Remember... You're the Boss!!

Hi!

Quick thought...was at lunch with a younger friend of mine yesterday...we were watching all sorts of kids and Moms navigate the lunch crowd at a local sandwich shop

Some kids and Moms were doing well... and others not so.  Brie and I shared the thought that it is ok to tell your kids no, and expect them to have manners and behave in public...

Just saying... it is o.k. and good to be the boss... that's how your kids learn rules of decorum!

Until next time,

Pam

Successful parenting.... Kudos to you M and P!

Hello!

This week I have the fun and wonderful chance to spend time in my favorite place, Islamorada Florida.

Bill and I have a home here, and for that alone I am grateful!  This week we are spending time with some of our best friends and their two boys.  Their boys are grown, yet because they have Autism, they are still living with them.

Each and every time I get the opportunity to spend time with the boys and our friends, I am humbled and awed at their commitment, expertise, love, and shared parenting.  The boys are almost 27 and because of our friends, their lives are filled with opportunity, travel and an abundance of love!

If ever I think parenting is hard, all I have to do is look to them and the example they set..

We, Bill and I and our whole family, are blessed to have them in our lives, and call them our friends!

Kudos M and P!!!!

Until next time,

Pam

Delayed adulthood...

Hello!

Recently I read an article in the New York Times.  The title of the article was "The Case for Delayed Adulthood." It made me think...

If you are any kind of neurotic parent ( I would argue that includes all of us)  you have stressed from time to time about how to help your kids grow up well and become competent, non-f*@ked up adults.  I think that is the ultimate goal in procreating! So, when I read this article I wish I would have had this information earlier, although to be honest, I think Bill and I did do some of things mentioned in it.  I am sure you can find it in the Times archives if you are interested.  The publication date was September 21, 2014.

What struck me the most, was the quote "Taking longer to grow up and settle down may be better for a young person's brain."  The thought is that prolonged adolescence can actually" foster novelty-seeking and the acquisition of new skills".  This intrigues me...

Along with helping our kids achieve the basic requirements of person-hood, what about also giving them space to investigate and discover along the way.  School is a good place for learning, but perhaps not the ideal place for creative thinking, unless you are in a great educational setting that seeks to expand thought, not just knowledge, and as we all know, sometimes we are parental victims of the school district we live in, unless you have a great froward thinking school, or are able to find exactly the right setting for your kids.

What I took from this article, is that intellectual and creative stimulation has great benefit in long term health and development.  When kids, and adults, are seeking, learning, challenging, and looking for stimulating experiences, their brain expands, becomes more open and able to adapt to change.  Ultimately, people then are more able to find their way through life and it's challenges.

I would suggest that while we raise our kids to become competent adults, we should evaluate what that looks like, in terms of time.  There is no set age when an "adult" merges... maybe by allowing and encouraging growth, creativity, exposure to travel, adventure and novel experiences we help create even more competent, less stressed and happy adults.

The final paragraph of the article is:

"If brain plasticity is maintained by staying engaged in new, demanding and cognitively stimulating activity, and if entering into the repetitive and less exiting roles of worker and spouse helps close the window of plasticity, delaying adulthood is not only O.K.; it can be a boon."

So, don't worry.  If your kids need more time to find their way, like one of my favorite kids books "Leo the Late Bloomer" it may actually be better for them in the marathon that is life!

Hmmmm...worth thinking about!

Until next,

Pam

What would Bear think?

Hi!

I have been thinking about what Bear would think about all this hype. He was actually just hanging around minding his own business being Max's buddy, before this book came along!

It's funny, when Max sees a copy of the the book he looks at the front cover and says "Dada Bear!"  That's his affectionate name for his beloved pal... and beloved Bear is!  He has a steady place right next to Max throughout the day.  If he is gone for long, or left in another part of the house, soon Max is actively calling for him and looking for him.  I have been asked many a time to help find "Dada Bear."   

I believe that Bear is quite happy about this development, because as you know, he had to wait for some time to have Max find him and realize just how great he is!  And realize that, Max has!

I am certain that Bear is feeling quite pleased with himself.  Bear has been Max's trusted companion as he's learned to navigate this recent "big brother" thing.   Thanks to Bear, Max has someone he can hug, love, transport in his mouth like a mother cat, give baths in the toilet, give dog bowl baths, accompany him to the park, and most importantly take to bed with him.  

I bet the stories they share at night, just the two of them, are quite spectacular!

Maybe that is why Bear always looks to me, like he knows something none of the rest of us do!

Just wondering...

Until next time,

Pam

Close.. Closer.. Closest...

Hi All!


As I am exploring and learning this whole publishing process, and hoping to hone my skills, I have been asked to write about a number of topics.  Today the topic is how to bring your family together and create closeness between your children.  The real answer is make sure and threaten that you will come back from the dead and haunt them if they aren't!

Seriously though, and yes I seriously did tell them that and continue to just for insurance, what my husband and I did was spend time.  I think time, as a love language, is so valuable.  When you spend time you create a sense of belonging, and community.  Kids need to know that they really matter.

I think it starts early.  I believe it is important to foster independence and individuality in each of your kids, and celebrate that.  We tried to do that by seeing what interested each of them, and encouraging them to explore.  Of course, when one of them did something cool, often the other child would want to try too. We usually let that happen.  Kids learn from and emulate each other, especially the younger ones to the older ones.  It builds a shared bond when they share interests, or areas of shared interest.

All of our kids liked some sort of athletic activity.  We would support them, and also insisted that they come support each other.  We spent many, many hours at games, meets, and competitions.  By the time it was our son Bill's turn, his sisters would groan, but we told them he got dragged to all their events.  Both Anne and Megan participated in day long events, Anne enjoyed Track and Field, and Meg rode horses competitively... Bill, because he was the youngest always had to come. Luckily he had a great friend who went with him to many Horse Shows!

Siblings, although from the same parents, are always unique and different, and or course fight.  We tried to help them figure out how to do that without killing each other, and work through their anger.  Everyone is allowed to be angry, it's what you do with it, that matters.  One afternoon, I came home to find Bill dropping a shoe on Megan's head while she was resting on the couch below the balcony.  She was 14, he was 9... we had to chat about that technique!

There really is no magic formula, and most of what you do is based on instinct, trusting your gut, and love.  When you work from a point of love, and also let's add respect to that, you set up a good base to establish the kind of relationships that are rich, deep, and long lasting.  We told our kids that no one would have their back like their sister or brother would.   We have witnessed that now that they are all adults.  Recently Anne had a lovely little baby girl who arrived early.  Bill after a 16 hour day, went straight to the hospital, Meg took off early from a vacation to drive 2 days to get to her sister.  My husband and I could not have been more proud.

So, really the best thoughts I can give are to love well, create respect, create trust, and use a great deal of humor!  None of us are perfect, and that doesn't matter...

Remember, if all else fails employ my technique... threaten that you will come back from the dead and haunt them for the rest of their lives!!!

Until next time,

Pam

My Bear was a doll named Sister Bell....

Hello!

I was thinking about his whole kid attachment to special objects, toys, blankets, things they love.  Someone asked me if I had something special, I actually had two; my blanket that I remember was soft and warm, and a special doll named Sister Bell!

For those of you who are close to my age (not quite old as dirt....yet) there were two dolls that I remember causing a fuss... the "it" items to have.  One was a really beautiful doll called Chatty Kathy, and the other was a cloth doll with a porcelain head named Sister Bell... I think the head was porcelain, maybe it was harder plastic.  I really wanted the one named Sister Bell for Christmas.  Both dolls were too cool for their time... late 1950's early 1960's, because they talked!  

A few of my friends had Chatty Kathy... she was prettier than Sister Bell, but I did not think she was as cool and as cuddly... Chatty Kathy was all plastic, the kind with the natural sitting position of the legs straight out!  Sister Bell had great big blue eyes and a big smile.  I liked her yellow yarn hair and loved pulling on her pony tail when I was falling asleep... we would have chatted a lot before that, and my Mom may have asked me to stop talking.  I remember that I never felt alone when she and I were together... and that was the best part.

Anne, Max's Mom, had a great big teddy bear that she called "B-Bear" and a blanket that she called her "bunny blanket."   Bill and I would haul this big bear around when we traveled.. he was the kind that you win at fairs.  The irony of the whole bear situation, was that my brother had won him for my husband's sister when they dated a brief time in high school.  Bear had lived at my in-laws house and Anne fell in love with him on one visit.  He still lives on Anne's bed in our house in Libertyville.   Bear is now pretty bald, because what Anne used to do while she was falling asleep was pull all the fuzzy hair out of him!

Megan, our youngest daughter, had a crochet blanket that she used to love to stick her fingers and toes in, and then cover her whole little self up... I guess she used the toes and fingers for anchors!  The blanket, although different in size now, because my husband helped Megan pull a loose string on it and made a big hole, still lives on... at her new apartment in New York.

Our son, Bill, had a blanket too... but the thing he loved most was pacifiers... he would carry anywhere from 2-4 of them around with him, and got really good at talking while he still had one in his mouth to suck on... just in case!  I remember going on a business trip with my husband and when we got back, my Mom had decided that the "binkies" had to go and threw them out.... I think Bill was upset for quite a while!

So, the point here is that when I was writing Max and Bear, and noticing how much Max loved Bear, I thought about the comfort and security that a child gains from their own special "lovey" whatever that may be.  I remembered my very own dear Sister Bell with a smile and thought about my own children, and the comfort and love they all received from the special items they were attached to. It's a good thing... feeling loved and feeling comforted!

You know, maybe if we were allowed to carry something comforting around with us as adults, we might all be less neurotic!

Just a thought.....

Until next time,

Pam

From another lens....

Hello All!

I have been thinking about how fast time goes... maybe that's because yesterday was my birthday!

One of the first calls I received was from my oldest daughter, Anne.  She is the mommy of my muse, Max, and now a beautiful little girl, Josie. As we were chatting, and I do pride myself and Anne on the fact that our tech selves (actually we are not that tech...we keep trying) figured out how to video chat while Anne was breastfeeding Josie, Max was trying to sit on her lap, and she was adjusting the computer screen!

I was very impressed that all of that happened simultaneously and that no one was injured in the process... Not Anne, Not Max, Not Josie... of course not me, because I was in front of a computer many thousands of miles away!

As Anne and I talked (and of course Max too)... I thought about all that Mom's juggle.  Whether you are a working Mom like Anne is, she owns her own business, or a stay at home Mom, or a part-time working Mom, like I was, there is a lot women take care of each day!  Men too, for that matter because it seems like more and more families have Dads who stay at home, or juggle both parenting and work as well.

In all of that juggling I have noticed that most parents do a great job of keeping all the balls in the air.   OK, they probably crash down once in a while, but occasional chaos is not all bad.  It keeps us honest, and hopefully laughing!

So kudos to all of you out there doing the parenting of young children thing!  Keep Juggling!

Trust yourself, you'll always figure it out.

Hey like I said, no one got hurt during our video call yesterday!

Until next time,

Pam