" More Kids are Better..."

Hi,

This morning while I was waiting for a car in Brooklyn to go help Anne with Max, a young couple walked by with their child in a stroller.  The Mom was explaining to the Dad that she had heard more kids are better.  Her exact words were, " I heard that more kids are better.  If you have more, you can not focus and pick on all the small stuff.  You just worry about the big stuff.  They will be less neurotic."

Well....

What do you think?

Thought for the day!

Until next time,

Pam

Ideas...

Hello!

This morning while I was driving with my youngest daughter, she and I were talking about new ideas for this blog.  She has some young friends who are now mothers.  Her idea, and that of the young women she has spoken to, is to have some of these posts be of the problem solving or helpful idea mode.  Maybe, for those of you who live in Chicago, the Lou Manfredini of parenting

I have been thinking about this of and on today and am honored, in the sense that people think I may be able to offer sound advice!  A lot of the posts I have written are more anecdotal and after the fact.  Maybe here, I can try to head things off at the pass... like today on getting some questions from my oldest daughter.  She has a toddler.

Many of you know, I like to share stories that are real, from my family and from experiences that I have either had or witnessed.  I guess my thought is that observation can be relevant, and that having already been there, it may help to get some ideas and strategies before hand.

Having said all of that,  I do want to always add the disclaimer that all of this, is my opinion.  I will say that Bill and I have some sort of reasonable track record, given that our kids are competent, effective and functioning adults.

Yesterday I received a phone call about what to do with an 18 month old who is just trying to figure out how to talk and get his needs met and is also periodically demanding.  I thought for a few minutes and then just fired away.  

I am a long way removed from the 18 month old!   Yet, I do know that most kids have a spiraling development process.  Just when you think you have things figured out, they change.  There are periods of calm, and periods of evolution and change.  No one stays static, and kids are the same.  I read a good development book when I was a young Mom by Ames and Ilg.  I tried to find a copy for my daughter, but because that was 30 years ago, it is out of print.  The premise was that kids have 6 good months, where they feel calm and comfortable in their own skin, and then 6 months of change and development.   Time to shift, evolve and reach that next developmental  milestone.  Yes, it is true.  Just when you think you have things figured out, they change.  Maybe that is the whole plan.  The chance to understand that life is a constant state of change.

I shared with my daughter that little kids can not truly tell you what they need, and they can't really function too independently until maybe they are 2-3.  Most two year olds still need a lot of supervision and direct play, and then by the time kids are 3, they can spend more time independently playing and occupying themselves.  Young children truly do need you A LOT!   Of course, some personalities require less, and each child is different.  

To that end, although it can be frustrating at times because parents have a lot to do, try hard to savor and enjoy and do your stuff when the kids are napping.  Oh, and it truly is O.K. to use the "evil TV".  Some good kids TV is out there, and you do not have to be a saint.  Sesame Street has won lots and lots of awards!

So, relax, trust yourself and enjoy as best you can.  Play, spend time, and also set boundaries.  Being a good parent does not mean you have to sacrifice all that you want to do.  It just means having to balance and be flexible. 

Until next time,

Lou... oh, I mean Pam

You Can't Drive the Bus...revisited

Hello!

Last weekend I was in New York.  One of my daughter's friends had a baby shower for her, and we were helping Anne, and her husband Patrick, pack up their apartment. They are moving to a new place next week.

While I was there, I was trying to be helpful.  All of us were, my husband, my daughters' Megan, and my son Bill.  Anne has lived in this current apartment for 10 years and she and Patrick have lived there for 4 years.  There was a lot of stuff to pack!

As the weekend progressed and time was spent helping, I had to remind myself that in this scenario, I was an assist, not the captain or co-captain.  Those jobs were already taken.  Anne and Patrick were the co-captains, and Max, of course, was the captain!  Max is their 18 month old son.  I took it upon myself to spend most of my time helping with the captain!

While Max and I were at the park, and later when my husband Bill joined us, I thought the job we were there to do, was provide support.  Support and fun for Max so that he would not be in the middle of all the packing craziness, and support, maybe even relief, for Anne and Patrick so that they did not have to worry about Max.

Hey!  Maybe that is an accurate description of what I was trying to do.  I was trying to be a good relief pitcher!

As our kids get older, and as you ride the bus with them, remember that you are ultimately working towards making yourself obsolete as the driver.  It is hard sometimes to not want to say, pack a box a certain way, or organize a closet, or "suggest" what your kids might do in any number of scenarios! Try hard though, not to.

So at every stage along the way, when the time is right, step out of the driver's seat, trust that you have done a good job and enjoy the ride!

Relief pitchers get lots of glory when they do their job well!

Until next time,

Pam

And then this.....

Hello!


I forget when I wrote my piece about the "Tiger Mom."   I know it was whenever the big hullaballoo came out about the book and after I saw an interview with the author.

This past weekend I was reading the weekly periodical called "The Week."  I enjoy the magazine because it is a quick and thorough publication that highlights all the recent news, and offers commentary on timely topics.

While I was perusing this past edition, I was delighted to see the article "A tiger mom's angry offspring."   In this piece a young woman spoke about her upbringing by a tiger mom.  She talked about how her mother would hit her, and make her kowtow to her, and grovel on her knees to show submission.   She also said that these tactics made her become amazingly successful in her field and a very wealthy, accomplished musician.  So, I guess if those are the results you are looking for in raising kids, have at this method!

Now, "the rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used as his byline...

The article concludes by saying that when this young woman turned 21, she fired her Mom, got a new manger and has not talked to her Mom since... Oh, and she also has decided that although she is an accomplished educated professional, the one thing she will never choose to take on, is Motherhood. She felt that she would sadly, probably do the same thing her Mom had to her, and so will pass on the whole Mom thing...

Hmmmmm......

Until next time,

A not so tiger Mom,

Pam

Mother's Day

Hello All!


For each and everyone of us women that are Mother's, Mother's to be and women who help in every way...

Celebrate yourself, the women that came before you, the women that will come after you and honor all that a Mom does...each and every day!

Happy Day!

Until next time,

Pam

Hold on!

Hello All!


This morning I am sitting in our living room contemplating the fact that I (well actually we) have three grown children... How did that happen?

Yesterday Bill and I were out doing regular Saturday chores, the excitement of groceries and car washing.  When we were at the car wash, I wondered where Bill was, then saw that he was talking to and playing with a little girl that was being held by her Dad.  Bill and he struck up a conversation and I heard him comment on "It goes really really fast!"  I smiled.... It does.

Two weeks ago Bill and I got the opportunity to go to Houston, Texas for Easter with our son, his wife and her lovely family.  While Bill and I were driving over to the hotel,  I realized that 31 years ago, well I actually already knew that, but to put that number of 31 on the realization was fascinating!   31 years ago Bill and I and baby Anne lived in Houston, then we added our daughter Megan, she was born there. Now 31 years later we are going to our son's in-laws right in the very same place we had two baby girls and Billy was not even part of the equation.  O.K.  I am staring to annoy myself at this whole nostalgia thing...

But... here it is...

HOLD ON!!  HOLD ON!!  HOLD ON!!

Hold on, enjoy every bit of time with your kids even when they are bugging you.  Before you even know it, you will be the crazy Mom like me commenting on how in the world did your kids get to be grownups?


Until next time,
Nostalgia photo included....

Pam

Guilty...

Hello!

This morning I had a conversation that reminded me being a parent is rife with Guilt!  (I capitalized the word Guilt because it is a bugger.)   Of course I already knew that, having been a parent myself for going on 34 years.  I had to smile and empathize while trying hard to listen and offer counsel, that I hope was wise.

So many times we as parents expect ourselves to be super- human.  We want to be the best Mom, the best business woman, the best partner, the best friend, the best....OK... you get it.  We Mom's can try hard to "best" ourselves right into the ground!  ( I am purposefully leaving Dads out of this for now, because I think women have the market on guilt...)

Maybe it's time we all take a moment to pause, and accept the fact that not a one of us is going to do this whole parenting thing perfectly, and give ourselves a break.

Next time you have a conversation with a friend who's beating herself up about something she did or did not do for or to

her kids, suggest she cut herself some slack.   Perfect is boring anyways.

Kids don't want us to be perfect.  Our kids want us to be present, to show up, to listen to them, to love them, to play with them, and to help them become their own imperfect selves!

So, forget about perfect and move on.

Until next time,

An imperfect Pam