Hello all...
I am going to be traveling for the holidays...so I will look forward to writing more in 2010!
Wow, a new year. Have a wonderful holiday season.
Until next year!
Pam
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Reflections
Hello!
A new day to post, Thursday, which is a reflection of how crazy busy this time of year gets!
As I was thinking what to write about this week I had a whole bunch of ideas running around in this head of mine, and thought I would try to incorporate some of them into a coherent piece...let's see if I am successful at it!
The thing I have been thinking about the most is that children are a reflection of us. They learn what they live. I see that every day in the opportunity I have to observe lots of parents in action. I have my own petrie dish, so to speak, of human behaviors to watch and observe. I told my sister-in-law that at this time of year I was thinking that it would be wise to spray each of the kids with Lysol before they entered the room because of all the germs that are being thrown around, but truly, I am wondering if that would work to also eliminate parenting "viruses"! (just kidding about spraying kids with Lysol...although sometimes it really does seem like a good idea) parenting that is "ill advised" and needs help!
This year I have a wide variety of parenting styles to observe. My co teacher and I remark that every couple of years we have an interesting mix of kids and parents, and this is one of those years. I have some parents who really seem to get it, the right balance of hands on and hands off. I also have some parents, well actually one that is way too hands on, in my opinion, and a few that are in between. It is such an art to find that right balance of parenting. I am sure that all the people I get to observe really love their children. I wonder, though, what makes some parents more effective than others. I was thinking out loud about this as my director and I were talking and she validated what I was thinking. That kids are a reflection of their parents. It is true, at least from what I am observing this year. Each of my group of "little individuals" does reflect what I see in their parents. One little guy's Dad is very balanced and measured in his approach, and thus so is his son. One little girl's Mom is helping her become more independent and is teaching her how to take care of her own clothing, and I am watching this little girl go around and try to teach the other kids how to do new things. One little girl's Mom is a bit too involved and I watch her daughter look to others to get validation and help her make decisions throughout the day. She seems to need extra reassurance that she is capable on her own. Lastly, one little guy's Mom isn't sure at all about what to do with him, and thus he seems to be often out of control in his own behavior. So.. I say to myself, self what does this say about children and parents? I think it says that all parents need to mindful of what they do and say and who they are themselves. I do not believe that any of us need to be or are perfect people or parents. I do think that parents need to constantly check themselves and change and evolve with each stage of parenting. I think some parents probably obsess too much about parenting and some don't think about how to do a good job enough. It is exhausting this whole parenting thing, but also so very lovely and rewarding. I ask each of us who is a parent to think again about the type of messages we want to send to our kids. What do you want to say and do each day that tells your kids what you think about them and what you think about yourself? Think..I guess that is the key word. Think well and wisely about what you want to demonstrate to your kids and the examples that you set. Try, I would ask to be the best possible person you can be, and I think that will teach your children well.
In summary, try to do and be an example of someone your kids can be proud of, someone they can learn well from, someone they will be proud to call Mom or Dad.
Who knows, you could get the wonderful opportunity to be asked to be the guest cohost on your own child's radio show!
Until next time,
Pam
A new day to post, Thursday, which is a reflection of how crazy busy this time of year gets!
As I was thinking what to write about this week I had a whole bunch of ideas running around in this head of mine, and thought I would try to incorporate some of them into a coherent piece...let's see if I am successful at it!
The thing I have been thinking about the most is that children are a reflection of us. They learn what they live. I see that every day in the opportunity I have to observe lots of parents in action. I have my own petrie dish, so to speak, of human behaviors to watch and observe. I told my sister-in-law that at this time of year I was thinking that it would be wise to spray each of the kids with Lysol before they entered the room because of all the germs that are being thrown around, but truly, I am wondering if that would work to also eliminate parenting "viruses"! (just kidding about spraying kids with Lysol...although sometimes it really does seem like a good idea) parenting that is "ill advised" and needs help!
This year I have a wide variety of parenting styles to observe. My co teacher and I remark that every couple of years we have an interesting mix of kids and parents, and this is one of those years. I have some parents who really seem to get it, the right balance of hands on and hands off. I also have some parents, well actually one that is way too hands on, in my opinion, and a few that are in between. It is such an art to find that right balance of parenting. I am sure that all the people I get to observe really love their children. I wonder, though, what makes some parents more effective than others. I was thinking out loud about this as my director and I were talking and she validated what I was thinking. That kids are a reflection of their parents. It is true, at least from what I am observing this year. Each of my group of "little individuals" does reflect what I see in their parents. One little guy's Dad is very balanced and measured in his approach, and thus so is his son. One little girl's Mom is helping her become more independent and is teaching her how to take care of her own clothing, and I am watching this little girl go around and try to teach the other kids how to do new things. One little girl's Mom is a bit too involved and I watch her daughter look to others to get validation and help her make decisions throughout the day. She seems to need extra reassurance that she is capable on her own. Lastly, one little guy's Mom isn't sure at all about what to do with him, and thus he seems to be often out of control in his own behavior. So.. I say to myself, self what does this say about children and parents? I think it says that all parents need to mindful of what they do and say and who they are themselves. I do not believe that any of us need to be or are perfect people or parents. I do think that parents need to constantly check themselves and change and evolve with each stage of parenting. I think some parents probably obsess too much about parenting and some don't think about how to do a good job enough. It is exhausting this whole parenting thing, but also so very lovely and rewarding. I ask each of us who is a parent to think again about the type of messages we want to send to our kids. What do you want to say and do each day that tells your kids what you think about them and what you think about yourself? Think..I guess that is the key word. Think well and wisely about what you want to demonstrate to your kids and the examples that you set. Try, I would ask to be the best possible person you can be, and I think that will teach your children well.
In summary, try to do and be an example of someone your kids can be proud of, someone they can learn well from, someone they will be proud to call Mom or Dad.
Who knows, you could get the wonderful opportunity to be asked to be the guest cohost on your own child's radio show!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Unconditional love
Hi....
This week I had the sobering experience of attending a funeral for a young man. A friend of mine lost her son, he was just 23 years old.
As I sat at the service I thought about children and parents and the complicated relationship between these two groups. All the adults, the people in my peer group, were devastated for this family who were grieving the loss of such a young life. Perhaps thinking about each of their own children with an even greater intensity and love. I know that I was.
I looked at all the young people in the church who were equally devastated by the loss of a friend, a reality that is so hard at any age to comprehend, but even more so when you are young. You don't' think about death as something that will touch you so soon, and it is hard to make sense of. A young person, who's whole life lay ahead of him.
All of this made me reflect.
I had the opportunity throughout the years, to have had a number of conversations with my friend as her son grew. We are not best friends, or perhaps even close friends, but as mothers we shared conversation about this lovely young man, and all that he dealt with in his life. My friend and I had shared challenges we encountered in raising our children, and about our attempts to help them each find their way. I know that this mother was deeply involved with her son and all that he needed. I know that she spent a great deal of time trying to help him find his way. I know that she agonized over the right things to do for him and how to help him. I know that even when it was hard, she always tried to do what she believed was best for her son. We often ran into each other in the grocery store, which proved to be our place to have in depth conversations about our children. It is here that she would share with me all that she was doing or trying, to help her son find his way. I know that the path for this young man was harder than it is for many. Through all the times we talked, my friend always spoke about her son with such love..love that was unconditional and accepting, and never ending.
At this time of year, having to witness this tragedy, it makes me want to ask each and every one of us that is a parent to take time, pause, throughout all the busyness and cherish your children. Cherish them for who they are, not for what you may want them to be. Cherish time with them,even if they are driving you a bit batty! Notice how wonderful and special each of them are and let them know that. Don't miss an opportunity to catch them doing things right! Hug and kiss them abundantly. Tell them you love them until they roll their eyes at you!
We never know what life will present. Children are a gift to us, a gift to be celebrated, cherished and loved. They are not ours to own. They are leant to us.
Love your children well. Love them unconditionally.
Until next time,
Pam
This week I had the sobering experience of attending a funeral for a young man. A friend of mine lost her son, he was just 23 years old.
As I sat at the service I thought about children and parents and the complicated relationship between these two groups. All the adults, the people in my peer group, were devastated for this family who were grieving the loss of such a young life. Perhaps thinking about each of their own children with an even greater intensity and love. I know that I was.
I looked at all the young people in the church who were equally devastated by the loss of a friend, a reality that is so hard at any age to comprehend, but even more so when you are young. You don't' think about death as something that will touch you so soon, and it is hard to make sense of. A young person, who's whole life lay ahead of him.
All of this made me reflect.
I had the opportunity throughout the years, to have had a number of conversations with my friend as her son grew. We are not best friends, or perhaps even close friends, but as mothers we shared conversation about this lovely young man, and all that he dealt with in his life. My friend and I had shared challenges we encountered in raising our children, and about our attempts to help them each find their way. I know that this mother was deeply involved with her son and all that he needed. I know that she spent a great deal of time trying to help him find his way. I know that she agonized over the right things to do for him and how to help him. I know that even when it was hard, she always tried to do what she believed was best for her son. We often ran into each other in the grocery store, which proved to be our place to have in depth conversations about our children. It is here that she would share with me all that she was doing or trying, to help her son find his way. I know that the path for this young man was harder than it is for many. Through all the times we talked, my friend always spoke about her son with such love..love that was unconditional and accepting, and never ending.
At this time of year, having to witness this tragedy, it makes me want to ask each and every one of us that is a parent to take time, pause, throughout all the busyness and cherish your children. Cherish them for who they are, not for what you may want them to be. Cherish time with them,even if they are driving you a bit batty! Notice how wonderful and special each of them are and let them know that. Don't miss an opportunity to catch them doing things right! Hug and kiss them abundantly. Tell them you love them until they roll their eyes at you!
We never know what life will present. Children are a gift to us, a gift to be celebrated, cherished and loved. They are not ours to own. They are leant to us.
Love your children well. Love them unconditionally.
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Mother's Know Best....or do they?
Hello!
This week I am thinking about mothers and the saying "Mother's Know Best." I have decided that maybe that is not always the case. Perhaps some mothers are more like Mommie Dearest, rather than Donna Reed or Mrs. Cleaver of the 50's and 60's sitcoms. Perhaps some mothers act more like "smotherers' than mothers.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to see one mother in action and hear a scary story of another older mother, that made me think of the title I selected for this week's post. I have to of course admit that no mother is perfect, myself included. I have shared this with my children who are now all adults and told them any problem that occurs in their life I accept is probably my fault, the fault of the mother (it always is in the movies ) and I accept that fact. I told them I tried to do the best job that I could and that I am perfectly fine with them talking about me with a good therapist! Seriously though, let me tell you what happened.
I work with young children and get the chance to see lots of parents. I have one young mother this year that troubles me. I do think she believes that she is behaving in the best interest of her daughter, but I wonder if she is. I also wonder if she can recognize what she is doing, and if her training as a social worker makes it harder to see what is happening. Each day she drops her daughter off at school and we go through the whole separation trauma. It begins with the mother asking her daughter if she wants to be at school, then asking her daughter if she is o.k., then walking her into school, then hanging around and asking her again if she is o.k. then finally, after at least 3-4 hugs, and more questions she leaves, at which point the daughter is usually upset until her mother walks out the door. After the mother finally leaves, the daughter is fine! Ah Ha ( I say to myself) Is the daughter upset about leaving her mother...OR is the mother upset about leaving her daughter? Is this mother through her behavior actually sending the message to her daughter that she wants to send, or is she sending the message to her daughter that she needs her mom to function well? I bet that is not what the mom wants. We all want to be loved and valued as parents, but by making our children overly reliant on us do we do them a disservice? Isn't the whole point of parenting to help our children become capable functioning adults in their own right?
Round two. I had lunch with a colleague of mine yesterday. I was talking with her about the situation I just described and wondered about how we as parents send the right message to our children. The message that we love them, that they are capable and that they can succeed on their own. She shared a story with me about a mother we both know that I had never heard before. This is an extreme example! This mother actually had a time table, a life plan she designed for her daughter! She had decided that her daughter needed to be married by 24 and pregnant with her first child by the time she was 27! YIKES!!! Even scarier than the plan itself, is that the daughter is actually living it! And, yes, by the way, this mother even helped pick out who her daughter's husband is!!
A recent "Times" magazine had the title "The Case against Over Parenting". I think both of these mothers fall into that category, one of course, much more extreme than the other, but by sending a message like the first mother did to our young children do we limit their ability to be able to think for themselves, to be able to trust their own judgement as they grow, to undermine their own abilities to problem solve or make decisions on their own because parents have made all of them for them or send the subtle message through what we do or did that we don't think they are capable? Is that what being a good parent is? Is that how you raise capable nonf*@ked up adults? NO NO NO!! Our job as parents is to help each and every child find their own way, fill up their own life buckets with good stuff, not squeeze too hard and let them go...as hard as that is.
So love your children well. Try really hard not to design a life plan for them! Let them know through what you do and what you say that they can figure things out on their own and that you believe in them.
Until next time!
Pam
This week I am thinking about mothers and the saying "Mother's Know Best." I have decided that maybe that is not always the case. Perhaps some mothers are more like Mommie Dearest, rather than Donna Reed or Mrs. Cleaver of the 50's and 60's sitcoms. Perhaps some mothers act more like "smotherers' than mothers.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to see one mother in action and hear a scary story of another older mother, that made me think of the title I selected for this week's post. I have to of course admit that no mother is perfect, myself included. I have shared this with my children who are now all adults and told them any problem that occurs in their life I accept is probably my fault, the fault of the mother (it always is in the movies ) and I accept that fact. I told them I tried to do the best job that I could and that I am perfectly fine with them talking about me with a good therapist! Seriously though, let me tell you what happened.
I work with young children and get the chance to see lots of parents. I have one young mother this year that troubles me. I do think she believes that she is behaving in the best interest of her daughter, but I wonder if she is. I also wonder if she can recognize what she is doing, and if her training as a social worker makes it harder to see what is happening. Each day she drops her daughter off at school and we go through the whole separation trauma. It begins with the mother asking her daughter if she wants to be at school, then asking her daughter if she is o.k., then walking her into school, then hanging around and asking her again if she is o.k. then finally, after at least 3-4 hugs, and more questions she leaves, at which point the daughter is usually upset until her mother walks out the door. After the mother finally leaves, the daughter is fine! Ah Ha ( I say to myself) Is the daughter upset about leaving her mother...OR is the mother upset about leaving her daughter? Is this mother through her behavior actually sending the message to her daughter that she wants to send, or is she sending the message to her daughter that she needs her mom to function well? I bet that is not what the mom wants. We all want to be loved and valued as parents, but by making our children overly reliant on us do we do them a disservice? Isn't the whole point of parenting to help our children become capable functioning adults in their own right?
Round two. I had lunch with a colleague of mine yesterday. I was talking with her about the situation I just described and wondered about how we as parents send the right message to our children. The message that we love them, that they are capable and that they can succeed on their own. She shared a story with me about a mother we both know that I had never heard before. This is an extreme example! This mother actually had a time table, a life plan she designed for her daughter! She had decided that her daughter needed to be married by 24 and pregnant with her first child by the time she was 27! YIKES!!! Even scarier than the plan itself, is that the daughter is actually living it! And, yes, by the way, this mother even helped pick out who her daughter's husband is!!
A recent "Times" magazine had the title "The Case against Over Parenting". I think both of these mothers fall into that category, one of course, much more extreme than the other, but by sending a message like the first mother did to our young children do we limit their ability to be able to think for themselves, to be able to trust their own judgement as they grow, to undermine their own abilities to problem solve or make decisions on their own because parents have made all of them for them or send the subtle message through what we do or did that we don't think they are capable? Is that what being a good parent is? Is that how you raise capable nonf*@ked up adults? NO NO NO!! Our job as parents is to help each and every child find their own way, fill up their own life buckets with good stuff, not squeeze too hard and let them go...as hard as that is.
So love your children well. Try really hard not to design a life plan for them! Let them know through what you do and what you say that they can figure things out on their own and that you believe in them.
Until next time!
Pam
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Being present...the Best Present!
Hi!
There has been a lot going on this week that has made me first, not be able to write until today, and second think a lot about what really matters the most during this approaching holiday season. The title of this week's post says it all..being present, the Best Present.
I have been thinking a lot this week about what matters the most, at least to me, and I would assume to most parents and families. What matters the most to me is the people I love. My family has had the opportunity to assess just that this week, as one of our most loved members received bad news from the doctor. I think when that kind of thing occurs, it makes us all take stock of the things in our lives that really are important. For me, that is my family. My husband, my children, my mother, my brothers, my husband's parents, and the whole of the extended family. It causes me, at least, to think about how I choose to spend my time and what brings the greatest joy.
As the holidays are rapidly approaching, take time to think about what is important. Important to you and to the specific goals you have for your children and the quality of your family. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Christmas, which is the next special holiday for my family, is fast approaching. As I think about what really matters through all the "stuff" that we do during this time of year specifically, I ask all parents to consider what is the most precious gift they can give their children. My answer to that would be the gift of yourself. The gift of "being present" being available, the gift of time uninterrupted with your children.
My partner in crime at school (aka my teaching partner) was lamenting what she had noticed frequently in the past week while she was out and about within our community. She was noticing all sorts of Moms very engaged with their cell phones and not engaged with their children. Now I know everyone has lots to do and that in this age of endless communication it can be quite tempting and maybe even addictive to have to answer every phone call and be on top of all that is going on in one's life. But I ask this, to what end are we each working towards? Do we want to send the message to our children that they are secondary to all the other"stuff' we have going on in our lives? Or, is better to take care of your children first, and the rest of the "stuff" second? I am not trying to nag or preach here. I remember what it was like trying to do all the things required to work and run a family and take care of a household. It is time consuming and exhausting! But, and here is the but...can we all be mindful and choose to take the time, especially now during this time of year, to spend time? To be present, to talk with your kids in the car, to sit down and ask how school was, to go out to lunch and just listen to your child?
So, as this season of "craziness" is about to take off as evidenced by all the ads and emails and special offers presented to us constantly, I ask each of us to consider what is the most priceless gift we can give our children. I would argue it is the gift of ourselves. The gift of being present, of being in the moment with your children. Spend time. Fill up your children's buckets with gifts of time, and experiences and of being available to them physically, emotionally and mentally. That, I would argue is the best gift of all.
So, consider giving your children the best present of all this year. Give them the gift of yourself. Be present; THAT is the Best Present of all!
Until next time! Happy Thanksgiving!
Pam
There has been a lot going on this week that has made me first, not be able to write until today, and second think a lot about what really matters the most during this approaching holiday season. The title of this week's post says it all..being present, the Best Present.
I have been thinking a lot this week about what matters the most, at least to me, and I would assume to most parents and families. What matters the most to me is the people I love. My family has had the opportunity to assess just that this week, as one of our most loved members received bad news from the doctor. I think when that kind of thing occurs, it makes us all take stock of the things in our lives that really are important. For me, that is my family. My husband, my children, my mother, my brothers, my husband's parents, and the whole of the extended family. It causes me, at least, to think about how I choose to spend my time and what brings the greatest joy.
As the holidays are rapidly approaching, take time to think about what is important. Important to you and to the specific goals you have for your children and the quality of your family. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and Christmas, which is the next special holiday for my family, is fast approaching. As I think about what really matters through all the "stuff" that we do during this time of year specifically, I ask all parents to consider what is the most precious gift they can give their children. My answer to that would be the gift of yourself. The gift of "being present" being available, the gift of time uninterrupted with your children.
My partner in crime at school (aka my teaching partner) was lamenting what she had noticed frequently in the past week while she was out and about within our community. She was noticing all sorts of Moms very engaged with their cell phones and not engaged with their children. Now I know everyone has lots to do and that in this age of endless communication it can be quite tempting and maybe even addictive to have to answer every phone call and be on top of all that is going on in one's life. But I ask this, to what end are we each working towards? Do we want to send the message to our children that they are secondary to all the other"stuff' we have going on in our lives? Or, is better to take care of your children first, and the rest of the "stuff" second? I am not trying to nag or preach here. I remember what it was like trying to do all the things required to work and run a family and take care of a household. It is time consuming and exhausting! But, and here is the but...can we all be mindful and choose to take the time, especially now during this time of year, to spend time? To be present, to talk with your kids in the car, to sit down and ask how school was, to go out to lunch and just listen to your child?
So, as this season of "craziness" is about to take off as evidenced by all the ads and emails and special offers presented to us constantly, I ask each of us to consider what is the most priceless gift we can give our children. I would argue it is the gift of ourselves. The gift of being present, of being in the moment with your children. Spend time. Fill up your children's buckets with gifts of time, and experiences and of being available to them physically, emotionally and mentally. That, I would argue is the best gift of all.
So, consider giving your children the best present of all this year. Give them the gift of yourself. Be present; THAT is the Best Present of all!
Until next time! Happy Thanksgiving!
Pam
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Evolving
Hi!
It's Tuesday and I have been thinking a lot about what to write this week.
This past week at school I watched a young Mom struggle with what to do. The class was meeting outside and the kids were running around playing. Her daughter was having a hard time staying at school that day, and I could see this Mom wrestling with herself about what was right...right for her and right for her daughter. I decided to step in and suggest that it would be better for this lovely little girl if her Mom left her. The Mom handed her child immediately to me and left. Within a matter of seconds the little girl stopped crying, I put her down, and she began to giggle and run with the other children.
When we were done outside and entered the building to begin our day, the school secretary approached me and said the little girl's Mom had called and needed and wanted to know how she was doing. I relayed the information about how quickly she had stopped crying and how well she was doing. We proceeded with our day and when this little girl's Mom came to pick her up, she shared with me how difficult it had been to leave her daughter and that she had cried all the way home.
Later that day, as I was at home, I thought about what a great thing that Mom had done. She had taken the time to decide what was best for her child, listen to another idea and then do what was hard for her, but good for her daughter. She Evolved!
I had a wonderful therapist I would talk to from time to time while I was deep in the throws of raising my 3 children. I figured I could use all the help I could get! This parenting stuff gets really hard at times! From leaving your little ones, to helping them navigate the early years of elementary school, onto the really scary times of adolescence and awkwardness and finally the truly terrifying time .....TEENAGERS! She helped me a lot! One of the best types of advice she gave me was to evolve. Just as your children evolve through all the stages of growth while growing up, good parents evolve too. Good parents evolve through all the parenting stages and grow as parents.
When you bring that first baby home you have NO IDEA! I mean that literally. You have absolutely no idea what you are doing. You may think you do because you've read all the books about parenting you can get your hands on, but until you actually have to parent, you have no idea what to do. When we brought our first child home, it took my husband and myself all night to figure out that it was a really bad idea to change our daughter on our bed. She would pee each time all over our bed, because of course we had no idea that maybe it would be better to change her on a towel! With each stage as your child grows, you grow too. You know what to do for you baby, then you know what to do for your toddler, then you know what to do for your elementary school child, then you know what to do for your young adolescent, and then....well..no..NO ONE knows what to do with their teenager! That is an art all it's own! Whew, it's a good thing we grow into parenting. I thought I knew a lot about my children, but I could tell you some stories about my kids as teenagers that would make your hair stand up!
The point is this. Evolve. Grow as a parent through each stage of your child's life. There will be different requirements for each and every stage. Be aware, be informed, be willing to grow and change and adapt to every new phase of your child's life.
Don't expect your child to act the same through each growth phase. Don't expect yourself to act the same or be the same through each of your child's growth phases. Be able to evolve and do what's necessary at each time. Do what the lovely young Mom did. She let her daughter grow, and in the process, she grew too. She evolved. She cried, but she evolved.
As my now 21 year old son told me the other day, "Mom, you and Dad are the Executive Producers." We are at the stage where our job is to provide the encouragement and resources to help him find his way professionally. He is a senior in college, ready to graduate, ready to begin making his own movies, ready to begin his own adult life.
Our job now is to evolve once again. Evolve into great cheerleaders. Cheering him onto his own. What a great feeling that is!
Until next time,
Pam
It's Tuesday and I have been thinking a lot about what to write this week.
This past week at school I watched a young Mom struggle with what to do. The class was meeting outside and the kids were running around playing. Her daughter was having a hard time staying at school that day, and I could see this Mom wrestling with herself about what was right...right for her and right for her daughter. I decided to step in and suggest that it would be better for this lovely little girl if her Mom left her. The Mom handed her child immediately to me and left. Within a matter of seconds the little girl stopped crying, I put her down, and she began to giggle and run with the other children.
When we were done outside and entered the building to begin our day, the school secretary approached me and said the little girl's Mom had called and needed and wanted to know how she was doing. I relayed the information about how quickly she had stopped crying and how well she was doing. We proceeded with our day and when this little girl's Mom came to pick her up, she shared with me how difficult it had been to leave her daughter and that she had cried all the way home.
Later that day, as I was at home, I thought about what a great thing that Mom had done. She had taken the time to decide what was best for her child, listen to another idea and then do what was hard for her, but good for her daughter. She Evolved!
I had a wonderful therapist I would talk to from time to time while I was deep in the throws of raising my 3 children. I figured I could use all the help I could get! This parenting stuff gets really hard at times! From leaving your little ones, to helping them navigate the early years of elementary school, onto the really scary times of adolescence and awkwardness and finally the truly terrifying time .....TEENAGERS! She helped me a lot! One of the best types of advice she gave me was to evolve. Just as your children evolve through all the stages of growth while growing up, good parents evolve too. Good parents evolve through all the parenting stages and grow as parents.
When you bring that first baby home you have NO IDEA! I mean that literally. You have absolutely no idea what you are doing. You may think you do because you've read all the books about parenting you can get your hands on, but until you actually have to parent, you have no idea what to do. When we brought our first child home, it took my husband and myself all night to figure out that it was a really bad idea to change our daughter on our bed. She would pee each time all over our bed, because of course we had no idea that maybe it would be better to change her on a towel! With each stage as your child grows, you grow too. You know what to do for you baby, then you know what to do for your toddler, then you know what to do for your elementary school child, then you know what to do for your young adolescent, and then....well..no..NO ONE knows what to do with their teenager! That is an art all it's own! Whew, it's a good thing we grow into parenting. I thought I knew a lot about my children, but I could tell you some stories about my kids as teenagers that would make your hair stand up!
The point is this. Evolve. Grow as a parent through each stage of your child's life. There will be different requirements for each and every stage. Be aware, be informed, be willing to grow and change and adapt to every new phase of your child's life.
Don't expect your child to act the same through each growth phase. Don't expect yourself to act the same or be the same through each of your child's growth phases. Be able to evolve and do what's necessary at each time. Do what the lovely young Mom did. She let her daughter grow, and in the process, she grew too. She evolved. She cried, but she evolved.
As my now 21 year old son told me the other day, "Mom, you and Dad are the Executive Producers." We are at the stage where our job is to provide the encouragement and resources to help him find his way professionally. He is a senior in college, ready to graduate, ready to begin making his own movies, ready to begin his own adult life.
Our job now is to evolve once again. Evolve into great cheerleaders. Cheering him onto his own. What a great feeling that is!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Playing for Keeps!
Hi!
It's Wednesday and oh what a beautiful day it is! I am writing today because I have been out "playing" myself!
I have been thinking a lot about play and how it can be such a positive way to send messages to our children. When we play with our kids it shows them that we value them and want to spend time with them. It shows them we like them and enjoy them. It shows them they are important and someone we choose to be with. It shows them we like what is important to them. It shows them that we pick spending time, doing something joyful with them, instead of something else (like cleaning or paperwork, or phone calls...)! It sends a message that they are valued.
I had the opportunity this Monday to learn something new. At a professional meeting I was at, we were discussing learning and how children learn best. One of the most interesting points presented, was that children learn to value what they see valued. AH HA (I thought)! When we play with our children, take the time to do that, we are demonstrating powerfully, I would argue, that we value them!
I have the opportunity to watch lots of young parents through my job. Just last week, one young father came in with his son, this father is the primary caretaker for their family. He brought his son into the classroom and they went to look at all that was planned for the day. He took the time to see what Russell would be doing that day. It so happened that we had the marble works out, which is a game where kids build the ramps and structure and then race the marbles down. Well, this game is one of Russell's favorite things to do! He and his Dad sat down on the rug and began to put the structure together. Russell was literally gleeful, jumping and screeching (in the best of ways) and laughing with his Dad as they raced their marbles down the track. This fabulous father sat for a few minutes laughing and enjoying his son. He did not try to rush out the door and get onto his day.. he sat and played and sent a wonderful message to his son. He sent the message that he valued him through the time they took just to play.
I see all sorts of parents and styles of parenting. Each type of person and parent is different, but play is universal! Everyone can play! All kids love to play. Just watch them. Kids make up games out of almost anything. Yesterday I watched a group of children pick up pieces of old cement and play with it. They made a pretend campfire and invited me to roast marshmallows with them..they were fabulous I must say! The best marshmallows I ever had! :)
My point it this: Play is the way children learn. When we play with them, we demonstrate that what is important to them is important to us. We demonstrate value. Children learn to value what they see valued. Do you think you help them learn to value themselves if you play with them?? I say a resounding "YES"! By taking the time to play and enjoy and laugh with your children, you show them they are valued . When you show them they are valued they learn to value themselves.
How much better does it get than that? Isn't that the point of parenting? To raise and create a person who is strong and capable and able all on his own? Someone who values himself. Someone who knows that he has worth. Someone who feels valued. Someone who knows they matter. By doing that, we help create adults who can do anything, because they inherently know they are valuable. We helped them realize that because we took the time to value them. We took the time out of our busy day, because everyone is busy, just to play!
When you play with your kids you build a relationship with them. A relationship that is built on value and respect and trust, because you took time to do what your kids liked and what they needed. All children learn best through play...actually maybe all people do too!
So go ahead..Play! When you do, you send the message that your children are valued and valuable. A message that sets up a great foundation for a wonderful life long relationship with your children. A message of value, respect, trust and love.
As a matter of fact, I was doing just that this past weekend. Playing with my adult children and oh what fun we had!!
Until next time,
Pam
It's Wednesday and oh what a beautiful day it is! I am writing today because I have been out "playing" myself!
I have been thinking a lot about play and how it can be such a positive way to send messages to our children. When we play with our kids it shows them that we value them and want to spend time with them. It shows them we like them and enjoy them. It shows them they are important and someone we choose to be with. It shows them we like what is important to them. It shows them that we pick spending time, doing something joyful with them, instead of something else (like cleaning or paperwork, or phone calls...)! It sends a message that they are valued.
I had the opportunity this Monday to learn something new. At a professional meeting I was at, we were discussing learning and how children learn best. One of the most interesting points presented, was that children learn to value what they see valued. AH HA (I thought)! When we play with our children, take the time to do that, we are demonstrating powerfully, I would argue, that we value them!
I have the opportunity to watch lots of young parents through my job. Just last week, one young father came in with his son, this father is the primary caretaker for their family. He brought his son into the classroom and they went to look at all that was planned for the day. He took the time to see what Russell would be doing that day. It so happened that we had the marble works out, which is a game where kids build the ramps and structure and then race the marbles down. Well, this game is one of Russell's favorite things to do! He and his Dad sat down on the rug and began to put the structure together. Russell was literally gleeful, jumping and screeching (in the best of ways) and laughing with his Dad as they raced their marbles down the track. This fabulous father sat for a few minutes laughing and enjoying his son. He did not try to rush out the door and get onto his day.. he sat and played and sent a wonderful message to his son. He sent the message that he valued him through the time they took just to play.
I see all sorts of parents and styles of parenting. Each type of person and parent is different, but play is universal! Everyone can play! All kids love to play. Just watch them. Kids make up games out of almost anything. Yesterday I watched a group of children pick up pieces of old cement and play with it. They made a pretend campfire and invited me to roast marshmallows with them..they were fabulous I must say! The best marshmallows I ever had! :)
My point it this: Play is the way children learn. When we play with them, we demonstrate that what is important to them is important to us. We demonstrate value. Children learn to value what they see valued. Do you think you help them learn to value themselves if you play with them?? I say a resounding "YES"! By taking the time to play and enjoy and laugh with your children, you show them they are valued . When you show them they are valued they learn to value themselves.
How much better does it get than that? Isn't that the point of parenting? To raise and create a person who is strong and capable and able all on his own? Someone who values himself. Someone who knows that he has worth. Someone who feels valued. Someone who knows they matter. By doing that, we help create adults who can do anything, because they inherently know they are valuable. We helped them realize that because we took the time to value them. We took the time out of our busy day, because everyone is busy, just to play!
When you play with your kids you build a relationship with them. A relationship that is built on value and respect and trust, because you took time to do what your kids liked and what they needed. All children learn best through play...actually maybe all people do too!
So go ahead..Play! When you do, you send the message that your children are valued and valuable. A message that sets up a great foundation for a wonderful life long relationship with your children. A message of value, respect, trust and love.
As a matter of fact, I was doing just that this past weekend. Playing with my adult children and oh what fun we had!!
Until next time,
Pam
Friday, November 6, 2009
Editing...still a work in progress!
Hi all...as I read over the newer posts I see my editing is still a work in progress!
I'll keep working on it!
See you next week!
Pam
I'll keep working on it!
See you next week!
Pam
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Squeezing too hard..
Hello!
I have a question for you to begin today's blog..By squeezing too hard are we actually doing harm?
O.K. There's the question!
Last night I had the chance to be with a lovely bunch of woman who are well my juniors...( hard to swallow, but true)! They are a committed group of young mothers that I have the opportunity to be involved with on a professional level. This group of young woman send their children to a school I teach at.
As the evening and the meeting progressed, I began to think about being a good parent and what that involves. I guess, of course that the label "Good Parent" is subjective. Anyone can make their own judgement about what that label entails. Unlike DCFS, or the FDA, or the CDC...we do not have to comply with any set of rules predetermined by a governmental agency to be a parent.
I listened to these woman, all well educated and well intentioned, discuss their children and what kind of involvement they as parents have in their children's lives. I began to think that the concept of Do No Harm is a tricky one!! I was originally thinking of Do No Harm as the concept of neglect or abuse, but as I listened to these parents I wondered if Do No Harm can also mean something else.
These particular parents are uber involved with their children and the kinds of situations they choose to have their children participate in. As a qualifier, most of these parents have young children, ranging in age from 2-12. But, as I thought and listened to their concerns and their goals for their kids I was wondering if being too involved is equally as harmful as not being involved enough.
Yes, I know that this world is indeed a scary place, and I was probably guilty of some of the same behaviors as these young mothers. Yet, is it a good thing for our children if we as parents are wound too tight or are too worried or too careful? I think back to the times when my kids were young. It can be just as hard to let go of children appropriately as it is to care for them well. I have a card on my desk that says "Good Parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them". One of my now adult children, well, actually probably all 3 of them, tease me about this card, because I bought it for myself. At the times it was hard to let my children go, I would remind myself of this phrase. I may not, of course, always been successful at accomplishing this goal, but I was mindful of both responsibilities of parenting; loving well and letting go well. ( I think I was probably better at the loving well)!
So, I ask us to consider what is best for our children. Sometimes I know it is easier to do what is best for us. We do need to love our children well. We do need to care for them and protect them well. We do need to be mindful of the types of situations and groups and places that we allow our children to be in. BUT, and this may be the hard part, we also owe them the opportunity to be allowed out. Allowed out without us! Allowed to visit at a new friend's house, of course with the appropriate amount of parental supervision. Allowed to meet new people. Allowed to try new things. Allowed to go to new places. Allowed to explore and discover what excites them, not just what excites us or makes us, as parents feel comfortable.
That is the hard part. The balance between loving and letting go. Doing No Harm.
I suggest that Good Parents work hard to achieve that excellent balance. Balance loving well and letting go well. Become your own Maestro. Know how to hold onto your child, like the Maestro knows when and how to hold onto a note, and know how to let your child go, like the Maestro knows how and when to release the note for that perfect effect. Become the greatest conductor of your children's lives. Help your children find the balance they need to grow and become their own version of a perfect symphony!
Balance is key!
Until next time,
Pam
I have a question for you to begin today's blog..By squeezing too hard are we actually doing harm?
O.K. There's the question!
Last night I had the chance to be with a lovely bunch of woman who are well my juniors...( hard to swallow, but true)! They are a committed group of young mothers that I have the opportunity to be involved with on a professional level. This group of young woman send their children to a school I teach at.
As the evening and the meeting progressed, I began to think about being a good parent and what that involves. I guess, of course that the label "Good Parent" is subjective. Anyone can make their own judgement about what that label entails. Unlike DCFS, or the FDA, or the CDC...we do not have to comply with any set of rules predetermined by a governmental agency to be a parent.
I listened to these woman, all well educated and well intentioned, discuss their children and what kind of involvement they as parents have in their children's lives. I began to think that the concept of Do No Harm is a tricky one!! I was originally thinking of Do No Harm as the concept of neglect or abuse, but as I listened to these parents I wondered if Do No Harm can also mean something else.
These particular parents are uber involved with their children and the kinds of situations they choose to have their children participate in. As a qualifier, most of these parents have young children, ranging in age from 2-12. But, as I thought and listened to their concerns and their goals for their kids I was wondering if being too involved is equally as harmful as not being involved enough.
Yes, I know that this world is indeed a scary place, and I was probably guilty of some of the same behaviors as these young mothers. Yet, is it a good thing for our children if we as parents are wound too tight or are too worried or too careful? I think back to the times when my kids were young. It can be just as hard to let go of children appropriately as it is to care for them well. I have a card on my desk that says "Good Parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them". One of my now adult children, well, actually probably all 3 of them, tease me about this card, because I bought it for myself. At the times it was hard to let my children go, I would remind myself of this phrase. I may not, of course, always been successful at accomplishing this goal, but I was mindful of both responsibilities of parenting; loving well and letting go well. ( I think I was probably better at the loving well)!
So, I ask us to consider what is best for our children. Sometimes I know it is easier to do what is best for us. We do need to love our children well. We do need to care for them and protect them well. We do need to be mindful of the types of situations and groups and places that we allow our children to be in. BUT, and this may be the hard part, we also owe them the opportunity to be allowed out. Allowed out without us! Allowed to visit at a new friend's house, of course with the appropriate amount of parental supervision. Allowed to meet new people. Allowed to try new things. Allowed to go to new places. Allowed to explore and discover what excites them, not just what excites us or makes us, as parents feel comfortable.
That is the hard part. The balance between loving and letting go. Doing No Harm.
I suggest that Good Parents work hard to achieve that excellent balance. Balance loving well and letting go well. Become your own Maestro. Know how to hold onto your child, like the Maestro knows when and how to hold onto a note, and know how to let your child go, like the Maestro knows how and when to release the note for that perfect effect. Become the greatest conductor of your children's lives. Help your children find the balance they need to grow and become their own version of a perfect symphony!
Balance is key!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Oh the Places they may go!
Hi!
It's Wednesday, not Tuesday, I know. I am late composing because I may or may not have been busy watching one of my children on T.V.! :)
So... this week I have been thinking a lot about the phrase, "Not in my image." I suggested in my very first blog, that one of the tenets of being a good parent is not to try and create your child in your image, or your imagined image of what they should be. I am going to tell you a tale of Two Fathers. (I of course am creating this tale, based on true stories)!
Once upon a time there were 2 fathers. One father chose to spend his professional life as a minister, the other father chose business as his profession. Both fathers had sons. I imagine they were both very excited about all the possibilities of what their sons could and would become!
The first father, spent time with his son and sent messages to his son that he wanted him to listen to his advice and do what he said and follow his path, the path that he felt his son should choose. Now I don't know all the particulars, but I do know that this son had other ideas. His own ideas of what he wanted to do and be. He tried to communicate these ideas to his father, but his father said he knew best and cared not one bit what his son thought. As time passed this father continued to tell his son what he thought and wanted his son to be.. and continued and continued and continued, until one day his son imploded, had a horrible fight with his father, even physically attacked him, and left.
The second father spent time with his son too He sent messages to his son of what he thought and ideas about what he thought his son would like. This father had really enjoyed sports during his youth and hoped his son would too! What a great thing to do together and to share. This son, however, really really liked movies! He made movies with his army men, he made movies with things he made from clay, he made movies with all his friends. His father smiled and thought, hmm movies!
One day, this second father and his son found themselves on the same basketball team. The son had tried basketball and his father, excited that his son wanted to try sports, had volunteered to be the coach. One day, in the middle , or actually near the end, of a very big game, the team ran out of subs. They all had been injured. This father asked his son, who was on the bench, to enter the game...he was needed because all the subs were out! This father's son said, "Can't do that Dad. I am filming the game." His father was exasperated! He really needed his son to enter the game, but his son said no again and said he needed to take the film. This father finished the game with only 4 players.
Now, as life went on this son grew and changed and his father listened and watched and suggested. This son found he did love sport too, but chose football. He and his father shared that together.
Time passed quickly, as is so often does, and it was time for this second father's son to make the next step. Decide what path he would take . His father listened and suggested and then helped his son fill out all the applications he needed to go to college. The son and his father were overjoyed when the acceptance letters came! He was accepted into a University with a great football program... and received his first choice of colleges.
That summer before college as the time approached to take his son to school, the second father helped his son get ready. They packed all the important items he would need. They packed his cameras. They packed his lenses, the ones needed for near and for far shots. They packed his new computer, the one specially made with Final Cut Pro, the editing program he would need for the films he would create.
This second father's son was going to Film School......Hmmmmm imagine that!
Until next time!
Pam
It's Wednesday, not Tuesday, I know. I am late composing because I may or may not have been busy watching one of my children on T.V.! :)
So... this week I have been thinking a lot about the phrase, "Not in my image." I suggested in my very first blog, that one of the tenets of being a good parent is not to try and create your child in your image, or your imagined image of what they should be. I am going to tell you a tale of Two Fathers. (I of course am creating this tale, based on true stories)!
Once upon a time there were 2 fathers. One father chose to spend his professional life as a minister, the other father chose business as his profession. Both fathers had sons. I imagine they were both very excited about all the possibilities of what their sons could and would become!
The first father, spent time with his son and sent messages to his son that he wanted him to listen to his advice and do what he said and follow his path, the path that he felt his son should choose. Now I don't know all the particulars, but I do know that this son had other ideas. His own ideas of what he wanted to do and be. He tried to communicate these ideas to his father, but his father said he knew best and cared not one bit what his son thought. As time passed this father continued to tell his son what he thought and wanted his son to be.. and continued and continued and continued, until one day his son imploded, had a horrible fight with his father, even physically attacked him, and left.
The second father spent time with his son too He sent messages to his son of what he thought and ideas about what he thought his son would like. This father had really enjoyed sports during his youth and hoped his son would too! What a great thing to do together and to share. This son, however, really really liked movies! He made movies with his army men, he made movies with things he made from clay, he made movies with all his friends. His father smiled and thought, hmm movies!
One day, this second father and his son found themselves on the same basketball team. The son had tried basketball and his father, excited that his son wanted to try sports, had volunteered to be the coach. One day, in the middle , or actually near the end, of a very big game, the team ran out of subs. They all had been injured. This father asked his son, who was on the bench, to enter the game...he was needed because all the subs were out! This father's son said, "Can't do that Dad. I am filming the game." His father was exasperated! He really needed his son to enter the game, but his son said no again and said he needed to take the film. This father finished the game with only 4 players.
Now, as life went on this son grew and changed and his father listened and watched and suggested. This son found he did love sport too, but chose football. He and his father shared that together.
Time passed quickly, as is so often does, and it was time for this second father's son to make the next step. Decide what path he would take . His father listened and suggested and then helped his son fill out all the applications he needed to go to college. The son and his father were overjoyed when the acceptance letters came! He was accepted into a University with a great football program... and received his first choice of colleges.
That summer before college as the time approached to take his son to school, the second father helped his son get ready. They packed all the important items he would need. They packed his cameras. They packed his lenses, the ones needed for near and for far shots. They packed his new computer, the one specially made with Final Cut Pro, the editing program he would need for the films he would create.
This second father's son was going to Film School......Hmmmmm imagine that!
Until next time!
Pam
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Like a fine wine!
O.K...so my title this week is telling!
I have been thinking this week about a publication I picked up last week called "Wine and Spirits". It's a magazine I like to get once in a while, and this last issue was all about the best 100 wines in California and France and a few other world wine making regions.
I began to browse through the list of all the wines listed and started to think...I wonder what makes each of these wines great and how each of these winemakers accomplished creating such a great bottle of wine. My mind wandered, as it is often prone to do, and I thought..hmmm this reminds me of parenting!
Each winemaker begins with nothing except a vine. He has to decide where to plant it. What type of soil to plant the vine in. The quantity of water and sun exposure the vine needs. He has to know when to prune the vine to cut off the parts he thinks will compromise the grape, and finally decide when to harvest the grapes that the vine has produced!
Now...isn't that a great metaphor for parenting?? ( If my daughter, who is an english teacher reads this, she may admonish me if I have used the wrong english concept!) When we are brand new parents and get presented with this beautiful new baby, we have all the same choices to make as the winemaker does. We have to decide where and how and what to do to help this brand new child become an excellent person!
I think that being a great parent is just like being a great winemaker! We have to decide what this particular vintage of child needs! Some need lots of sun, some need lots of rain, some need extra pruning, and some even need to be left alone a lot to thrive. We, as the parents , like the winemaker, have to decide, and then provide precisely what each child needs. Some children need lots of attention. Some children need extra reassurance. Some children need tight parameters. Some children need gentle guidance. Some children need more time alone. All children need LOTS of love
As any parent who has more than one child knows, each one is different! It doesn't matter that they came from the same parents, each one has different needs, much the same as each newly planted season of grapes. The requirements to produce a great wine change each year. Each vintage of wine asks the winemaker to be an artist as well as a scientist. Knowing what the basic requirements of making wine are, the great winemakers know something else. They know that to create an excellent bottle they must also know the art of winemaking, the subtle nuances needed to manipulate and nurture their vines just right so they produce the exquisite grapes needed to create a wonderful bottle of wine.
Great parents need to do the same things. They need to know what the basic requirements are for caring for their children, and then like a great winemaker, know the art of parenting. They need to know how to nurture, care for and provide just the right ingredients each of their children need. When you do that, imagine how wonderfully each of your children will grow!
Who knows, maybe one day your own efforts could be rewarded. Your children may be highlighted in national publications, or recognized in school district publications, or begin making their own films.. and then, best of all, thank you for helping them get there!
Until next time,
Pam
I have been thinking this week about a publication I picked up last week called "Wine and Spirits". It's a magazine I like to get once in a while, and this last issue was all about the best 100 wines in California and France and a few other world wine making regions.
I began to browse through the list of all the wines listed and started to think...I wonder what makes each of these wines great and how each of these winemakers accomplished creating such a great bottle of wine. My mind wandered, as it is often prone to do, and I thought..hmmm this reminds me of parenting!
Each winemaker begins with nothing except a vine. He has to decide where to plant it. What type of soil to plant the vine in. The quantity of water and sun exposure the vine needs. He has to know when to prune the vine to cut off the parts he thinks will compromise the grape, and finally decide when to harvest the grapes that the vine has produced!
Now...isn't that a great metaphor for parenting?? ( If my daughter, who is an english teacher reads this, she may admonish me if I have used the wrong english concept!) When we are brand new parents and get presented with this beautiful new baby, we have all the same choices to make as the winemaker does. We have to decide where and how and what to do to help this brand new child become an excellent person!
I think that being a great parent is just like being a great winemaker! We have to decide what this particular vintage of child needs! Some need lots of sun, some need lots of rain, some need extra pruning, and some even need to be left alone a lot to thrive. We, as the parents , like the winemaker, have to decide, and then provide precisely what each child needs. Some children need lots of attention. Some children need extra reassurance. Some children need tight parameters. Some children need gentle guidance. Some children need more time alone. All children need LOTS of love
As any parent who has more than one child knows, each one is different! It doesn't matter that they came from the same parents, each one has different needs, much the same as each newly planted season of grapes. The requirements to produce a great wine change each year. Each vintage of wine asks the winemaker to be an artist as well as a scientist. Knowing what the basic requirements of making wine are, the great winemakers know something else. They know that to create an excellent bottle they must also know the art of winemaking, the subtle nuances needed to manipulate and nurture their vines just right so they produce the exquisite grapes needed to create a wonderful bottle of wine.
Great parents need to do the same things. They need to know what the basic requirements are for caring for their children, and then like a great winemaker, know the art of parenting. They need to know how to nurture, care for and provide just the right ingredients each of their children need. When you do that, imagine how wonderfully each of your children will grow!
Who knows, maybe one day your own efforts could be rewarded. Your children may be highlighted in national publications, or recognized in school district publications, or begin making their own films.. and then, best of all, thank you for helping them get there!
Until next time,
Pam
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Basics
Hi,
It's Tuesday!
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this week's blog. Over the course of the last week, I have had the unique opportunity to spend many hours conversing with one of my adult children about parents and parenting. Her profession requires her to spend lots of time with young adults. This has led me to the idea that before I continue to comment on styles of parenting and parenting choices, I first need to talk about the basics!
In thinking back to what I have written these past few weeks, I realize that parenting is perhaps an even greater challenge than I had originally considered.. and I consider that parenting is hard. Are we victims to the type of parenting we receive? Are we destined to make the same mistakes over and over? Does our economic status create the type of parent we are? Do we have any choice in what type of parent we are? Do cycles have to repeat? I can not claim to have a definitive answer. I do claim however, to have passionate opinions and strong instincts.
When I was talking with my daughter about the issues she is confronted with daily, I began thinking about parenting and choices adults make. I don't think that anyone who brings a child into this world begins with the premise of how can I mess this lovely little being up! I do think that life and the places we have come from can make being a good parent harder. I don't think that economics is a defining factor in who will or will not be a good parent. Sometimes adults from even the best of life's economic groups make lousy parents! We can read about this any day in publications from around the world !
Good parenting is a conscious choice. Is it harder if you have to spend more time than others wondering how to keep your kids safe and how to get food on the table? I suppose it may be, but what about the parents who don't have any of those worries and still make lousy choices? I suggest that good parenting is an absence of selfishness . Good parents choose in their child's best interest. Good parents make the hard choice. That hard choice may be to feed their kids instead of themselves, or not go on that fancy trip because their child has a performance or event they would otherwise miss.
Good parenting means that you put your child first, that once you bring that person into this world your needs are secondary. Your child's needs are first. Good parenting means you continually demonstrate that your children are important through what you do, not just what you say. My Dad used to say "Do as I say and not as I do!" I love you Dad, but I disagree. Good parenting means that you take the time and all the time that is necessary to do the right thing. Good parenting means you work hard to both say and do the right thing. If you mess up, and you will because we are all human, try again!
Demonstrate through your thoughts, and words and most importantly your actions that your children come first. That you are there for them, that you love them unconditionally and that they can count on you. Those basics don't cost a thing.
Back to the basics. The basics of good parenting, they don't cost a thing and just might create a priceless commodity..
Healthy, well adjusted adults!
Until next time!
Pam
It's Tuesday!
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this week's blog. Over the course of the last week, I have had the unique opportunity to spend many hours conversing with one of my adult children about parents and parenting. Her profession requires her to spend lots of time with young adults. This has led me to the idea that before I continue to comment on styles of parenting and parenting choices, I first need to talk about the basics!
In thinking back to what I have written these past few weeks, I realize that parenting is perhaps an even greater challenge than I had originally considered.. and I consider that parenting is hard. Are we victims to the type of parenting we receive? Are we destined to make the same mistakes over and over? Does our economic status create the type of parent we are? Do we have any choice in what type of parent we are? Do cycles have to repeat? I can not claim to have a definitive answer. I do claim however, to have passionate opinions and strong instincts.
When I was talking with my daughter about the issues she is confronted with daily, I began thinking about parenting and choices adults make. I don't think that anyone who brings a child into this world begins with the premise of how can I mess this lovely little being up! I do think that life and the places we have come from can make being a good parent harder. I don't think that economics is a defining factor in who will or will not be a good parent. Sometimes adults from even the best of life's economic groups make lousy parents! We can read about this any day in publications from around the world !
Good parenting is a conscious choice. Is it harder if you have to spend more time than others wondering how to keep your kids safe and how to get food on the table? I suppose it may be, but what about the parents who don't have any of those worries and still make lousy choices? I suggest that good parenting is an absence of selfishness . Good parents choose in their child's best interest. Good parents make the hard choice. That hard choice may be to feed their kids instead of themselves, or not go on that fancy trip because their child has a performance or event they would otherwise miss.
Good parenting means that you put your child first, that once you bring that person into this world your needs are secondary. Your child's needs are first. Good parenting means you continually demonstrate that your children are important through what you do, not just what you say. My Dad used to say "Do as I say and not as I do!" I love you Dad, but I disagree. Good parenting means that you take the time and all the time that is necessary to do the right thing. Good parenting means you work hard to both say and do the right thing. If you mess up, and you will because we are all human, try again!
Demonstrate through your thoughts, and words and most importantly your actions that your children come first. That you are there for them, that you love them unconditionally and that they can count on you. Those basics don't cost a thing.
Back to the basics. The basics of good parenting, they don't cost a thing and just might create a priceless commodity..
Healthy, well adjusted adults!
Until next time!
Pam
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Cherish is the word!
Hello!
I am pretending that today is Tuesday!
I was out of town this last weekend and was thinking a lot about my children, who are all now adults, and smiling because they are all doing things that I may or may not have imagined them doing. I like that phrase in one of the Hallmark cards or signs that we all have seen, that says "Cherish your children for who they are, not for what you want them to be." How great a statement that is!
I know that each of us has hopes and dreams when we get that little person the first time. We get to hold that brand new body and marvel at the miracle that life is. One of my friends just became a grandmother and I can hear it in her voice.. marveling once again at her new grandson,imagining all the things he can become.
You know, I think that can be one of the hardest parts of being a parent. Of course there are lots of hard parts, but this part asks each of us to really be a grown up. We have to put our own desires aside and fill each of our kids buckets with what floats their boats! I like that phrase "fill their buckets". I saw that someone actually wrote a book about that and I thought..DARN..I was too slow. That phrase is a good visual because it gives us all an image we can utilize in parenting well. Think about it, if you take the time to help fill your child's life bucket with all the things that matter to them, provide opportunities for them to explore what excites them, listen to what is important to them, and keep adding to it, they will have the best tool necessary to find their own way. That doesn't mean their life will be without challenges, but it does mean that they will be better equipped to handle life on their terms. If you're at the beach sometime, watch a child as they make a sand castle. When the sand bucket is full and filled to overflowing, the castle stand up on it's own! Voila! (that's french for ta da!) there is a solid foundation for more to be added and the castle has the chance to become a masterpiece impervious to the elements around it!
So take the time. Look, listen, suggest, (not nag) and see what excites your child. Fill up their bucket, make it overflow with all sorts of good stuff so that when life presents its challenges, and you know it will, their castle can stand strong!
You never know. You could get a phone call like I did last week saying that one of your children gets to go to Washington and meet with one of the White House chefs! Who ever imagined that one of my children would have a career in cheese? Certainly not me!
Until next till next time!
Pam
I am pretending that today is Tuesday!
I was out of town this last weekend and was thinking a lot about my children, who are all now adults, and smiling because they are all doing things that I may or may not have imagined them doing. I like that phrase in one of the Hallmark cards or signs that we all have seen, that says "Cherish your children for who they are, not for what you want them to be." How great a statement that is!
I know that each of us has hopes and dreams when we get that little person the first time. We get to hold that brand new body and marvel at the miracle that life is. One of my friends just became a grandmother and I can hear it in her voice.. marveling once again at her new grandson,imagining all the things he can become.
You know, I think that can be one of the hardest parts of being a parent. Of course there are lots of hard parts, but this part asks each of us to really be a grown up. We have to put our own desires aside and fill each of our kids buckets with what floats their boats! I like that phrase "fill their buckets". I saw that someone actually wrote a book about that and I thought..DARN..I was too slow. That phrase is a good visual because it gives us all an image we can utilize in parenting well. Think about it, if you take the time to help fill your child's life bucket with all the things that matter to them, provide opportunities for them to explore what excites them, listen to what is important to them, and keep adding to it, they will have the best tool necessary to find their own way. That doesn't mean their life will be without challenges, but it does mean that they will be better equipped to handle life on their terms. If you're at the beach sometime, watch a child as they make a sand castle. When the sand bucket is full and filled to overflowing, the castle stand up on it's own! Voila! (that's french for ta da!) there is a solid foundation for more to be added and the castle has the chance to become a masterpiece impervious to the elements around it!
So take the time. Look, listen, suggest, (not nag) and see what excites your child. Fill up their bucket, make it overflow with all sorts of good stuff so that when life presents its challenges, and you know it will, their castle can stand strong!
You never know. You could get a phone call like I did last week saying that one of your children gets to go to Washington and meet with one of the White House chefs! Who ever imagined that one of my children would have a career in cheese? Certainly not me!
Until next till next time!
Pam
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Be Mindful of what you do!
Hello,
So it's Tuesday and I have been laying low because having the opportunity to work with small children means I also have the opportunity to experience..first hand.. some of the new germs that are out there each Fall!!
While I was lying around and generally contemplating what to write about today, I decided to treat myself and watch a movie...because I had absolutely no inspiration..I chose the movie "Away We Go" directed by Sam Mendes (I would recommend watching it) and I had an "Ah Ha" moment!
The movie is truly funny, touching and a commentary on parenting. There are a variety of people these two young soon to be parents visit as they try to figure out where to live and how they want to parent their child. Of course it's a movie, so there has to be some crazy examples of parents or it wouldn't be entertaining. The thing is though, that some of the parents they show I have met..well not technically, but in substance!
I would argue that as parents we have a choice, where the children we bring into this world don't! It doesn't matter if you give birth, adopt, use a surrogate, or use invetro fertilization, we, as adults, still get to choose. Children on the other hand, do not. They don't get to choose a parent, they are stuck with the ones they get! I would suggest then that it is our first responsibility to try our best to DO NO HARM!
The parents in this movie did all sorts of horrendous things. They insulted their children, demeaned their children, spoke poorly about them (while the kids were right in front of them) forgot to feed them, forgot they were watching when the adults were really drunk, or talking about sex .. just to name a few of the behaviors.( O.K..parents don't have to be perfect, but come on!)
Bottom line, we are the adults in their lives. Kids look to us to care for them, protect them, show them we love them, build them up, say they can become anything...and demonstrate that they are valuable and irreplaceable. I would suggest that we all have choices to make when we parent our children and the choices we make, and the messages we give our children has EVERYTHING to do with the type of person they become.
Remember, we get to choose.. so choose wisely, be mindful of what you say and do. So instead of "Away We Go"... there you go! DO NO HARM...your children need that from you!
Until next time!
Pam
So it's Tuesday and I have been laying low because having the opportunity to work with small children means I also have the opportunity to experience..first hand.. some of the new germs that are out there each Fall!!
While I was lying around and generally contemplating what to write about today, I decided to treat myself and watch a movie...because I had absolutely no inspiration..I chose the movie "Away We Go" directed by Sam Mendes (I would recommend watching it) and I had an "Ah Ha" moment!
The movie is truly funny, touching and a commentary on parenting. There are a variety of people these two young soon to be parents visit as they try to figure out where to live and how they want to parent their child. Of course it's a movie, so there has to be some crazy examples of parents or it wouldn't be entertaining. The thing is though, that some of the parents they show I have met..well not technically, but in substance!
I would argue that as parents we have a choice, where the children we bring into this world don't! It doesn't matter if you give birth, adopt, use a surrogate, or use invetro fertilization, we, as adults, still get to choose. Children on the other hand, do not. They don't get to choose a parent, they are stuck with the ones they get! I would suggest then that it is our first responsibility to try our best to DO NO HARM!
The parents in this movie did all sorts of horrendous things. They insulted their children, demeaned their children, spoke poorly about them (while the kids were right in front of them) forgot to feed them, forgot they were watching when the adults were really drunk, or talking about sex .. just to name a few of the behaviors.( O.K..parents don't have to be perfect, but come on!)
Bottom line, we are the adults in their lives. Kids look to us to care for them, protect them, show them we love them, build them up, say they can become anything...and demonstrate that they are valuable and irreplaceable. I would suggest that we all have choices to make when we parent our children and the choices we make, and the messages we give our children has EVERYTHING to do with the type of person they become.
Remember, we get to choose.. so choose wisely, be mindful of what you say and do. So instead of "Away We Go"... there you go! DO NO HARM...your children need that from you!
Until next time!
Pam
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Limits and boundaries..oh my!
Hello!
I was very excited about writing this weeks post. I was on a plane last weekend and had the wonderful opportunity to sit in front of a teenage-monster...for real! It brought to mind so many thoughts, I did have to stop myself from blurting out what I was thinking, as I am almost certain that my comments would have been inappropriate and unappreciated.
Let me tell you the story. This young person..probably around the lovely age of 13-15, and yes that is a trying age, was proceeding to badger her parents about the birthday party she wanted, the amount of money she expected them to spend and then corrected her parents every and any time they challenged her and finally told them basically to "SHUT UP!" Well.... WOW!!!
You know, this type of thing doesn't just happen..o.k. sometimes all children are monsters, maybe it is innate in their DNA to behave badly occasionally, but to behave like this teenager did is learned behavior. She has been allowed and even encouraged, I would argue, to behave badly.
One of the premises of having children is the title that comes with it...i.e. PARENT.
With that title comes job responsibilty..all jobs come with responsibilities. My father in law likes to say that if a job was fun it would be called fun and not be called work...all jobs are work! The major work of a parent once you sign onto the job, is to teach your children rules of behavior. I would argue that kids want you to make them behave and when you allow them to behave badly you do them a disservice. Kids will push and push until you show when and how and where to stop...allowing your child at any age to talk poorly to you, disrespect you and tell you to "SHUT UP" means you abdicated your number one job responsibility...BE THE PARENT!
Your kids will thank you, their teachers will thank you, and society will thank you!
You may even get a bonus...someone will take the time to compliment you on how wonderful your children are..what could be better than that??
I was very excited about writing this weeks post. I was on a plane last weekend and had the wonderful opportunity to sit in front of a teenage-monster...for real! It brought to mind so many thoughts, I did have to stop myself from blurting out what I was thinking, as I am almost certain that my comments would have been inappropriate and unappreciated.
Let me tell you the story. This young person..probably around the lovely age of 13-15, and yes that is a trying age, was proceeding to badger her parents about the birthday party she wanted, the amount of money she expected them to spend and then corrected her parents every and any time they challenged her and finally told them basically to "SHUT UP!" Well.... WOW!!!
You know, this type of thing doesn't just happen..o.k. sometimes all children are monsters, maybe it is innate in their DNA to behave badly occasionally, but to behave like this teenager did is learned behavior. She has been allowed and even encouraged, I would argue, to behave badly.
One of the premises of having children is the title that comes with it...i.e. PARENT.
With that title comes job responsibilty..all jobs come with responsibilities. My father in law likes to say that if a job was fun it would be called fun and not be called work...all jobs are work! The major work of a parent once you sign onto the job, is to teach your children rules of behavior. I would argue that kids want you to make them behave and when you allow them to behave badly you do them a disservice. Kids will push and push until you show when and how and where to stop...allowing your child at any age to talk poorly to you, disrespect you and tell you to "SHUT UP" means you abdicated your number one job responsibility...BE THE PARENT!
Your kids will thank you, their teachers will thank you, and society will thank you!
You may even get a bonus...someone will take the time to compliment you on how wonderful your children are..what could be better than that??
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
No Is a GOOD word!
O.K...so kind of like time to make the doughnuts...it;s time to write my next post!
I was at preschool this morning thinking about what I would like to write about today, because it is Tuesday and I promised myself that I would write a new post every Tuesday, and while I was chatting with one of the young Moms...it came to me! The word ( and no it is not a bad word) NO! She was explaining that one of her friends likes to always be positive and not use negative language when speaking with and to her children. She asked me what I thought of that, and after a brief second of reflection,and I mean brief, I said "It's o.k. to use the word NO, as a matter of fact I think it is absolutely necessary."
She looked at me, smiled and said, "Good! Sometimes it just comes out!" I then spent the next part of 10 minutes while we watched the kids playing, and even had the occasion to use the word "No"(someone was about to pour sand all over someone else's head) explain why I think "No" is a good word.
One of the most important jobs of parenting is to teach your kids boundaries and keep them safe. They don't know how to do that, we have to teach them and show them. Think about it, if one of your kids is about to run into the street and a car is barreling down the road toward them, are you going to yell "Johnny, think about the choice you're making!" NO WAY! you are going to scream at the top of your lungs.."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO get out of the street!" You may even throw in some more choice words, of which "No" might be the nicest!
Kids want us to and need us to show them where and when and how to stop. They want to know where the boundaries are. We have to show them where they are, not once, but again and again and again. It makes kids feel safe, shows them they are loved and shows them they are important. So important, as a matter of fact that you don't even care if they are mad at you. Be their parent, they have lots of friends.
So, next time you think about using the word "No"..go ahead, do it! Your kids will love you for it!
Until next time,
Pam
I was at preschool this morning thinking about what I would like to write about today, because it is Tuesday and I promised myself that I would write a new post every Tuesday, and while I was chatting with one of the young Moms...it came to me! The word ( and no it is not a bad word) NO! She was explaining that one of her friends likes to always be positive and not use negative language when speaking with and to her children. She asked me what I thought of that, and after a brief second of reflection,and I mean brief, I said "It's o.k. to use the word NO, as a matter of fact I think it is absolutely necessary."
She looked at me, smiled and said, "Good! Sometimes it just comes out!" I then spent the next part of 10 minutes while we watched the kids playing, and even had the occasion to use the word "No"(someone was about to pour sand all over someone else's head) explain why I think "No" is a good word.
One of the most important jobs of parenting is to teach your kids boundaries and keep them safe. They don't know how to do that, we have to teach them and show them. Think about it, if one of your kids is about to run into the street and a car is barreling down the road toward them, are you going to yell "Johnny, think about the choice you're making!" NO WAY! you are going to scream at the top of your lungs.."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO get out of the street!" You may even throw in some more choice words, of which "No" might be the nicest!
Kids want us to and need us to show them where and when and how to stop. They want to know where the boundaries are. We have to show them where they are, not once, but again and again and again. It makes kids feel safe, shows them they are loved and shows them they are important. So important, as a matter of fact that you don't even care if they are mad at you. Be their parent, they have lots of friends.
So, next time you think about using the word "No"..go ahead, do it! Your kids will love you for it!
Until next time,
Pam
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Beginning...
So, I have thought a lot about writing something like this.. and with the help of one of my adult children who is far more computer literate than I, I begin!
There are all sorts of books about parenting and what to do and how to have relationships with your children and how to know what to expect when you're expecting, but I don't know that they address the most burning question of parenthood...how NOT to mess up your children too badly.
I am first of all a parent, second of all an educator and third of all a part time unprofessional counselor..I find myself in the position of having to help guide young parents through the "art" of parenting..and I do believe being a good parent is and art. There are those I am sure who think that parenting is more of a science...like a good study in human behavior, but I think not.
Being a parent in the only 24 hour 7 days a week 365(and even the 1/4) day job in the world. There are not built in vacation days, no matter how long you've been on the job, and the boss doesn't care if your sick, or tired, or just plain fed up! Actually, until children are older, they don't even care too much about you...they just want what they want and want their needs met!
So, having said all that, I throw these thoughts out for anyone who cares to consider:
First, our job as parents is to love UNCONDITIONALLY
Second, be the PARENT
Third, use the scary word "No"
Fourth, do NOT try to create the child in your image
Fifth, help them find THEIR own way
Sixth...and maybe the most important...DO NO HARM!!!!!!!
Well, there you have it...I will talk to each of these points as the blog turns! (o.k. so I am dating myself basing that thought on the old Soap Opera "As the World Turns", but what the heck many of the crazy things that happen to us as parents and families can make good material for any T.V. show...as evidenced by all the ridiculous reality shows !)
Until next time,
Pam
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