Hello All!
I was lying on the chiropractors bed...couch...piece of equipment...whatever it is called, and was listening to Smooth Jazz. I think that is the station of choice in all doctors offices, and began thinking about all that has to be done now that it is December and then I realized I was suppose to be relaxing!
The Spirit of Giving. That is was what this whole next few weeks is about. It does not matter what holiday you observe, or practice, or even which ones you don't. The push is on... the retailers and merchants and cyber merchants and advertisers are all over everything. Unless you live on another planet, it would be hard to miss all of this!
I do love Christmas! I love Christmas because of what it means to me and my family. I look at, Christmas as an opportunity to tell all of those people that matter most to me that I love them. I like to shop, well maybe not actually shop, but I do like to decide what gifts I think people might like. I like to anticipate the opening of the presents I have spent time looking for and planning for. I like to start each hectic period of Christmas/Holiday planning with a list of all those people that I would like to give a gift to. I know that sometimes not everyone wants some thing, they may want less, or they may want you to donate to a cause in their name. The point is, that everyone likes to receive gifts...well maybe a gift if someone is trying to keep a low carbon footprint.
In the last year, our family has grown. We now have two additional participants! My daughter is engaged and my son is engaged. With that I get the chance to think about two new people, learn what they like and then try to figure out how to celebrate them through the gifts I choose, in a way that hopes to make them happy. I look forward to this new challenge. I am spending time trying to think about what each one of these people would like and the message that the gifts I choose send to them.
Hmm... the message that the gift sends. The Spirit of Giving. I am working on figuring out how to channel the inner Santa in me that likes to truly go over the top. I am the kind of person who thinks more is better on Christmas morning. I like to think that a large number of packages under the tree is a ton of fun! I still like to count them all and make sure that each person has the same number of packages to open. That of course can lend itself to pure gluttony on my part! I love it, my husband tolerates it and does not ask how much the tally is, because he secretly loves it too. He loves the response on the faces of the gift recipients. He wrote me a beautiful card last year thanking me for all the time and thought I put into trying to make everyone's Christmas fabulous. That is my goal...a daunting one!
This is what I am working on now. ( We did participate in a bit of "Black Friday" shopping last week while my family was out in New York, and then quickly ran back to our hotel and hid.) I am working on figuring out the right kind of giving for each person involved in our family now. My kids, although they are now all adults, are used to my over the top behavior. They are use to me making sure that everyone has the same number of packages and I hope, and actually believe that they delight in this strategy. Now, I am trying to invite the new members of our family into the fold. I want them to have the same number of packages. I want them to know that in doing that, I am trying to make them realize that they are now part of this group...The Saxelbys...plural.
It is tricky this Spirit of Giving thing. What works for me, may not be the ideal for anyone else. Or, what has been the practice for our family, may not be ideal for someone else. So, what I am attempting to do now in the next weeks of planning and buying and preparing, is to pause...yes, pause and think about what works. What works for the people I love most and the people that they love most, and are inviting to be a part of our family. I want to make sure that in the Spirit of Giving, I am truly thinking about it from the perspective of who I am hoping to give to. I think that is it! Hmm...thinking of others.
The Spirit of Giving. In the crazy run up to the holidays, and it is often a true sprint...pause. Pause and think about what message you want to send, what gift sends the type of message you are opening to give, and then enjoy. Maybe the best gift is as simple and lovely as the gift of time. The time to truly enjoy the ones that matter most to you in a way that makes them happy. Time to pause, time to relax, time to celebrate and enjoy the gift of each other. Because, even though I still like the idea of having lots and lots of presents for everyone I love, that is not the true gift. The true gift is the gift of family, and love and time.
The Spirit of Giving....the gift of ourselves to each other. With each holiday season, learning, growing, evolving, celebrating. Celebrating the changes, celebrating people, celebrating time. Time to enjoy those we love most.
Ah Ha! That is it! The best gift, the perfect gift....each other!
Until next time!
Pam
Friday, December 2, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Through it all...
Hi all!
I have been thinking as usual, about what to write over these past few weeks. I made a list of titles and thoughts and kept adding to it. I have a whole index card, my high tech method for keeping ideas, of bits and pieces of concepts, and suggestions and maybes. However, and that is my new word of choice instead of but, nothing really inspired me until this morning.
Over this past weekend we had a lot going on! We celebrated engagements, and then worried about someone who had a scary thing happen. We hugged and laughed and smiled and then worried, and hugged and thankfully, smiled again!
Through it all! Life is a series of events that I would like to think I can control, but of course I realize that I am delusional if I believe that is even remotely possible. The older I get, and of course I have to admit I now have to check that box off on forms that says "Age 55 and up", I realize that life gets messier and messier. There is no line, or box or compartment or day or week or month that anyone can count on being what they had planned. There are no guarantees.
When I was a mom of younger children, my focus was on making sure my kids were well taken care of. Now that I am a mom of adult children, that focus has not changed. It just has a different face. My face of course has more lines, though I am attempting to hold them at bay with lots of assist from a good dermatologist, but the structure of the face is the same. Since my children arrived on this earth, my primary goal has been to help them in and through life. Life changes. Life evolves for them and for me.
When kids are little our focus is more on the day to day. The more mundane, perhaps of feeding and bathing and clothing etc. However, to a young mom, there is probably nothing mundane about some of those needs. I know one new mom who is trying to help her husband relax and not worry too much about the type of baby lotion they use. He is being careful about what to put on his new baby. As a mom of adults, I can smile at that, but not value it any less. It is important to him in his evolution as a father.
Now that my kids are all adults, there are times when I have many days of peace. I do not have the day to day worries of care. I can go about my business and feel relatively secure that everyone is good, everything is fine. That is, until you get a phone call. When you get THAT phone call, and all of you who are parents of adults know what I am talking about, life stops for a minute, you listen, and evaluate and then do. You do what you need to do and are asked to do and what is important to do for the person on the other end of the line, namely, your adult child asking you to help them.
We had just such an event this past weekend. Thankfully and gratefully, everyone and everything is fine now. However, during the time of events like what happened this past weekend, you realize that even as your children grow and become grown, they need you... they always need you. They need you for different reasons throughout the stages of their lives, but don't ever kid yourself, they need you.
Children need parents. Without parents, there would be no children and without children, there would be no parents. Through it all, we are all in this wonderful game of life together. Helping, guiding, and most of all...loving.
Loving, the most important concept though it all. Loving means parents will do whatever is needed, whatever is important whatever is asked for, or maybe not even asked for because you know your kids need it and they need your help. So good parents, love your kids well. Love them well at every stage of their lives.
O.K... I am going to go get a wonderfully relaxing cup of coffee now. I am going to celebrate that at this very moment, everyone I love, everyone my children love, everyone in our growing family that we all love is fine....
Hmm....maybe I spoke too soon. My son just called me, and then realized he was getting pulled over on the highway!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHH........
Until next time,
Pam
Until next time,
Pam
I have been thinking as usual, about what to write over these past few weeks. I made a list of titles and thoughts and kept adding to it. I have a whole index card, my high tech method for keeping ideas, of bits and pieces of concepts, and suggestions and maybes. However, and that is my new word of choice instead of but, nothing really inspired me until this morning.
Over this past weekend we had a lot going on! We celebrated engagements, and then worried about someone who had a scary thing happen. We hugged and laughed and smiled and then worried, and hugged and thankfully, smiled again!
Through it all! Life is a series of events that I would like to think I can control, but of course I realize that I am delusional if I believe that is even remotely possible. The older I get, and of course I have to admit I now have to check that box off on forms that says "Age 55 and up", I realize that life gets messier and messier. There is no line, or box or compartment or day or week or month that anyone can count on being what they had planned. There are no guarantees.
When I was a mom of younger children, my focus was on making sure my kids were well taken care of. Now that I am a mom of adult children, that focus has not changed. It just has a different face. My face of course has more lines, though I am attempting to hold them at bay with lots of assist from a good dermatologist, but the structure of the face is the same. Since my children arrived on this earth, my primary goal has been to help them in and through life. Life changes. Life evolves for them and for me.
When kids are little our focus is more on the day to day. The more mundane, perhaps of feeding and bathing and clothing etc. However, to a young mom, there is probably nothing mundane about some of those needs. I know one new mom who is trying to help her husband relax and not worry too much about the type of baby lotion they use. He is being careful about what to put on his new baby. As a mom of adults, I can smile at that, but not value it any less. It is important to him in his evolution as a father.
Now that my kids are all adults, there are times when I have many days of peace. I do not have the day to day worries of care. I can go about my business and feel relatively secure that everyone is good, everything is fine. That is, until you get a phone call. When you get THAT phone call, and all of you who are parents of adults know what I am talking about, life stops for a minute, you listen, and evaluate and then do. You do what you need to do and are asked to do and what is important to do for the person on the other end of the line, namely, your adult child asking you to help them.
We had just such an event this past weekend. Thankfully and gratefully, everyone and everything is fine now. However, during the time of events like what happened this past weekend, you realize that even as your children grow and become grown, they need you... they always need you. They need you for different reasons throughout the stages of their lives, but don't ever kid yourself, they need you.
Children need parents. Without parents, there would be no children and without children, there would be no parents. Through it all, we are all in this wonderful game of life together. Helping, guiding, and most of all...loving.
Loving, the most important concept though it all. Loving means parents will do whatever is needed, whatever is important whatever is asked for, or maybe not even asked for because you know your kids need it and they need your help. So good parents, love your kids well. Love them well at every stage of their lives.
O.K... I am going to go get a wonderfully relaxing cup of coffee now. I am going to celebrate that at this very moment, everyone I love, everyone my children love, everyone in our growing family that we all love is fine....
Hmm....maybe I spoke too soon. My son just called me, and then realized he was getting pulled over on the highway!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHH........
Until next time,
Pam
Until next time,
Pam
Friday, October 7, 2011
Transitions
Hello All!
I seem to be spending more and more time thinking about what I want to write these days. I have been thinking about transitions and writing down ideas, and sentences and thoughts for a while. Today is the day I decided to sit down and attempt to put all of it together!
Fall... a natural transition. The time of year that we move from one season into another. A time of year when kids and families move from one grade, or school or time of life into another. A time when kids naturally move from home, to preschool to elementary school, to junior high to high school to college... and beyond! I have been thinking about this as the school year starts for me and the little ones I work with. I saw somewhere the idea that in preschool, kids are learning to do school. I think that is right. Little ones, and parents are learning how to embrace and navigate this next phase of life. Transitioning to new school and life experiences in preschool.
When you transition into preschool and all that brings, a new phase of life starts for kids and for parents. That inevitable process of letting go on the parents part. Deciding how to help your kids become able and more competent, to " fly on their own." At this time of life, kids really are looking to their parents, in my opinion, to get the validation they need that they can do this. They can go to school, and be away from their parents, and that life will be good, actually even better because of all the new and fun stuff they will get to do!
As parents, when we first drop those little ones off, it is a big transition for us as well. We all have our own feelings as we leave our kids with someone else, wave goodbye and maybe even shed a tear. I have one Mom this year who left her youngest, and boy, I know that is a new, exciting and yet hard time! Our kids are flying, they don't need us in the same ways that they have in the past. They can navigate the world around them on their terms, ready to try out this new school and all the new toys and the new kids they get to meet. Yet, this transition can be challenging for us grownups as we realize we need to figure out how to evolve and move to the next stage of parenting ourselves! I have this saying that I like to let go of my children like peeling glue off one's hand....I eventually do it, and it doesn't hurt too much, but I do it slowly! :)
Transitions in parenting occur every day and every week and every month and of course, every year. As our kids grow they need different things from us. When they are little, they need us to help with their most basic needs for survival, and they as they grow, they need us less for those needs, and more for their emotional and psychological and needs. Bigger kids, bigger problems, or as maybe the optimist in my we would say, bigger opportunities!
I watched the TV show Glee the other evening, and wrote down a thought after seeing this last episode. In the show this week a student was struggling with his true passion and his desire to pursue what he believes his life's work should be. The thing that he loves, dance, is the exact opposite of what his father loves, business. His father has given him the message that dance is fine for play, but not fine for his life work. I punched the sky and whooped when this young man's mother came to school, and watched him dance, and then told him she would help him talk to his father. Together, they would begin the process of making his father see that what is his son needs, is not what he the father needs. That will require a huge transition!
Transitions. Part of life that is always occurring. We have to transition each day from sleep to wakefulness. From morning to afternoon, from day to night. With each step of loving and parenting, we have to transition as well. How we do that make all the difference.
I am at the stage of parenting now that requires my husband and myself to transition more each day into counselor, hopefully a sage counselor, at least that is what I am attempting to become. My kids, all grownups, do not need my husband and myself to help with their basic survival. They can cover all of that on their own. Our job now is to help them as needed. Be able to provide an ear to listen, or two, depending on the situation. This transition, if you think about it, is the phase that will last the longest. As parents, we spend 18 years helping our kids get to the stage where they are able and ready to leave. Leave for college, or leave for work, or leave for the military, whatever the next transition is at that time of our kids lives. The next 70 years :) is about assisting, guiding and being there as needed. I said 70 years because of course by that time our 18 year olds would be 88! We, unless we have super bio genes, or they develop some new krio-freeze, will be long gone! My point is, that guiding, loving and being there, this is what our kids need, always. With each and every transition of our families and our kids lives and our lives, those qualities help our kids and us become who we need to be next. And, of course along the way, celebrate. Celebrate each and every transition that is made and navigated successfully!
Maybe our true purpose as parents, good parents, is to help our kids navigate all the transitions of life in the most positive, healthy, loving and successful way they can. Maybe we do that by loving unconditionally, being always present in our kids lives, filling up their buckets with good stuff, and letting them know we are there and always will be. Hmm..
I think I may be onto something. Just last night, my daughter called to chat and share that she is being asked to take on a new role at work. One that requires transitioning from educator to mentor. I am sure she is up to this task. I am sure she will navigate it well.
Learning to do new.....Transitioning. Important. Being open, making our kids able and eager to see what lies ahead and knowing they can and will figure it out ...maybe THAT is the best gift we can give our kids!
Until next time,
Pam
I seem to be spending more and more time thinking about what I want to write these days. I have been thinking about transitions and writing down ideas, and sentences and thoughts for a while. Today is the day I decided to sit down and attempt to put all of it together!
Fall... a natural transition. The time of year that we move from one season into another. A time of year when kids and families move from one grade, or school or time of life into another. A time when kids naturally move from home, to preschool to elementary school, to junior high to high school to college... and beyond! I have been thinking about this as the school year starts for me and the little ones I work with. I saw somewhere the idea that in preschool, kids are learning to do school. I think that is right. Little ones, and parents are learning how to embrace and navigate this next phase of life. Transitioning to new school and life experiences in preschool.
When you transition into preschool and all that brings, a new phase of life starts for kids and for parents. That inevitable process of letting go on the parents part. Deciding how to help your kids become able and more competent, to " fly on their own." At this time of life, kids really are looking to their parents, in my opinion, to get the validation they need that they can do this. They can go to school, and be away from their parents, and that life will be good, actually even better because of all the new and fun stuff they will get to do!
As parents, when we first drop those little ones off, it is a big transition for us as well. We all have our own feelings as we leave our kids with someone else, wave goodbye and maybe even shed a tear. I have one Mom this year who left her youngest, and boy, I know that is a new, exciting and yet hard time! Our kids are flying, they don't need us in the same ways that they have in the past. They can navigate the world around them on their terms, ready to try out this new school and all the new toys and the new kids they get to meet. Yet, this transition can be challenging for us grownups as we realize we need to figure out how to evolve and move to the next stage of parenting ourselves! I have this saying that I like to let go of my children like peeling glue off one's hand....I eventually do it, and it doesn't hurt too much, but I do it slowly! :)
Transitions in parenting occur every day and every week and every month and of course, every year. As our kids grow they need different things from us. When they are little, they need us to help with their most basic needs for survival, and they as they grow, they need us less for those needs, and more for their emotional and psychological and needs. Bigger kids, bigger problems, or as maybe the optimist in my we would say, bigger opportunities!
I watched the TV show Glee the other evening, and wrote down a thought after seeing this last episode. In the show this week a student was struggling with his true passion and his desire to pursue what he believes his life's work should be. The thing that he loves, dance, is the exact opposite of what his father loves, business. His father has given him the message that dance is fine for play, but not fine for his life work. I punched the sky and whooped when this young man's mother came to school, and watched him dance, and then told him she would help him talk to his father. Together, they would begin the process of making his father see that what is his son needs, is not what he the father needs. That will require a huge transition!
Transitions. Part of life that is always occurring. We have to transition each day from sleep to wakefulness. From morning to afternoon, from day to night. With each step of loving and parenting, we have to transition as well. How we do that make all the difference.
I am at the stage of parenting now that requires my husband and myself to transition more each day into counselor, hopefully a sage counselor, at least that is what I am attempting to become. My kids, all grownups, do not need my husband and myself to help with their basic survival. They can cover all of that on their own. Our job now is to help them as needed. Be able to provide an ear to listen, or two, depending on the situation. This transition, if you think about it, is the phase that will last the longest. As parents, we spend 18 years helping our kids get to the stage where they are able and ready to leave. Leave for college, or leave for work, or leave for the military, whatever the next transition is at that time of our kids lives. The next 70 years :) is about assisting, guiding and being there as needed. I said 70 years because of course by that time our 18 year olds would be 88! We, unless we have super bio genes, or they develop some new krio-freeze, will be long gone! My point is, that guiding, loving and being there, this is what our kids need, always. With each and every transition of our families and our kids lives and our lives, those qualities help our kids and us become who we need to be next. And, of course along the way, celebrate. Celebrate each and every transition that is made and navigated successfully!
Maybe our true purpose as parents, good parents, is to help our kids navigate all the transitions of life in the most positive, healthy, loving and successful way they can. Maybe we do that by loving unconditionally, being always present in our kids lives, filling up their buckets with good stuff, and letting them know we are there and always will be. Hmm..
I think I may be onto something. Just last night, my daughter called to chat and share that she is being asked to take on a new role at work. One that requires transitioning from educator to mentor. I am sure she is up to this task. I am sure she will navigate it well.
Learning to do new.....Transitioning. Important. Being open, making our kids able and eager to see what lies ahead and knowing they can and will figure it out ...maybe THAT is the best gift we can give our kids!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wishes and Dream
Hello All!
Hope everyone is well and enjoyed summer. Can't quite believe it is over...almost!
As Autumn approaches, and I start to get ready for a new school year where I have the delightful (my new favorite word) opportunity to meet new children and new families, I take pause to think about wishes and dreams. Lofty things they are!
Every parent has a wish and a dream for each of their children. I would hazard a guess and say that most parents have many wishes and dreams for their kids! If a parent chooses to say they don't, I would think they are fibbing. (Don't want to come right out and say they may be liars). I know that my husband and I had lots of dreams and wishes for our kids, and frankly, still do.
Our children are now all grownups and out on their own. There is a lot of satisfaction that comes from that. But just cause they are grown, does not mean that I have stopped having wishes and dreams for them in their now adult lives. On the contrary, I think my wishes and dreams are bigger, and probably loftier. I wish them life, and health and love and work that satisfies them. I know those are lofty dreams and big wishes, but those are the ones I have, and I know that my husband would agree. By the time your kids are grown, and on their own, you hope that you have shown them how to find their own ways well. I would like to think that we have done that for our kids. By all appearances, I think we have. Yet, each day I start my day with a prayer that our children will find their way well and through the opportunities and challenges life may present that day.
When kids are little, we can control more of their lives and what components are in them. We get to pick their preschool, we get to decide what type of elementary education they will have, public or private, we get to guide them all the way through the process of picking the right college. Then, they leave! At this point you have spent countless hours wishing and dreaming for your kids and the type of life they will have. Parents, you will have invested hours too numerous to calculate, trying to guide your children to the path that seems best for them, and may even have had to step back as your growing child chose a path that may have been different from the one you had hoped. That is the problem, and the opportunity for us as our children grow. Parents who take time through the process of their child's life to evaluate, and re-evaluate, what are the wishes and dreams you have for your children, and what are their wishes and dreams. With each year your child grows, those paths may not be convergent, and their lies the growth for us as adults and parents. How to know when to put our wishes and dreams aside, and embrace those of our children.
Now, if your preschool child wishes to jump of the high dive at the pool because your older child did it, that does not mean you need to allow them to. I am being silly of course, but my thought is that common sense and good judgement are always the guides to letting go and allowing our children to be more in charge of themselves. As each child grows, we can look and evaluate and let go, and pull in or pull back as needed. I know a good friend of mine is going through a struggle with her teenage daughter, and so has decided she needs to pull her back in some. That may not be the wish or dream of her daughter, and yet it is the parent's job to assess delicately what is the right thing to do. Ultimately, through respect and love our kids see that what we are trying to do is help them find their own way well. A path that will lead them to realizing their dreams and wishes. I suspect that many parents are in that process right now as a new school year begins. The art of helping their kids realize how to accomplish the wishes and dreams they have for this new year. I also really do know that as the year evolves, goals will need to be adjusted and realigned in order for kids to accomplish what is important and necessary.
The art of parenting. I have said this before, and truly believe it. For those adults who choose to be invested, involved and educated in the process of parenting, finding the nuances of how to parent artfully is a skill and a challenge. Anyone can tell their kids what to do, but the artful parent will practice skillfully the tenets, in my opinion, of good parenting: loving unconditionally, setting apporiate limits and boundaries, using the scary word "NO", doing no harm, and ultimately helping their kids find their own way well, the path that best suits them. A path that will lead our kids to the type of life they hope for and wish for. A life that will help them realize their own dreams.
Wishing and dreaming.
I know that my husband and I have spent countless hours wishing and dreaming for our son, Bill. His hard work and pursuit of his own dreams are continuing to come true. He called me the other evening, quite excited. He then sent me and his Dad the Call sheet for the MTV project he is working on for Tuesday, August 30th. He is now listed as "Camera Operator B 2nd assist"! He has come a long way from filming his army men on the pool table in our basement!! Way to go Willow!
Wishes and dreams...they are big things. What would our lives, and the lives of our children be without them?
Until next time,
Pam
I
Hope everyone is well and enjoyed summer. Can't quite believe it is over...almost!
As Autumn approaches, and I start to get ready for a new school year where I have the delightful (my new favorite word) opportunity to meet new children and new families, I take pause to think about wishes and dreams. Lofty things they are!
Every parent has a wish and a dream for each of their children. I would hazard a guess and say that most parents have many wishes and dreams for their kids! If a parent chooses to say they don't, I would think they are fibbing. (Don't want to come right out and say they may be liars). I know that my husband and I had lots of dreams and wishes for our kids, and frankly, still do.
Our children are now all grownups and out on their own. There is a lot of satisfaction that comes from that. But just cause they are grown, does not mean that I have stopped having wishes and dreams for them in their now adult lives. On the contrary, I think my wishes and dreams are bigger, and probably loftier. I wish them life, and health and love and work that satisfies them. I know those are lofty dreams and big wishes, but those are the ones I have, and I know that my husband would agree. By the time your kids are grown, and on their own, you hope that you have shown them how to find their own ways well. I would like to think that we have done that for our kids. By all appearances, I think we have. Yet, each day I start my day with a prayer that our children will find their way well and through the opportunities and challenges life may present that day.
When kids are little, we can control more of their lives and what components are in them. We get to pick their preschool, we get to decide what type of elementary education they will have, public or private, we get to guide them all the way through the process of picking the right college. Then, they leave! At this point you have spent countless hours wishing and dreaming for your kids and the type of life they will have. Parents, you will have invested hours too numerous to calculate, trying to guide your children to the path that seems best for them, and may even have had to step back as your growing child chose a path that may have been different from the one you had hoped. That is the problem, and the opportunity for us as our children grow. Parents who take time through the process of their child's life to evaluate, and re-evaluate, what are the wishes and dreams you have for your children, and what are their wishes and dreams. With each year your child grows, those paths may not be convergent, and their lies the growth for us as adults and parents. How to know when to put our wishes and dreams aside, and embrace those of our children.
Now, if your preschool child wishes to jump of the high dive at the pool because your older child did it, that does not mean you need to allow them to. I am being silly of course, but my thought is that common sense and good judgement are always the guides to letting go and allowing our children to be more in charge of themselves. As each child grows, we can look and evaluate and let go, and pull in or pull back as needed. I know a good friend of mine is going through a struggle with her teenage daughter, and so has decided she needs to pull her back in some. That may not be the wish or dream of her daughter, and yet it is the parent's job to assess delicately what is the right thing to do. Ultimately, through respect and love our kids see that what we are trying to do is help them find their own way well. A path that will lead them to realizing their dreams and wishes. I suspect that many parents are in that process right now as a new school year begins. The art of helping their kids realize how to accomplish the wishes and dreams they have for this new year. I also really do know that as the year evolves, goals will need to be adjusted and realigned in order for kids to accomplish what is important and necessary.
The art of parenting. I have said this before, and truly believe it. For those adults who choose to be invested, involved and educated in the process of parenting, finding the nuances of how to parent artfully is a skill and a challenge. Anyone can tell their kids what to do, but the artful parent will practice skillfully the tenets, in my opinion, of good parenting: loving unconditionally, setting apporiate limits and boundaries, using the scary word "NO", doing no harm, and ultimately helping their kids find their own way well, the path that best suits them. A path that will lead our kids to the type of life they hope for and wish for. A life that will help them realize their own dreams.
Wishing and dreaming.
I know that my husband and I have spent countless hours wishing and dreaming for our son, Bill. His hard work and pursuit of his own dreams are continuing to come true. He called me the other evening, quite excited. He then sent me and his Dad the Call sheet for the MTV project he is working on for Tuesday, August 30th. He is now listed as "Camera Operator B 2nd assist"! He has come a long way from filming his army men on the pool table in our basement!! Way to go Willow!
Wishes and dreams...they are big things. What would our lives, and the lives of our children be without them?
Until next time,
Pam
I
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Over the top...probably...Out of line...hmmm?
Hello All!
I don't even know when I wrote the last time. I have been basically lazy this summer, and goofing around. But, yesterday, in the New York Times, there was a full page article about my daughter, Anne, which leads me to the title I chose for today's piece.
Yesterday began with my daughter's fiance calling me and my husband at 7:00 am to tell us about the article. He was so excited and proud and I loved that he chose to make the call. Anne had said she would call us later, but he took the lead and said it was time then! Again, I loved his passion and excitement.
My husband and I had an inkling that this article was going to be published sometime near the end of July. The section that the article appeared in runs on Wednesdays and we were clued into checking the paper yesterday. So, when Patrick called, we were not surprised, just really really excited!
I then chose to figure out how I could legitimately spend my day telling as many people as I could about Anne in the New York Times, the lead in title being, "The Rise of a Cheesemonger." Reading her story made me immensely proud, and that led to my perhaps over the top behavior yesterday. ( I don't know who could blame me!)
In our local Starbucks, they have a news stand that sells the New York Times. I went in and bought all that they had ( it was just 4...could have been a lot more) and then when I went to pay for them, a woman in line asked me why I was buying 4 papers....I said..."Because my kid is in it!" I don't normally talk like that, I don't even refer to my children as "my kid", those words just came out of their own accord! I then, sat down, and read the article and grinned and grinned and grinned! Here on the top of the page, was a picture of Anne smiling amongst all sorts of the cheeses that she sells, and she looked really happy and really excited! That did it for me! I wanted to take the article and the photo and walk all around the village that we live in proclaiming to all..."Look at what my daughter has done!"
As it evolved, I toned it down some, but not much. I went home and called and emailed as many friends and relatives that I could. I know that some of them thought it was truly fantastic, and truthfully, some probably thought "Oh Brother...here she goes again!" :) That is all o.k. with me.
Here is my point. Was my behavior over the top yesterday? Of course it was! Do I care? Absolutely not!!
Few people ever know the true story of children and a family except those that are in it. My daughter, and her sister and brother, have been the primary focus of my life, and my husband's as well. When we decided to have children my husband and I made the choice for one of us to be the full time parent, and in our relationship, it was me. Were there times of struggle and doubt and challenge and hair pulling? Yup. Being a good parent is the hardest job on earth.
I have said that there are as many ways as there are people to be a good parent to you kids I do not proclaim or claim to have all the answers, or the lock on raising kids. I do know that as I read the article about my daughter yesterday, and enjoyed the telling of her tale, I was happy and proud and content. I had an amazing acknowledgement that the time my husband and I put into our daughter and the struggles that occurred along the way, were worth it. Maybe some kids can thrive naturally, but I truly believe that the more effort and thought and care you put into the time you have with your kids, the more productive and complete they will become.
Not one person on earth goes through their life without struggle. Our family is no exception. We went though challenging periods of time with all 3 of our kids. Anyone who says they have not struggled while raising their children, is probably a liar or delusional! Raising kids is hard work, work that requires time and effort and thought and planning. It also involves flexibility and a little bit of luck as well. I do know, that for me, being lucky enough to have the option economically to stay home, made a big difference. I know many parents who do not have that choice or luxury. But, being a parent that stays home with your children does not guarantee success. Being a parent that is involved and loving and does the work, those are the qualities that bring success, no matter where you are, home or working outside the home.
In some of my earlier pieces, I talked about "Filling up your child's bucket" the concept of taking the time and exerting the energy to help each of your children find the path in life that works for them. I do think that if parents choose to be aware, and involved and nurturing, kids can and will find the path in life that is for them. Taking the time to notice and encourage and listen to what is important to your children, and then supporting them in their efforts will, in my opinion, go a long way to helping them become competent successful adults. Success in adulthood does not mean money. It means feeling whole, knowing yourself, all the parts of yourself. Each one of us has parts that are good, and also parts that are flawed or challenging. The successful adult accepts all of those parts, and because of and in spite of those qualities, chooses their own path with confidence, courage and strength of character.
So, yesterday I was celebrating! Celebrating a couple things. I was celebrating our daughter for who she is, what she has accomplished and most importantly, the quality of character she continues to demonstrate in her life. I was also celebrating myself, and my husband for the time and energy and love we invested in this lovely young woman. And, I was also celebrating our family, for it takes everyone to help each child grow into who they are meant to be. I know that Anne's brother and sister were equally thrilled for her, as were her grandmothers and aunts and uncles and cousins.
Children are a precious commodity. Take the time. Do the work. Be invested.
Who knows? The New York Times! Wow!
Until I get motivated again,
Pam
I don't even know when I wrote the last time. I have been basically lazy this summer, and goofing around. But, yesterday, in the New York Times, there was a full page article about my daughter, Anne, which leads me to the title I chose for today's piece.
Yesterday began with my daughter's fiance calling me and my husband at 7:00 am to tell us about the article. He was so excited and proud and I loved that he chose to make the call. Anne had said she would call us later, but he took the lead and said it was time then! Again, I loved his passion and excitement.
My husband and I had an inkling that this article was going to be published sometime near the end of July. The section that the article appeared in runs on Wednesdays and we were clued into checking the paper yesterday. So, when Patrick called, we were not surprised, just really really excited!
I then chose to figure out how I could legitimately spend my day telling as many people as I could about Anne in the New York Times, the lead in title being, "The Rise of a Cheesemonger." Reading her story made me immensely proud, and that led to my perhaps over the top behavior yesterday. ( I don't know who could blame me!)
In our local Starbucks, they have a news stand that sells the New York Times. I went in and bought all that they had ( it was just 4...could have been a lot more) and then when I went to pay for them, a woman in line asked me why I was buying 4 papers....I said..."Because my kid is in it!" I don't normally talk like that, I don't even refer to my children as "my kid", those words just came out of their own accord! I then, sat down, and read the article and grinned and grinned and grinned! Here on the top of the page, was a picture of Anne smiling amongst all sorts of the cheeses that she sells, and she looked really happy and really excited! That did it for me! I wanted to take the article and the photo and walk all around the village that we live in proclaiming to all..."Look at what my daughter has done!"
As it evolved, I toned it down some, but not much. I went home and called and emailed as many friends and relatives that I could. I know that some of them thought it was truly fantastic, and truthfully, some probably thought "Oh Brother...here she goes again!" :) That is all o.k. with me.
Here is my point. Was my behavior over the top yesterday? Of course it was! Do I care? Absolutely not!!
Few people ever know the true story of children and a family except those that are in it. My daughter, and her sister and brother, have been the primary focus of my life, and my husband's as well. When we decided to have children my husband and I made the choice for one of us to be the full time parent, and in our relationship, it was me. Were there times of struggle and doubt and challenge and hair pulling? Yup. Being a good parent is the hardest job on earth.
I have said that there are as many ways as there are people to be a good parent to you kids I do not proclaim or claim to have all the answers, or the lock on raising kids. I do know that as I read the article about my daughter yesterday, and enjoyed the telling of her tale, I was happy and proud and content. I had an amazing acknowledgement that the time my husband and I put into our daughter and the struggles that occurred along the way, were worth it. Maybe some kids can thrive naturally, but I truly believe that the more effort and thought and care you put into the time you have with your kids, the more productive and complete they will become.
Not one person on earth goes through their life without struggle. Our family is no exception. We went though challenging periods of time with all 3 of our kids. Anyone who says they have not struggled while raising their children, is probably a liar or delusional! Raising kids is hard work, work that requires time and effort and thought and planning. It also involves flexibility and a little bit of luck as well. I do know, that for me, being lucky enough to have the option economically to stay home, made a big difference. I know many parents who do not have that choice or luxury. But, being a parent that stays home with your children does not guarantee success. Being a parent that is involved and loving and does the work, those are the qualities that bring success, no matter where you are, home or working outside the home.
In some of my earlier pieces, I talked about "Filling up your child's bucket" the concept of taking the time and exerting the energy to help each of your children find the path in life that works for them. I do think that if parents choose to be aware, and involved and nurturing, kids can and will find the path in life that is for them. Taking the time to notice and encourage and listen to what is important to your children, and then supporting them in their efforts will, in my opinion, go a long way to helping them become competent successful adults. Success in adulthood does not mean money. It means feeling whole, knowing yourself, all the parts of yourself. Each one of us has parts that are good, and also parts that are flawed or challenging. The successful adult accepts all of those parts, and because of and in spite of those qualities, chooses their own path with confidence, courage and strength of character.
So, yesterday I was celebrating! Celebrating a couple things. I was celebrating our daughter for who she is, what she has accomplished and most importantly, the quality of character she continues to demonstrate in her life. I was also celebrating myself, and my husband for the time and energy and love we invested in this lovely young woman. And, I was also celebrating our family, for it takes everyone to help each child grow into who they are meant to be. I know that Anne's brother and sister were equally thrilled for her, as were her grandmothers and aunts and uncles and cousins.
Children are a precious commodity. Take the time. Do the work. Be invested.
Who knows? The New York Times! Wow!
Until I get motivated again,
Pam
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Evolution of a Parent
Hello All!
I again, have been off living life instead of sitting down and commenting on it. This morning, though, as my youngest daughter and I were conversing, I had a thought!
While talking with my youngest daughter Megan as she wrapped up another school year, it occurred to me how much of parenting is about evolving and growing through the process. The type of parent you are to your infant will not be the type of parent you are to your teenager, or to your adult child. What a great job! As a parent you get to try again every stage to get it right if you screw up the first time! I remember when our oldest child Anne, was in eighth grade and I got the inside info from another parent about shinannigans that had occurred the previous weekend. I will admit that it caused me great angst to think that my lovely daughter was messing up! The stories and situations and events that have happened since then with the growth process of our three children makes that event tame! We all made it though, through every painful and fun and hard evolution!
There we have it! As Megan was talking about watching all of her students this year struggle to find their identity as an adolescent....what a horrible painful process that can be, and what a lovely, exciting process that can be. The junior high years can be quite an ordeal....for all parties involved! Megan, herself, had quite a time of it, with me right there next to her. She of course made it through, I of course made it through, and so did both of our other children and my husband!
There is this saying that is so universal, and I think speaks to the right thought process for raising children. "Cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." Now, that does not mean that you let them do whatever they want, because that would be relinquishing your responsibilities as a parent. What it does mean is to pay attention, be involved and see what kind of paths your children might choose and help them find what fits them best, according to their lead. And even when needed, lock them up for the summer like we had to do with our oldest daughter one teenage summer...we made it through that too!
This past weekend I had the great fun of being on a trip with 4 woman I truly love. Each of them is different and each has their own personality and parenting style. The youngest of our group has a 12 year old son. He is her oldest. The phone calls she kept getting from him about where his soccer stuff was, was hysterical! She tried to keep calm, and she actually succeeded, but the rest of us were in hysterics ourselves having already passed that 12 year old mind and mentality with our children. The second youngest of the group, had phone check ins with her 17 year old, and that we all know is much more scary! She was trying to get the details of the first night of summer party for her now senior in high school...YIKES!! The other 3 of us were getting periodic check ins from our adult kids...and they were all good, which made our weekend lots more fun because we were not worrying about any of them....and we were occasionaly whooping it up they we were done with the teenage and 12 year old check ins....good thing we are all good friends or someone may have wanted to punch us!! :)
This process of parenting is lovely and wonderful and daunting. Just last month, I had the pleasure as well as the pain of having a very frank and open and hard conversation with my oldest daughter as she is planning her wedding. The conversation was a total success, and for that I am thankful, but it was also hard. I explained to Anne that having a child and being a parent is an impossible love, one she will only understand if and when she becomes a parent herself.
So, I guess my point today is to evolve. Evolve always in your own evolution of parenting and be open to the change that will be necessary for you to do the best job you can, at each and every stage along the way. Cherish your children for who they are and will become and need to become. Help them get there and be that by realizing it is about you and them growing and evolving and accepting the changes and challenges necessary to help each of you grow well....your child into an adult and you into a competent, loving example of a parent your child is proud of!
Good luck! I am going to try and follow my own advice as our oldest daughter is honored by Mayor Bloomburg in New York on July 12th!
Until next time,
Pam
I again, have been off living life instead of sitting down and commenting on it. This morning, though, as my youngest daughter and I were conversing, I had a thought!
While talking with my youngest daughter Megan as she wrapped up another school year, it occurred to me how much of parenting is about evolving and growing through the process. The type of parent you are to your infant will not be the type of parent you are to your teenager, or to your adult child. What a great job! As a parent you get to try again every stage to get it right if you screw up the first time! I remember when our oldest child Anne, was in eighth grade and I got the inside info from another parent about shinannigans that had occurred the previous weekend. I will admit that it caused me great angst to think that my lovely daughter was messing up! The stories and situations and events that have happened since then with the growth process of our three children makes that event tame! We all made it though, through every painful and fun and hard evolution!
There we have it! As Megan was talking about watching all of her students this year struggle to find their identity as an adolescent....what a horrible painful process that can be, and what a lovely, exciting process that can be. The junior high years can be quite an ordeal....for all parties involved! Megan, herself, had quite a time of it, with me right there next to her. She of course made it through, I of course made it through, and so did both of our other children and my husband!
There is this saying that is so universal, and I think speaks to the right thought process for raising children. "Cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." Now, that does not mean that you let them do whatever they want, because that would be relinquishing your responsibilities as a parent. What it does mean is to pay attention, be involved and see what kind of paths your children might choose and help them find what fits them best, according to their lead. And even when needed, lock them up for the summer like we had to do with our oldest daughter one teenage summer...we made it through that too!
This past weekend I had the great fun of being on a trip with 4 woman I truly love. Each of them is different and each has their own personality and parenting style. The youngest of our group has a 12 year old son. He is her oldest. The phone calls she kept getting from him about where his soccer stuff was, was hysterical! She tried to keep calm, and she actually succeeded, but the rest of us were in hysterics ourselves having already passed that 12 year old mind and mentality with our children. The second youngest of the group, had phone check ins with her 17 year old, and that we all know is much more scary! She was trying to get the details of the first night of summer party for her now senior in high school...YIKES!! The other 3 of us were getting periodic check ins from our adult kids...and they were all good, which made our weekend lots more fun because we were not worrying about any of them....and we were occasionaly whooping it up they we were done with the teenage and 12 year old check ins....good thing we are all good friends or someone may have wanted to punch us!! :)
This process of parenting is lovely and wonderful and daunting. Just last month, I had the pleasure as well as the pain of having a very frank and open and hard conversation with my oldest daughter as she is planning her wedding. The conversation was a total success, and for that I am thankful, but it was also hard. I explained to Anne that having a child and being a parent is an impossible love, one she will only understand if and when she becomes a parent herself.
So, I guess my point today is to evolve. Evolve always in your own evolution of parenting and be open to the change that will be necessary for you to do the best job you can, at each and every stage along the way. Cherish your children for who they are and will become and need to become. Help them get there and be that by realizing it is about you and them growing and evolving and accepting the changes and challenges necessary to help each of you grow well....your child into an adult and you into a competent, loving example of a parent your child is proud of!
Good luck! I am going to try and follow my own advice as our oldest daughter is honored by Mayor Bloomburg in New York on July 12th!
Until next time,
Pam
Monday, May 9, 2011
Yes, It Is Personal!.....BUT
Hello All!
So, it has been a long while since I sat down to write what I think on this blog that I hope has some value and if not, I will continue to delude myself into thinking that is does!
I have been rambling around the world..(YES! I got to travel to London for THE Wedding) and then went on to New York for wedding planning with my oldest, and then onto Cleveland for LaCrosse Coach viewing and car buying with our youngest daughter. Along, the way I have been percolating different ideas, and am keeping them written down in a good and safe place, as long as my memory holds, I will discuss those at a later date! But.. today, I was reading an article in the most intelligent of magazines, Bazaar, of course I am being self deprecating with the intelligence part. However, while perusing, I ran across and article about NEW YORK MOTHERS AND THE INSANITY THAT ENTAILS.
I have talked before about what I believe it takes to help your children become all they can be. I truly do believe that it takes a lot of work and of course commitment to do the job well. As I was reading though, I came across the question of what is the right motivation for mothering? Of course, we all just celebrated Mother's Day and hopefully got lots of accolades from our own children about the job we did, or at least are attempting to do.
The article in Bazaar addresses the manic behavior that is the Manhattan mother in this case. (Whew...glad that I did not have to experience that!....Hooterville was hard enough!) The woman who are the mothers of small children in this piece are all about elite preschools, nannies, the right clubs, and the right path to get their children into the most prestigious colleges in about 15 years. Man! I could barely think about what to do for the next day's dinner, yet alone plan that far in advance!
I guess my point is what is the motivation behind these mothers? While I continued to read the piece, and laugh at how outrageous some of the scenarios were, I realized that it is all personal. It is hard to separate ourselves, as Mothers, from the quality and success and outcome of our children's lives.
The author, Molly Jong-Fast, spoke to this exact point. At the end of the article she talked about winning, and how competitive it is in the Manhattan mothering circles, to raise your kids. That some of these uber high powered and successful mothers have a hard time separating themselves from the success, or lack of success that their children achieve, and that is the crux of the problem with all this crazy over the top mothering.
I think she is onto something! But, you do not have to be a super uber successful hight powered Manhattan mother to get trapped into this scenario! I do believe I have found myself in that same thought process! Yes, I admit it. I love getting accolades from people in my childrens lives about the type and quality of person they are! Just this past weekend when my husband and I were in Cleveland, where our youngest daughter is a teacher and coach at a wonderful middle school, I had the chance to talk with parents who complimented me and my husband on our daughter and the impact she has made on the kids she works with. YES! ( I said to myself!) we have done a good job with this one! (Actually, I think we have done a good job with all 3 of our children...if you ask me:) ) It was wonderful basking in the glory of a job well done, and it certainly also helped that it was a glorious sunny day! But...here is what I am thinking. It gets tricky when you link yourself so personally to your children.
We, in my opinion, as parents are all required to do the best job we can. It is important once you bring this new person into the world to take care of them well.....all of them, and all parts of them. Parents need to nurture and love their children in their physical, emotional, spiritual and mental development, and yes, try hard to do a good job. In this process though, the tricky part becomes how to do all of that well, and yet....here is the clincher, NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!! THAT, is the hard part!
Yes, it is fine to bask in the glory of your child's success, (I just did that!:) But, remember that your ultimate job is to create a child in their own image, not yours. I have said before, we already got to do that. We got to create our own lives, and hopefully still are. The best parents use their energies to create kids not in their own image, but help them find their own path and the way that is best for them. My husband and I have 3 kids, all grown ups. They each have chosen a different path, a path that works for them. The pathways have not always been straight, or without angst, but they have been paths of their own choosing.
And, right now, as of this moment and day, they are all doing well! I never knew we would have a cheesemonger, an educator, and a filmmaker....ok I sort of guessed on 2 of them, but still, I did not choose for them, they choose for themselves.
So, it's ok to be excited about your kids and relish when they do well, and even pat yourself on the back. But, in the long run, remember, it is their life to lead. Help them find the right way and the path that is meant for them. Relish the fact then, that your children are leading lives of their own design....you may have helped pick out the design books and made some suggestions, but the ultimate choice is theirs!
If you want to win, maybe take up tennis or golf, or ballroom dancing!
Until next time,
Pam
So, it has been a long while since I sat down to write what I think on this blog that I hope has some value and if not, I will continue to delude myself into thinking that is does!
I have been rambling around the world..(YES! I got to travel to London for THE Wedding) and then went on to New York for wedding planning with my oldest, and then onto Cleveland for LaCrosse Coach viewing and car buying with our youngest daughter. Along, the way I have been percolating different ideas, and am keeping them written down in a good and safe place, as long as my memory holds, I will discuss those at a later date! But.. today, I was reading an article in the most intelligent of magazines, Bazaar, of course I am being self deprecating with the intelligence part. However, while perusing, I ran across and article about NEW YORK MOTHERS AND THE INSANITY THAT ENTAILS.
I have talked before about what I believe it takes to help your children become all they can be. I truly do believe that it takes a lot of work and of course commitment to do the job well. As I was reading though, I came across the question of what is the right motivation for mothering? Of course, we all just celebrated Mother's Day and hopefully got lots of accolades from our own children about the job we did, or at least are attempting to do.
The article in Bazaar addresses the manic behavior that is the Manhattan mother in this case. (Whew...glad that I did not have to experience that!....Hooterville was hard enough!) The woman who are the mothers of small children in this piece are all about elite preschools, nannies, the right clubs, and the right path to get their children into the most prestigious colleges in about 15 years. Man! I could barely think about what to do for the next day's dinner, yet alone plan that far in advance!
I guess my point is what is the motivation behind these mothers? While I continued to read the piece, and laugh at how outrageous some of the scenarios were, I realized that it is all personal. It is hard to separate ourselves, as Mothers, from the quality and success and outcome of our children's lives.
The author, Molly Jong-Fast, spoke to this exact point. At the end of the article she talked about winning, and how competitive it is in the Manhattan mothering circles, to raise your kids. That some of these uber high powered and successful mothers have a hard time separating themselves from the success, or lack of success that their children achieve, and that is the crux of the problem with all this crazy over the top mothering.
I think she is onto something! But, you do not have to be a super uber successful hight powered Manhattan mother to get trapped into this scenario! I do believe I have found myself in that same thought process! Yes, I admit it. I love getting accolades from people in my childrens lives about the type and quality of person they are! Just this past weekend when my husband and I were in Cleveland, where our youngest daughter is a teacher and coach at a wonderful middle school, I had the chance to talk with parents who complimented me and my husband on our daughter and the impact she has made on the kids she works with. YES! ( I said to myself!) we have done a good job with this one! (Actually, I think we have done a good job with all 3 of our children...if you ask me:) ) It was wonderful basking in the glory of a job well done, and it certainly also helped that it was a glorious sunny day! But...here is what I am thinking. It gets tricky when you link yourself so personally to your children.
We, in my opinion, as parents are all required to do the best job we can. It is important once you bring this new person into the world to take care of them well.....all of them, and all parts of them. Parents need to nurture and love their children in their physical, emotional, spiritual and mental development, and yes, try hard to do a good job. In this process though, the tricky part becomes how to do all of that well, and yet....here is the clincher, NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!! THAT, is the hard part!
Yes, it is fine to bask in the glory of your child's success, (I just did that!:) But, remember that your ultimate job is to create a child in their own image, not yours. I have said before, we already got to do that. We got to create our own lives, and hopefully still are. The best parents use their energies to create kids not in their own image, but help them find their own path and the way that is best for them. My husband and I have 3 kids, all grown ups. They each have chosen a different path, a path that works for them. The pathways have not always been straight, or without angst, but they have been paths of their own choosing.
And, right now, as of this moment and day, they are all doing well! I never knew we would have a cheesemonger, an educator, and a filmmaker....ok I sort of guessed on 2 of them, but still, I did not choose for them, they choose for themselves.
So, it's ok to be excited about your kids and relish when they do well, and even pat yourself on the back. But, in the long run, remember, it is their life to lead. Help them find the right way and the path that is meant for them. Relish the fact then, that your children are leading lives of their own design....you may have helped pick out the design books and made some suggestions, but the ultimate choice is theirs!
If you want to win, maybe take up tennis or golf, or ballroom dancing!
Until next time,
Pam
Monday, March 21, 2011
To Adolescence and Beyond!
Hi All!
Last week my daughter, Megan, told me that some of her parents, she is a teacher in Ohio, and teaches eighth grade, actually read my blog and had asked for thoughts about parenting kids in junior high...aka the "crazy" years!
I laughed because she told me that I could use her as an example, and share what her Dad and I went through with her during middle school, and really until she was about 16-17. It seemed to be done by then. I can tell you in all honesty and with a straight face, that she was HORRIBLE! O.k. she is lovely and sweet and cute and intelligent and actually great,...but not then. Well, I suppose she was great then too, because I do love her and did love her during all of that time, but I did not like being around her that much then. She often gave me a stomachache. I never knew who she was going to be or what was going to happen and what was going to come out of her mouth.
I bet there are lots of parents who have young adolescents who feel the same way. You take this cute lovely baby home from the hospital and no one tells you that in all too short of a time you may want to bring him/her back and ask for a refund. I guess they don't give refunds do they? You have to take what you get and make the most out of it!
Here is my story. When Megan was little she was so easy! She slept for 7 hours her first night home from the hospital. I of course did not get any sleep cause I kept checking to make sure she was not dead! I mean, come on...what baby sleeps for 7 hours their first night home? I know that my husband slept well too. He was more sane and actually thought "Wow" how great that this baby sleeps. She was an anomaly because her older sister, 2 at the time that Megan was born, actually had not slept much at all when she was first home... maybe an hour at a time. I think my husband thought that this time we had struck some sort of jackpot because this baby girl was a sleeper!! YAHOO!!!
Actually Megan was easy! She did not do all the things that "terrible two's do". Her older sister did all that. Megan was easy going, and happy, and a good sleeper and agreeable. Everyone commented on how sweet she was and what a lovely affable child she was. This pretty much continued throughout her childhood years. I was blindsided! I thought that this was her personality, and what a great gift I had gotten as a parent!
My happy thoughts changed fast! As Megan was approaching 10-11, I began to see a change. Actually her brother probably spotted it first. Bill is 5 years younger than Megan... and was beginning to get all the fall out that comes from having a sister that much older than you, who suddenly turns on you! He did have the wisdom to take the time to write a "To Do" note to himself one night, and leave it on the island in our kitchen. His note said quote" note to self...kill Megan in her sleep tonight.." of course he did not spell as proficiently as I just did, but that was the content of the note. He, I think was the first one of the family to really begin to feel the wrath of 11 year old Megan! She did all sorts of stuff to him. I remember we used to call Megan the silent terrorist. She was good at wreaking havoc on her brother...sometimes her sister too, but mostly her brother.
When all this behavior began, I was at a loss. How could this all be coming from my lovely little girl? O.K., she was getting bigger, and entering that danger zone...preteen...but I thought surely my lovely Megan would continue being the sweet person she had always been.
HELLO! What was I thinking??? I guess that is the point. When your child enters this phase of life it is like an alien life force has swooped down and inhabited your child without you knowing. Kind of like one of those movies with Sigourney Weaver when she is fighting off the alien trying to take over her body.
When kids enter this time of life, it takes them and you by surprise. The person you knew, or thought you knew, is still there, but the problem is they are trying to get out and figure out life on all new terms. All of a sudden a lot has snuck up on your kids! Hormones, zits, boys, girls, group dating, school dances, WHOA!! Your child is thrown into a whole new program, and they do not have a clue how to navigate it or begin to write their own code. Remember how hard it was for you? Yikes, I remember not having a clue...and truly being a big nerd, when all I wanted was to be one of the "cool" kids. But, then the "cool kids" have all sorts of problems too. They have to figure out how to stay in the cool group and not be excommunicated for fear of nerdness. Would you want to go back to that phase of life? I know that I wouldn't! Boy, that time was hard, and I have to imagine even in the age of all that has changed and progressed now, it can't be any easier.
I use to see Meg's bus coming down the street and begin to feel physically ill. Really, I did. I am not making this up! I would see her bus approaching our house and think "OH, boy...here she comes!" I never knew what to expect. Would she be happy, would she be surly, would she talk, would she say nothing? It was like living in never never land. I never knew who was going to get off that bus. Well, actually I did, I just didn't know what form she would be in!
I know that I tried a lot of different things. I tried being happy, I tried being quiet, I tried being helpful. Sometimes one of these tactics would work, but just as often as not, they didn't. I would spend lots of time trying to figure out why, but the answer really is, there is no answer. When kids are going through this trying period of life, the only thing that will really help is time. The time it takes for each child to find their own way through this period. I think after all the things Megan and I went through, I even pretended to call the Department of Children and Family Services one night because I was out of ideas on how to make her comply with me ( actually I was calling the weather hotline) that the best thing to do is just be there. Be there to let you kids know you love them. You love them enough to continue to set guidelines and hold them accountable for their behavior. You love them enough to not care if they get mad at you and call you a bad mother. You love them enough not to try and be their friend, they have lots of those. You love them enough to be their parent. A calm force through this time of storm (even if YOU don't feel calm).
So, hang in there with your crazy adolescents. They can't help it. They are suppose to be doing all that they are doing right now, so that they can get through this time and find their way well into adulthood.
Just think, if kids don't act out at some phase, they may have to do it when they are 30, and THAT is not a good idea! So,
be calm, be present, be consistent and be there.
What is that old saying???? Oh yeah, this too shall pass!
Until next time,
Pam
p.s. Megan and I now have a fabulous relationship! :)
Last week my daughter, Megan, told me that some of her parents, she is a teacher in Ohio, and teaches eighth grade, actually read my blog and had asked for thoughts about parenting kids in junior high...aka the "crazy" years!
I laughed because she told me that I could use her as an example, and share what her Dad and I went through with her during middle school, and really until she was about 16-17. It seemed to be done by then. I can tell you in all honesty and with a straight face, that she was HORRIBLE! O.k. she is lovely and sweet and cute and intelligent and actually great,...but not then. Well, I suppose she was great then too, because I do love her and did love her during all of that time, but I did not like being around her that much then. She often gave me a stomachache. I never knew who she was going to be or what was going to happen and what was going to come out of her mouth.
I bet there are lots of parents who have young adolescents who feel the same way. You take this cute lovely baby home from the hospital and no one tells you that in all too short of a time you may want to bring him/her back and ask for a refund. I guess they don't give refunds do they? You have to take what you get and make the most out of it!
Here is my story. When Megan was little she was so easy! She slept for 7 hours her first night home from the hospital. I of course did not get any sleep cause I kept checking to make sure she was not dead! I mean, come on...what baby sleeps for 7 hours their first night home? I know that my husband slept well too. He was more sane and actually thought "Wow" how great that this baby sleeps. She was an anomaly because her older sister, 2 at the time that Megan was born, actually had not slept much at all when she was first home... maybe an hour at a time. I think my husband thought that this time we had struck some sort of jackpot because this baby girl was a sleeper!! YAHOO!!!
Actually Megan was easy! She did not do all the things that "terrible two's do". Her older sister did all that. Megan was easy going, and happy, and a good sleeper and agreeable. Everyone commented on how sweet she was and what a lovely affable child she was. This pretty much continued throughout her childhood years. I was blindsided! I thought that this was her personality, and what a great gift I had gotten as a parent!
My happy thoughts changed fast! As Megan was approaching 10-11, I began to see a change. Actually her brother probably spotted it first. Bill is 5 years younger than Megan... and was beginning to get all the fall out that comes from having a sister that much older than you, who suddenly turns on you! He did have the wisdom to take the time to write a "To Do" note to himself one night, and leave it on the island in our kitchen. His note said quote" note to self...kill Megan in her sleep tonight.." of course he did not spell as proficiently as I just did, but that was the content of the note. He, I think was the first one of the family to really begin to feel the wrath of 11 year old Megan! She did all sorts of stuff to him. I remember we used to call Megan the silent terrorist. She was good at wreaking havoc on her brother...sometimes her sister too, but mostly her brother.
When all this behavior began, I was at a loss. How could this all be coming from my lovely little girl? O.K., she was getting bigger, and entering that danger zone...preteen...but I thought surely my lovely Megan would continue being the sweet person she had always been.
HELLO! What was I thinking??? I guess that is the point. When your child enters this phase of life it is like an alien life force has swooped down and inhabited your child without you knowing. Kind of like one of those movies with Sigourney Weaver when she is fighting off the alien trying to take over her body.
When kids enter this time of life, it takes them and you by surprise. The person you knew, or thought you knew, is still there, but the problem is they are trying to get out and figure out life on all new terms. All of a sudden a lot has snuck up on your kids! Hormones, zits, boys, girls, group dating, school dances, WHOA!! Your child is thrown into a whole new program, and they do not have a clue how to navigate it or begin to write their own code. Remember how hard it was for you? Yikes, I remember not having a clue...and truly being a big nerd, when all I wanted was to be one of the "cool" kids. But, then the "cool kids" have all sorts of problems too. They have to figure out how to stay in the cool group and not be excommunicated for fear of nerdness. Would you want to go back to that phase of life? I know that I wouldn't! Boy, that time was hard, and I have to imagine even in the age of all that has changed and progressed now, it can't be any easier.
I use to see Meg's bus coming down the street and begin to feel physically ill. Really, I did. I am not making this up! I would see her bus approaching our house and think "OH, boy...here she comes!" I never knew what to expect. Would she be happy, would she be surly, would she talk, would she say nothing? It was like living in never never land. I never knew who was going to get off that bus. Well, actually I did, I just didn't know what form she would be in!
I know that I tried a lot of different things. I tried being happy, I tried being quiet, I tried being helpful. Sometimes one of these tactics would work, but just as often as not, they didn't. I would spend lots of time trying to figure out why, but the answer really is, there is no answer. When kids are going through this trying period of life, the only thing that will really help is time. The time it takes for each child to find their own way through this period. I think after all the things Megan and I went through, I even pretended to call the Department of Children and Family Services one night because I was out of ideas on how to make her comply with me ( actually I was calling the weather hotline) that the best thing to do is just be there. Be there to let you kids know you love them. You love them enough to continue to set guidelines and hold them accountable for their behavior. You love them enough to not care if they get mad at you and call you a bad mother. You love them enough not to try and be their friend, they have lots of those. You love them enough to be their parent. A calm force through this time of storm (even if YOU don't feel calm).
So, hang in there with your crazy adolescents. They can't help it. They are suppose to be doing all that they are doing right now, so that they can get through this time and find their way well into adulthood.
Just think, if kids don't act out at some phase, they may have to do it when they are 30, and THAT is not a good idea! So,
be calm, be present, be consistent and be there.
What is that old saying???? Oh yeah, this too shall pass!
Until next time,
Pam
p.s. Megan and I now have a fabulous relationship! :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Here I Go Again!
Hi All!
It has been quite a while since I last ranted about the "Tiger Mother." I have calmed down, and realize that I too am a bit of a tiger mother, only in a whole different sense....I am more like the big stalking tiger mother on animal planet or some show like that. The ones that like to have their cubs crawling all over them!
This past weekend I found myself in the presence of my lovely, o.k., our lovely son, because I sure did not make him all by myself. The school that I work at, is submitting a video about early childhood education to our local United Way, and I had the good fortune of having someone I know well, and really like, be able to help us out with that! My son came in town to do the filming and make the movie for us.
I had a blast! I got to be the sound assistant during the filming process, and actually only messed up a little bit. I got to introduce him to the people I work with, and got to enjoy watching him practice his art and his craft. I got to watch him interact with the big and little people he was filming and basked in the joy of it all!
After we were done, he with the filming, and me with the basking, we then had the afternoon together. I was invited to hang out with him and his best friend, who has been part of his life since he/they were 7 years old. They teased me that I would have to hide under blankets in the back seat of the car as we traveled into Chicago, so that I would not embarrass them or cramp their style! HA!
We got to the city, and then visited Kevin's apartment. Kevin is my son Bill's best friend, and his partner in lots of previous teenage shananigans, and here I was standing in this apartment, Kevin's very own big boy apartment... he actually pays for it! I watched these 2 friends, who are now young men, all grown up and realized with a great deal of satisfaction, that they are both good. They are both finding their way in this new process of adulthood. They are capable, and able and evolving well! My son is pursuing his dream of film making, Kevin his dream of becoming a business person, and future business owner. WOW! How did all that happen???
When I talk with all the young moms that I get the pleasure of knowing as I work with their small children, I am sure that I sound goofy when I tell them to cherish this time with their small ones, because it goes by sooooo very fast! I know everyone tells young parents that, people told me that too, and I thought they were a bit daft when I would have sick kids, a dad out of town and a baby yelling! BUT>>>>> it does go fast! Here I was on Friday with 2 grown up young men, somehow all that time had passed!
Now, it is Monday. Bill has gone back to New York and Kevin, I am sure is at his job. Bill is returning to the city he now lives in, to begin 2 new projects. He will be filming a maple syrup adventure from start to finish, and then at the end of March will begin working on an HBO series. He is continuing to find his way in the career he chose, and the work he loves. I take satisfaction in that, his dad and I helped him get to this point, this place in his life. We worked hard as parents in the building process of this young man, we tried our best to help him find his way and find what is important to him. I do believe we have done that!
Now... the only problem with that is that he left. Crap! Here I go again! Like I have said before, when you do your job well and right as a parent, your kids leave. I know that is a good thing, but sometimes I do believe , I wish that maybe I would have done a bad job! :) Just kidding!!!
Help your kids good parents. Help them find who they are, what they are meant to be and where they are suppose to go... in the process they will leave you, but that is only geography. They will always be in your hearts, and you will always be in theirs! My trusted friend, who is a psychologist, says that as long as you have their hearts and they have yours, it's only geography! Some people live right in the same town and never see each other because they do not want to. Somewhere along the way the process of parenting got messed up..... So don't mess up! Even when you have to put them back on that plane to leave you, CELEBRATE! You have done your job well. It is o.k. though, to shed a tear.
Until next time!
Pam
It has been quite a while since I last ranted about the "Tiger Mother." I have calmed down, and realize that I too am a bit of a tiger mother, only in a whole different sense....I am more like the big stalking tiger mother on animal planet or some show like that. The ones that like to have their cubs crawling all over them!
This past weekend I found myself in the presence of my lovely, o.k., our lovely son, because I sure did not make him all by myself. The school that I work at, is submitting a video about early childhood education to our local United Way, and I had the good fortune of having someone I know well, and really like, be able to help us out with that! My son came in town to do the filming and make the movie for us.
I had a blast! I got to be the sound assistant during the filming process, and actually only messed up a little bit. I got to introduce him to the people I work with, and got to enjoy watching him practice his art and his craft. I got to watch him interact with the big and little people he was filming and basked in the joy of it all!
After we were done, he with the filming, and me with the basking, we then had the afternoon together. I was invited to hang out with him and his best friend, who has been part of his life since he/they were 7 years old. They teased me that I would have to hide under blankets in the back seat of the car as we traveled into Chicago, so that I would not embarrass them or cramp their style! HA!
We got to the city, and then visited Kevin's apartment. Kevin is my son Bill's best friend, and his partner in lots of previous teenage shananigans, and here I was standing in this apartment, Kevin's very own big boy apartment... he actually pays for it! I watched these 2 friends, who are now young men, all grown up and realized with a great deal of satisfaction, that they are both good. They are both finding their way in this new process of adulthood. They are capable, and able and evolving well! My son is pursuing his dream of film making, Kevin his dream of becoming a business person, and future business owner. WOW! How did all that happen???
When I talk with all the young moms that I get the pleasure of knowing as I work with their small children, I am sure that I sound goofy when I tell them to cherish this time with their small ones, because it goes by sooooo very fast! I know everyone tells young parents that, people told me that too, and I thought they were a bit daft when I would have sick kids, a dad out of town and a baby yelling! BUT>>>>> it does go fast! Here I was on Friday with 2 grown up young men, somehow all that time had passed!
Now, it is Monday. Bill has gone back to New York and Kevin, I am sure is at his job. Bill is returning to the city he now lives in, to begin 2 new projects. He will be filming a maple syrup adventure from start to finish, and then at the end of March will begin working on an HBO series. He is continuing to find his way in the career he chose, and the work he loves. I take satisfaction in that, his dad and I helped him get to this point, this place in his life. We worked hard as parents in the building process of this young man, we tried our best to help him find his way and find what is important to him. I do believe we have done that!
Now... the only problem with that is that he left. Crap! Here I go again! Like I have said before, when you do your job well and right as a parent, your kids leave. I know that is a good thing, but sometimes I do believe , I wish that maybe I would have done a bad job! :) Just kidding!!!
Help your kids good parents. Help them find who they are, what they are meant to be and where they are suppose to go... in the process they will leave you, but that is only geography. They will always be in your hearts, and you will always be in theirs! My trusted friend, who is a psychologist, says that as long as you have their hearts and they have yours, it's only geography! Some people live right in the same town and never see each other because they do not want to. Somewhere along the way the process of parenting got messed up..... So don't mess up! Even when you have to put them back on that plane to leave you, CELEBRATE! You have done your job well. It is o.k. though, to shed a tear.
Until next time!
Pam
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tiger Moms????
Hello...
So, yes I think that I am going to be at war with the person or persons who wrote the book called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". I was just driving home and listened to a talk radio person say that they were going to be interviewing some moms who aspire to this concept. I don't know if I am going to take the time to listen, I do know that it bugged me enough to come home and begin to write this post.
One of my main tenets of parenting and parenting well is the idea that once you have a child and once you bring a child into this world, you, as the first person and first priority ends. Of course parents, and especially parents who choose to take on the job of parenting as their full time job, don't have to give up themselves, but I do believe, and this is of course always my opinion, you do have to set yourself aside for a while. You don't have to be the ever sacrificing mom that becomes frankly, really annoying, but you do have to be the type of Mom and in general parent who knows that your main job is to help your kids figure out their lives and themselves. To that end, BAH!!!! to this Tiger Mother concept.
As always, anything I write here is my opinion and it goes without saying that no one has to like, believe or even buy into what I am saying. But, here is the throw down. I am going to say this and say it with the fierceness that my poor old computer is experiencing right now as I pound this out. Literally, I am pounding these words out!
The concept of creating competent adults does not begin with the idea of ownership. We do not own our children. They are entrusted to us, and by my beliefs, from someone who knows a lot more than me, and is lending me these great little people to help mold into wonderful competent loving beings that will be able to go forth and make a difference in this world. I believe that the job of a good parent is to listen to their child, provide opportunities, give guidance and see what floats each child's boat. I believe that parenting is about mutual respect, parents respecting their children and from that children respect their parents. This idea of the "Tiger Mother" sounds like good old fashioned bullying.
I have an excerpt that I am reading, from the magazine called "The Week." In this excerpt Amy Chau is quoted as saying that she yells and screams at her to kids to get them to comply and even calls her kids "garbage" if they show her disrespect and threatens to burn her children's stuffed animals. Any sane person would have to question the value of what an adult who is promoting her parenting style has to say, when they admit to this type of behavior. I think this whole idea must be one that was thought up to make money, and promote herself.
The idea of parenting is not based on what we as parents want. At least in my book of parenting it isn't. Parenting of value, is based on love, unconditional love, respect, and valuing the child as a person of substance. I think that the concept of creating fully functioning adults is based on dong what is best for your kids. Being the parent, providing guidance, loving unconditionally and trying your hardest to "fill up your kids buckets" with good stuff. Good stuff that lets them know they are people of value and substance. I do not believe that anyone who chooses to call their children garbage, and writes about it, is doing any of that.
There are of course as many ways to raise kids as there are parents in this world. But, just because you have kids and are a parent does not make you a good one. Kids learn what they live. Kids develop their sense of who they are and what is important from the adults in their lives. I guess if you follow Amy Chau's thoughts you could have compliant kids, you could have kids who do what their parents say, kids who follow the path that their parent chooses for them. Is that the ultimate goal? To have children who become what the parents design?
I don't know. Call me crazy, call me soft. I think that parents are to celebrate their kids, guide their kids, love their kids, praise their kids (OH GOD FORBID!) and help them find the right path to adulthood for each of them. A path that is designed by the very person who is going to live the life. The child, the kid, the children that we are given to help develop.
My parenting manual does not include name calling,and bullying. My parenting manual DOES require that each of us who bring children into this world respect them and because of that respect, always try to be mindful of doing the right thing. The right things like helping kids discover who they are, and who they are meant to be. Children's lives are not ours to live. We already got a shot at that.
"Tiger Mother" BAH! That is just another title for adult bully!
I wonder if the department of children and family services would give her a call?
Passionately
Until next time,
Pam
So, yes I think that I am going to be at war with the person or persons who wrote the book called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". I was just driving home and listened to a talk radio person say that they were going to be interviewing some moms who aspire to this concept. I don't know if I am going to take the time to listen, I do know that it bugged me enough to come home and begin to write this post.
One of my main tenets of parenting and parenting well is the idea that once you have a child and once you bring a child into this world, you, as the first person and first priority ends. Of course parents, and especially parents who choose to take on the job of parenting as their full time job, don't have to give up themselves, but I do believe, and this is of course always my opinion, you do have to set yourself aside for a while. You don't have to be the ever sacrificing mom that becomes frankly, really annoying, but you do have to be the type of Mom and in general parent who knows that your main job is to help your kids figure out their lives and themselves. To that end, BAH!!!! to this Tiger Mother concept.
As always, anything I write here is my opinion and it goes without saying that no one has to like, believe or even buy into what I am saying. But, here is the throw down. I am going to say this and say it with the fierceness that my poor old computer is experiencing right now as I pound this out. Literally, I am pounding these words out!
The concept of creating competent adults does not begin with the idea of ownership. We do not own our children. They are entrusted to us, and by my beliefs, from someone who knows a lot more than me, and is lending me these great little people to help mold into wonderful competent loving beings that will be able to go forth and make a difference in this world. I believe that the job of a good parent is to listen to their child, provide opportunities, give guidance and see what floats each child's boat. I believe that parenting is about mutual respect, parents respecting their children and from that children respect their parents. This idea of the "Tiger Mother" sounds like good old fashioned bullying.
I have an excerpt that I am reading, from the magazine called "The Week." In this excerpt Amy Chau is quoted as saying that she yells and screams at her to kids to get them to comply and even calls her kids "garbage" if they show her disrespect and threatens to burn her children's stuffed animals. Any sane person would have to question the value of what an adult who is promoting her parenting style has to say, when they admit to this type of behavior. I think this whole idea must be one that was thought up to make money, and promote herself.
The idea of parenting is not based on what we as parents want. At least in my book of parenting it isn't. Parenting of value, is based on love, unconditional love, respect, and valuing the child as a person of substance. I think that the concept of creating fully functioning adults is based on dong what is best for your kids. Being the parent, providing guidance, loving unconditionally and trying your hardest to "fill up your kids buckets" with good stuff. Good stuff that lets them know they are people of value and substance. I do not believe that anyone who chooses to call their children garbage, and writes about it, is doing any of that.
There are of course as many ways to raise kids as there are parents in this world. But, just because you have kids and are a parent does not make you a good one. Kids learn what they live. Kids develop their sense of who they are and what is important from the adults in their lives. I guess if you follow Amy Chau's thoughts you could have compliant kids, you could have kids who do what their parents say, kids who follow the path that their parent chooses for them. Is that the ultimate goal? To have children who become what the parents design?
I don't know. Call me crazy, call me soft. I think that parents are to celebrate their kids, guide their kids, love their kids, praise their kids (OH GOD FORBID!) and help them find the right path to adulthood for each of them. A path that is designed by the very person who is going to live the life. The child, the kid, the children that we are given to help develop.
My parenting manual does not include name calling,and bullying. My parenting manual DOES require that each of us who bring children into this world respect them and because of that respect, always try to be mindful of doing the right thing. The right things like helping kids discover who they are, and who they are meant to be. Children's lives are not ours to live. We already got a shot at that.
"Tiger Mother" BAH! That is just another title for adult bully!
I wonder if the department of children and family services would give her a call?
Passionately
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
You Can't Drive the Bus!
Hello All!
Last week I sent out this preview title to anyone who might have been interested in adding ideas...then life got in the way, and we had to help my mom-in-law with some health concerns. Now all is well, and I am going to followup with what I began to put out there last week!
In all my thinking about this parenting stuff, I keep trying to figure out what the best ideas are on how to help kids become the best they can be. How do we help influence and cajole, and ultimately create adults from the small people we are first blessed with? I heard a psychologist on the Today show in a discussion about parenting, say that "Good kids come from good parents." Well, that seems easy doesn't it? HA!
The idea of "You Can't Drive the Bus" comes from the place that I am at now as a parent. A parent of adult children. I say children because they are and always will be, (perhaps to their own displeasure:) ) my children. I do not care how old children get, they are always someone's children, even if they are 100!~
I was pondering this concept because I realize that even though I continue to strive to be the type of parent who does not mingle in my children's business too much, and I do have some success at that, that I still spend such an inordinate amount of time thinking about my kids and how they are doing and hoping that their day is going well. I don't speak to my adult kids every day, sometimes I speak to all of them in one day, and sometimes I may speak with one of the three, and sometimes I may speak to none of them. The point is, they are never far from my mind. I actually think that is a good thing, but it is also a tricky thing.
Good parents give their kids roots and wings, as I have mentioned before. I think that to do that well, we can not drive the bus. So, to my original title.
When children are little we have to be ever present in their lives. This morning I had the wonderful opportunity to have coffee with a woman I am happy to call my friend. She is the mother of 2 young children and is expecting her third. Our conversations revolve around parenting. We discuss what her kids are doing, and what she has on her mind about being their mom, and what is going on in each of our lives. She is in the throws of hands on parenting. In that stage she gets the chance to really mold her kids. I say mold, because in my mind all kids are born with a certain, shall we say, proclivity to "be." I do not know if each child is born with a a personality already, but I do think they are born with a certain temperament. Case in point, my youngest was always moving in utero...and truly has never stopped. My oldest was very specific and certain about the types of movement I experienced while carrying her, and my youngest daughter was very even and calm and easy. To a large extent their adult personalities mirror those early behaviors. Behavior that I felt as their lives began to evolve. So, I think the idea of driving the bus as a parent, is kind of an oxymoron.
We are suppose to show our children the proper ways to "be." We are to teach them the laws of civility, decorum, good manners, good values, and of course good choices. We are to model this behavior for them. We are to be present, to course correct as needed, yet through all of that, we are not to be the driver of the bus. We are to be their helpful navigators.
Being a good navigator is a tricky job! You first have to know the correct route, and that is the first test. With each and every child the route they need to take is unknown and undiscovered until they start to show you who they are, what excites them, what they love. As kids demonstrate these qualities, then it is up to us to help them figure out the best, for lack of a more exacting word, route for them. My husband and I have three grown children. Each one of them is different, and I am sure that if you have more than one child, you can say the same thing. We had to figure out how to help them find and see and then navigate the life route that seemed to be the one best designed for their personalities and desires. Sometimes the route is obvious, but I would bet that with most kids, it is often hidden within a maze of choices and interests, and behaviors, until over time, a clearer path presents. I know that one of our daughters is a cheesemonger, and as I have written before, we never had that on our radar screen as a life path for her. It does of course make sense now, after we have seen all that led up to it. But, I never predicted that when she was 5!
I think that is my point. That being a good parent requires all of us to think about the main tenet of our job. The main challenge of parenting is to help kids find who they are suppose to be. Who they are meant to become. Our job is not to drive their bus for them. Our job is to help them find their way. That can be hard. My husband shared a story with me recently about a man he met while interviewing people for a position at his company. This particular person shared the story that he was offered a chance to study at Julliard, and had loved music all his life, but at the last hour of his decision making, was advised to consider another profession, which led him to the interview with my husband, instead of pursuing what he truly loved. I wonder now as a grown man if he is happy? I do not know that our job is to make our kids happy, I of course argued in an earlier piece that I want my kids to be happy, but finding happiness.. and what makes them tick..that is probably up to them. We do not get to own that right. We can help our kids with that happiness piece though, by being good guides, and educated navigators to different points and places in life. To choices and decisions that help them become who they are meant to be. The kind of people who are truly full. Truly "baked" as I like to say. Successful, competent adults who are able to drive their own bus because we helped them design, select, and navigate the best route for them.
So, give up your drivers license. Learn how to navigate, and keep practicing until you help your kids find their routes.
Who knows, it could lead to a cheesemonger, who has introduced us to new and wonderful foods, a teacher who has shown us how to make a difference, and an aspiring filmmaker who has shown us wonderful ways of imaging and imagining. And, also don't forget along the way to show your children that you know how to be a good navigator of your own life as well! I am working on that right now! Life is a journey not a destination I have heard. Enjoy the ride, enjoy the view and don't try to drive the bus!
Until next time,
Pam
Last week I sent out this preview title to anyone who might have been interested in adding ideas...then life got in the way, and we had to help my mom-in-law with some health concerns. Now all is well, and I am going to followup with what I began to put out there last week!
In all my thinking about this parenting stuff, I keep trying to figure out what the best ideas are on how to help kids become the best they can be. How do we help influence and cajole, and ultimately create adults from the small people we are first blessed with? I heard a psychologist on the Today show in a discussion about parenting, say that "Good kids come from good parents." Well, that seems easy doesn't it? HA!
The idea of "You Can't Drive the Bus" comes from the place that I am at now as a parent. A parent of adult children. I say children because they are and always will be, (perhaps to their own displeasure:) ) my children. I do not care how old children get, they are always someone's children, even if they are 100!~
I was pondering this concept because I realize that even though I continue to strive to be the type of parent who does not mingle in my children's business too much, and I do have some success at that, that I still spend such an inordinate amount of time thinking about my kids and how they are doing and hoping that their day is going well. I don't speak to my adult kids every day, sometimes I speak to all of them in one day, and sometimes I may speak with one of the three, and sometimes I may speak to none of them. The point is, they are never far from my mind. I actually think that is a good thing, but it is also a tricky thing.
Good parents give their kids roots and wings, as I have mentioned before. I think that to do that well, we can not drive the bus. So, to my original title.
When children are little we have to be ever present in their lives. This morning I had the wonderful opportunity to have coffee with a woman I am happy to call my friend. She is the mother of 2 young children and is expecting her third. Our conversations revolve around parenting. We discuss what her kids are doing, and what she has on her mind about being their mom, and what is going on in each of our lives. She is in the throws of hands on parenting. In that stage she gets the chance to really mold her kids. I say mold, because in my mind all kids are born with a certain, shall we say, proclivity to "be." I do not know if each child is born with a a personality already, but I do think they are born with a certain temperament. Case in point, my youngest was always moving in utero...and truly has never stopped. My oldest was very specific and certain about the types of movement I experienced while carrying her, and my youngest daughter was very even and calm and easy. To a large extent their adult personalities mirror those early behaviors. Behavior that I felt as their lives began to evolve. So, I think the idea of driving the bus as a parent, is kind of an oxymoron.
We are suppose to show our children the proper ways to "be." We are to teach them the laws of civility, decorum, good manners, good values, and of course good choices. We are to model this behavior for them. We are to be present, to course correct as needed, yet through all of that, we are not to be the driver of the bus. We are to be their helpful navigators.
Being a good navigator is a tricky job! You first have to know the correct route, and that is the first test. With each and every child the route they need to take is unknown and undiscovered until they start to show you who they are, what excites them, what they love. As kids demonstrate these qualities, then it is up to us to help them figure out the best, for lack of a more exacting word, route for them. My husband and I have three grown children. Each one of them is different, and I am sure that if you have more than one child, you can say the same thing. We had to figure out how to help them find and see and then navigate the life route that seemed to be the one best designed for their personalities and desires. Sometimes the route is obvious, but I would bet that with most kids, it is often hidden within a maze of choices and interests, and behaviors, until over time, a clearer path presents. I know that one of our daughters is a cheesemonger, and as I have written before, we never had that on our radar screen as a life path for her. It does of course make sense now, after we have seen all that led up to it. But, I never predicted that when she was 5!
I think that is my point. That being a good parent requires all of us to think about the main tenet of our job. The main challenge of parenting is to help kids find who they are suppose to be. Who they are meant to become. Our job is not to drive their bus for them. Our job is to help them find their way. That can be hard. My husband shared a story with me recently about a man he met while interviewing people for a position at his company. This particular person shared the story that he was offered a chance to study at Julliard, and had loved music all his life, but at the last hour of his decision making, was advised to consider another profession, which led him to the interview with my husband, instead of pursuing what he truly loved. I wonder now as a grown man if he is happy? I do not know that our job is to make our kids happy, I of course argued in an earlier piece that I want my kids to be happy, but finding happiness.. and what makes them tick..that is probably up to them. We do not get to own that right. We can help our kids with that happiness piece though, by being good guides, and educated navigators to different points and places in life. To choices and decisions that help them become who they are meant to be. The kind of people who are truly full. Truly "baked" as I like to say. Successful, competent adults who are able to drive their own bus because we helped them design, select, and navigate the best route for them.
So, give up your drivers license. Learn how to navigate, and keep practicing until you help your kids find their routes.
Who knows, it could lead to a cheesemonger, who has introduced us to new and wonderful foods, a teacher who has shown us how to make a difference, and an aspiring filmmaker who has shown us wonderful ways of imaging and imagining. And, also don't forget along the way to show your children that you know how to be a good navigator of your own life as well! I am working on that right now! Life is a journey not a destination I have heard. Enjoy the ride, enjoy the view and don't try to drive the bus!
Until next time,
Pam
Monday, January 17, 2011
You Can't Drive the Bus!
Hello All!!
So this is a new thing .... a preview of my topic this week...if you have any fun ideas, let me know. I know what I am going to say....feel free to give me some more ideas!
Pam
So this is a new thing .... a preview of my topic this week...if you have any fun ideas, let me know. I know what I am going to say....feel free to give me some more ideas!
Pam
Monday, January 10, 2011
Putting the Puzzle together
Hello All!
Happy New Year! It's been a while since I sat down to write....I think holidays do that to you...there is always one more thing to do it seems, to make everyone's holiday happy. Hope that all of you found yourselves smiling a lot during the holidays. It can be great and it can be stressful. Hope that all of you had more great than stress.
As I was driving around probably trying to get one more thing accomplished in December, I heard someone on the radio talking about puzzles. Now why I paid attention to that I don't know, but it made me think about how building a family is a lot like putting a puzzle together. You start out with all sorts of pieces. You have a general frame work to build on, and then you have to assemble it correctly.
Putting a puzzle together can be tricky! Some people can do it really well and some people struggle with all the angles and edges and shapes. You can start out with 2 pieces fitting together quite well, and then you have to figure out how to get the next piece to fit. Kind of like when you first get married or fall in love. You spend time figuring out how to make the two of you fit together. How to assimilate your two personalities and hearts. After some time you might find yourself pregnant, and then have to figure out how to add this next piece well, you can't very well have a bad fit. You have to figure out how to have this new piece fit into the whole puzzle, and you might have to take a few stabs at figuring out where this piece fits. You will have to adjust, maybe even move the edges of your puzzle so that you can accommodate this new piece and have the proper fit. It may be uncomfortable or hard as you try to figure out how to do this!
Some puzzles have lots and lots of pieces. Some have only a few. I wonder if the ones with just a few pieces are easier to put together? I think it would logically seem that that would be simper, but maybe not. What if the small puzzle, one that has just a few pieces, has a part that does not quite fit. No matter how you try and try to shove it into the next piece or adjust the angle, it just does not seem to be able to quite fit properly. Maybe the small puzzle is harder, cause if the pieces don't fit it is more obvious.
What about the puzzle that has lots and lots of pieces. At first it may seem daunting to figure out how to make each piece fit properly with the one next to it, or the one it seems to be part of. What about the middle? Do you work from the edges and build out or do you work from the outside and build in? Does where you start matter and does it affect the outcome of how the puzzle turns out? I wonder if families are the same.
Does it matter where and how we begin to build a family. Does it matter how we put the pieces together and in what order? Does the middle need to be done first, does the heart of the family begin with how we feel, the heart of the matter, or is it better to start with a firm solid outside structure. A boundary that creates a strong barrier to anyone trying to disrupt this structure? I wonder.
This holiday season we had the delightful opportunity to have one more puzzle piece added to our family. Our oldest daughter, Anne got engaged to a wonderful man, named Patrick. Now we have one more addition to the puzzle that has been our family. How do we fit this new person in? How does he see the puzzle that is the family Saxelby? How do we design this new puzzle well and build on from there? I bet we have to open up the box and happily add this new piece. We get to add on!
I have spent lots and lots of time thinking about my children and our family. I know my husband has too. Since the time that we first became parents, we have thought a lot about what we believe and what we think is the right way to put our family puzzle together. I think we have done that well, and to that end Patrick has asked us how we did that. I don't know that it is unique to our family that we all love each other and get along, but maybe it is? I do know that there are a million puzzle boxes out there of different styles and types of family models. I don't know that one is better than the other, but maybe one is more functional than the other, or is that just a matter of perception and perspective. I do not believe that any one family is perfect. I do believe that some seem to be able to "fit" together better than others. I wonder if that is because the pieces were molded better and the edges fit more easily, without having to shove too hard. I wonder if there is less stress in the building and designing process if the puzzle is more sound? Maybe.
Over the holiday we had the chance to have a conversation about family and how Anne and Patrick now want to create their own. They like the puzzle that is the family Saxelby. To Anne, I think it is just a given. It is what she knows and has grown up with. She thinks this is normal. I think she is comfortable with how our family has fit together and the way that this family puzzle has been designed. I know that Patrick is always curious about how this puzzle was made. Now they will get the chance to design theirs. I wonder where they will start? On the inside or on the outside edge?
Putting a puzzle together is hard! It takes time, and patience and energy and thought. It requires problem solving and evaluating and adjusting. All that is worth it though when you sit back and see how well the puzzle is evolving and how well the pieces appear to be fitting together.
Whew! A labor of love and hard work. I wonder if we are ever completely done building the puzzle? I doubt it. I think that with each change our puzzles are redesigned and recreated. Adding more color and angles and depth to the puzzle that is each of our families.
Good building to all!
Until next time,
Pam
Happy New Year! It's been a while since I sat down to write....I think holidays do that to you...there is always one more thing to do it seems, to make everyone's holiday happy. Hope that all of you found yourselves smiling a lot during the holidays. It can be great and it can be stressful. Hope that all of you had more great than stress.
As I was driving around probably trying to get one more thing accomplished in December, I heard someone on the radio talking about puzzles. Now why I paid attention to that I don't know, but it made me think about how building a family is a lot like putting a puzzle together. You start out with all sorts of pieces. You have a general frame work to build on, and then you have to assemble it correctly.
Putting a puzzle together can be tricky! Some people can do it really well and some people struggle with all the angles and edges and shapes. You can start out with 2 pieces fitting together quite well, and then you have to figure out how to get the next piece to fit. Kind of like when you first get married or fall in love. You spend time figuring out how to make the two of you fit together. How to assimilate your two personalities and hearts. After some time you might find yourself pregnant, and then have to figure out how to add this next piece well, you can't very well have a bad fit. You have to figure out how to have this new piece fit into the whole puzzle, and you might have to take a few stabs at figuring out where this piece fits. You will have to adjust, maybe even move the edges of your puzzle so that you can accommodate this new piece and have the proper fit. It may be uncomfortable or hard as you try to figure out how to do this!
Some puzzles have lots and lots of pieces. Some have only a few. I wonder if the ones with just a few pieces are easier to put together? I think it would logically seem that that would be simper, but maybe not. What if the small puzzle, one that has just a few pieces, has a part that does not quite fit. No matter how you try and try to shove it into the next piece or adjust the angle, it just does not seem to be able to quite fit properly. Maybe the small puzzle is harder, cause if the pieces don't fit it is more obvious.
What about the puzzle that has lots and lots of pieces. At first it may seem daunting to figure out how to make each piece fit properly with the one next to it, or the one it seems to be part of. What about the middle? Do you work from the edges and build out or do you work from the outside and build in? Does where you start matter and does it affect the outcome of how the puzzle turns out? I wonder if families are the same.
Does it matter where and how we begin to build a family. Does it matter how we put the pieces together and in what order? Does the middle need to be done first, does the heart of the family begin with how we feel, the heart of the matter, or is it better to start with a firm solid outside structure. A boundary that creates a strong barrier to anyone trying to disrupt this structure? I wonder.
This holiday season we had the delightful opportunity to have one more puzzle piece added to our family. Our oldest daughter, Anne got engaged to a wonderful man, named Patrick. Now we have one more addition to the puzzle that has been our family. How do we fit this new person in? How does he see the puzzle that is the family Saxelby? How do we design this new puzzle well and build on from there? I bet we have to open up the box and happily add this new piece. We get to add on!
I have spent lots and lots of time thinking about my children and our family. I know my husband has too. Since the time that we first became parents, we have thought a lot about what we believe and what we think is the right way to put our family puzzle together. I think we have done that well, and to that end Patrick has asked us how we did that. I don't know that it is unique to our family that we all love each other and get along, but maybe it is? I do know that there are a million puzzle boxes out there of different styles and types of family models. I don't know that one is better than the other, but maybe one is more functional than the other, or is that just a matter of perception and perspective. I do not believe that any one family is perfect. I do believe that some seem to be able to "fit" together better than others. I wonder if that is because the pieces were molded better and the edges fit more easily, without having to shove too hard. I wonder if there is less stress in the building and designing process if the puzzle is more sound? Maybe.
Over the holiday we had the chance to have a conversation about family and how Anne and Patrick now want to create their own. They like the puzzle that is the family Saxelby. To Anne, I think it is just a given. It is what she knows and has grown up with. She thinks this is normal. I think she is comfortable with how our family has fit together and the way that this family puzzle has been designed. I know that Patrick is always curious about how this puzzle was made. Now they will get the chance to design theirs. I wonder where they will start? On the inside or on the outside edge?
Putting a puzzle together is hard! It takes time, and patience and energy and thought. It requires problem solving and evaluating and adjusting. All that is worth it though when you sit back and see how well the puzzle is evolving and how well the pieces appear to be fitting together.
Whew! A labor of love and hard work. I wonder if we are ever completely done building the puzzle? I doubt it. I think that with each change our puzzles are redesigned and recreated. Adding more color and angles and depth to the puzzle that is each of our families.
Good building to all!
Until next time,
Pam
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