Hello All!
Hope everyone is well and enjoyed summer. Can't quite believe it is over...almost!
As Autumn approaches, and I start to get ready for a new school year where I have the delightful (my new favorite word) opportunity to meet new children and new families, I take pause to think about wishes and dreams. Lofty things they are!
Every parent has a wish and a dream for each of their children. I would hazard a guess and say that most parents have many wishes and dreams for their kids! If a parent chooses to say they don't, I would think they are fibbing. (Don't want to come right out and say they may be liars). I know that my husband and I had lots of dreams and wishes for our kids, and frankly, still do.
Our children are now all grownups and out on their own. There is a lot of satisfaction that comes from that. But just cause they are grown, does not mean that I have stopped having wishes and dreams for them in their now adult lives. On the contrary, I think my wishes and dreams are bigger, and probably loftier. I wish them life, and health and love and work that satisfies them. I know those are lofty dreams and big wishes, but those are the ones I have, and I know that my husband would agree. By the time your kids are grown, and on their own, you hope that you have shown them how to find their own ways well. I would like to think that we have done that for our kids. By all appearances, I think we have. Yet, each day I start my day with a prayer that our children will find their way well and through the opportunities and challenges life may present that day.
When kids are little, we can control more of their lives and what components are in them. We get to pick their preschool, we get to decide what type of elementary education they will have, public or private, we get to guide them all the way through the process of picking the right college. Then, they leave! At this point you have spent countless hours wishing and dreaming for your kids and the type of life they will have. Parents, you will have invested hours too numerous to calculate, trying to guide your children to the path that seems best for them, and may even have had to step back as your growing child chose a path that may have been different from the one you had hoped. That is the problem, and the opportunity for us as our children grow. Parents who take time through the process of their child's life to evaluate, and re-evaluate, what are the wishes and dreams you have for your children, and what are their wishes and dreams. With each year your child grows, those paths may not be convergent, and their lies the growth for us as adults and parents. How to know when to put our wishes and dreams aside, and embrace those of our children.
Now, if your preschool child wishes to jump of the high dive at the pool because your older child did it, that does not mean you need to allow them to. I am being silly of course, but my thought is that common sense and good judgement are always the guides to letting go and allowing our children to be more in charge of themselves. As each child grows, we can look and evaluate and let go, and pull in or pull back as needed. I know a good friend of mine is going through a struggle with her teenage daughter, and so has decided she needs to pull her back in some. That may not be the wish or dream of her daughter, and yet it is the parent's job to assess delicately what is the right thing to do. Ultimately, through respect and love our kids see that what we are trying to do is help them find their own way well. A path that will lead them to realizing their dreams and wishes. I suspect that many parents are in that process right now as a new school year begins. The art of helping their kids realize how to accomplish the wishes and dreams they have for this new year. I also really do know that as the year evolves, goals will need to be adjusted and realigned in order for kids to accomplish what is important and necessary.
The art of parenting. I have said this before, and truly believe it. For those adults who choose to be invested, involved and educated in the process of parenting, finding the nuances of how to parent artfully is a skill and a challenge. Anyone can tell their kids what to do, but the artful parent will practice skillfully the tenets, in my opinion, of good parenting: loving unconditionally, setting apporiate limits and boundaries, using the scary word "NO", doing no harm, and ultimately helping their kids find their own way well, the path that best suits them. A path that will lead our kids to the type of life they hope for and wish for. A life that will help them realize their own dreams.
Wishing and dreaming.
I know that my husband and I have spent countless hours wishing and dreaming for our son, Bill. His hard work and pursuit of his own dreams are continuing to come true. He called me the other evening, quite excited. He then sent me and his Dad the Call sheet for the MTV project he is working on for Tuesday, August 30th. He is now listed as "Camera Operator B 2nd assist"! He has come a long way from filming his army men on the pool table in our basement!! Way to go Willow!
Wishes and dreams...they are big things. What would our lives, and the lives of our children be without them?
Until next time,
Pam
I
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Over the top...probably...Out of line...hmmm?
Hello All!
I don't even know when I wrote the last time. I have been basically lazy this summer, and goofing around. But, yesterday, in the New York Times, there was a full page article about my daughter, Anne, which leads me to the title I chose for today's piece.
Yesterday began with my daughter's fiance calling me and my husband at 7:00 am to tell us about the article. He was so excited and proud and I loved that he chose to make the call. Anne had said she would call us later, but he took the lead and said it was time then! Again, I loved his passion and excitement.
My husband and I had an inkling that this article was going to be published sometime near the end of July. The section that the article appeared in runs on Wednesdays and we were clued into checking the paper yesterday. So, when Patrick called, we were not surprised, just really really excited!
I then chose to figure out how I could legitimately spend my day telling as many people as I could about Anne in the New York Times, the lead in title being, "The Rise of a Cheesemonger." Reading her story made me immensely proud, and that led to my perhaps over the top behavior yesterday. ( I don't know who could blame me!)
In our local Starbucks, they have a news stand that sells the New York Times. I went in and bought all that they had ( it was just 4...could have been a lot more) and then when I went to pay for them, a woman in line asked me why I was buying 4 papers....I said..."Because my kid is in it!" I don't normally talk like that, I don't even refer to my children as "my kid", those words just came out of their own accord! I then, sat down, and read the article and grinned and grinned and grinned! Here on the top of the page, was a picture of Anne smiling amongst all sorts of the cheeses that she sells, and she looked really happy and really excited! That did it for me! I wanted to take the article and the photo and walk all around the village that we live in proclaiming to all..."Look at what my daughter has done!"
As it evolved, I toned it down some, but not much. I went home and called and emailed as many friends and relatives that I could. I know that some of them thought it was truly fantastic, and truthfully, some probably thought "Oh Brother...here she goes again!" :) That is all o.k. with me.
Here is my point. Was my behavior over the top yesterday? Of course it was! Do I care? Absolutely not!!
Few people ever know the true story of children and a family except those that are in it. My daughter, and her sister and brother, have been the primary focus of my life, and my husband's as well. When we decided to have children my husband and I made the choice for one of us to be the full time parent, and in our relationship, it was me. Were there times of struggle and doubt and challenge and hair pulling? Yup. Being a good parent is the hardest job on earth.
I have said that there are as many ways as there are people to be a good parent to you kids I do not proclaim or claim to have all the answers, or the lock on raising kids. I do know that as I read the article about my daughter yesterday, and enjoyed the telling of her tale, I was happy and proud and content. I had an amazing acknowledgement that the time my husband and I put into our daughter and the struggles that occurred along the way, were worth it. Maybe some kids can thrive naturally, but I truly believe that the more effort and thought and care you put into the time you have with your kids, the more productive and complete they will become.
Not one person on earth goes through their life without struggle. Our family is no exception. We went though challenging periods of time with all 3 of our kids. Anyone who says they have not struggled while raising their children, is probably a liar or delusional! Raising kids is hard work, work that requires time and effort and thought and planning. It also involves flexibility and a little bit of luck as well. I do know, that for me, being lucky enough to have the option economically to stay home, made a big difference. I know many parents who do not have that choice or luxury. But, being a parent that stays home with your children does not guarantee success. Being a parent that is involved and loving and does the work, those are the qualities that bring success, no matter where you are, home or working outside the home.
In some of my earlier pieces, I talked about "Filling up your child's bucket" the concept of taking the time and exerting the energy to help each of your children find the path in life that works for them. I do think that if parents choose to be aware, and involved and nurturing, kids can and will find the path in life that is for them. Taking the time to notice and encourage and listen to what is important to your children, and then supporting them in their efforts will, in my opinion, go a long way to helping them become competent successful adults. Success in adulthood does not mean money. It means feeling whole, knowing yourself, all the parts of yourself. Each one of us has parts that are good, and also parts that are flawed or challenging. The successful adult accepts all of those parts, and because of and in spite of those qualities, chooses their own path with confidence, courage and strength of character.
So, yesterday I was celebrating! Celebrating a couple things. I was celebrating our daughter for who she is, what she has accomplished and most importantly, the quality of character she continues to demonstrate in her life. I was also celebrating myself, and my husband for the time and energy and love we invested in this lovely young woman. And, I was also celebrating our family, for it takes everyone to help each child grow into who they are meant to be. I know that Anne's brother and sister were equally thrilled for her, as were her grandmothers and aunts and uncles and cousins.
Children are a precious commodity. Take the time. Do the work. Be invested.
Who knows? The New York Times! Wow!
Until I get motivated again,
Pam
I don't even know when I wrote the last time. I have been basically lazy this summer, and goofing around. But, yesterday, in the New York Times, there was a full page article about my daughter, Anne, which leads me to the title I chose for today's piece.
Yesterday began with my daughter's fiance calling me and my husband at 7:00 am to tell us about the article. He was so excited and proud and I loved that he chose to make the call. Anne had said she would call us later, but he took the lead and said it was time then! Again, I loved his passion and excitement.
My husband and I had an inkling that this article was going to be published sometime near the end of July. The section that the article appeared in runs on Wednesdays and we were clued into checking the paper yesterday. So, when Patrick called, we were not surprised, just really really excited!
I then chose to figure out how I could legitimately spend my day telling as many people as I could about Anne in the New York Times, the lead in title being, "The Rise of a Cheesemonger." Reading her story made me immensely proud, and that led to my perhaps over the top behavior yesterday. ( I don't know who could blame me!)
In our local Starbucks, they have a news stand that sells the New York Times. I went in and bought all that they had ( it was just 4...could have been a lot more) and then when I went to pay for them, a woman in line asked me why I was buying 4 papers....I said..."Because my kid is in it!" I don't normally talk like that, I don't even refer to my children as "my kid", those words just came out of their own accord! I then, sat down, and read the article and grinned and grinned and grinned! Here on the top of the page, was a picture of Anne smiling amongst all sorts of the cheeses that she sells, and she looked really happy and really excited! That did it for me! I wanted to take the article and the photo and walk all around the village that we live in proclaiming to all..."Look at what my daughter has done!"
As it evolved, I toned it down some, but not much. I went home and called and emailed as many friends and relatives that I could. I know that some of them thought it was truly fantastic, and truthfully, some probably thought "Oh Brother...here she goes again!" :) That is all o.k. with me.
Here is my point. Was my behavior over the top yesterday? Of course it was! Do I care? Absolutely not!!
Few people ever know the true story of children and a family except those that are in it. My daughter, and her sister and brother, have been the primary focus of my life, and my husband's as well. When we decided to have children my husband and I made the choice for one of us to be the full time parent, and in our relationship, it was me. Were there times of struggle and doubt and challenge and hair pulling? Yup. Being a good parent is the hardest job on earth.
I have said that there are as many ways as there are people to be a good parent to you kids I do not proclaim or claim to have all the answers, or the lock on raising kids. I do know that as I read the article about my daughter yesterday, and enjoyed the telling of her tale, I was happy and proud and content. I had an amazing acknowledgement that the time my husband and I put into our daughter and the struggles that occurred along the way, were worth it. Maybe some kids can thrive naturally, but I truly believe that the more effort and thought and care you put into the time you have with your kids, the more productive and complete they will become.
Not one person on earth goes through their life without struggle. Our family is no exception. We went though challenging periods of time with all 3 of our kids. Anyone who says they have not struggled while raising their children, is probably a liar or delusional! Raising kids is hard work, work that requires time and effort and thought and planning. It also involves flexibility and a little bit of luck as well. I do know, that for me, being lucky enough to have the option economically to stay home, made a big difference. I know many parents who do not have that choice or luxury. But, being a parent that stays home with your children does not guarantee success. Being a parent that is involved and loving and does the work, those are the qualities that bring success, no matter where you are, home or working outside the home.
In some of my earlier pieces, I talked about "Filling up your child's bucket" the concept of taking the time and exerting the energy to help each of your children find the path in life that works for them. I do think that if parents choose to be aware, and involved and nurturing, kids can and will find the path in life that is for them. Taking the time to notice and encourage and listen to what is important to your children, and then supporting them in their efforts will, in my opinion, go a long way to helping them become competent successful adults. Success in adulthood does not mean money. It means feeling whole, knowing yourself, all the parts of yourself. Each one of us has parts that are good, and also parts that are flawed or challenging. The successful adult accepts all of those parts, and because of and in spite of those qualities, chooses their own path with confidence, courage and strength of character.
So, yesterday I was celebrating! Celebrating a couple things. I was celebrating our daughter for who she is, what she has accomplished and most importantly, the quality of character she continues to demonstrate in her life. I was also celebrating myself, and my husband for the time and energy and love we invested in this lovely young woman. And, I was also celebrating our family, for it takes everyone to help each child grow into who they are meant to be. I know that Anne's brother and sister were equally thrilled for her, as were her grandmothers and aunts and uncles and cousins.
Children are a precious commodity. Take the time. Do the work. Be invested.
Who knows? The New York Times! Wow!
Until I get motivated again,
Pam
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Evolution of a Parent
Hello All!
I again, have been off living life instead of sitting down and commenting on it. This morning, though, as my youngest daughter and I were conversing, I had a thought!
While talking with my youngest daughter Megan as she wrapped up another school year, it occurred to me how much of parenting is about evolving and growing through the process. The type of parent you are to your infant will not be the type of parent you are to your teenager, or to your adult child. What a great job! As a parent you get to try again every stage to get it right if you screw up the first time! I remember when our oldest child Anne, was in eighth grade and I got the inside info from another parent about shinannigans that had occurred the previous weekend. I will admit that it caused me great angst to think that my lovely daughter was messing up! The stories and situations and events that have happened since then with the growth process of our three children makes that event tame! We all made it though, through every painful and fun and hard evolution!
There we have it! As Megan was talking about watching all of her students this year struggle to find their identity as an adolescent....what a horrible painful process that can be, and what a lovely, exciting process that can be. The junior high years can be quite an ordeal....for all parties involved! Megan, herself, had quite a time of it, with me right there next to her. She of course made it through, I of course made it through, and so did both of our other children and my husband!
There is this saying that is so universal, and I think speaks to the right thought process for raising children. "Cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." Now, that does not mean that you let them do whatever they want, because that would be relinquishing your responsibilities as a parent. What it does mean is to pay attention, be involved and see what kind of paths your children might choose and help them find what fits them best, according to their lead. And even when needed, lock them up for the summer like we had to do with our oldest daughter one teenage summer...we made it through that too!
This past weekend I had the great fun of being on a trip with 4 woman I truly love. Each of them is different and each has their own personality and parenting style. The youngest of our group has a 12 year old son. He is her oldest. The phone calls she kept getting from him about where his soccer stuff was, was hysterical! She tried to keep calm, and she actually succeeded, but the rest of us were in hysterics ourselves having already passed that 12 year old mind and mentality with our children. The second youngest of the group, had phone check ins with her 17 year old, and that we all know is much more scary! She was trying to get the details of the first night of summer party for her now senior in high school...YIKES!! The other 3 of us were getting periodic check ins from our adult kids...and they were all good, which made our weekend lots more fun because we were not worrying about any of them....and we were occasionaly whooping it up they we were done with the teenage and 12 year old check ins....good thing we are all good friends or someone may have wanted to punch us!! :)
This process of parenting is lovely and wonderful and daunting. Just last month, I had the pleasure as well as the pain of having a very frank and open and hard conversation with my oldest daughter as she is planning her wedding. The conversation was a total success, and for that I am thankful, but it was also hard. I explained to Anne that having a child and being a parent is an impossible love, one she will only understand if and when she becomes a parent herself.
So, I guess my point today is to evolve. Evolve always in your own evolution of parenting and be open to the change that will be necessary for you to do the best job you can, at each and every stage along the way. Cherish your children for who they are and will become and need to become. Help them get there and be that by realizing it is about you and them growing and evolving and accepting the changes and challenges necessary to help each of you grow well....your child into an adult and you into a competent, loving example of a parent your child is proud of!
Good luck! I am going to try and follow my own advice as our oldest daughter is honored by Mayor Bloomburg in New York on July 12th!
Until next time,
Pam
I again, have been off living life instead of sitting down and commenting on it. This morning, though, as my youngest daughter and I were conversing, I had a thought!
While talking with my youngest daughter Megan as she wrapped up another school year, it occurred to me how much of parenting is about evolving and growing through the process. The type of parent you are to your infant will not be the type of parent you are to your teenager, or to your adult child. What a great job! As a parent you get to try again every stage to get it right if you screw up the first time! I remember when our oldest child Anne, was in eighth grade and I got the inside info from another parent about shinannigans that had occurred the previous weekend. I will admit that it caused me great angst to think that my lovely daughter was messing up! The stories and situations and events that have happened since then with the growth process of our three children makes that event tame! We all made it though, through every painful and fun and hard evolution!
There we have it! As Megan was talking about watching all of her students this year struggle to find their identity as an adolescent....what a horrible painful process that can be, and what a lovely, exciting process that can be. The junior high years can be quite an ordeal....for all parties involved! Megan, herself, had quite a time of it, with me right there next to her. She of course made it through, I of course made it through, and so did both of our other children and my husband!
There is this saying that is so universal, and I think speaks to the right thought process for raising children. "Cherish your children for who they are, not for who you want them to be." Now, that does not mean that you let them do whatever they want, because that would be relinquishing your responsibilities as a parent. What it does mean is to pay attention, be involved and see what kind of paths your children might choose and help them find what fits them best, according to their lead. And even when needed, lock them up for the summer like we had to do with our oldest daughter one teenage summer...we made it through that too!
This past weekend I had the great fun of being on a trip with 4 woman I truly love. Each of them is different and each has their own personality and parenting style. The youngest of our group has a 12 year old son. He is her oldest. The phone calls she kept getting from him about where his soccer stuff was, was hysterical! She tried to keep calm, and she actually succeeded, but the rest of us were in hysterics ourselves having already passed that 12 year old mind and mentality with our children. The second youngest of the group, had phone check ins with her 17 year old, and that we all know is much more scary! She was trying to get the details of the first night of summer party for her now senior in high school...YIKES!! The other 3 of us were getting periodic check ins from our adult kids...and they were all good, which made our weekend lots more fun because we were not worrying about any of them....and we were occasionaly whooping it up they we were done with the teenage and 12 year old check ins....good thing we are all good friends or someone may have wanted to punch us!! :)
This process of parenting is lovely and wonderful and daunting. Just last month, I had the pleasure as well as the pain of having a very frank and open and hard conversation with my oldest daughter as she is planning her wedding. The conversation was a total success, and for that I am thankful, but it was also hard. I explained to Anne that having a child and being a parent is an impossible love, one she will only understand if and when she becomes a parent herself.
So, I guess my point today is to evolve. Evolve always in your own evolution of parenting and be open to the change that will be necessary for you to do the best job you can, at each and every stage along the way. Cherish your children for who they are and will become and need to become. Help them get there and be that by realizing it is about you and them growing and evolving and accepting the changes and challenges necessary to help each of you grow well....your child into an adult and you into a competent, loving example of a parent your child is proud of!
Good luck! I am going to try and follow my own advice as our oldest daughter is honored by Mayor Bloomburg in New York on July 12th!
Until next time,
Pam
Monday, May 9, 2011
Yes, It Is Personal!.....BUT
Hello All!
So, it has been a long while since I sat down to write what I think on this blog that I hope has some value and if not, I will continue to delude myself into thinking that is does!
I have been rambling around the world..(YES! I got to travel to London for THE Wedding) and then went on to New York for wedding planning with my oldest, and then onto Cleveland for LaCrosse Coach viewing and car buying with our youngest daughter. Along, the way I have been percolating different ideas, and am keeping them written down in a good and safe place, as long as my memory holds, I will discuss those at a later date! But.. today, I was reading an article in the most intelligent of magazines, Bazaar, of course I am being self deprecating with the intelligence part. However, while perusing, I ran across and article about NEW YORK MOTHERS AND THE INSANITY THAT ENTAILS.
I have talked before about what I believe it takes to help your children become all they can be. I truly do believe that it takes a lot of work and of course commitment to do the job well. As I was reading though, I came across the question of what is the right motivation for mothering? Of course, we all just celebrated Mother's Day and hopefully got lots of accolades from our own children about the job we did, or at least are attempting to do.
The article in Bazaar addresses the manic behavior that is the Manhattan mother in this case. (Whew...glad that I did not have to experience that!....Hooterville was hard enough!) The woman who are the mothers of small children in this piece are all about elite preschools, nannies, the right clubs, and the right path to get their children into the most prestigious colleges in about 15 years. Man! I could barely think about what to do for the next day's dinner, yet alone plan that far in advance!
I guess my point is what is the motivation behind these mothers? While I continued to read the piece, and laugh at how outrageous some of the scenarios were, I realized that it is all personal. It is hard to separate ourselves, as Mothers, from the quality and success and outcome of our children's lives.
The author, Molly Jong-Fast, spoke to this exact point. At the end of the article she talked about winning, and how competitive it is in the Manhattan mothering circles, to raise your kids. That some of these uber high powered and successful mothers have a hard time separating themselves from the success, or lack of success that their children achieve, and that is the crux of the problem with all this crazy over the top mothering.
I think she is onto something! But, you do not have to be a super uber successful hight powered Manhattan mother to get trapped into this scenario! I do believe I have found myself in that same thought process! Yes, I admit it. I love getting accolades from people in my childrens lives about the type and quality of person they are! Just this past weekend when my husband and I were in Cleveland, where our youngest daughter is a teacher and coach at a wonderful middle school, I had the chance to talk with parents who complimented me and my husband on our daughter and the impact she has made on the kids she works with. YES! ( I said to myself!) we have done a good job with this one! (Actually, I think we have done a good job with all 3 of our children...if you ask me:) ) It was wonderful basking in the glory of a job well done, and it certainly also helped that it was a glorious sunny day! But...here is what I am thinking. It gets tricky when you link yourself so personally to your children.
We, in my opinion, as parents are all required to do the best job we can. It is important once you bring this new person into the world to take care of them well.....all of them, and all parts of them. Parents need to nurture and love their children in their physical, emotional, spiritual and mental development, and yes, try hard to do a good job. In this process though, the tricky part becomes how to do all of that well, and yet....here is the clincher, NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!! THAT, is the hard part!
Yes, it is fine to bask in the glory of your child's success, (I just did that!:) But, remember that your ultimate job is to create a child in their own image, not yours. I have said before, we already got to do that. We got to create our own lives, and hopefully still are. The best parents use their energies to create kids not in their own image, but help them find their own path and the way that is best for them. My husband and I have 3 kids, all grown ups. They each have chosen a different path, a path that works for them. The pathways have not always been straight, or without angst, but they have been paths of their own choosing.
And, right now, as of this moment and day, they are all doing well! I never knew we would have a cheesemonger, an educator, and a filmmaker....ok I sort of guessed on 2 of them, but still, I did not choose for them, they choose for themselves.
So, it's ok to be excited about your kids and relish when they do well, and even pat yourself on the back. But, in the long run, remember, it is their life to lead. Help them find the right way and the path that is meant for them. Relish the fact then, that your children are leading lives of their own design....you may have helped pick out the design books and made some suggestions, but the ultimate choice is theirs!
If you want to win, maybe take up tennis or golf, or ballroom dancing!
Until next time,
Pam
So, it has been a long while since I sat down to write what I think on this blog that I hope has some value and if not, I will continue to delude myself into thinking that is does!
I have been rambling around the world..(YES! I got to travel to London for THE Wedding) and then went on to New York for wedding planning with my oldest, and then onto Cleveland for LaCrosse Coach viewing and car buying with our youngest daughter. Along, the way I have been percolating different ideas, and am keeping them written down in a good and safe place, as long as my memory holds, I will discuss those at a later date! But.. today, I was reading an article in the most intelligent of magazines, Bazaar, of course I am being self deprecating with the intelligence part. However, while perusing, I ran across and article about NEW YORK MOTHERS AND THE INSANITY THAT ENTAILS.
I have talked before about what I believe it takes to help your children become all they can be. I truly do believe that it takes a lot of work and of course commitment to do the job well. As I was reading though, I came across the question of what is the right motivation for mothering? Of course, we all just celebrated Mother's Day and hopefully got lots of accolades from our own children about the job we did, or at least are attempting to do.
The article in Bazaar addresses the manic behavior that is the Manhattan mother in this case. (Whew...glad that I did not have to experience that!....Hooterville was hard enough!) The woman who are the mothers of small children in this piece are all about elite preschools, nannies, the right clubs, and the right path to get their children into the most prestigious colleges in about 15 years. Man! I could barely think about what to do for the next day's dinner, yet alone plan that far in advance!
I guess my point is what is the motivation behind these mothers? While I continued to read the piece, and laugh at how outrageous some of the scenarios were, I realized that it is all personal. It is hard to separate ourselves, as Mothers, from the quality and success and outcome of our children's lives.
The author, Molly Jong-Fast, spoke to this exact point. At the end of the article she talked about winning, and how competitive it is in the Manhattan mothering circles, to raise your kids. That some of these uber high powered and successful mothers have a hard time separating themselves from the success, or lack of success that their children achieve, and that is the crux of the problem with all this crazy over the top mothering.
I think she is onto something! But, you do not have to be a super uber successful hight powered Manhattan mother to get trapped into this scenario! I do believe I have found myself in that same thought process! Yes, I admit it. I love getting accolades from people in my childrens lives about the type and quality of person they are! Just this past weekend when my husband and I were in Cleveland, where our youngest daughter is a teacher and coach at a wonderful middle school, I had the chance to talk with parents who complimented me and my husband on our daughter and the impact she has made on the kids she works with. YES! ( I said to myself!) we have done a good job with this one! (Actually, I think we have done a good job with all 3 of our children...if you ask me:) ) It was wonderful basking in the glory of a job well done, and it certainly also helped that it was a glorious sunny day! But...here is what I am thinking. It gets tricky when you link yourself so personally to your children.
We, in my opinion, as parents are all required to do the best job we can. It is important once you bring this new person into the world to take care of them well.....all of them, and all parts of them. Parents need to nurture and love their children in their physical, emotional, spiritual and mental development, and yes, try hard to do a good job. In this process though, the tricky part becomes how to do all of that well, and yet....here is the clincher, NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!! THAT, is the hard part!
Yes, it is fine to bask in the glory of your child's success, (I just did that!:) But, remember that your ultimate job is to create a child in their own image, not yours. I have said before, we already got to do that. We got to create our own lives, and hopefully still are. The best parents use their energies to create kids not in their own image, but help them find their own path and the way that is best for them. My husband and I have 3 kids, all grown ups. They each have chosen a different path, a path that works for them. The pathways have not always been straight, or without angst, but they have been paths of their own choosing.
And, right now, as of this moment and day, they are all doing well! I never knew we would have a cheesemonger, an educator, and a filmmaker....ok I sort of guessed on 2 of them, but still, I did not choose for them, they choose for themselves.
So, it's ok to be excited about your kids and relish when they do well, and even pat yourself on the back. But, in the long run, remember, it is their life to lead. Help them find the right way and the path that is meant for them. Relish the fact then, that your children are leading lives of their own design....you may have helped pick out the design books and made some suggestions, but the ultimate choice is theirs!
If you want to win, maybe take up tennis or golf, or ballroom dancing!
Until next time,
Pam
Monday, March 21, 2011
To Adolescence and Beyond!
Hi All!
Last week my daughter, Megan, told me that some of her parents, she is a teacher in Ohio, and teaches eighth grade, actually read my blog and had asked for thoughts about parenting kids in junior high...aka the "crazy" years!
I laughed because she told me that I could use her as an example, and share what her Dad and I went through with her during middle school, and really until she was about 16-17. It seemed to be done by then. I can tell you in all honesty and with a straight face, that she was HORRIBLE! O.k. she is lovely and sweet and cute and intelligent and actually great,...but not then. Well, I suppose she was great then too, because I do love her and did love her during all of that time, but I did not like being around her that much then. She often gave me a stomachache. I never knew who she was going to be or what was going to happen and what was going to come out of her mouth.
I bet there are lots of parents who have young adolescents who feel the same way. You take this cute lovely baby home from the hospital and no one tells you that in all too short of a time you may want to bring him/her back and ask for a refund. I guess they don't give refunds do they? You have to take what you get and make the most out of it!
Here is my story. When Megan was little she was so easy! She slept for 7 hours her first night home from the hospital. I of course did not get any sleep cause I kept checking to make sure she was not dead! I mean, come on...what baby sleeps for 7 hours their first night home? I know that my husband slept well too. He was more sane and actually thought "Wow" how great that this baby sleeps. She was an anomaly because her older sister, 2 at the time that Megan was born, actually had not slept much at all when she was first home... maybe an hour at a time. I think my husband thought that this time we had struck some sort of jackpot because this baby girl was a sleeper!! YAHOO!!!
Actually Megan was easy! She did not do all the things that "terrible two's do". Her older sister did all that. Megan was easy going, and happy, and a good sleeper and agreeable. Everyone commented on how sweet she was and what a lovely affable child she was. This pretty much continued throughout her childhood years. I was blindsided! I thought that this was her personality, and what a great gift I had gotten as a parent!
My happy thoughts changed fast! As Megan was approaching 10-11, I began to see a change. Actually her brother probably spotted it first. Bill is 5 years younger than Megan... and was beginning to get all the fall out that comes from having a sister that much older than you, who suddenly turns on you! He did have the wisdom to take the time to write a "To Do" note to himself one night, and leave it on the island in our kitchen. His note said quote" note to self...kill Megan in her sleep tonight.." of course he did not spell as proficiently as I just did, but that was the content of the note. He, I think was the first one of the family to really begin to feel the wrath of 11 year old Megan! She did all sorts of stuff to him. I remember we used to call Megan the silent terrorist. She was good at wreaking havoc on her brother...sometimes her sister too, but mostly her brother.
When all this behavior began, I was at a loss. How could this all be coming from my lovely little girl? O.K., she was getting bigger, and entering that danger zone...preteen...but I thought surely my lovely Megan would continue being the sweet person she had always been.
HELLO! What was I thinking??? I guess that is the point. When your child enters this phase of life it is like an alien life force has swooped down and inhabited your child without you knowing. Kind of like one of those movies with Sigourney Weaver when she is fighting off the alien trying to take over her body.
When kids enter this time of life, it takes them and you by surprise. The person you knew, or thought you knew, is still there, but the problem is they are trying to get out and figure out life on all new terms. All of a sudden a lot has snuck up on your kids! Hormones, zits, boys, girls, group dating, school dances, WHOA!! Your child is thrown into a whole new program, and they do not have a clue how to navigate it or begin to write their own code. Remember how hard it was for you? Yikes, I remember not having a clue...and truly being a big nerd, when all I wanted was to be one of the "cool" kids. But, then the "cool kids" have all sorts of problems too. They have to figure out how to stay in the cool group and not be excommunicated for fear of nerdness. Would you want to go back to that phase of life? I know that I wouldn't! Boy, that time was hard, and I have to imagine even in the age of all that has changed and progressed now, it can't be any easier.
I use to see Meg's bus coming down the street and begin to feel physically ill. Really, I did. I am not making this up! I would see her bus approaching our house and think "OH, boy...here she comes!" I never knew what to expect. Would she be happy, would she be surly, would she talk, would she say nothing? It was like living in never never land. I never knew who was going to get off that bus. Well, actually I did, I just didn't know what form she would be in!
I know that I tried a lot of different things. I tried being happy, I tried being quiet, I tried being helpful. Sometimes one of these tactics would work, but just as often as not, they didn't. I would spend lots of time trying to figure out why, but the answer really is, there is no answer. When kids are going through this trying period of life, the only thing that will really help is time. The time it takes for each child to find their own way through this period. I think after all the things Megan and I went through, I even pretended to call the Department of Children and Family Services one night because I was out of ideas on how to make her comply with me ( actually I was calling the weather hotline) that the best thing to do is just be there. Be there to let you kids know you love them. You love them enough to continue to set guidelines and hold them accountable for their behavior. You love them enough to not care if they get mad at you and call you a bad mother. You love them enough not to try and be their friend, they have lots of those. You love them enough to be their parent. A calm force through this time of storm (even if YOU don't feel calm).
So, hang in there with your crazy adolescents. They can't help it. They are suppose to be doing all that they are doing right now, so that they can get through this time and find their way well into adulthood.
Just think, if kids don't act out at some phase, they may have to do it when they are 30, and THAT is not a good idea! So,
be calm, be present, be consistent and be there.
What is that old saying???? Oh yeah, this too shall pass!
Until next time,
Pam
p.s. Megan and I now have a fabulous relationship! :)
Last week my daughter, Megan, told me that some of her parents, she is a teacher in Ohio, and teaches eighth grade, actually read my blog and had asked for thoughts about parenting kids in junior high...aka the "crazy" years!
I laughed because she told me that I could use her as an example, and share what her Dad and I went through with her during middle school, and really until she was about 16-17. It seemed to be done by then. I can tell you in all honesty and with a straight face, that she was HORRIBLE! O.k. she is lovely and sweet and cute and intelligent and actually great,...but not then. Well, I suppose she was great then too, because I do love her and did love her during all of that time, but I did not like being around her that much then. She often gave me a stomachache. I never knew who she was going to be or what was going to happen and what was going to come out of her mouth.
I bet there are lots of parents who have young adolescents who feel the same way. You take this cute lovely baby home from the hospital and no one tells you that in all too short of a time you may want to bring him/her back and ask for a refund. I guess they don't give refunds do they? You have to take what you get and make the most out of it!
Here is my story. When Megan was little she was so easy! She slept for 7 hours her first night home from the hospital. I of course did not get any sleep cause I kept checking to make sure she was not dead! I mean, come on...what baby sleeps for 7 hours their first night home? I know that my husband slept well too. He was more sane and actually thought "Wow" how great that this baby sleeps. She was an anomaly because her older sister, 2 at the time that Megan was born, actually had not slept much at all when she was first home... maybe an hour at a time. I think my husband thought that this time we had struck some sort of jackpot because this baby girl was a sleeper!! YAHOO!!!
Actually Megan was easy! She did not do all the things that "terrible two's do". Her older sister did all that. Megan was easy going, and happy, and a good sleeper and agreeable. Everyone commented on how sweet she was and what a lovely affable child she was. This pretty much continued throughout her childhood years. I was blindsided! I thought that this was her personality, and what a great gift I had gotten as a parent!
My happy thoughts changed fast! As Megan was approaching 10-11, I began to see a change. Actually her brother probably spotted it first. Bill is 5 years younger than Megan... and was beginning to get all the fall out that comes from having a sister that much older than you, who suddenly turns on you! He did have the wisdom to take the time to write a "To Do" note to himself one night, and leave it on the island in our kitchen. His note said quote" note to self...kill Megan in her sleep tonight.." of course he did not spell as proficiently as I just did, but that was the content of the note. He, I think was the first one of the family to really begin to feel the wrath of 11 year old Megan! She did all sorts of stuff to him. I remember we used to call Megan the silent terrorist. She was good at wreaking havoc on her brother...sometimes her sister too, but mostly her brother.
When all this behavior began, I was at a loss. How could this all be coming from my lovely little girl? O.K., she was getting bigger, and entering that danger zone...preteen...but I thought surely my lovely Megan would continue being the sweet person she had always been.
HELLO! What was I thinking??? I guess that is the point. When your child enters this phase of life it is like an alien life force has swooped down and inhabited your child without you knowing. Kind of like one of those movies with Sigourney Weaver when she is fighting off the alien trying to take over her body.
When kids enter this time of life, it takes them and you by surprise. The person you knew, or thought you knew, is still there, but the problem is they are trying to get out and figure out life on all new terms. All of a sudden a lot has snuck up on your kids! Hormones, zits, boys, girls, group dating, school dances, WHOA!! Your child is thrown into a whole new program, and they do not have a clue how to navigate it or begin to write their own code. Remember how hard it was for you? Yikes, I remember not having a clue...and truly being a big nerd, when all I wanted was to be one of the "cool" kids. But, then the "cool kids" have all sorts of problems too. They have to figure out how to stay in the cool group and not be excommunicated for fear of nerdness. Would you want to go back to that phase of life? I know that I wouldn't! Boy, that time was hard, and I have to imagine even in the age of all that has changed and progressed now, it can't be any easier.
I use to see Meg's bus coming down the street and begin to feel physically ill. Really, I did. I am not making this up! I would see her bus approaching our house and think "OH, boy...here she comes!" I never knew what to expect. Would she be happy, would she be surly, would she talk, would she say nothing? It was like living in never never land. I never knew who was going to get off that bus. Well, actually I did, I just didn't know what form she would be in!
I know that I tried a lot of different things. I tried being happy, I tried being quiet, I tried being helpful. Sometimes one of these tactics would work, but just as often as not, they didn't. I would spend lots of time trying to figure out why, but the answer really is, there is no answer. When kids are going through this trying period of life, the only thing that will really help is time. The time it takes for each child to find their own way through this period. I think after all the things Megan and I went through, I even pretended to call the Department of Children and Family Services one night because I was out of ideas on how to make her comply with me ( actually I was calling the weather hotline) that the best thing to do is just be there. Be there to let you kids know you love them. You love them enough to continue to set guidelines and hold them accountable for their behavior. You love them enough to not care if they get mad at you and call you a bad mother. You love them enough not to try and be their friend, they have lots of those. You love them enough to be their parent. A calm force through this time of storm (even if YOU don't feel calm).
So, hang in there with your crazy adolescents. They can't help it. They are suppose to be doing all that they are doing right now, so that they can get through this time and find their way well into adulthood.
Just think, if kids don't act out at some phase, they may have to do it when they are 30, and THAT is not a good idea! So,
be calm, be present, be consistent and be there.
What is that old saying???? Oh yeah, this too shall pass!
Until next time,
Pam
p.s. Megan and I now have a fabulous relationship! :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Here I Go Again!
Hi All!
It has been quite a while since I last ranted about the "Tiger Mother." I have calmed down, and realize that I too am a bit of a tiger mother, only in a whole different sense....I am more like the big stalking tiger mother on animal planet or some show like that. The ones that like to have their cubs crawling all over them!
This past weekend I found myself in the presence of my lovely, o.k., our lovely son, because I sure did not make him all by myself. The school that I work at, is submitting a video about early childhood education to our local United Way, and I had the good fortune of having someone I know well, and really like, be able to help us out with that! My son came in town to do the filming and make the movie for us.
I had a blast! I got to be the sound assistant during the filming process, and actually only messed up a little bit. I got to introduce him to the people I work with, and got to enjoy watching him practice his art and his craft. I got to watch him interact with the big and little people he was filming and basked in the joy of it all!
After we were done, he with the filming, and me with the basking, we then had the afternoon together. I was invited to hang out with him and his best friend, who has been part of his life since he/they were 7 years old. They teased me that I would have to hide under blankets in the back seat of the car as we traveled into Chicago, so that I would not embarrass them or cramp their style! HA!
We got to the city, and then visited Kevin's apartment. Kevin is my son Bill's best friend, and his partner in lots of previous teenage shananigans, and here I was standing in this apartment, Kevin's very own big boy apartment... he actually pays for it! I watched these 2 friends, who are now young men, all grown up and realized with a great deal of satisfaction, that they are both good. They are both finding their way in this new process of adulthood. They are capable, and able and evolving well! My son is pursuing his dream of film making, Kevin his dream of becoming a business person, and future business owner. WOW! How did all that happen???
When I talk with all the young moms that I get the pleasure of knowing as I work with their small children, I am sure that I sound goofy when I tell them to cherish this time with their small ones, because it goes by sooooo very fast! I know everyone tells young parents that, people told me that too, and I thought they were a bit daft when I would have sick kids, a dad out of town and a baby yelling! BUT>>>>> it does go fast! Here I was on Friday with 2 grown up young men, somehow all that time had passed!
Now, it is Monday. Bill has gone back to New York and Kevin, I am sure is at his job. Bill is returning to the city he now lives in, to begin 2 new projects. He will be filming a maple syrup adventure from start to finish, and then at the end of March will begin working on an HBO series. He is continuing to find his way in the career he chose, and the work he loves. I take satisfaction in that, his dad and I helped him get to this point, this place in his life. We worked hard as parents in the building process of this young man, we tried our best to help him find his way and find what is important to him. I do believe we have done that!
Now... the only problem with that is that he left. Crap! Here I go again! Like I have said before, when you do your job well and right as a parent, your kids leave. I know that is a good thing, but sometimes I do believe , I wish that maybe I would have done a bad job! :) Just kidding!!!
Help your kids good parents. Help them find who they are, what they are meant to be and where they are suppose to go... in the process they will leave you, but that is only geography. They will always be in your hearts, and you will always be in theirs! My trusted friend, who is a psychologist, says that as long as you have their hearts and they have yours, it's only geography! Some people live right in the same town and never see each other because they do not want to. Somewhere along the way the process of parenting got messed up..... So don't mess up! Even when you have to put them back on that plane to leave you, CELEBRATE! You have done your job well. It is o.k. though, to shed a tear.
Until next time!
Pam
It has been quite a while since I last ranted about the "Tiger Mother." I have calmed down, and realize that I too am a bit of a tiger mother, only in a whole different sense....I am more like the big stalking tiger mother on animal planet or some show like that. The ones that like to have their cubs crawling all over them!
This past weekend I found myself in the presence of my lovely, o.k., our lovely son, because I sure did not make him all by myself. The school that I work at, is submitting a video about early childhood education to our local United Way, and I had the good fortune of having someone I know well, and really like, be able to help us out with that! My son came in town to do the filming and make the movie for us.
I had a blast! I got to be the sound assistant during the filming process, and actually only messed up a little bit. I got to introduce him to the people I work with, and got to enjoy watching him practice his art and his craft. I got to watch him interact with the big and little people he was filming and basked in the joy of it all!
After we were done, he with the filming, and me with the basking, we then had the afternoon together. I was invited to hang out with him and his best friend, who has been part of his life since he/they were 7 years old. They teased me that I would have to hide under blankets in the back seat of the car as we traveled into Chicago, so that I would not embarrass them or cramp their style! HA!
We got to the city, and then visited Kevin's apartment. Kevin is my son Bill's best friend, and his partner in lots of previous teenage shananigans, and here I was standing in this apartment, Kevin's very own big boy apartment... he actually pays for it! I watched these 2 friends, who are now young men, all grown up and realized with a great deal of satisfaction, that they are both good. They are both finding their way in this new process of adulthood. They are capable, and able and evolving well! My son is pursuing his dream of film making, Kevin his dream of becoming a business person, and future business owner. WOW! How did all that happen???
When I talk with all the young moms that I get the pleasure of knowing as I work with their small children, I am sure that I sound goofy when I tell them to cherish this time with their small ones, because it goes by sooooo very fast! I know everyone tells young parents that, people told me that too, and I thought they were a bit daft when I would have sick kids, a dad out of town and a baby yelling! BUT>>>>> it does go fast! Here I was on Friday with 2 grown up young men, somehow all that time had passed!
Now, it is Monday. Bill has gone back to New York and Kevin, I am sure is at his job. Bill is returning to the city he now lives in, to begin 2 new projects. He will be filming a maple syrup adventure from start to finish, and then at the end of March will begin working on an HBO series. He is continuing to find his way in the career he chose, and the work he loves. I take satisfaction in that, his dad and I helped him get to this point, this place in his life. We worked hard as parents in the building process of this young man, we tried our best to help him find his way and find what is important to him. I do believe we have done that!
Now... the only problem with that is that he left. Crap! Here I go again! Like I have said before, when you do your job well and right as a parent, your kids leave. I know that is a good thing, but sometimes I do believe , I wish that maybe I would have done a bad job! :) Just kidding!!!
Help your kids good parents. Help them find who they are, what they are meant to be and where they are suppose to go... in the process they will leave you, but that is only geography. They will always be in your hearts, and you will always be in theirs! My trusted friend, who is a psychologist, says that as long as you have their hearts and they have yours, it's only geography! Some people live right in the same town and never see each other because they do not want to. Somewhere along the way the process of parenting got messed up..... So don't mess up! Even when you have to put them back on that plane to leave you, CELEBRATE! You have done your job well. It is o.k. though, to shed a tear.
Until next time!
Pam
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tiger Moms????
Hello...
So, yes I think that I am going to be at war with the person or persons who wrote the book called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". I was just driving home and listened to a talk radio person say that they were going to be interviewing some moms who aspire to this concept. I don't know if I am going to take the time to listen, I do know that it bugged me enough to come home and begin to write this post.
One of my main tenets of parenting and parenting well is the idea that once you have a child and once you bring a child into this world, you, as the first person and first priority ends. Of course parents, and especially parents who choose to take on the job of parenting as their full time job, don't have to give up themselves, but I do believe, and this is of course always my opinion, you do have to set yourself aside for a while. You don't have to be the ever sacrificing mom that becomes frankly, really annoying, but you do have to be the type of Mom and in general parent who knows that your main job is to help your kids figure out their lives and themselves. To that end, BAH!!!! to this Tiger Mother concept.
As always, anything I write here is my opinion and it goes without saying that no one has to like, believe or even buy into what I am saying. But, here is the throw down. I am going to say this and say it with the fierceness that my poor old computer is experiencing right now as I pound this out. Literally, I am pounding these words out!
The concept of creating competent adults does not begin with the idea of ownership. We do not own our children. They are entrusted to us, and by my beliefs, from someone who knows a lot more than me, and is lending me these great little people to help mold into wonderful competent loving beings that will be able to go forth and make a difference in this world. I believe that the job of a good parent is to listen to their child, provide opportunities, give guidance and see what floats each child's boat. I believe that parenting is about mutual respect, parents respecting their children and from that children respect their parents. This idea of the "Tiger Mother" sounds like good old fashioned bullying.
I have an excerpt that I am reading, from the magazine called "The Week." In this excerpt Amy Chau is quoted as saying that she yells and screams at her to kids to get them to comply and even calls her kids "garbage" if they show her disrespect and threatens to burn her children's stuffed animals. Any sane person would have to question the value of what an adult who is promoting her parenting style has to say, when they admit to this type of behavior. I think this whole idea must be one that was thought up to make money, and promote herself.
The idea of parenting is not based on what we as parents want. At least in my book of parenting it isn't. Parenting of value, is based on love, unconditional love, respect, and valuing the child as a person of substance. I think that the concept of creating fully functioning adults is based on dong what is best for your kids. Being the parent, providing guidance, loving unconditionally and trying your hardest to "fill up your kids buckets" with good stuff. Good stuff that lets them know they are people of value and substance. I do not believe that anyone who chooses to call their children garbage, and writes about it, is doing any of that.
There are of course as many ways to raise kids as there are parents in this world. But, just because you have kids and are a parent does not make you a good one. Kids learn what they live. Kids develop their sense of who they are and what is important from the adults in their lives. I guess if you follow Amy Chau's thoughts you could have compliant kids, you could have kids who do what their parents say, kids who follow the path that their parent chooses for them. Is that the ultimate goal? To have children who become what the parents design?
I don't know. Call me crazy, call me soft. I think that parents are to celebrate their kids, guide their kids, love their kids, praise their kids (OH GOD FORBID!) and help them find the right path to adulthood for each of them. A path that is designed by the very person who is going to live the life. The child, the kid, the children that we are given to help develop.
My parenting manual does not include name calling,and bullying. My parenting manual DOES require that each of us who bring children into this world respect them and because of that respect, always try to be mindful of doing the right thing. The right things like helping kids discover who they are, and who they are meant to be. Children's lives are not ours to live. We already got a shot at that.
"Tiger Mother" BAH! That is just another title for adult bully!
I wonder if the department of children and family services would give her a call?
Passionately
Until next time,
Pam
So, yes I think that I am going to be at war with the person or persons who wrote the book called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". I was just driving home and listened to a talk radio person say that they were going to be interviewing some moms who aspire to this concept. I don't know if I am going to take the time to listen, I do know that it bugged me enough to come home and begin to write this post.
One of my main tenets of parenting and parenting well is the idea that once you have a child and once you bring a child into this world, you, as the first person and first priority ends. Of course parents, and especially parents who choose to take on the job of parenting as their full time job, don't have to give up themselves, but I do believe, and this is of course always my opinion, you do have to set yourself aside for a while. You don't have to be the ever sacrificing mom that becomes frankly, really annoying, but you do have to be the type of Mom and in general parent who knows that your main job is to help your kids figure out their lives and themselves. To that end, BAH!!!! to this Tiger Mother concept.
As always, anything I write here is my opinion and it goes without saying that no one has to like, believe or even buy into what I am saying. But, here is the throw down. I am going to say this and say it with the fierceness that my poor old computer is experiencing right now as I pound this out. Literally, I am pounding these words out!
The concept of creating competent adults does not begin with the idea of ownership. We do not own our children. They are entrusted to us, and by my beliefs, from someone who knows a lot more than me, and is lending me these great little people to help mold into wonderful competent loving beings that will be able to go forth and make a difference in this world. I believe that the job of a good parent is to listen to their child, provide opportunities, give guidance and see what floats each child's boat. I believe that parenting is about mutual respect, parents respecting their children and from that children respect their parents. This idea of the "Tiger Mother" sounds like good old fashioned bullying.
I have an excerpt that I am reading, from the magazine called "The Week." In this excerpt Amy Chau is quoted as saying that she yells and screams at her to kids to get them to comply and even calls her kids "garbage" if they show her disrespect and threatens to burn her children's stuffed animals. Any sane person would have to question the value of what an adult who is promoting her parenting style has to say, when they admit to this type of behavior. I think this whole idea must be one that was thought up to make money, and promote herself.
The idea of parenting is not based on what we as parents want. At least in my book of parenting it isn't. Parenting of value, is based on love, unconditional love, respect, and valuing the child as a person of substance. I think that the concept of creating fully functioning adults is based on dong what is best for your kids. Being the parent, providing guidance, loving unconditionally and trying your hardest to "fill up your kids buckets" with good stuff. Good stuff that lets them know they are people of value and substance. I do not believe that anyone who chooses to call their children garbage, and writes about it, is doing any of that.
There are of course as many ways to raise kids as there are parents in this world. But, just because you have kids and are a parent does not make you a good one. Kids learn what they live. Kids develop their sense of who they are and what is important from the adults in their lives. I guess if you follow Amy Chau's thoughts you could have compliant kids, you could have kids who do what their parents say, kids who follow the path that their parent chooses for them. Is that the ultimate goal? To have children who become what the parents design?
I don't know. Call me crazy, call me soft. I think that parents are to celebrate their kids, guide their kids, love their kids, praise their kids (OH GOD FORBID!) and help them find the right path to adulthood for each of them. A path that is designed by the very person who is going to live the life. The child, the kid, the children that we are given to help develop.
My parenting manual does not include name calling,and bullying. My parenting manual DOES require that each of us who bring children into this world respect them and because of that respect, always try to be mindful of doing the right thing. The right things like helping kids discover who they are, and who they are meant to be. Children's lives are not ours to live. We already got a shot at that.
"Tiger Mother" BAH! That is just another title for adult bully!
I wonder if the department of children and family services would give her a call?
Passionately
Until next time,
Pam
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)