Hello!
It has been a bit of time since my last post! There have been graduations and travel and family and Father's day and today an anniversary!
Today is my husband and my 31st wedding anniversary and I am proud of it! We have worked hard to get to this point and it made me think about the title of this post....."All you don't know!"
As I was thinking about what to write, it made me ponder the beginning of our marriage. My husband and I were babies when we began our adventure. We got married at the young old age of 22 and really did think we were grown ups at the time. We knew we were ready to begin a new phase and get on with the adult stuff of life! HA! All that we did not know!
My husband and I had known each other a long time before we got married. We were the proverbial high school sweethearts, of course there were bumps along the way, and we were not together during all of that time, but for the most part we were. So, when the time came and it was our first wedding anniversary, we decided we were ready to begin this whole parenting thing. We wanted to be young parents so that we could have the energy and the physical ability to run around with our kids and enjoy their growing up. We were quite lucky I now realize, because we were pregnant right away! Our oldest daughter, Anne was born when we were 24, our second daughter, Megan, was born when we were 26 and our son, Bill, was born right after I turned 31...my husband is a mere baby and he was still 30! I always complimented him on his wisdom of marrying an older woman! So, there we have it. In a short period of time we were parents with a gusto!
Before my husband and I had our children we spent a great deal of time talking about what we thought our parenting style would be and how we wanted to raise our children. I do believe that exercise was important, but to be honest, part of that has to go out the window when the reality of parenting is at hand! I know in my first post I wrote what I thought were the tenets of good parenting; 1. Love unconditionally 2. Be the PARENT 3. Use the scary word "No" 4. Do not try to create the child in your image 5. Help each child find their own way and, 6. DO NO HARM
Upon review, I think those ideas are pretty good! I do not know that my husband and I consciously tried to practice all these tenets each and every day or even knew we were trying to accomplish those ideas. I do know that we were always trying hard to be mindful of what each day brought and how we interacted and reacted to and with our kids. Some times of course were lovely and some times were the EXACT opposite. I know that when we were all starry eyed and brought our first daughter, Anne, home that we had absolutely no idea what to do. I do not care how many parenting classes you take, you have NO idea what you are doing when you bring your first child home. I will give you this example. When Anne needed to be changed that first night she was in our exclusive care, we changed her on our bed and it took her peeing all over it 4 times before we got the idea, that "AH HA" that is not the best plan. Or course we did then put a towel down and that eliminated that problem. But of course, that was a relatively easy problem to solve and so off we went from there into the realm of parents and parenting.
As time has passed of course my husband and I have gotten much better at problem solving as parents then we were that first night. I would like to think we do not need 4 chances to get it right at this juncture! I will say that with the time we have spent parenting I do believe we have been able to do a lot well. We have put in the time and the work. I think that is the most important thing good parents do.
This past weekend, as it was Father's day, there was a letter to the editor in the Chicago Tribune that a son wrote about his father. The basic premise of the article was that this person, this son, came from a family of somewhat modest means and a family where the father had to work odd hours and sometimes 2 jobs. The mom had to work also, so the parents were quite busy making ends meet in all ways for their family. The subject of the article was about what really mattered to this man as he reflected on father's day and about his parents. His conclusion was that being present, being there, taking time was the most important gift his father gave to him. As this was a reflection on father's day the article specifically talked to an incident where this man remembered an important event in his growing up. He had a presentation to give and had asked his parents to please be there. His mom said she was sorry but his younger brother was ill and she had to attend to him. His father reminded his son that unfortunately he had to work different hours that day and would not be able to attend either. The son accepted that, but was of course sad. This man shared that as he was finishing his presentation, he looked up and saw that his Dad was standing right there in the audience, smiling at him and clapped furiously when his presentation was over. All these years later, that is what this man remembers. He remembers that his father somehow made it to this event that was so important to him. His father took the time, he made sure he was there. He was present.
So, in all that we often do not know as parents and for all that we can constantly learn and improve upon as parents, maybe the most important lesson is to just "Be there." Everyone can know that. Be there, be present, take the time. I would argue that is the most important part of parenting well. Although scheduling can be tricky, there is nothing hard about being present and being there. Take the time, be there for your children.
You never know, you may get asked to go on a road trip to Ohio to be there to help your daughter find a new place to live as she begins the next phase of her adult life and starts a new job and a new journey!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
A continuum
Hello!!
It has been a few weeks since I last sat down to write what goes around in this brain of mine! Since that time we have had the opportunity to watch our youngest son graduate from college, our youngest daughter be offered a new job in a different state and our oldest daughter make the giant leap of cohabitation! Now.... that is a lot!
I have also had a bit of feedback from those of you that look to accommodate me and read this blog every once in a while. Thanks for all the comments. I truly appreciate it! Life is an interesting process that we all participate in!
In thinking about all that has happened in the last few weeks, I have to say ..YEAH!!!!! Yeah to all my kids, yeah to all that we celebrated and yeah to each of them for figuring out what works for them and taking the steps to get there. I have to say that it is a weird, yet also wonderful feeling having our last child graduate from college. I have to admit that I have spent a bit of time looking in the mirror and saying "What?? Is that me??" The cliche works here, it seems that your kids grow and evolve and you don't seem to notice the time that has passed. Gary Meir (not sure about the spelling) on WGN says that once you reach 50 it seems that you are having breakfast every 15 minutes. I think he's onto something!
It is the ultimate pleasure of parenting and being a parent to watch your kids find their way. It is also gut wrenching at times as they go through the struggles that each one of them has to figure out. I ran into a woman that I have not had the pleasure of seeing for a while, and we were catching up on where each of our kids are. Her youngest son is the age of our oldest daughter. She was sharing with me the thought that she wished her mom would have "manned up" and told her the secret that parenting does not get easier after 18. You are not done being a parent once you have sent your kids off to college or into the world to pursue a career...you are just truly starting with the really hard stuff! Once your kids are grown and able to care for themselves, the big problems or if you are a positive thinker at heart, "opportunities" start! Your children now have to be grownups on their own and solve and decide what works in their lives, and what doesn't. The kicker here is that you can not put a bandaide on and make it all better...they have to figure it all out themselves. Now, that does not mean that you are not a player in these scenarios... the difference is that you do not get to fix whatever "ails" them. You have to be a good coach. Know when to talk, know when to listen and just know when to shut up! I have to admit that for me, the part about shutting up is the hardest. I hope that I will be able to continue to evolve and ask the question.."Do you want my opinion?" However, no matter what the answer to that question is, they still are the drivers , you are just a bystander, of course a very interested bystander, but still a bystander.
Each one of our children needs something different from us as they become adults. Some personalities want more involvement, some want less and some will probably be a hybrid of the two. I think the key to continuing to be an effective and helpful person in your child's life, no matter how old they are, is to be able to discern what is the best role for you to play and how to best help them. I talked recently with a psychologist that I respect about how to evolve as children grow. She used the term "transformative parenting". Her definition of that meant that as children grow our job is to transform from hands on to hands off. Become a good advisor, even when it is killing you....don't think your job is to solve the problem your child is facing. Your job is to provide advice, if asked for and be there. That is it! Our job as kids grow each year is to be less hands on and more hands off....be the good coach.
So, as I look to where each of our children are now, I have to say that being the part of the "good coach" is what I am continuing to strive for. And, as each of them meets the challenges and "opportunities" that life presents I am thrilled to be right there on the sideline cheering them on and even occasionally yelling "WAY TO GO!!!!!!""
I do have to admit that that is the good stuff. Being right there to celebrate our son's graduation from college, our daughter's job offer, and our daughter's choice to take the next step with a good man she loves...so here goes.....
"WAY TO GO GUYS"!!!!!!!
Until next time,
Pam
It has been a few weeks since I last sat down to write what goes around in this brain of mine! Since that time we have had the opportunity to watch our youngest son graduate from college, our youngest daughter be offered a new job in a different state and our oldest daughter make the giant leap of cohabitation! Now.... that is a lot!
I have also had a bit of feedback from those of you that look to accommodate me and read this blog every once in a while. Thanks for all the comments. I truly appreciate it! Life is an interesting process that we all participate in!
In thinking about all that has happened in the last few weeks, I have to say ..YEAH!!!!! Yeah to all my kids, yeah to all that we celebrated and yeah to each of them for figuring out what works for them and taking the steps to get there. I have to say that it is a weird, yet also wonderful feeling having our last child graduate from college. I have to admit that I have spent a bit of time looking in the mirror and saying "What?? Is that me??" The cliche works here, it seems that your kids grow and evolve and you don't seem to notice the time that has passed. Gary Meir (not sure about the spelling) on WGN says that once you reach 50 it seems that you are having breakfast every 15 minutes. I think he's onto something!
It is the ultimate pleasure of parenting and being a parent to watch your kids find their way. It is also gut wrenching at times as they go through the struggles that each one of them has to figure out. I ran into a woman that I have not had the pleasure of seeing for a while, and we were catching up on where each of our kids are. Her youngest son is the age of our oldest daughter. She was sharing with me the thought that she wished her mom would have "manned up" and told her the secret that parenting does not get easier after 18. You are not done being a parent once you have sent your kids off to college or into the world to pursue a career...you are just truly starting with the really hard stuff! Once your kids are grown and able to care for themselves, the big problems or if you are a positive thinker at heart, "opportunities" start! Your children now have to be grownups on their own and solve and decide what works in their lives, and what doesn't. The kicker here is that you can not put a bandaide on and make it all better...they have to figure it all out themselves. Now, that does not mean that you are not a player in these scenarios... the difference is that you do not get to fix whatever "ails" them. You have to be a good coach. Know when to talk, know when to listen and just know when to shut up! I have to admit that for me, the part about shutting up is the hardest. I hope that I will be able to continue to evolve and ask the question.."Do you want my opinion?" However, no matter what the answer to that question is, they still are the drivers , you are just a bystander, of course a very interested bystander, but still a bystander.
Each one of our children needs something different from us as they become adults. Some personalities want more involvement, some want less and some will probably be a hybrid of the two. I think the key to continuing to be an effective and helpful person in your child's life, no matter how old they are, is to be able to discern what is the best role for you to play and how to best help them. I talked recently with a psychologist that I respect about how to evolve as children grow. She used the term "transformative parenting". Her definition of that meant that as children grow our job is to transform from hands on to hands off. Become a good advisor, even when it is killing you....don't think your job is to solve the problem your child is facing. Your job is to provide advice, if asked for and be there. That is it! Our job as kids grow each year is to be less hands on and more hands off....be the good coach.
So, as I look to where each of our children are now, I have to say that being the part of the "good coach" is what I am continuing to strive for. And, as each of them meets the challenges and "opportunities" that life presents I am thrilled to be right there on the sideline cheering them on and even occasionally yelling "WAY TO GO!!!!!!""
I do have to admit that that is the good stuff. Being right there to celebrate our son's graduation from college, our daughter's job offer, and our daughter's choice to take the next step with a good man she loves...so here goes.....
"WAY TO GO GUYS"!!!!!!!
Until next time,
Pam
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