Hello!
This week's blog will be a bit different.
In the past two weeks or so, I have been appalled at the number of horrific stories both on TV and in print about bullying. Bullying to the max, bullying to the point of death. Death to a number of young people who have decided that rather than continue on with their very young lives, that the only way to feel better is to commit suicide! Wow! How very sad. What caused them to feel this way? How did they get to that point?
My research began when I heard a story on TV about a high school in Ohio that has had an alarming increase in the number of teen suicides caused by bullying of young people who were deemed different, ridiculed and ostracized by their classmates. Two of the young people were gay, one was handicapped and one was new to the school and the country, from Europe. After that, I read and heard the horrific story of a young gay man at Rutgers University who's roommate webcammed him while he was with another man and published the photos all over the school and the internet. The young man jumped off the George Washington Bridge, so traumatized was he by the insensitivity of what his roommate chose to do. Lastly, my friend Erika, gave me an article that was in the October 10th New York Times titled "The Playground Gets Even Tougher." The article is a commentary on how young children are beginning to experience bullying and taunting and meanness that usually wouldn't begin until adolescence.
O.K. ...here goes. I am appalled at this information! I realize that to a certain percent, growing up involves the often painful process of navigating childhood and adolescence. Kids can be quite mean. I know that. I also know that parents can not be with their children 24/7. I know that as children grow they will have to meet and solve the challenges that present. I know that adults are not always able to know what their children are up to. I know that all children have a mind of their own, BUT I would argue that one of the main things children absorb as they are growing up, is the behavior they see exhibited around them from the people who are most influential in their development...ie..parents.
It is truly challenging in this day and age I would think to raise your children. From all the things kids are exposed to on TV, reality shows, prime time soap operas, even Hannah Montana, magazines, newspaper photos, and the internet it has to be hard to keep a handle on what kids are seeing and what they are able to have access to. However, kids still are kids and the biggest influence in their lives, no matter what, is the parents that raise them. Moms and Dads, you are responsible for the behavior your kids demonstrate. You are their primary source of information on how the world works and what should be done in it.
In the article titled "The Playground Gets Even Tougher" a number of the people from psychologists, to teachers, to associate principals point to the behavior of the parents of the kids who are the "mean girls" the kids who are treating others poorly. It seems that the kids doing the bullying, the ostracizing, the terrorizing of others learn this behavior from the people who are suppose to be teaching them the proper rules of social conduct. Their parents. The article talks about mothers who are proud that their daughters are the popular ones and are complicit in the process of demeaning and mistreating girls who are not part of the " in group". Why is this? Is it possible that these parents didn't get what they needed when they were growing up? Did they learn to feel better about themselves by putting others down? Is that what they learned? I bet it is.
Being a good parent is hard. It is the hardest job on earth to do well. I know that all good parents love their children and want them to do well in life, to be able to have friends, succeed in school and become competent adults. To that end, come on parents!! Do the right thing. Give your kids the right examples of how to live and how to behave. Show them how to be kind, how to be accepting of others. Demonstrate tolerance, demonstrate acceptance. Be the kind of parent that is a good role model. Help your kids learn how to become kind, loving people through your words and actions every day. Give your children what they need so that they will be able to resist becoming part of this growing problem of bullying and meanness. I think that if we as parents take the time to care for each of our children well, fill up their buckets with good stuff, like love and time, they won't need to undermine or bully others. Even take the time to do the unfun stuff of correcting bad behavior. Joan Cusack had a funny line in a movie I like called, "Raising Helen", where she disciplines a young teenager, yet tells him he isn't a bad person he is just behaving very badly! Do all that, even the hard stuff, and kids will be confident enough in themselves to accept different, to be tolerant, to befriend others because they know who they are. They will have had parents who have taught them well. Parents who have given them the ability to love themselves enough so that they don't need to undermine others in order to feel good.
Doing the right thing is often not the easy thing...but come on Good Parents!!! Hang in there, do the right thing, teach your children well. Before you know it they will be all grown up! Hang in there, so when they are, you can pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Who knows...if you do that, you might even have the pleasure of your grown up children asking you how you did it! Now, that's worth it!
Until next time,
Pam
Monday, October 18, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Football and parenting?
Hello!
I am back sooner this time. My motivation comes again from my daughter and her words of wisdom sent back to me yesterday during our afternoon phone conversation. Actually, her words of wisdom were directed to me through her father as they were chatting and in good fun, teasing me. I have become a quasi crazy Texas Longhorns football fan. I like basketball also, but to the amusement of most of my family, I am truly a committed Longhorn football fan. I would guess that even my son, who actually went to The University of Texas, and is a texas graduate, is amused by the level of fan-hood I have achieved!
My husband actually says he believes I would run off with Mack Brown, Texas' head football coach, if the opportunity presented itself. Not true, but entertaining.
Thus, it is time for my story. On Saturday the Texas Longhorns lost their second game of the season. That is not good! I have been conditioned over the past 4 year when my son attended UT, to expect them to win, and win well every time, even in close hard games. Well, this year it seems, is not going to be like that. In Sports terms, this is a "rebuilding year." So, why am I even talking about all of this???? What does this even have to do with the concept of parents and parenting??? Here is the connection. As my daughter, Megan, and I were talking I was lamenting, well actually whining about the state of this year's Longhorn football team and it's struggles. Megan, through her father, asked him to remind me of this, "Mom, cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." AH HA! She used one of my own lines back on me. Now, of course the Texas Longhorn football players are not my children, but, to me the crazed fan, I laughed! Of course perspective is always necessary!
So I started thinking. When you love something, or someone, it is hard to accept struggles and struggling. You want to fix it you want to offer advice you want to provide solutions. Thus my Texas Longhorns and parenting. A lesson again to think about. As we become parents and experience all that happens because of it, we although most often well intentioned, may loose sight of what is the end goal in this whole parenting and being a parent thing. Along the way it can be easy to get lost in the ideas, dreams, and goals we have for our kids. These well meaning and well intentioned thoughts, can actually become a problem in the process if we forget what the whole goal is. I think one of the most important goals of good parenting is to of course, "Cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." (As Megan well reminded me of ... in my love for the Longhorns!)
The ability to take yourself out of the design process of parenting is hard, but necessary in order to help your children become who they are suppose to be and who I truly believe, they are meant to be. In the process of bringing home baby, raising toddlers, moving onto elementary school, junior high, high school, college and beyond, it is the fully formed parent that can remove themselves from the identity of their children. I, honestly, keep working on that! It is of course fabulous and wonderful when your kids do well, and become accomplished adults. We want to congratulate ourselves and be proud of who are children have become! I think all of that is right, and good, and even justified, but...always remember that our ultimate job as parents is to provide the right type of environment and setting that encourages and embraces what is important and fulfilling to our children. Children, although always part of us, are not meant to be created in our image. Good parents need to always be thinking about what their kids need in order to become the best example of themselves. It is the wise and intelligent parent who can continue to evolve and adjust through each stage of their child's development. The parent who can see what is needed at each stage, and sometimes even find the right resource to help them do that. I have said in the past that I have a wise psychologist that I have the pleasure of consulting in my own path of evolving as a parent. Her advice is the same for every stage of parenting. Know your children, see what is needed, adjust and evolve accordingly!
Well, there you have it. My words of my perceived wisdom this week! A lesson to myself via my daughter. Remember to always cherish your children for who they are, not for what you want them to be. Loving someone unconditionally requires that. I guess that may even have to apply to my loved, yet struggling Texas Longhons!!
Until next time!
Pam
I am back sooner this time. My motivation comes again from my daughter and her words of wisdom sent back to me yesterday during our afternoon phone conversation. Actually, her words of wisdom were directed to me through her father as they were chatting and in good fun, teasing me. I have become a quasi crazy Texas Longhorns football fan. I like basketball also, but to the amusement of most of my family, I am truly a committed Longhorn football fan. I would guess that even my son, who actually went to The University of Texas, and is a texas graduate, is amused by the level of fan-hood I have achieved!
My husband actually says he believes I would run off with Mack Brown, Texas' head football coach, if the opportunity presented itself. Not true, but entertaining.
Thus, it is time for my story. On Saturday the Texas Longhorns lost their second game of the season. That is not good! I have been conditioned over the past 4 year when my son attended UT, to expect them to win, and win well every time, even in close hard games. Well, this year it seems, is not going to be like that. In Sports terms, this is a "rebuilding year." So, why am I even talking about all of this???? What does this even have to do with the concept of parents and parenting??? Here is the connection. As my daughter, Megan, and I were talking I was lamenting, well actually whining about the state of this year's Longhorn football team and it's struggles. Megan, through her father, asked him to remind me of this, "Mom, cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." AH HA! She used one of my own lines back on me. Now, of course the Texas Longhorn football players are not my children, but, to me the crazed fan, I laughed! Of course perspective is always necessary!
So I started thinking. When you love something, or someone, it is hard to accept struggles and struggling. You want to fix it you want to offer advice you want to provide solutions. Thus my Texas Longhorns and parenting. A lesson again to think about. As we become parents and experience all that happens because of it, we although most often well intentioned, may loose sight of what is the end goal in this whole parenting and being a parent thing. Along the way it can be easy to get lost in the ideas, dreams, and goals we have for our kids. These well meaning and well intentioned thoughts, can actually become a problem in the process if we forget what the whole goal is. I think one of the most important goals of good parenting is to of course, "Cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." (As Megan well reminded me of ... in my love for the Longhorns!)
The ability to take yourself out of the design process of parenting is hard, but necessary in order to help your children become who they are suppose to be and who I truly believe, they are meant to be. In the process of bringing home baby, raising toddlers, moving onto elementary school, junior high, high school, college and beyond, it is the fully formed parent that can remove themselves from the identity of their children. I, honestly, keep working on that! It is of course fabulous and wonderful when your kids do well, and become accomplished adults. We want to congratulate ourselves and be proud of who are children have become! I think all of that is right, and good, and even justified, but...always remember that our ultimate job as parents is to provide the right type of environment and setting that encourages and embraces what is important and fulfilling to our children. Children, although always part of us, are not meant to be created in our image. Good parents need to always be thinking about what their kids need in order to become the best example of themselves. It is the wise and intelligent parent who can continue to evolve and adjust through each stage of their child's development. The parent who can see what is needed at each stage, and sometimes even find the right resource to help them do that. I have said in the past that I have a wise psychologist that I have the pleasure of consulting in my own path of evolving as a parent. Her advice is the same for every stage of parenting. Know your children, see what is needed, adjust and evolve accordingly!
Well, there you have it. My words of my perceived wisdom this week! A lesson to myself via my daughter. Remember to always cherish your children for who they are, not for what you want them to be. Loving someone unconditionally requires that. I guess that may even have to apply to my loved, yet struggling Texas Longhons!!
Until next time!
Pam
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)