Hello All!
Time...what an interesting concept. I have been thinking a lot about this idea in the last week or two. Since I sat down last to write, a bit of time has passed. What do we do with our time? How do we spend it? Does it make a difference what we do with it and how we choose to spend it or use it? Does it cause a change in outcome if we spend our time one way or another? I think it does.
As parents how we spend our time matters. I would like to propose that how we spend our time makes a big difference in the type of lives we give to our children and the type of people they become. I have some experience in this area. Our youngest son has finished his time at college, has graduated and is in the process of moving to New York city with a young woman he cares deeply for. It is their time. Their time now to create their lives and their plan. It has taken my husband and I a lot of time to help him get to this point. To this time in his life where he gets to decide what, where and how his life will look. The time now as my husband has shared with him is to, and I quote "It's time to pack up your shit, move to New York and get a job." Now, that is a pretty clear directive and comment on what time of life our son is in! My husband and I invested the time to help him get to this point. Time spent guiding, directing, redirecting when necessary, and lots of time spent encouraging and most importantly loving him for who he is , for what he wants, for what his dreams are. He is off to begin his life now. It is time, he is ready and the time is his now to design. He is using his time to begin his career in filmmaking.
What really matters during all the time we spend parenting? Of course all parents, good ones, have to spend time thinking about the basics that our kids need. Time spent providing a place to live, food to eat and clothes to wear. After those basics are met, what kind of time will make the greatest difference in helping our kids become competent, confident, moral, able people? Is it important to spend time cooking, cleaning, doing household chores, paying bills, going to work? Yes, because that time demonstrates how to be a responsible grown up. But, after that, what kind of time really makes a difference in determining how your child evolves and grows? I would like to suggest that time, just that, makes a big difference.
I watched the Today show the other morning and their medical correspondent, Dr. Nancy Schneiderman, was on talking about young girls and the upsetting mental illness of anorexia and bulimia. She talked about the importance of family time. The importance of time spent in simple activities like eating dinner together, having an evening conversation as a family. She spoke to the idea that kids need time with us, moments, hours to have us there to listen, to talk,to tuck them in at night. Hours, she said, hours of time given to our children to help them become whole, know their value, know we love them.
There is a new show on TV called "The Big C". This show is about a woman finding out that she has stage four melanoma. The whole premise of this show is how we choose to spend time. What would you do if you knew your time was limited, if you knew your life was going to be shorter rather than longer. How would you spend your time? What would matter, what would you do?
I would suggest that each of us as parents take the time, make the time, spend the time being present in our children's lives. Demonstrate from the very earliest stages of our their lives that they are important to us, so valuable that we choose to give them our most precious resource, time. Time to help them know they are loved, know that we believe in them. Time to help them become all that they are supposed to be and meant to be.
Who knows, when we choose to give our children the time they need to discover who they are, and support them in all they do, maybe one of them might just be in TIME magazine. Recognized as an expert in her field. Someone who has used her time to become a cheesemonger of great renown! Way to go Anne!
Until next time,
Pam
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Passages
Hello!
It of course has been a bit since my last post! I seem to be in that kind of pattern these days, and maybe that actually works better 'cause then I may have more to say that is of some value, at least I hope so.
I decided to call this post "passages" because I am sitting in my daughter's condo supervising her move to Cleveland, Ohio. She is studying for the summer in Oxford, England. She is a teacher and is working towards her masters degree in literature, so that she can be an even more effective instructor to this new group of kids she will be in charge of this coming school year. That in itself is a passage!
Passages are interesting. They are actually an ongoing part of life, kind of like the ebb and flow of tides. As with the tidal change, kids change, parents change and families change. Sitting here, of course I am thinking about change. A big change is in progress right now! Our youngest daughter, having accepted a new job in a different state, is making a big change. She is moving to a new area, Cleveland Ohio. She has been there only a few times. She went for the interview, found a new place to live and now is taking that next step to relocate. Move, change begin anew. As her new passage begins, so does one for my husband and myself. We now have all 3 of our children living in different states!
In an earlier post I spoke to a question I was asked by a merchant in our small town who knows all of my children and what they are up to. He had asked didn't I miss my children when they were not geographically nearby? I of course said yes! But, here is the thing, I have had and am continuing to have the opportunity to design my life, on my terms. I owe that same courtesy and opportunity to my children.
My husband and I have guided our children through the passages of infancy, childhood, adolescence, the teen years, college and early adulthood. Looking back, it is amazing to be at this place, this passage, this time to realize that all 3 of our kids are grown ups...architects of their own lives.
I have the pleasure of working with young parents in my job as a preschool teacher, and get the chance each year to watch these parents grow, evolve and move through a passage in their parenting as they launch their children into the world of organized "school". I love this opportunity! I really love what I do, working with the parents as well as their lovely children. I think that part of my job is to see if I can help these young parents navigate their own passage through this phase of parenting. The letting go, the trusting of their children to someone else. Allowing their children room to discover and become more independent, self aware, and self confident. The very beginnings of letting go, which will continue throughout their life as their children grow. The start of cultivating, encouraging, supporting children in their attempts to design their own lives. A life that plays to each child discovering and embracing their interests, their strengths, their desires. One of the basic tenets of good parenting; help children become the best possible version of themselves, a version created in their image, not yours!
So, as I sit here and reflect on this passage of ours, my daughters, my husbands and mine, I think to what I hope is each parent's wish. The ability to help your children become who they are meant to be. The ability to give your children all that they need throughout each passage of their lives. To "fill up their buckets" to be present in their lives, to be aware, to love unconditionally. After all that, then take the time to celebrate when they move forward, move on and even move to Cleveland Ohio to being their own next chapter. A chapter I can not wait to read!
Until next time,
Pam
p.s. coming soon...part 2, next up a move to New York!
It of course has been a bit since my last post! I seem to be in that kind of pattern these days, and maybe that actually works better 'cause then I may have more to say that is of some value, at least I hope so.
I decided to call this post "passages" because I am sitting in my daughter's condo supervising her move to Cleveland, Ohio. She is studying for the summer in Oxford, England. She is a teacher and is working towards her masters degree in literature, so that she can be an even more effective instructor to this new group of kids she will be in charge of this coming school year. That in itself is a passage!
Passages are interesting. They are actually an ongoing part of life, kind of like the ebb and flow of tides. As with the tidal change, kids change, parents change and families change. Sitting here, of course I am thinking about change. A big change is in progress right now! Our youngest daughter, having accepted a new job in a different state, is making a big change. She is moving to a new area, Cleveland Ohio. She has been there only a few times. She went for the interview, found a new place to live and now is taking that next step to relocate. Move, change begin anew. As her new passage begins, so does one for my husband and myself. We now have all 3 of our children living in different states!
In an earlier post I spoke to a question I was asked by a merchant in our small town who knows all of my children and what they are up to. He had asked didn't I miss my children when they were not geographically nearby? I of course said yes! But, here is the thing, I have had and am continuing to have the opportunity to design my life, on my terms. I owe that same courtesy and opportunity to my children.
My husband and I have guided our children through the passages of infancy, childhood, adolescence, the teen years, college and early adulthood. Looking back, it is amazing to be at this place, this passage, this time to realize that all 3 of our kids are grown ups...architects of their own lives.
I have the pleasure of working with young parents in my job as a preschool teacher, and get the chance each year to watch these parents grow, evolve and move through a passage in their parenting as they launch their children into the world of organized "school". I love this opportunity! I really love what I do, working with the parents as well as their lovely children. I think that part of my job is to see if I can help these young parents navigate their own passage through this phase of parenting. The letting go, the trusting of their children to someone else. Allowing their children room to discover and become more independent, self aware, and self confident. The very beginnings of letting go, which will continue throughout their life as their children grow. The start of cultivating, encouraging, supporting children in their attempts to design their own lives. A life that plays to each child discovering and embracing their interests, their strengths, their desires. One of the basic tenets of good parenting; help children become the best possible version of themselves, a version created in their image, not yours!
So, as I sit here and reflect on this passage of ours, my daughters, my husbands and mine, I think to what I hope is each parent's wish. The ability to help your children become who they are meant to be. The ability to give your children all that they need throughout each passage of their lives. To "fill up their buckets" to be present in their lives, to be aware, to love unconditionally. After all that, then take the time to celebrate when they move forward, move on and even move to Cleveland Ohio to being their own next chapter. A chapter I can not wait to read!
Until next time,
Pam
p.s. coming soon...part 2, next up a move to New York!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Never say Never!
Hello!
This past weekend I got the chance to spend time with my sister in law, and her kids. I told her that I was going to use her story as inspiration for this blog...so L you have been warned! :)
My sister in law and brother in law have kids quite a bit younger than my husband and I. It is kind of like having the chance to be grandparents a bit, without the official title. Our kids are all grown now and with that, as I have said, there are opportunities for different kinds of parenting. My husband and I are now on the "on call" basis, our kids call when they need help or advice. L on the other hand, is right in the throws of parenting, as her kids are all 11 or younger. We all know that means a lot more hands on and day to day action!
The reason I decided to use my sister in law as inspiration today, is because, as I teased her, she got a dog for the family. Now this is really not a huge deal, but really it is, since L has not been keen on getting a dog, and was really against it for a long time. However, as her kids grew and the family changed and she thought about a dog, for her kids, she changed her mind. And...that is the key!! Parenting is an evolving, inexact art that always requires us to be flexible, bend and change and see how each new stage develops and what is required for the age our kids are at now.
I really admire L, she is a fabulous Mom! She is always thinking about what to do, how to do it, and what each of her kids need. She has 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl, and you know those kids are truly lucky! She puts hours of thought, energy and time into helping each of them. We have lately had a conversation about what books would be good to read for the next challenges to come as her kids enter new and exciting phases of life. I think that is always a good idea. Taking the time to try and prepare yourself as much as possible for what may be coming! Sometimes it even helps!
Having said all that, I guess what I really think is that good parents always are aware and involved and thinking about their kids. I know that trying to make sure that children's lives are perfect is impossible, and really not even healthy, but it is wise I think, to try and always be mindful. Be aware of what you are doing and saying, be aware of how your actions and words affect your kids. I have said before that my Dad used to say "do as I say and not as I do", and although I loved him dearly, I do not agree with that. What we do actually says more to our kids than what we say, and by demonstrating, like L did that ideas can change, and plans can be altered, we show our kids how to be real people. Life is ever changing. Helping our kids see that we can be flexible and adjust to new situations and realities of life, helps kids learn a lot. They see us demonstrating how to make choices, and how to evaluate situations throughout different parts of life. Life changes constantly, and by being flexible I think we show our kids how to become flexible themselves. Our actions always speak much louder than our words!
So, be like Gumby, the old fashioned bend and flex toy that dates me. Bend, flex, change as each part of your child's life does. Demonstrate how to do that and I bet they learn a lot from watching you. The only constant in life is change, so never say never and...Hey, you may get a call from your 27 year old who was not always comfortable trying new things and new adventures, tell you about her trip to Paris where she met new people, did new and wonderful things and is thrilled to have experienced it!
Until next time,
Pam
This past weekend I got the chance to spend time with my sister in law, and her kids. I told her that I was going to use her story as inspiration for this blog...so L you have been warned! :)
My sister in law and brother in law have kids quite a bit younger than my husband and I. It is kind of like having the chance to be grandparents a bit, without the official title. Our kids are all grown now and with that, as I have said, there are opportunities for different kinds of parenting. My husband and I are now on the "on call" basis, our kids call when they need help or advice. L on the other hand, is right in the throws of parenting, as her kids are all 11 or younger. We all know that means a lot more hands on and day to day action!
The reason I decided to use my sister in law as inspiration today, is because, as I teased her, she got a dog for the family. Now this is really not a huge deal, but really it is, since L has not been keen on getting a dog, and was really against it for a long time. However, as her kids grew and the family changed and she thought about a dog, for her kids, she changed her mind. And...that is the key!! Parenting is an evolving, inexact art that always requires us to be flexible, bend and change and see how each new stage develops and what is required for the age our kids are at now.
I really admire L, she is a fabulous Mom! She is always thinking about what to do, how to do it, and what each of her kids need. She has 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl, and you know those kids are truly lucky! She puts hours of thought, energy and time into helping each of them. We have lately had a conversation about what books would be good to read for the next challenges to come as her kids enter new and exciting phases of life. I think that is always a good idea. Taking the time to try and prepare yourself as much as possible for what may be coming! Sometimes it even helps!
Having said all that, I guess what I really think is that good parents always are aware and involved and thinking about their kids. I know that trying to make sure that children's lives are perfect is impossible, and really not even healthy, but it is wise I think, to try and always be mindful. Be aware of what you are doing and saying, be aware of how your actions and words affect your kids. I have said before that my Dad used to say "do as I say and not as I do", and although I loved him dearly, I do not agree with that. What we do actually says more to our kids than what we say, and by demonstrating, like L did that ideas can change, and plans can be altered, we show our kids how to be real people. Life is ever changing. Helping our kids see that we can be flexible and adjust to new situations and realities of life, helps kids learn a lot. They see us demonstrating how to make choices, and how to evaluate situations throughout different parts of life. Life changes constantly, and by being flexible I think we show our kids how to become flexible themselves. Our actions always speak much louder than our words!
So, be like Gumby, the old fashioned bend and flex toy that dates me. Bend, flex, change as each part of your child's life does. Demonstrate how to do that and I bet they learn a lot from watching you. The only constant in life is change, so never say never and...Hey, you may get a call from your 27 year old who was not always comfortable trying new things and new adventures, tell you about her trip to Paris where she met new people, did new and wonderful things and is thrilled to have experienced it!
Until next time,
Pam
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Functionality
Hello!
It has been a few weeks again since I have had anything to say. And, during that time, I was taking the time to think and read a book called "Bad Mother". The title of course is quite catchy and as I was walking through an airport it caught my attention. I love to stop at the book stores inside airports since they always seem to have a whole variety of reading materials to choose from. On this particular stop, I of course stopped to get the latest new semi-trashy book to read on the plane and on the trip. But, while I was in the store, I decided to look at the parenting and self help section for grins. Immediately this book caught my eye! I had to buy it.
Since that time, I have read a lot of the book, but truthfully not all of it. I read enough to laugh and understand that this was a sane person writing about all that goes on with motherhood and actually parenthood, she just of course is a mom and had to write from her perspective. I would recommend it to all of you mothers out there who really are trying your hardest to do a good job. The author is Ayelet Waldman. Of course this is not a scholarly book, but sure is fun to read and laugh with and at, and might even let you give yourself a pat on the back.
This book made me think about the idea of functionality. Isn't that really what the point of parenting is?? To raise competent children who grow into competent adults. Now, the hard part is how to do that and of course do it well. Lately I have had the opportunity to think about families I know and families I know of and look at how their kids are doing. A lot of the people I spend time with think about their kids a lot. Some of course, seem to be doing better than others, kids I mean, and some are of course struggling a bit. Most of our friends have kids that are young adults and the youngest have just graduated from college. Last night my husband and I had dinner with friends of ours who's children are at the same age and stage. Honestly, at this point they are all doing well, of course with life issues of jobs and job searches for some, but in total they are all functioning well. We were discussing what they are all up to and agreed that we are lucky and thankful. Yet, as the conversation progressed, we did stop a moment and realize that we have jointly, both families, put in a LOT of time. I have to admit, that we did take the time to congratulate ourselves on the fact that we put the time in, did the work, chose to try hard. I am pretty sure that is why all 6 of the kids in our two families are doing well.
Being a parent is hard work. I know lots of people struggle with the balancing act of juggling family, kids, self and work. Yet, isn't it the best when you know that your kids are good, that they are well, that they make themselves and you proud? Ayelet Waldman makes fun of herself and her husband in the book "Bad Mother." She points out all the pit falls we all can encounter along the path of the parenting road, yet, in the end I think she shares her story to let people know that being a good parent does not require perfection, or millions of dollars, or knowing always what to do. Being a good parent requires being present, adjusting as needed to do what your kids need, taking the time, doing the work. Creating fully functioning adults does not mean you always did or do the right thing or even always know the best thing to do. It does mean that you always take the time, adjust as needed, be present and always, always do the work!
I would like to think that if you choose to do the work and take the time, you may get to have all your grown up kids excited about traveling to London to see their sister who's studying there, celebrate family, invite their significant others, and even create ridiculous shirts that say "Saxelby Family Pilgrimage to the Homeland".
Now I argue, that's functionality...crazy perhaps, but functioning!!
Until next time,
Pam
It has been a few weeks again since I have had anything to say. And, during that time, I was taking the time to think and read a book called "Bad Mother". The title of course is quite catchy and as I was walking through an airport it caught my attention. I love to stop at the book stores inside airports since they always seem to have a whole variety of reading materials to choose from. On this particular stop, I of course stopped to get the latest new semi-trashy book to read on the plane and on the trip. But, while I was in the store, I decided to look at the parenting and self help section for grins. Immediately this book caught my eye! I had to buy it.
Since that time, I have read a lot of the book, but truthfully not all of it. I read enough to laugh and understand that this was a sane person writing about all that goes on with motherhood and actually parenthood, she just of course is a mom and had to write from her perspective. I would recommend it to all of you mothers out there who really are trying your hardest to do a good job. The author is Ayelet Waldman. Of course this is not a scholarly book, but sure is fun to read and laugh with and at, and might even let you give yourself a pat on the back.
This book made me think about the idea of functionality. Isn't that really what the point of parenting is?? To raise competent children who grow into competent adults. Now, the hard part is how to do that and of course do it well. Lately I have had the opportunity to think about families I know and families I know of and look at how their kids are doing. A lot of the people I spend time with think about their kids a lot. Some of course, seem to be doing better than others, kids I mean, and some are of course struggling a bit. Most of our friends have kids that are young adults and the youngest have just graduated from college. Last night my husband and I had dinner with friends of ours who's children are at the same age and stage. Honestly, at this point they are all doing well, of course with life issues of jobs and job searches for some, but in total they are all functioning well. We were discussing what they are all up to and agreed that we are lucky and thankful. Yet, as the conversation progressed, we did stop a moment and realize that we have jointly, both families, put in a LOT of time. I have to admit, that we did take the time to congratulate ourselves on the fact that we put the time in, did the work, chose to try hard. I am pretty sure that is why all 6 of the kids in our two families are doing well.
Being a parent is hard work. I know lots of people struggle with the balancing act of juggling family, kids, self and work. Yet, isn't it the best when you know that your kids are good, that they are well, that they make themselves and you proud? Ayelet Waldman makes fun of herself and her husband in the book "Bad Mother." She points out all the pit falls we all can encounter along the path of the parenting road, yet, in the end I think she shares her story to let people know that being a good parent does not require perfection, or millions of dollars, or knowing always what to do. Being a good parent requires being present, adjusting as needed to do what your kids need, taking the time, doing the work. Creating fully functioning adults does not mean you always did or do the right thing or even always know the best thing to do. It does mean that you always take the time, adjust as needed, be present and always, always do the work!
I would like to think that if you choose to do the work and take the time, you may get to have all your grown up kids excited about traveling to London to see their sister who's studying there, celebrate family, invite their significant others, and even create ridiculous shirts that say "Saxelby Family Pilgrimage to the Homeland".
Now I argue, that's functionality...crazy perhaps, but functioning!!
Until next time,
Pam
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
All you don't know!!
Hello!
It has been a bit of time since my last post! There have been graduations and travel and family and Father's day and today an anniversary!
Today is my husband and my 31st wedding anniversary and I am proud of it! We have worked hard to get to this point and it made me think about the title of this post....."All you don't know!"
As I was thinking about what to write, it made me ponder the beginning of our marriage. My husband and I were babies when we began our adventure. We got married at the young old age of 22 and really did think we were grown ups at the time. We knew we were ready to begin a new phase and get on with the adult stuff of life! HA! All that we did not know!
My husband and I had known each other a long time before we got married. We were the proverbial high school sweethearts, of course there were bumps along the way, and we were not together during all of that time, but for the most part we were. So, when the time came and it was our first wedding anniversary, we decided we were ready to begin this whole parenting thing. We wanted to be young parents so that we could have the energy and the physical ability to run around with our kids and enjoy their growing up. We were quite lucky I now realize, because we were pregnant right away! Our oldest daughter, Anne was born when we were 24, our second daughter, Megan, was born when we were 26 and our son, Bill, was born right after I turned 31...my husband is a mere baby and he was still 30! I always complimented him on his wisdom of marrying an older woman! So, there we have it. In a short period of time we were parents with a gusto!
Before my husband and I had our children we spent a great deal of time talking about what we thought our parenting style would be and how we wanted to raise our children. I do believe that exercise was important, but to be honest, part of that has to go out the window when the reality of parenting is at hand! I know in my first post I wrote what I thought were the tenets of good parenting; 1. Love unconditionally 2. Be the PARENT 3. Use the scary word "No" 4. Do not try to create the child in your image 5. Help each child find their own way and, 6. DO NO HARM
Upon review, I think those ideas are pretty good! I do not know that my husband and I consciously tried to practice all these tenets each and every day or even knew we were trying to accomplish those ideas. I do know that we were always trying hard to be mindful of what each day brought and how we interacted and reacted to and with our kids. Some times of course were lovely and some times were the EXACT opposite. I know that when we were all starry eyed and brought our first daughter, Anne, home that we had absolutely no idea what to do. I do not care how many parenting classes you take, you have NO idea what you are doing when you bring your first child home. I will give you this example. When Anne needed to be changed that first night she was in our exclusive care, we changed her on our bed and it took her peeing all over it 4 times before we got the idea, that "AH HA" that is not the best plan. Or course we did then put a towel down and that eliminated that problem. But of course, that was a relatively easy problem to solve and so off we went from there into the realm of parents and parenting.
As time has passed of course my husband and I have gotten much better at problem solving as parents then we were that first night. I would like to think we do not need 4 chances to get it right at this juncture! I will say that with the time we have spent parenting I do believe we have been able to do a lot well. We have put in the time and the work. I think that is the most important thing good parents do.
This past weekend, as it was Father's day, there was a letter to the editor in the Chicago Tribune that a son wrote about his father. The basic premise of the article was that this person, this son, came from a family of somewhat modest means and a family where the father had to work odd hours and sometimes 2 jobs. The mom had to work also, so the parents were quite busy making ends meet in all ways for their family. The subject of the article was about what really mattered to this man as he reflected on father's day and about his parents. His conclusion was that being present, being there, taking time was the most important gift his father gave to him. As this was a reflection on father's day the article specifically talked to an incident where this man remembered an important event in his growing up. He had a presentation to give and had asked his parents to please be there. His mom said she was sorry but his younger brother was ill and she had to attend to him. His father reminded his son that unfortunately he had to work different hours that day and would not be able to attend either. The son accepted that, but was of course sad. This man shared that as he was finishing his presentation, he looked up and saw that his Dad was standing right there in the audience, smiling at him and clapped furiously when his presentation was over. All these years later, that is what this man remembers. He remembers that his father somehow made it to this event that was so important to him. His father took the time, he made sure he was there. He was present.
So, in all that we often do not know as parents and for all that we can constantly learn and improve upon as parents, maybe the most important lesson is to just "Be there." Everyone can know that. Be there, be present, take the time. I would argue that is the most important part of parenting well. Although scheduling can be tricky, there is nothing hard about being present and being there. Take the time, be there for your children.
You never know, you may get asked to go on a road trip to Ohio to be there to help your daughter find a new place to live as she begins the next phase of her adult life and starts a new job and a new journey!
Until next time,
Pam
It has been a bit of time since my last post! There have been graduations and travel and family and Father's day and today an anniversary!
Today is my husband and my 31st wedding anniversary and I am proud of it! We have worked hard to get to this point and it made me think about the title of this post....."All you don't know!"
As I was thinking about what to write, it made me ponder the beginning of our marriage. My husband and I were babies when we began our adventure. We got married at the young old age of 22 and really did think we were grown ups at the time. We knew we were ready to begin a new phase and get on with the adult stuff of life! HA! All that we did not know!
My husband and I had known each other a long time before we got married. We were the proverbial high school sweethearts, of course there were bumps along the way, and we were not together during all of that time, but for the most part we were. So, when the time came and it was our first wedding anniversary, we decided we were ready to begin this whole parenting thing. We wanted to be young parents so that we could have the energy and the physical ability to run around with our kids and enjoy their growing up. We were quite lucky I now realize, because we were pregnant right away! Our oldest daughter, Anne was born when we were 24, our second daughter, Megan, was born when we were 26 and our son, Bill, was born right after I turned 31...my husband is a mere baby and he was still 30! I always complimented him on his wisdom of marrying an older woman! So, there we have it. In a short period of time we were parents with a gusto!
Before my husband and I had our children we spent a great deal of time talking about what we thought our parenting style would be and how we wanted to raise our children. I do believe that exercise was important, but to be honest, part of that has to go out the window when the reality of parenting is at hand! I know in my first post I wrote what I thought were the tenets of good parenting; 1. Love unconditionally 2. Be the PARENT 3. Use the scary word "No" 4. Do not try to create the child in your image 5. Help each child find their own way and, 6. DO NO HARM
Upon review, I think those ideas are pretty good! I do not know that my husband and I consciously tried to practice all these tenets each and every day or even knew we were trying to accomplish those ideas. I do know that we were always trying hard to be mindful of what each day brought and how we interacted and reacted to and with our kids. Some times of course were lovely and some times were the EXACT opposite. I know that when we were all starry eyed and brought our first daughter, Anne, home that we had absolutely no idea what to do. I do not care how many parenting classes you take, you have NO idea what you are doing when you bring your first child home. I will give you this example. When Anne needed to be changed that first night she was in our exclusive care, we changed her on our bed and it took her peeing all over it 4 times before we got the idea, that "AH HA" that is not the best plan. Or course we did then put a towel down and that eliminated that problem. But of course, that was a relatively easy problem to solve and so off we went from there into the realm of parents and parenting.
As time has passed of course my husband and I have gotten much better at problem solving as parents then we were that first night. I would like to think we do not need 4 chances to get it right at this juncture! I will say that with the time we have spent parenting I do believe we have been able to do a lot well. We have put in the time and the work. I think that is the most important thing good parents do.
This past weekend, as it was Father's day, there was a letter to the editor in the Chicago Tribune that a son wrote about his father. The basic premise of the article was that this person, this son, came from a family of somewhat modest means and a family where the father had to work odd hours and sometimes 2 jobs. The mom had to work also, so the parents were quite busy making ends meet in all ways for their family. The subject of the article was about what really mattered to this man as he reflected on father's day and about his parents. His conclusion was that being present, being there, taking time was the most important gift his father gave to him. As this was a reflection on father's day the article specifically talked to an incident where this man remembered an important event in his growing up. He had a presentation to give and had asked his parents to please be there. His mom said she was sorry but his younger brother was ill and she had to attend to him. His father reminded his son that unfortunately he had to work different hours that day and would not be able to attend either. The son accepted that, but was of course sad. This man shared that as he was finishing his presentation, he looked up and saw that his Dad was standing right there in the audience, smiling at him and clapped furiously when his presentation was over. All these years later, that is what this man remembers. He remembers that his father somehow made it to this event that was so important to him. His father took the time, he made sure he was there. He was present.
So, in all that we often do not know as parents and for all that we can constantly learn and improve upon as parents, maybe the most important lesson is to just "Be there." Everyone can know that. Be there, be present, take the time. I would argue that is the most important part of parenting well. Although scheduling can be tricky, there is nothing hard about being present and being there. Take the time, be there for your children.
You never know, you may get asked to go on a road trip to Ohio to be there to help your daughter find a new place to live as she begins the next phase of her adult life and starts a new job and a new journey!
Until next time,
Pam
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
A continuum
Hello!!
It has been a few weeks since I last sat down to write what goes around in this brain of mine! Since that time we have had the opportunity to watch our youngest son graduate from college, our youngest daughter be offered a new job in a different state and our oldest daughter make the giant leap of cohabitation! Now.... that is a lot!
I have also had a bit of feedback from those of you that look to accommodate me and read this blog every once in a while. Thanks for all the comments. I truly appreciate it! Life is an interesting process that we all participate in!
In thinking about all that has happened in the last few weeks, I have to say ..YEAH!!!!! Yeah to all my kids, yeah to all that we celebrated and yeah to each of them for figuring out what works for them and taking the steps to get there. I have to say that it is a weird, yet also wonderful feeling having our last child graduate from college. I have to admit that I have spent a bit of time looking in the mirror and saying "What?? Is that me??" The cliche works here, it seems that your kids grow and evolve and you don't seem to notice the time that has passed. Gary Meir (not sure about the spelling) on WGN says that once you reach 50 it seems that you are having breakfast every 15 minutes. I think he's onto something!
It is the ultimate pleasure of parenting and being a parent to watch your kids find their way. It is also gut wrenching at times as they go through the struggles that each one of them has to figure out. I ran into a woman that I have not had the pleasure of seeing for a while, and we were catching up on where each of our kids are. Her youngest son is the age of our oldest daughter. She was sharing with me the thought that she wished her mom would have "manned up" and told her the secret that parenting does not get easier after 18. You are not done being a parent once you have sent your kids off to college or into the world to pursue a career...you are just truly starting with the really hard stuff! Once your kids are grown and able to care for themselves, the big problems or if you are a positive thinker at heart, "opportunities" start! Your children now have to be grownups on their own and solve and decide what works in their lives, and what doesn't. The kicker here is that you can not put a bandaide on and make it all better...they have to figure it all out themselves. Now, that does not mean that you are not a player in these scenarios... the difference is that you do not get to fix whatever "ails" them. You have to be a good coach. Know when to talk, know when to listen and just know when to shut up! I have to admit that for me, the part about shutting up is the hardest. I hope that I will be able to continue to evolve and ask the question.."Do you want my opinion?" However, no matter what the answer to that question is, they still are the drivers , you are just a bystander, of course a very interested bystander, but still a bystander.
Each one of our children needs something different from us as they become adults. Some personalities want more involvement, some want less and some will probably be a hybrid of the two. I think the key to continuing to be an effective and helpful person in your child's life, no matter how old they are, is to be able to discern what is the best role for you to play and how to best help them. I talked recently with a psychologist that I respect about how to evolve as children grow. She used the term "transformative parenting". Her definition of that meant that as children grow our job is to transform from hands on to hands off. Become a good advisor, even when it is killing you....don't think your job is to solve the problem your child is facing. Your job is to provide advice, if asked for and be there. That is it! Our job as kids grow each year is to be less hands on and more hands off....be the good coach.
So, as I look to where each of our children are now, I have to say that being the part of the "good coach" is what I am continuing to strive for. And, as each of them meets the challenges and "opportunities" that life presents I am thrilled to be right there on the sideline cheering them on and even occasionally yelling "WAY TO GO!!!!!!""
I do have to admit that that is the good stuff. Being right there to celebrate our son's graduation from college, our daughter's job offer, and our daughter's choice to take the next step with a good man she loves...so here goes.....
"WAY TO GO GUYS"!!!!!!!
Until next time,
Pam
It has been a few weeks since I last sat down to write what goes around in this brain of mine! Since that time we have had the opportunity to watch our youngest son graduate from college, our youngest daughter be offered a new job in a different state and our oldest daughter make the giant leap of cohabitation! Now.... that is a lot!
I have also had a bit of feedback from those of you that look to accommodate me and read this blog every once in a while. Thanks for all the comments. I truly appreciate it! Life is an interesting process that we all participate in!
In thinking about all that has happened in the last few weeks, I have to say ..YEAH!!!!! Yeah to all my kids, yeah to all that we celebrated and yeah to each of them for figuring out what works for them and taking the steps to get there. I have to say that it is a weird, yet also wonderful feeling having our last child graduate from college. I have to admit that I have spent a bit of time looking in the mirror and saying "What?? Is that me??" The cliche works here, it seems that your kids grow and evolve and you don't seem to notice the time that has passed. Gary Meir (not sure about the spelling) on WGN says that once you reach 50 it seems that you are having breakfast every 15 minutes. I think he's onto something!
It is the ultimate pleasure of parenting and being a parent to watch your kids find their way. It is also gut wrenching at times as they go through the struggles that each one of them has to figure out. I ran into a woman that I have not had the pleasure of seeing for a while, and we were catching up on where each of our kids are. Her youngest son is the age of our oldest daughter. She was sharing with me the thought that she wished her mom would have "manned up" and told her the secret that parenting does not get easier after 18. You are not done being a parent once you have sent your kids off to college or into the world to pursue a career...you are just truly starting with the really hard stuff! Once your kids are grown and able to care for themselves, the big problems or if you are a positive thinker at heart, "opportunities" start! Your children now have to be grownups on their own and solve and decide what works in their lives, and what doesn't. The kicker here is that you can not put a bandaide on and make it all better...they have to figure it all out themselves. Now, that does not mean that you are not a player in these scenarios... the difference is that you do not get to fix whatever "ails" them. You have to be a good coach. Know when to talk, know when to listen and just know when to shut up! I have to admit that for me, the part about shutting up is the hardest. I hope that I will be able to continue to evolve and ask the question.."Do you want my opinion?" However, no matter what the answer to that question is, they still are the drivers , you are just a bystander, of course a very interested bystander, but still a bystander.
Each one of our children needs something different from us as they become adults. Some personalities want more involvement, some want less and some will probably be a hybrid of the two. I think the key to continuing to be an effective and helpful person in your child's life, no matter how old they are, is to be able to discern what is the best role for you to play and how to best help them. I talked recently with a psychologist that I respect about how to evolve as children grow. She used the term "transformative parenting". Her definition of that meant that as children grow our job is to transform from hands on to hands off. Become a good advisor, even when it is killing you....don't think your job is to solve the problem your child is facing. Your job is to provide advice, if asked for and be there. That is it! Our job as kids grow each year is to be less hands on and more hands off....be the good coach.
So, as I look to where each of our children are now, I have to say that being the part of the "good coach" is what I am continuing to strive for. And, as each of them meets the challenges and "opportunities" that life presents I am thrilled to be right there on the sideline cheering them on and even occasionally yelling "WAY TO GO!!!!!!""
I do have to admit that that is the good stuff. Being right there to celebrate our son's graduation from college, our daughter's job offer, and our daughter's choice to take the next step with a good man she loves...so here goes.....
"WAY TO GO GUYS"!!!!!!!
Until next time,
Pam
Friday, May 14, 2010
Oh the Places they may go....continue
Hello All!
So today is the beginning of the next phase of one of my children's lives! We are traveling down to Austin Texas today. Our son is a senior at the University of Texas and tomorrow we get to be part of the viewing audience of his film for his senior project. His culmination of 4 years worth of work and study.
Lat night I got a chance to have a conversation with him as he was on his way home after spending the better part of these last few days locked up in a variety of editing labs. He sounded exhausted of course, but also exhilarated! What could be better than that? He is finishing up one part of his life and will soon start the next. We talked about the fact that he graduates next week and within a short period of time, will start planning for his move to New York city.
From the time this child of ours was tiny, (well actually he was never tiny because he is 6'8" tall) we watched him manipulate cameras and army men and props, and even his friends into mini films. We watched all of this unfold, and encouraged and supported him to pursue what excited him. Now, tomorrow, we get to see a new amazing phase in this process. His film will be on the "big screen" in Austin Texas. I knew this would happen...I just didn't know where.
Today I was listening to the radio and the commentator was presenting his views on what kids should do as they contemplate college. It is of course graduation time and that lends itself to this kind of conversation. His daughter, I gathered was graduating high school, and he was discussing what type of advice he has given her. He has told her that she should choose a major that will provide her with the type of monetary future she would like. This is is his opinion, which is just that, and of course all well and good, but I say NO NO NO!!!
Life is too darn short to spend your time just making money. I believe that parents want always, what is best for their kids, at least the parents who I am talking about here, but isn't it a whole lot better to tell them to follow their dreams, do what excites them, pursue their passions? How great it is to spend your life doing what excites you...the money will follow. Now, of course if we are talking making millions, that is another story, but how many successful people do you read about do what they hate?
Hello! No One!!!!!
I talked last weekend with a business owner in the town we live. He know all of my kids and always asks about them. He asked where they all were and what they were doing. I shared with him that our son is going out east, that our youngest daughter is looking at jobs all over the country and that our oldest is still happily ensconced in New York City. He asked me didn't I miss them when they move, and do not live nearby? I told him of course I do, but and here is the big BUT...it is not up to me to design their lives. They get to do that. They have earned that right and that respect from me and their Dad. Our goal has never been to create our children in our image. Our goal has been, and still is, to help them find their own voice, their own design, their own way.
So, Good Parents, help your children find their own way; not the safe way, not the way you think works best, but their way. Help them cut the cord and find the life they are meant to lead! You never know where that will lead them.
Our sons plan led him to Austin, Texas. I know I am going to relish the opportunity to see our sons film, his vision on the movie screen this weekend! I can't wait to go! I did of course, tell him I won't wear a long gown, this time...
I will reserve that for his Hollywood premier!
Until next time,
Pam
So today is the beginning of the next phase of one of my children's lives! We are traveling down to Austin Texas today. Our son is a senior at the University of Texas and tomorrow we get to be part of the viewing audience of his film for his senior project. His culmination of 4 years worth of work and study.
Lat night I got a chance to have a conversation with him as he was on his way home after spending the better part of these last few days locked up in a variety of editing labs. He sounded exhausted of course, but also exhilarated! What could be better than that? He is finishing up one part of his life and will soon start the next. We talked about the fact that he graduates next week and within a short period of time, will start planning for his move to New York city.
From the time this child of ours was tiny, (well actually he was never tiny because he is 6'8" tall) we watched him manipulate cameras and army men and props, and even his friends into mini films. We watched all of this unfold, and encouraged and supported him to pursue what excited him. Now, tomorrow, we get to see a new amazing phase in this process. His film will be on the "big screen" in Austin Texas. I knew this would happen...I just didn't know where.
Today I was listening to the radio and the commentator was presenting his views on what kids should do as they contemplate college. It is of course graduation time and that lends itself to this kind of conversation. His daughter, I gathered was graduating high school, and he was discussing what type of advice he has given her. He has told her that she should choose a major that will provide her with the type of monetary future she would like. This is is his opinion, which is just that, and of course all well and good, but I say NO NO NO!!!
Life is too darn short to spend your time just making money. I believe that parents want always, what is best for their kids, at least the parents who I am talking about here, but isn't it a whole lot better to tell them to follow their dreams, do what excites them, pursue their passions? How great it is to spend your life doing what excites you...the money will follow. Now, of course if we are talking making millions, that is another story, but how many successful people do you read about do what they hate?
Hello! No One!!!!!
I talked last weekend with a business owner in the town we live. He know all of my kids and always asks about them. He asked where they all were and what they were doing. I shared with him that our son is going out east, that our youngest daughter is looking at jobs all over the country and that our oldest is still happily ensconced in New York City. He asked me didn't I miss them when they move, and do not live nearby? I told him of course I do, but and here is the big BUT...it is not up to me to design their lives. They get to do that. They have earned that right and that respect from me and their Dad. Our goal has never been to create our children in our image. Our goal has been, and still is, to help them find their own voice, their own design, their own way.
So, Good Parents, help your children find their own way; not the safe way, not the way you think works best, but their way. Help them cut the cord and find the life they are meant to lead! You never know where that will lead them.
Our sons plan led him to Austin, Texas. I know I am going to relish the opportunity to see our sons film, his vision on the movie screen this weekend! I can't wait to go! I did of course, tell him I won't wear a long gown, this time...
I will reserve that for his Hollywood premier!
Until next time,
Pam
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