Hello!
So..there have been some ideas percolating around in this head of mine. My first thoughts about writing this blog began about a month ago when I was sitting in my chiropractors office( because yes, I am of that certain age where I am attempting to keep everything working well) and picked up the Time magazine that was next to me on one of the office tables. It caught my attention because there was a young beautiful, very pregnant, naked woman on the cover. The cover was of course, tastefully done, she was covering all the sensitive areas, but she was also in great shape! (Hmm...I wonder how she will look AFTER the baby:) ) The picture of course, is why I picked up the magazine because it attracted my attention, but looking further, the article it introduced was what then caused me to ruminate....
The article accompanying this photo, was theorizing that what our children become, starts at the very beginning of their lives, as early as their first days in the womb. I was intrigued, and read on. As I was reading, my mouth began to open, which of course is not an attractive pose to continue for any length of time. Reading on, the article began to lay out the idea that all that our children will be and can become begins much earlier than previously thought. I was fascinated and appalled, and then depressed.
All of us mothers can attest to the fact that we think a lot about our kids. We think about what they need, and how to help them, and how to make them happy and how to make sure they are growing fine and well. Mothers think about how to help their kids do well in school and have friends and how to navigate the world in general. This article made me feel mother guilt on steroids! If I am to believe this article, what I did, yes me, not their Dad, did from the moment they began to evolve inside my womb has affected who and what they are. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It was way too early for wine when I read this.
I have enough guilt about anything that has happened in their lives! I know that from the time I realized I was pregnant I truly did my best to take good care of myself, because of course now I was taking care of two people. One of us had a choice, the other one was just along for the ride. But, come on! I don't want to know that every single thing I did, or thought or did not do or did not think, made a difference that far back! I made all the conscious decisions I could to do the right thing for my unborn child. I don't want to know that anything I did even before I knew I was pregnant contributed to the type of person my kids ultimately became. I have enough mother guilt already. I do not need more!
Then, my daughter, Megan went to a seminar this past month. She brought home a book for me. I appreciated her gift, she thought this book would be interesting and provide some research for me as I look to write each of my blogs. Well, it did just that. The title of the book is "I Just Want My Kids to be Happy". Then, the subtitles say " Why You Shouldn't Say It", "Why You Shouldn't Think It", and last "What You Should Embrace Instead". Well, I couldn't get past the first title and two subtitles to even think about what to embrace instead. I have spent countless hours thinking about what to do, and what to provide to help my children find the happiness that is important to them in their lives. I have spoke about that in this format, I have even advocated that sometimes we, as parents, need to put aside what we may want for the good and ultimate happiness of our children. Now, I have a whole book suggesting something else! Yikes!!
My husband and I listened to some radio program where the commentators where talking about how each Sunday they call their kids, and by the end of the day, they are only as happy as their least happy child. Bill, my husband, and I embrace that thought! We continually comment on how we are good if our kids are good! Now, of course, we realize that that is not the only defining factor in the quality of our lives, but it is a big one! Just last night my husband had received some great news about an extremely important initiative at his company, and he was truly excited and quite happy. Yet, as we talked, he told me as good as that news was, the news he got from our son, and our youngest daughter was even. better. They had each had a conversation with their Dad about what was going on in their lives and how excited they were, and that they were truly feeling good about the direction their lives were going. They were in fact, happy. He smiled and said that news mattered most!
In ruminating over all this stuff, and thinking about what really matters, cause as you know, that is what I try hard to think about and put words to in this venue, I am going to say that helping your kids find their lives and what makes them happy, is valid and necessary to help them become who they need to be and are suppose to become. If, in doing that, I have focused too hard on trying to help them find that, and focused too hard on what I think they might need, so be it! I truly believe that our most important job as a parent is to help our kids become the best version of themselves they can be. I have to think that involves happiness.
Having said all that, I am not going to waste a minute thinking about that Time article and all that I did not know about when I was pregnant! I did the best I could taking care of myself so that my kids would arrive healthy. I have enough mother guilt without adding those extra few months in, where I had no idea what I was doing or how to be a parent. That did not start until the baby showed up! And, as for focusing my mom energy on helping my kids be happy and find their way to the happiness that works for them, sue me! Dr. Aaron Cooper, author of the above mentioned book, I know that you have thought a lot about what you wanted to say in your book, and you probably have valid points. However, I am going for the happiness factor, I feel good when my kids are happy! I like to think that I may even have had a hand in helping them figure that out!
No mother guilt for me here. Come on, we do that to ourselves enough! Celebrate when your kids are happy! I am pretty darn sure that you good parents have worked hard to help them get there!
I know last night I felt a whole bunch of satisfaction knowing that my grownup kids were doing well. For that, I am happy. Forget about feeling badly if you help your kids feel happy! They have enough to make them feel badly, if we help them find their way to happiness, good for us!
I will feel guilty again I am sure. It comes with Motherhood. Today, however, I am not going there, no matter what anybody writes or suggests!
Until next time,
Pam
Friday, November 19, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Uh Oh!!!
Hello!
So today is Monday November 8th, 2010, and I am having to think about living the advice that I give!
My youngest daughter was home this weekend. It was so lovely to have her here! I got to do the Mom thing and enjoy her company and listen to what is on her mind, and share ideas with her about the conference she attended this week about education, and how to be an even better teacher. It was great!!! I got to make her a lovely dinner (well I think it was lovely) and make her her favorite breakfast Sunday morning. We took a lovely long walk. My husband and I got to converse with her about all that she has done these last few weeks, all that she has learned, and even play with her great dog, Gus. And.....then she left! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
There you have it! My conundrum! I talk all the time on this blog about doing what is necessary and important to create fully functioning adults. People, people who are competent and able. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I believe is important to kids in the process of parenting. I think about what makes good and successful people. I hope that people listen to what I am saying, or appreciate what I am writing and sharing. Now, I have to admit, that even though I think we have done all that with our grown up kids.....I MISS THEM!
Plain and simple if you do your job right and well your kids leave! They are suppose to leave, but in the reality of that, and the exhaustion that can accompany all that you do to make that happen, you actually have to let them go. That is where I have realized that in all reality I am a weeny!!!! I tell you what is necessary to help kids grow well, what type of time and energy is important for parents to invest in their kids. I comment on filling up their buckets, loving them well, providing a good example and cherishing them for who they are and who they need to become, not for what we may want them to be. All of that is great! However, in the process of doing all that hopefully well, you do accomplish the goal of creating fully independent functioning adults. Yes, no one is perfect, that would be boring. We don't want to create perfect people, as that is actually an oxymoron!! I just know that today, Monday November 8th, my pretty fully functioning kids are now all off doing their own thing! Yay to me and my husband, I guess, ...but, crap! Now they all actually live in other cities and have that thing called "their own life."
So, why am I whining in this blog-o-sphere? I am whining because I realize that I am human too. Somewhere in the process of having these children and loving these children and guiding these children, I fell in love with each and every one of them. Actually, I think you fall in love with your children as soon as they are born, and that just reinforces itself with time and sweat equity! So, what do you do with that once they are gone????????
I read an article recently about Julie Bowen, the actress on Modern Family, which is in my opinion, a hilarious show and fun commentary on what makes family. She said that while she was pregnant with her twins, one of her doctors told her to give her children 75% of herself, and save the other 25% for herself and her life. I think that is actually a brilliant idea! Now that I am sitting here confessing that I miss my grown up kids. Of course, in the process of parenting and raising this family, I have tried to be a good example and done other things than be a Mom. I am a woman, a wife, an educator, a part time counselor , a daughter, and hopefully a good friend to many, and now attempting to become a writer...hmmm. I think that I am trying to evolve. Maybe that is why I am even writing this piece today, an attempt to evolve..admit my own short comings, tell all of you that I do not know it all! Yikes!
So, what do I do from here? I thought about that this morning before I came over to Starbucks to write. I am taking advantage of their free wi-fi and not sitting in my house. Our house has way too many pictures of my kids for me not to feel that I want to pick up the phone and do that obsessive compulsive thing I have been known to do ....call them until they pick up! I am here, writing, thinking, trying to say something useful and maybe even helpful to other parents out there. Last night I was at a an event for a local charity and was heartened by comments from parents that were there also, of kids I had in my class over the years. It felt good to hear them say that what I had done mattered, and that a few even take the time to read this blog...thanks!
The mature grown up part of me is trying to balance out the weeny part of me. Maybe that is not actually fair, or even right. Maybe the weeny part of all good moms and dads is that extra "It" factor that makes us good parents. Maybe it is the emotional part of us that allows us to give all that is necessary to create excellent adults. Maybe that is the part that lets a good mom stay home from a fun vacation offer because her son cried when she mentioned that if she went, she would be missing his concert at school, and yes there will be other concerts, but he cried...THAT matters! So this mom, in my opinion, is doing the right thing and embracing her inner weeny and staying home..there will be other vacations, but this is his only 8 year old concert. I applaud her decision!
Maybe that is the point of all my ramblings today. Maybe the point I am making is that when you fall in love with your kids, which I hope all parents do, is that you know your full time job has an expiration date on it, and that you embrace that! Do all that is necessary to create great adults, love them completely and without exception. Then, go one extra step, and show then also how to be a great adult example through what you do. Be whole and human and real and keep evolving yourself. The process of parenting becomes part time as our kids become adults, but is always full time in your hearts. That's a given. But, acknowledging that, keep growing and evolving yourself. Our kids learn volumes from that too!
O.K!!! That is what I am trying to do today! Evolve. Maybe if I sit here long enough a publisher will magically swoop in and ask me what I am writing about and love it! Who knows? It could happen.... :)
Until, next time
Pam
So today is Monday November 8th, 2010, and I am having to think about living the advice that I give!
My youngest daughter was home this weekend. It was so lovely to have her here! I got to do the Mom thing and enjoy her company and listen to what is on her mind, and share ideas with her about the conference she attended this week about education, and how to be an even better teacher. It was great!!! I got to make her a lovely dinner (well I think it was lovely) and make her her favorite breakfast Sunday morning. We took a lovely long walk. My husband and I got to converse with her about all that she has done these last few weeks, all that she has learned, and even play with her great dog, Gus. And.....then she left! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
There you have it! My conundrum! I talk all the time on this blog about doing what is necessary and important to create fully functioning adults. People, people who are competent and able. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I believe is important to kids in the process of parenting. I think about what makes good and successful people. I hope that people listen to what I am saying, or appreciate what I am writing and sharing. Now, I have to admit, that even though I think we have done all that with our grown up kids.....I MISS THEM!
Plain and simple if you do your job right and well your kids leave! They are suppose to leave, but in the reality of that, and the exhaustion that can accompany all that you do to make that happen, you actually have to let them go. That is where I have realized that in all reality I am a weeny!!!! I tell you what is necessary to help kids grow well, what type of time and energy is important for parents to invest in their kids. I comment on filling up their buckets, loving them well, providing a good example and cherishing them for who they are and who they need to become, not for what we may want them to be. All of that is great! However, in the process of doing all that hopefully well, you do accomplish the goal of creating fully independent functioning adults. Yes, no one is perfect, that would be boring. We don't want to create perfect people, as that is actually an oxymoron!! I just know that today, Monday November 8th, my pretty fully functioning kids are now all off doing their own thing! Yay to me and my husband, I guess, ...but, crap! Now they all actually live in other cities and have that thing called "their own life."
So, why am I whining in this blog-o-sphere? I am whining because I realize that I am human too. Somewhere in the process of having these children and loving these children and guiding these children, I fell in love with each and every one of them. Actually, I think you fall in love with your children as soon as they are born, and that just reinforces itself with time and sweat equity! So, what do you do with that once they are gone????????
I read an article recently about Julie Bowen, the actress on Modern Family, which is in my opinion, a hilarious show and fun commentary on what makes family. She said that while she was pregnant with her twins, one of her doctors told her to give her children 75% of herself, and save the other 25% for herself and her life. I think that is actually a brilliant idea! Now that I am sitting here confessing that I miss my grown up kids. Of course, in the process of parenting and raising this family, I have tried to be a good example and done other things than be a Mom. I am a woman, a wife, an educator, a part time counselor , a daughter, and hopefully a good friend to many, and now attempting to become a writer...hmmm. I think that I am trying to evolve. Maybe that is why I am even writing this piece today, an attempt to evolve..admit my own short comings, tell all of you that I do not know it all! Yikes!
So, what do I do from here? I thought about that this morning before I came over to Starbucks to write. I am taking advantage of their free wi-fi and not sitting in my house. Our house has way too many pictures of my kids for me not to feel that I want to pick up the phone and do that obsessive compulsive thing I have been known to do ....call them until they pick up! I am here, writing, thinking, trying to say something useful and maybe even helpful to other parents out there. Last night I was at a an event for a local charity and was heartened by comments from parents that were there also, of kids I had in my class over the years. It felt good to hear them say that what I had done mattered, and that a few even take the time to read this blog...thanks!
The mature grown up part of me is trying to balance out the weeny part of me. Maybe that is not actually fair, or even right. Maybe the weeny part of all good moms and dads is that extra "It" factor that makes us good parents. Maybe it is the emotional part of us that allows us to give all that is necessary to create excellent adults. Maybe that is the part that lets a good mom stay home from a fun vacation offer because her son cried when she mentioned that if she went, she would be missing his concert at school, and yes there will be other concerts, but he cried...THAT matters! So this mom, in my opinion, is doing the right thing and embracing her inner weeny and staying home..there will be other vacations, but this is his only 8 year old concert. I applaud her decision!
Maybe that is the point of all my ramblings today. Maybe the point I am making is that when you fall in love with your kids, which I hope all parents do, is that you know your full time job has an expiration date on it, and that you embrace that! Do all that is necessary to create great adults, love them completely and without exception. Then, go one extra step, and show then also how to be a great adult example through what you do. Be whole and human and real and keep evolving yourself. The process of parenting becomes part time as our kids become adults, but is always full time in your hearts. That's a given. But, acknowledging that, keep growing and evolving yourself. Our kids learn volumes from that too!
O.K!!! That is what I am trying to do today! Evolve. Maybe if I sit here long enough a publisher will magically swoop in and ask me what I am writing about and love it! Who knows? It could happen.... :)
Until, next time
Pam
Monday, November 1, 2010
Your worst nightmare
Hello,
This is a sobering piece for me to attempt to write today. Yesterday my Husband and I attended a wake for a very young person. A young man who died tragically, unexpectedly and altogether way too young. He was in college, loving life, thinking of all the possibilities out there for him, and now he is gone.
I know many of you will have seen the story on the news about the young man who died while taping the Notre Dame football practice, he is this young man.
I did not have the privilege of knowing this young man. We did, however, know his father when we were not much younger than this young man was. My husband knew his father well while he was in grade school and high school, and I got to meet him as the girlfriend of the friend. Much time has passed since then, people don't see each other much, but the connection alone, was reason enough to go pay our respects. We have children near the same age, and our hearts are breaking for this family.
We arrived at the funeral home and waited for 3 hours to pay our respects to his parents. After we did, there were still people waiting in line, probably for another 3 hours,such was the enormous outpouring of support from people who were and are somehow connected to this family. A family that now has changed.
As my husband and I drove back home, we were quiet at first, and then sighed. What a terrible waste. Although we could attempt to imagine the horrific pain that family is in, I am sure we have no idea what is actually going on. We took that moment to call each of our children and tell them how much we love them. How much they matter to us.
I spend a lot of time on this blog writing about what I think matters most in the process of being a good parent. I am truly passionate about parenting and all that makes someone a good parent. I think about what I want to say. I hope to try and make a difference in people's minds as they make the choices and decisions involved with raising children. Today, I am going to say what truly matters most of all.....LOVE!
We spend time thinking about all the nuances of daily family life. The shopping, the cooking, the laundry, the running around, the balancing of career and family, the money we spend and make, yet I would bet my whole life on the fact that today, November 1st 2010, the family that just lost their son, doesn't care one bit about any of that stuff.
What matters is that we take the time to love. To let our children always know they are loved. To make the phone call to someone away at college, to hug your child who is close, to spend some extra time at dinner telling your kids what special people they are, and that you love them more than you can find words to express.
Love, that is all that matters. Not accomplishments, not grades, not sports, not popularity; nothing except love.
Love your children, and never ever pass up a chance to tell them that.
Go find your kids, big and small, and love them.
Until next time,
Pam
This is a sobering piece for me to attempt to write today. Yesterday my Husband and I attended a wake for a very young person. A young man who died tragically, unexpectedly and altogether way too young. He was in college, loving life, thinking of all the possibilities out there for him, and now he is gone.
I know many of you will have seen the story on the news about the young man who died while taping the Notre Dame football practice, he is this young man.
I did not have the privilege of knowing this young man. We did, however, know his father when we were not much younger than this young man was. My husband knew his father well while he was in grade school and high school, and I got to meet him as the girlfriend of the friend. Much time has passed since then, people don't see each other much, but the connection alone, was reason enough to go pay our respects. We have children near the same age, and our hearts are breaking for this family.
We arrived at the funeral home and waited for 3 hours to pay our respects to his parents. After we did, there were still people waiting in line, probably for another 3 hours,such was the enormous outpouring of support from people who were and are somehow connected to this family. A family that now has changed.
As my husband and I drove back home, we were quiet at first, and then sighed. What a terrible waste. Although we could attempt to imagine the horrific pain that family is in, I am sure we have no idea what is actually going on. We took that moment to call each of our children and tell them how much we love them. How much they matter to us.
I spend a lot of time on this blog writing about what I think matters most in the process of being a good parent. I am truly passionate about parenting and all that makes someone a good parent. I think about what I want to say. I hope to try and make a difference in people's minds as they make the choices and decisions involved with raising children. Today, I am going to say what truly matters most of all.....LOVE!
We spend time thinking about all the nuances of daily family life. The shopping, the cooking, the laundry, the running around, the balancing of career and family, the money we spend and make, yet I would bet my whole life on the fact that today, November 1st 2010, the family that just lost their son, doesn't care one bit about any of that stuff.
What matters is that we take the time to love. To let our children always know they are loved. To make the phone call to someone away at college, to hug your child who is close, to spend some extra time at dinner telling your kids what special people they are, and that you love them more than you can find words to express.
Love, that is all that matters. Not accomplishments, not grades, not sports, not popularity; nothing except love.
Love your children, and never ever pass up a chance to tell them that.
Go find your kids, big and small, and love them.
Until next time,
Pam
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