Hello!
So today I had the chance to meet a young woman while I was out at lunch with my Mom and my brother. We were enjoying ourselves and this young woman was polite, efficient, and good all around, at her job. After we finished lunch and she brought us the bill, we started chatting. She told us that she was almost finished with college, that she was deciding what direction to take next and was wrestling with the fact that her family had a business and her Dad wanted her to join in and perhaps take it over. She is contemplating this option, but although she likes the idea of running a business and is flattered that her Dad considers her competent and able, she has her own plan, plan B. She wants to own her own business, but her vision is to own and operate a salon, a nail and hair salon. That is what she wants to do and so now is trying to decide what path to take.
I also know a young professional woman in the film industry. Her dream is to make films, specifically documentary films that provide insight and knowledge about topics she is passionate about. Her new film just debuted at an Asian film festival where she received the great honor of being awarded the prize for best documentary. We congratulated her with much enthusiasm and told her how excited we were for her and how proud she must be! The note she sent back to us was warm and appreciative, but perhaps a bit melancholy because she shared that she has had to convince her Dad that art is an important career path to take.
This morning I was at the school where I work. Lots of us that are there have been there a long time, and so we all know about each others families and where all of our respective children are at, both physically and in their own development! One of my colleagues was asking me how our youngest son is. She knows that he is about to graduate from college. I shared with her that he is well, and excited about his new path. He is a film student. He is making his own first film shorts. He is contacting people in the industry that he has interned for and beginning the process of finding his way professionally. His job path is not as clear cut as business, or other professions and my colleague commented on this. As my conversation with her was coming to a close, she said, "Wow! Hope he can get a job"!
Perhaps I tend to look at the world as a place where all is possible, and that with the right training, attitude and hard work we can find our way at whatever we set our mind to! My response to her was not to worry, I have and always have had every confidence in my son's ability to succeed in the profession of his choice.
I don't say any of this to judge, but I do share these stories as a precaution. As parents our job is to fill our children's buckets up to overflowing! Give them the positive messages and demonstrate through actions we take, that we know they are able and capable and can achieve anything, and find their way along any path they choose.
I had a parent a few years back share with me her observations about my family and the type of parenting practices we have chosen. She worked with 2 of my children when they were in middle school. She shared that although many parents say their children can do and be anything they want, she doesn't, in fact, see that message being delivered through the messages that are given to these children. That is the hard part. She complemented my husband and myself on actually giving our children the message that they can do and be anything they choose through what we say and through what we do. I am not trying to say, by any means, that I have all the answers and that my husband and I are parenting gurus...we have had enough snafus along the way! What I am saying, is that our children need us, as their parents, to be their biggest fans and cheerleaders and coaches. I argue that in order for children to truly find their own path well, we need to tell them they can, and...here is the tricky part...BELIEVE IT!
Here is what I think. I think that our children can be and do whatever their minds can conceive. Our job is to help them know that, buy it and act upon it. Our job as parents is to provide the fertile ground for our kids. An environment that is filled up with positive messages, encouragement, and support. A place where their "buckets" are filled to overflowing. A place where the constant message they hear is "Yes, you can!"
So, be like Barack. Say "Yes you can!" over and over and over until your kids believe it.
Who knows, maybe one day one of your kids will be President, and deliver a sweeping Health Care Reform Bill!
Until next time,
Pam
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Look at where you've been and decide where you're going
Hello!
I was traveling last week and so now I am back!
While I was gone, I was thinking a lot about directions. You know like Map Quest and Google Maps and even old fashioned regular paper maps that you can get at any rest stop along the way of major highways. It occurred to me that parenting can be a lot like selecting the right map for the job!
When our kids are little it is probably fine to select the basic road map, the one that does not include all the options or alternate routes along the way. It might be like going on Map Quest and searching for the basic route. There are probably only one or two major routes to any given destination. We may want to select the one that seems easiest and the least problematic to figure out. Kind of like a good basic parenting book about what the basic stages of development are. I think that most parents can figure this part of the journey out pretty well!
As our kids grow, I would suggest that parenting gets more complicated and so maybe we need a better map, a more sophisticated plan that lets us in on all the twists and turns that may be up ahead. Maybe this plan might be like that advanced road maps that you can search for on Google maps and maybe even further on Google earth. Google Earth lets you pinpoint a destination or location, and see that place quite clearly. Google earth is a bit scary if you ask me, because it can pinpoint any location that a satellite can spot. I am not sure that as I recall my parenting and the situations that I confronted, that I would have wanted to have everything spelled out that clearly. I might have abdicated my job and left for places unknown!
I think the best parenting practices ask us to change and adjust. Adjust to the age and stage that our children are at and seek out the best directions possible for getting through that stage well, and if along the way the plan is not working, reverse, swerve, or change directions completely. Kids are unique creatures. A plan that may have worked for one, may not work for another, or may work partly for another, but require some personal and unique features. Kind of like going on Google maps and looking for not just the right street, but the best way to get there, and where all the potholes are.
I think that as I raised my kids I thought that the basics would work for all of them. Well, in a way it did, but each one of them was and is different. Even though I have two daughters, they are not the same. It is actually so interesting to me that you can provide the same DNA and each child will still turn out differently and need different things. When you have children of different sexes, you sort of expect that, but it is still quite true with children of the same sex.
I did not have an exact road map or destination plan for each of my children. What I did have was a basic guide, sort of a highway system road map for parenting. I read a lot of books about development, I talked with other mothers and reasoned that common sense was part of parenting too, and then fine tuned the road map for each of them. One of our children needs a big plan, a big expanse of the world, one seems to need a scope that is equally as big, but has perhaps more details built in, and one seems to be a combination of the two. I didn't know who or what they would become. I did know that if I looked and listened and adjusted and course corrected as necessary, that they would be able to find the best plan for themselves and arrive on a journey that they were excited and pleased with. I was going to say happy about, but that isn't quite accurate because happiness is something different.
So, I would suggest this week that we liken our parenting to that song "Life is a highway.." Help your children find the journey and the path that works best for them, and in the process use all the tools available to select the best routes to get them there!
You never know, you may get a Cheesemonger, a Teacher and a Filmmaker!
Until next time,
Pam
I was traveling last week and so now I am back!
While I was gone, I was thinking a lot about directions. You know like Map Quest and Google Maps and even old fashioned regular paper maps that you can get at any rest stop along the way of major highways. It occurred to me that parenting can be a lot like selecting the right map for the job!
When our kids are little it is probably fine to select the basic road map, the one that does not include all the options or alternate routes along the way. It might be like going on Map Quest and searching for the basic route. There are probably only one or two major routes to any given destination. We may want to select the one that seems easiest and the least problematic to figure out. Kind of like a good basic parenting book about what the basic stages of development are. I think that most parents can figure this part of the journey out pretty well!
As our kids grow, I would suggest that parenting gets more complicated and so maybe we need a better map, a more sophisticated plan that lets us in on all the twists and turns that may be up ahead. Maybe this plan might be like that advanced road maps that you can search for on Google maps and maybe even further on Google earth. Google Earth lets you pinpoint a destination or location, and see that place quite clearly. Google earth is a bit scary if you ask me, because it can pinpoint any location that a satellite can spot. I am not sure that as I recall my parenting and the situations that I confronted, that I would have wanted to have everything spelled out that clearly. I might have abdicated my job and left for places unknown!
I think the best parenting practices ask us to change and adjust. Adjust to the age and stage that our children are at and seek out the best directions possible for getting through that stage well, and if along the way the plan is not working, reverse, swerve, or change directions completely. Kids are unique creatures. A plan that may have worked for one, may not work for another, or may work partly for another, but require some personal and unique features. Kind of like going on Google maps and looking for not just the right street, but the best way to get there, and where all the potholes are.
I think that as I raised my kids I thought that the basics would work for all of them. Well, in a way it did, but each one of them was and is different. Even though I have two daughters, they are not the same. It is actually so interesting to me that you can provide the same DNA and each child will still turn out differently and need different things. When you have children of different sexes, you sort of expect that, but it is still quite true with children of the same sex.
I did not have an exact road map or destination plan for each of my children. What I did have was a basic guide, sort of a highway system road map for parenting. I read a lot of books about development, I talked with other mothers and reasoned that common sense was part of parenting too, and then fine tuned the road map for each of them. One of our children needs a big plan, a big expanse of the world, one seems to need a scope that is equally as big, but has perhaps more details built in, and one seems to be a combination of the two. I didn't know who or what they would become. I did know that if I looked and listened and adjusted and course corrected as necessary, that they would be able to find the best plan for themselves and arrive on a journey that they were excited and pleased with. I was going to say happy about, but that isn't quite accurate because happiness is something different.
So, I would suggest this week that we liken our parenting to that song "Life is a highway.." Help your children find the journey and the path that works best for them, and in the process use all the tools available to select the best routes to get them there!
You never know, you may get a Cheesemonger, a Teacher and a Filmmaker!
Until next time,
Pam
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Crazy week!!
Hi...
I am getting out of dodge for the weekend...has been a crazy week. I am cooking up something good for next week..
See you then,
Pam
I am getting out of dodge for the weekend...has been a crazy week. I am cooking up something good for next week..
See you then,
Pam
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
What Everyone Wants
Hi all,
This week I am struggling with the notion of how we can create healthy well adjusted children, that will be able to take that into adulthood, and have what they need to find their way well.
This week my family is struggling with how to help one of it's members who is truly having a horrible time. I will not share the specifics, but suffice it to say that someone I love dearly, is truly in a lot of pain.
With those two things said, I am going to try and say what I think. You know, parenthood is a truly an all consuming love. I think that the idea of loving unconditionally is what I am speaking to. I have talked about how overwhelming it feels when you bring that wonderful new baby home, and how totally unprepared we all really are to understand what is asked of us as a parent. I do not think parenting is for wimps! To truly love someone unconditionally, you have to be very strong and very able to set yourself aside and do what is best for your child. That is the part that goes on and on and on throughout life! I am realizing this more, not less with each year that passes as my children have become adults.
Parenting does not end when your children are grown, actually I would say that is when the real hard stuff begins. When our kids are little we can usually make them feel better and take away the pain they are in. As children grow and enter into the different stages of growth and development it gets harder. We can not solve the problem of a child who is struggling to figure out where and who he belongs with in High School, we can not solve the problem of a horrible roommate situation in college and we can not choose who are children pick to marry. What we can do is sit next to them, listen to them, provide guidance if they ask for it, and just, just love them. That is what gets really, really hard. We can not fix, solve or eliminate the challenges that our children face. We may want to do that, but we can't. What we can do is be there.
What do I mean by "Be There"? I mean be available, present and open. Open to listening to what children have to say, present so they know that you care, and available to them whether it is actually in person or on the phone. I share with my good friend Debbie one of my favorite phrases a lot.." We have two ears and one mouth for a reason." And I think that is it. As our children grow and are confronted with the challenges and pitfalls that will come their way just because all humans deal with challenges, our job is to listen, sit next to them, demonstrate that we care, and that no matter what they are confronted with, they do not have to go it alone. I think that might be the definition of unconditional love... Be there, be present, do not judge and listen.
What everyone wants is for our children to be happy, successful adults. People who feel valued and are valued. Helping our children achieve that, means we have to be there for all of it. All of life, not just the fun parts, but the hard parts. I think that in doing that, we help our children find their way well. Find their way into adulthood and find their way through adulthood. No ones path is perfect, I know perfect does not exist, but find a path that can embrace excellence. Excellence in problem solving, excellence in being flexible, excellence in knowing that no matter what struggle or challenge our children go through, that they can and will find their way. We can not solve the problems that will confront our children, but we can help them find their way through them. We help them do that by loving them unconditionally. If we choose to do that, we can help. Help our children no matter what stage of life they are at, know that they have what it takes to make it through the tough stuff.
Unconditional love. That is what Everyone wants and Everyone needs. We don't outgrow that.
Until next time,
Pam
This week I am struggling with the notion of how we can create healthy well adjusted children, that will be able to take that into adulthood, and have what they need to find their way well.
This week my family is struggling with how to help one of it's members who is truly having a horrible time. I will not share the specifics, but suffice it to say that someone I love dearly, is truly in a lot of pain.
With those two things said, I am going to try and say what I think. You know, parenthood is a truly an all consuming love. I think that the idea of loving unconditionally is what I am speaking to. I have talked about how overwhelming it feels when you bring that wonderful new baby home, and how totally unprepared we all really are to understand what is asked of us as a parent. I do not think parenting is for wimps! To truly love someone unconditionally, you have to be very strong and very able to set yourself aside and do what is best for your child. That is the part that goes on and on and on throughout life! I am realizing this more, not less with each year that passes as my children have become adults.
Parenting does not end when your children are grown, actually I would say that is when the real hard stuff begins. When our kids are little we can usually make them feel better and take away the pain they are in. As children grow and enter into the different stages of growth and development it gets harder. We can not solve the problem of a child who is struggling to figure out where and who he belongs with in High School, we can not solve the problem of a horrible roommate situation in college and we can not choose who are children pick to marry. What we can do is sit next to them, listen to them, provide guidance if they ask for it, and just, just love them. That is what gets really, really hard. We can not fix, solve or eliminate the challenges that our children face. We may want to do that, but we can't. What we can do is be there.
What do I mean by "Be There"? I mean be available, present and open. Open to listening to what children have to say, present so they know that you care, and available to them whether it is actually in person or on the phone. I share with my good friend Debbie one of my favorite phrases a lot.." We have two ears and one mouth for a reason." And I think that is it. As our children grow and are confronted with the challenges and pitfalls that will come their way just because all humans deal with challenges, our job is to listen, sit next to them, demonstrate that we care, and that no matter what they are confronted with, they do not have to go it alone. I think that might be the definition of unconditional love... Be there, be present, do not judge and listen.
What everyone wants is for our children to be happy, successful adults. People who feel valued and are valued. Helping our children achieve that, means we have to be there for all of it. All of life, not just the fun parts, but the hard parts. I think that in doing that, we help our children find their way well. Find their way into adulthood and find their way through adulthood. No ones path is perfect, I know perfect does not exist, but find a path that can embrace excellence. Excellence in problem solving, excellence in being flexible, excellence in knowing that no matter what struggle or challenge our children go through, that they can and will find their way. We can not solve the problems that will confront our children, but we can help them find their way through them. We help them do that by loving them unconditionally. If we choose to do that, we can help. Help our children no matter what stage of life they are at, know that they have what it takes to make it through the tough stuff.
Unconditional love. That is what Everyone wants and Everyone needs. We don't outgrow that.
Until next time,
Pam
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)