some kids need you to keep reeling them back in until they get it right! The tricky part for all of us parents is to be able to gauge how each of our children are doing and help them through life's process. Parenting is like a good barometer, you check for progress and if you see an impending storm you plan for it and make the necessary corrections or supplies available!

I thought that after parenting teenagers my job would get easier. For the most part that is true, but the catch here is that I have truly discovered that a parents job is never, ever done. Being a good parent is a life long process, and some of the tricky parts are always there. The trickiest part is knowing how and when to cut the cord, cut the string, snip away at the string etc. etc. Letting go and letting our kids fly on their own.

Most of my friends are of course close in age to myself and so have kids that are grown or almost fully "cooked" as I like to say. A number of us now have kids who are graduating from college and beginning to look for jobs and some of us have kids who are looking for new jobs or different jobs or just plain any old job, along with deciding where to live and who to date and if they we want to get married and all sorts of similar grown up choices! Thinking about all of this makes me know that parenting just takes on a different look as our kids grow. My friends and I are no less interested in our children now than we were when they were little. Actually, sometime we are even more interested because the decisions that our kids have to make are that much bigger and more important. The difference is our job now is to be on the sideline, not the front line.

Each and every day of a parents life has time spent thinking about our kids. I guess that with each age comes wisdom. The wisdom to know how and what our kids need from us to be able to be and continue to be their most competent and complete selves. I am now learning that cutting the cord has just one literal meaning. The actual even that takes place after birth when the real umbilical cord is cut between mother and child. After that, cutting the cord is all symbolic and I am not sure that actually ever completely happens!

So, Good Parents...keep loving your kids well. I am 53 years old and still working on it!


Until next time,

Pam

Life

Hello!!

Life has been getting in the way....am cooking up new thoughts!
Will write soon!

Pam

It all starts at home...and the never ending story!

Hello!

This week I spent a good deal of time talking with my colleagues at school. It is parent-teacher conference time, which always lends itself to discussion of family and children. We were debating how to have productive conversations with parents, and the best way to do that. While having this discussion, we talked about all the different types of parents and family models we get to see and observe in our jobs. It is such a rewarding profession! We get to work with lots of little children and hopefully make a difference in their lives and their development.

One of the general consensus observations we came to is that family and the model it presents, is tremendously important in the development of children. At the school we work at, we are fortunate to have parents who are almost to a family, very involved and invested in their children's welfare. It is rewarding to work in this type of setting since most parents already "buy into" the idea that parenting and how you do that makes a big difference in the way your child develops and how they "turn out"! I love being able to affirm that thought process as we talk during our conference time together.

As my partner and I were meeting with our parents this morning, it was wonderful to be able to share stories and our observations about their children when they are in school. It is also quite interesting to see the parents respond and have them comment on how the behavior or trait we may be talking about, is one they also see in themselves. On the other side of that idea is the parent who sees the behavior or trait we are discussing as one that they have observed in their spouse, and even perhaps a sibling or a grandparent. So, parenting makes a difference, but so does genetics. Some types of characteristics are just part of each one of our DNA! When we talk with parents about behavior that is dissimilar to their personalities, we comment on how part of each one of us just "is". We are all, in my opinion, born with a certain disposition. From that point, it is up to parents to figure out what to and how to help their children tap into the best parts of themselves and become the best people they can become. One of the fathers we had a chance to talk with today shared that his parenting vision is to provide lots of opportunities for his children. Open the door, so to speak, and see what excites them. I love this idea! It means that this parent knows his job is to help his children figure out what excites them and what avenues to explore. Here is an example of how it truly does all start at home. The opportunities and experiences we provide for our children make a difference in what they will become and how they will design their lives.

The other topic I thought about this week is the idea of "The Never Ending Story". This is an actual movies title of a children's film. I know this because my daughter and my nephew watched this movie so much when they were little that I think they wore the cassette of the film out, yes, I am dating myself here. My point here is that while I was contemplating what to discuss with parents at conferences I also spent time talking with my colleagues about all of our grown children. Every one of us has children who are now adults, and either in college or graduated from college. We laughed at ourselves because here we are thinking about all these young parents and their children, while also knowing that we still spend a ton of time thinking about and sometimes even stressing about, how to help our grown children. Parenting truly is a never ending job and it does all start at home.

So, start well at home. Think about your kids and what is best for them. Know that when you take on this job it truly is a life long journey, a never ending story. A job that can not be forfeited, you do not get to send your child back to Russia, like the adopted mother did that I read about in yesterday's Chicago Tribune. Good parenting...It all starts at home and is a truly "Never Ending Story"! Enjoy the journey!

Until next time,

Pam

Like a Rock

Hello!

This past weekend while I was traveling, I started to think a lot about how a solid foundation really is important for kids as they grow up. We had the chance to spend a wonderful weekend with our oldest daughter, her lovely boyfriend, friends of hers and friends of ours. As we talked with everyone throughout the weekend, it occurred to me that family, and the support or lack of support it provides, makes a difference in how people develop.

One of the first things I talked about, or to, when I began this blog, is that no child asks to be brought into this world. We, as the adults, get to make that choice and create children. I argued that once that occurs, it is up to us, the adults that created the child, to do our absolute best for the lovely person we have delivered into this world. It is the ultimate responsibility to be a parent and to raise a child.

During conversations I had this weekend, it was clear that where someone comes from and the type of family they have, or don't have can make a big difference in the type of adult that person becomes. One person I spoke with is a new mother. She has a 15 month old and is trying to decide what type of parent she will continue to become. Right now she is learning how to be a mother and her partner is learning how to be a father. They are so lovely to watch. They are uber involved with their son and are seeking advice and consult from family and friends who have already been down the path they are on, or have already passed through this beginning parenting process. In talking with them, I know they will create a strong sound person. I know this because they are searching and learning and wanting to become the best parents possible for their son. They understand that their child needs them to do what is best and right for him.

Another person I got to converse with is a new father also. He has a son who is also 15 months old and is also learning how to be a father. I loved seeing his photos and hearing him talk about this son. I do not know him well, but you could tell through what he was saying and doing that he has become transformed! I call the parenting process a transformation because you go from thinking mostly about yourself and your life, to thinking constantly (and sometimes obsessively) about your children and what they need and what you need to do for them and how to protect them..etc.etc.etc.! My best guess is that this father's son will become a wonderful adult also, because he has a father who seems to be totally committed to his son and his life.

One of the other people I got to meet disturbed me. Although he spent time showing beautiful pictures of his children, I doubted his ability to be in this parenting thing for the long haul and in it for the benefit of his children. I wondered if he liked the idea of fatherhood, but perhaps not the reality of fathering. I do not know this man, but do know that he is already separated from his children's mother, and the youngest is just 11 months old. I am not trying to be the judge of this man, I am just wondering if he is going to be able to do what is needed for his children, or if he is going to do what he needs to take care of himself first. I think that parenting requires a lack of selfishness and the ability to put our own needs aside . I do not think that we, as adults who raise children, need to forgo all our own needs and desires, but I do think that when it comes to a choice, we always have to put our children's needs first. Remember, they did not ask us to bring them into the world. We did that!

Parenting well does not have to be debilitating! Good parenting requires us to be present, to be aware to be involved. Good parenting requires that we show our children we love them completely and unconditionally and will do what is best for them even if they don't like it. I got to chat a few weeks ago with a mom of a child I had in class years ago. Her son is now in 8th grade and doing all the things young adolescents do.....sometimes sneaking out, sometimes sneaking extra texting time, sometimes searching the internet for all the scary stuff that is out there, etc. etc.(think about all the stuff you may have done as a young teenager!) She was sharing with me her frustration about how some of her sons friends parents do not seem to set rules for their kids, and choose to get them out of, or ignore the trouble they are in. She said it was frustrating for her to be the type of parent who sets rules and requires her son to follow them and then watch the "fray" around her and him as other kids have different , or nonexistent consequences. I empathized with her and complimented her on hanging in there and doing the right things for her son. I reminded her that her son has lots of friends, and needs her to be his parent. He will thank her for that when he is older. She is setting a solid foundation for him. One that will give him the right guidelines and pathways he need as he grows through this teenage phase into adulthood.

So, in summary, I suggest that good parenting requires us to build a solid foundation for our kids. One that lets our children know we care and demonstrates love and respect. One that lets kids know we will make the hard choices and choose to do what is needed to help them become competent, ethical responsible adults!

Maybe if you choose the "solid" path you will get to have your daughter take you out to lunch and thank you for "filling her bucket to overflowing" so that she could become the lovely, talented, competent business owner she is today!

Until next time,

Pam

Parenting....an action word!

Hi All!

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to travel with my daughter. During the weekend, we spent lots of time talking and chatting and philosophizing! My daughter Megan is an educator also and has the unique perspective of working with teenagers. I say that the little kids I work with are just the same, only they have smaller bodies! While we were on one of our walks over the weekend, she and I took to talking about kids, (we both are passionate about them) and parenting. She was the one who came up with the idea for this week's post....Parenting, it's an ACTION word! I think this idea is genius! Think of all that parents have to and need to do in order to be successful in this job! There is a lot of "doing" involved.

As I was thinking about this, this morning, I was watching the Today show. On the segment I was watching the first topic being discussed was of "bullying". This is a very disturbing phenomena. Unfortunately way too many kids experience this behavior from their peers. This is an area where lots of parent "action" is required. The commentator was retelling the story of a young teenager who actually killed herself because of the way she had been bullied by other kids at her high school. How TRAGIC is that?

Bullying of any kind requires lots of action from parents and adults. It requires hard work and hard decisions to teach children how to respect and treat others well. Kids, of course, can be innately mean at certain times of their lives. I would argue that toddlers and teenagers can be quite cruel. It is up to parents to help their children learn rules of proper social conduct. We do not have to teach our children to like everyone, we do have to teach our children to respect that everyone is just as important and valuable as they are. No one is any better than anyone else. We can be different and equal. This type of teaching requires lots of action because as our kids grow we will need to reinforce the concept of respect and kindness over and over. Unfortunately, I still see adults who need more learning in this area!

The second segment of the Today show this morning talked about children with Autism. Holly Robinson Peete and her family were on the show talking about their personal experiences. They have a son with autism. As I listened to their stories and the discussion that followed, and all that they have gone through and continue to go through, I thought about my dear friends who have two sons with autism. Their house is full of action! Parenting for them is a complete action word! They help their adult sons shower, they help drive them to their perspective programs, they help donate and raise money for the programs their sons are in, they continually look for new therapies and drug protocols for their sons....and so on and so on. Their parenting is action to the max!

Last night I happened to be talking with one of our neighbors. They have two sons. Both of them are adopted and they are fabulous parents. Their sons have different needs and do have some circumstances that require extra assistance from the school system. My neighbor and I discussed all that is going on in her 7th grade son's life. She has had to be his advocate and fight over and over for him to get the right programing and services that he needs to be his most successful self. She has had to act a lot! She spends countless hours coordinating with teachers and program directors and different schools to get the right setting for her son. She is at the point where she will need to find the right setting for him as he begins high school, a setting where people see all that he can do and not what he can not. Here lots of parenting as action is required!

As I think about all of the above information, I ask each of us that is a parent to consider how to parent as an action verb..
Do whatever it takes, whatever is needed to help your children grow and become the best possible model of themselves they can become. ACT!! Act so that your kids know you are always their advocate and that you will do whatever they need and do whatever it takes to help them become the best they can be!

I am waiting to see our sons new short film.....I heard it is an action short!

Until next time,

Pam

Be Like Barack

Hello!

So today I had the chance to meet a young woman while I was out at lunch with my Mom and my brother. We were enjoying ourselves and this young woman was polite, efficient, and good all around, at her job. After we finished lunch and she brought us the bill, we started chatting. She told us that she was almost finished with college, that she was deciding what direction to take next and was wrestling with the fact that her family had a business and her Dad wanted her to join in and perhaps take it over. She is contemplating this option, but although she likes the idea of running a business and is flattered that her Dad considers her competent and able, she has her own plan, plan B. She wants to own her own business, but her vision is to own and operate a salon, a nail and hair salon. That is what she wants to do and so now is trying to decide what path to take.

I also know a young professional woman in the film industry. Her dream is to make films, specifically documentary films that provide insight and knowledge about topics she is passionate about. Her new film just debuted at an Asian film festival where she received the great honor of being awarded the prize for best documentary. We congratulated her with much enthusiasm and told her how excited we were for her and how proud she must be! The note she sent back to us was warm and appreciative, but perhaps a bit melancholy because she shared that she has had to convince her Dad that art is an important career path to take.

This morning I was at the school where I work. Lots of us that are there have been there a long time, and so we all know about each others families and where all of our respective children are at, both physically and in their own development! One of my colleagues was asking me how our youngest son is. She knows that he is about to graduate from college. I shared with her that he is well, and excited about his new path. He is a film student. He is making his own first film shorts. He is contacting people in the industry that he has interned for and beginning the process of finding his way professionally. His job path is not as clear cut as business, or other professions and my colleague commented on this. As my conversation with her was coming to a close, she said, "Wow! Hope he can get a job"!

Perhaps I tend to look at the world as a place where all is possible, and that with the right training, attitude and hard work we can find our way at whatever we set our mind to! My response to her was not to worry, I have and always have had every confidence in my son's ability to succeed in the profession of his choice.

I don't say any of this to judge, but I do share these stories as a precaution. As parents our job is to fill our children's buckets up to overflowing! Give them the positive messages and demonstrate through actions we take, that we know they are able and capable and can achieve anything, and find their way along any path they choose.

I had a parent a few years back share with me her observations about my family and the type of parenting practices we have chosen. She worked with 2 of my children when they were in middle school. She shared that although many parents say their children can do and be anything they want, she doesn't, in fact, see that message being delivered through the messages that are given to these children. That is the hard part. She complemented my husband and myself on actually giving our children the message that they can do and be anything they choose through what we say and through what we do. I am not trying to say, by any means, that I have all the answers and that my husband and I are parenting gurus...we have had enough snafus along the way! What I am saying, is that our children need us, as their parents, to be their biggest fans and cheerleaders and coaches. I argue that in order for children to truly find their own path well, we need to tell them they can, and...here is the tricky part...BELIEVE IT!

Here is what I think. I think that our children can be and do whatever their minds can conceive. Our job is to help them know that, buy it and act upon it. Our job as parents is to provide the fertile ground for our kids. An environment that is filled up with positive messages, encouragement, and support. A place where their "buckets" are filled to overflowing. A place where the constant message they hear is "Yes, you can!"

So, be like Barack. Say "Yes you can!" over and over and over until your kids believe it.

Who knows, maybe one day one of your kids will be President, and deliver a sweeping Health Care Reform Bill!

Until next time,

Pam

Look at where you've been and decide where you're going

Hello!

I was traveling last week and so now I am back!

While I was gone, I was thinking a lot about directions. You know like Map Quest and Google Maps and even old fashioned regular paper maps that you can get at any rest stop along the way of major highways. It occurred to me that parenting can be a lot like selecting the right map for the job!

When our kids are little it is probably fine to select the basic road map, the one that does not include all the options or alternate routes along the way. It might be like going on Map Quest and searching for the basic route. There are probably only one or two major routes to any given destination. We may want to select the one that seems easiest and the least problematic to figure out. Kind of like a good basic parenting book about what the basic stages of development are. I think that most parents can figure this part of the journey out pretty well!

As our kids grow, I would suggest that parenting gets more complicated and so maybe we need a better map, a more sophisticated plan that lets us in on all the twists and turns that may be up ahead. Maybe this plan might be like that advanced road maps that you can search for on Google maps and maybe even further on Google earth. Google Earth lets you pinpoint a destination or location, and see that place quite clearly. Google earth is a bit scary if you ask me, because it can pinpoint any location that a satellite can spot. I am not sure that as I recall my parenting and the situations that I confronted, that I would have wanted to have everything spelled out that clearly. I might have abdicated my job and left for places unknown!

I think the best parenting practices ask us to change and adjust. Adjust to the age and stage that our children are at and seek out the best directions possible for getting through that stage well, and if along the way the plan is not working, reverse, swerve, or change directions completely. Kids are unique creatures. A plan that may have worked for one, may not work for another, or may work partly for another, but require some personal and unique features. Kind of like going on Google maps and looking for not just the right street, but the best way to get there, and where all the potholes are.

I think that as I raised my kids I thought that the basics would work for all of them. Well, in a way it did, but each one of them was and is different. Even though I have two daughters, they are not the same. It is actually so interesting to me that you can provide the same DNA and each child will still turn out differently and need different things. When you have children of different sexes, you sort of expect that, but it is still quite true with children of the same sex.

I did not have an exact road map or destination plan for each of my children. What I did have was a basic guide, sort of a highway system road map for parenting. I read a lot of books about development, I talked with other mothers and reasoned that common sense was part of parenting too, and then fine tuned the road map for each of them. One of our children needs a big plan, a big expanse of the world, one seems to need a scope that is equally as big, but has perhaps more details built in, and one seems to be a combination of the two. I didn't know who or what they would become. I did know that if I looked and listened and adjusted and course corrected as necessary, that they would be able to find the best plan for themselves and arrive on a journey that they were excited and pleased with. I was going to say happy about, but that isn't quite accurate because happiness is something different.

So, I would suggest this week that we liken our parenting to that song "Life is a highway.." Help your children find the journey and the path that works best for them, and in the process use all the tools available to select the best routes to get them there!

You never know, you may get a Cheesemonger, a Teacher and a Filmmaker!

Until next time,

Pam

Crazy week!!

Hi...

I am getting out of dodge for the weekend...has been a crazy week. I am cooking up something good for next week..

See you then,

Pam

Editing...still a work in progress!

Still working on it!

What Everyone Wants

Hi all,

This week I am struggling with the notion of how we can create healthy well adjusted children, that will be able to take that into adulthood, and have what they need to find their way well.

This week my family is struggling with how to help one of it's members who is truly having a horrible time. I will not share the specifics, but suffice it to say that someone I love dearly, is truly in a lot of pain.

With those two things said, I am going to try and say what I think. You know, parenthood is a truly an all consuming love. I think that the idea of loving unconditionally is what I am speaking to. I have talked about how overwhelming it feels when you bring that wonderful new baby home, and how totally unprepared we all really are to understand what is asked of us as a parent. I do not think parenting is for wimps! To truly love someone unconditionally, you have to be very strong and very able to set yourself aside and do what is best for your child. That is the part that goes on and on and on throughout life! I am realizing this more, not less with each year that passes as my children have become adults.

Parenting does not end when your children are grown, actually I would say that is when the real hard stuff begins. When our kids are little we can usually make them feel better and take away the pain they are in. As children grow and enter into the different stages of growth and development it gets harder. We can not solve the problem of a child who is struggling to figure out where and who he belongs with in High School, we can not solve the problem of a horrible roommate situation in college and we can not choose who are children pick to marry. What we can do is sit next to them, listen to them, provide guidance if they ask for it, and just, just love them. That is what gets really, really hard. We can not fix, solve or eliminate the challenges that our children face. We may want to do that, but we can't. What we can do is be there.

What do I mean by "Be There"? I mean be available, present and open. Open to listening to what children have to say, present so they know that you care, and available to them whether it is actually in person or on the phone. I share with my good friend Debbie one of my favorite phrases a lot.." We have two ears and one mouth for a reason." And I think that is it. As our children grow and are confronted with the challenges and pitfalls that will come their way just because all humans deal with challenges, our job is to listen, sit next to them, demonstrate that we care, and that no matter what they are confronted with, they do not have to go it alone. I think that might be the definition of unconditional love... Be there, be present, do not judge and listen.

What everyone wants is for our children to be happy, successful adults. People who feel valued and are valued. Helping our children achieve that, means we have to be there for all of it. All of life, not just the fun parts, but the hard parts. I think that in doing that, we help our children find their way well. Find their way into adulthood and find their way through adulthood. No ones path is perfect, I know perfect does not exist, but find a path that can embrace excellence. Excellence in problem solving, excellence in being flexible, excellence in knowing that no matter what struggle or challenge our children go through, that they can and will find their way. We can not solve the problems that will confront our children, but we can help them find their way through them. We help them do that by loving them unconditionally. If we choose to do that, we can help. Help our children no matter what stage of life they are at, know that they have what it takes to make it through the tough stuff.

Unconditional love. That is what Everyone wants and Everyone needs. We don't outgrow that.

Until next time,

Pam

The Sky's The Limit!

Hello!

My husband and I were driving to meet friends this past weekend and in whatever context of the conversation we were having, he used the phrase " the Sky's the Limit".. and I had to write it down.

I have been thinking about all that I have written and talked about these last few months. Maybe I have been judgmental of some of the behaviors I have witnessed from parents and their children. But, I would like to think that is because I am passionate about parenting! I can not wait to see the new TV show that is debuting after the Olympics called "Parenthood". It looks great to me from the previews I have seen so far, and who knows it might give me good fodder to consider writing about. Hey, maybe Ron Howard will become a fan of my blog and I can give him some good ideas for an episode or two!

Seriously though, this week I am thinking a lot about how parents can truly help their kids understand that the " SKY" is the limit. That every child can become someone valuable and important, maybe not famous, because sometimes that is just a bad idea, but valuable and able and capable. Lots of words with...able... in them!

I was traveling with my Sister-in- Law a few weeks ago, and we talking about parents and parenting and self-esteem and how to help our kids be the best they can be, and all that good stuff. I was telling her a story about a phrase I had heard and read. Dr. Wayne Dyer is a motivational and inspirational speaker. I have read some of his stuff and seen him speak, on TV not in person. He tells a story about one of his children coming home one day and saying, "Johnny doesn't like me." So his father, says to him, "Do you like you?" He said his son looked at him like he had two heads and maybe was a bit goofy, and said," Of course I like me!" His father countered with," Well, there you go. It doesn't matter if Johnny likes you. It only matters if you like you. You are never going to get everyone to like you. But you can always like yourself."

Viola! There we have it! I think that as parents after feeding our kids and keeping them safe, our main goal is to help them like themselves. The whole person...all the parts. I know that kids have lots of trials in life as they grow up. Some kids have learning difficulties, some kids will have physical difficulties, some kids will have emotional and social struggles, but if we can give them enough positive and loving messages so they can develop self love, well that might be just what each person needs to find their way well and achieve their true and full potential.

I know that each of our children have had times that are difficult, and that will continue into adulthood, and actually throughout all of life. No one has a life full of Nirvana, but maybe by being there and listening and loving we can give our children what they need to find their own way well.

Ann Curry was commenting at the Olympics that it takes a village to help raise children. She was specifically speaking about all the important people in each of the successful athletes lives that have won medals or achieved a personal triumph at these Olympic games. I bet these athletes have parents who told them and grandparents who told them and teachers and coaches and aunts and uncles...etc. tell them that yes they could. Yes they could achieve and be whatever they wanted to be.

I think that if parents let their children know that the "Sky is the Limit" children will become the best possible example of themselves that they can. By encouraging and believing in their children parents can and will help their kids find their passion, find what excites them, find what motivates them. I bet that if each of us as parents demonstrates through what we say and do that we have faith in our children and even though all of them will struggle at times, give them messages that we know they can and will find their way, that they will. I would even guess that they will not just find their way, they will excel!

I am hoping that we have done that for our children.. and think maybe we have as each of them continues to make a difference through who they are and what they do.

Our oldest has been asked to be part of a Cookbook that Esquire magazine is publishing... she followed her passion and is a cheesemonger extraordinaire! Imagine that! Her Dad and I think that is pretty cool!

Until next time,

Pam

Designing a Life

Hello!

It's been a busy couple of weeks..again! My family is working on finding it's new balance after the loss of my husband's father. To that end we have spent lots of time trying to work towards what will be the new normal and making sure that everyone is healing and moving forward well.

Now that that has been said, I have been thinking about what to write once I got back into my "blogging" seat and after my husband and I went to dinner last night I got it! As we were talking, my husband was discussing how life has options. He spends a lot of time with different types of people through his work and manages a lot of different personalities. He was talking about how people work so hard to get that right job, and the right house and the right car and all the right other stuff, that maybe they forget that what is really suppose to be happening is that you are designing a life. Designing a life that is what you want for yourself and your family.

It would be too cavalier of me to say that a job and money aren't important, because frankly they are. We all need to be able to support ourselves and our families. But, in doing that maybe we should think about how we want all of that to work, to flow to become a part of the grand plan of what our family design looks like.

Last week I had the opportunity to travel to Texas to visit with our youngest child, who is actually a grown up. He is a senior at the University of Texas. While I was waiting in the airport (because of course there was a delay), I was eves dropping on a mother who was traveling with her 3 daughters. It was quite interesting to listen to their conversations, alright, maybe it was rude to eves drop, actually I was worse than eves dropping..I was taking notes while they talked! The youngest daughter was the most verbal and was actually so appalling rude that it was hard not to say something. Of course, this is all just my opinion, but wow, this young lady was something! Her tone of voice, her choice or words, her rudeness were hard to swallow. She actually said " This is so organic and healthy I could die." Her mother was offering her some snacks since it was obvious they had also enjoyed the opportunity to be delayed while traveling. As the time progressed that we were all waiting for our flights, all three of these young woman continued to be loud, and rude and just plain bratty to their mother, to the wait staff in the Admiral's Club, and to their own father on the phone. As I scribbled furiously, I thought what a family! I wonder if the parents of these girls are happy with the family they have designed? I don't know, but I wondered as these girls spoke rudely to their mother and chastised their father what had happened along the way that this is their result. It is not rocket science. I would guess that these girls are and have been allowed to behave as they did, and actually encouraged by their parents through their parenting style. These young woman were all beautiful and were on their way back to Los Angeles, and I wondered if that had anything to do with how they behaved? Was that allowed and was that what their parents wanted?

Designing the family you want takes time, intelligence, discipline and love. I know that my husband and I have spent countless hours talking and doing what we believe is best for our family and our children. We chose to invest the time and energy to try and demonstrate, model and explain what we expected from our children. We did not expect them to be perfect, but we did expect them to behave well, respect others, be ethical and respect themselves. Our children are now all adults. The last one is getting ready to fly on his own. He is ready. He is able and he is prepared because his father and I took the time. The time to let him know he was valuable through time spent and boundaries set. His older sisters are flying well, and have been for a few years. Our goal as parents in designing a healthy family was to help each of our children become strong, capable, loving people all their own. People who will make a difference in this world through what they do and who they are. To that end, I hope we have done that. I believe that we have.

Who knows? You might read about one of our daughters in a food magazine; have one of your children be taught by our daughter the teacher; and coming soon, see our son's name on the marquis of short film festivals. He has submitted his first films. He is on his way.

Our job now is to be enthusiastic supporters!

Until next time,

Pam